My Friends Call Me A Savage, I Call It Protecting My Energy
Recently, I've decided that I'm releasing all opinions people have of me and how I should be living my life.
I'm completely in control of how people experience me and what role they play — especially men. The reason being? I'm in a space where relationships are just a complete distraction to me and I want to be selfish with my time. Since last year, I've only been interested in devoting love, energy, and commitment into myself. And while I'm not saying it's impossible to balance loving yourself and someone else, I'm saying — right now it's not an option for me and that's okay.
However, while committed relationships aren't on my radar, I'm not opposed to casual ones. I'm open to having relationships that doesn't automatically assume unwanted expectations upon me and ones that don't require me to do more than what I'm willing to do. I like the idea of just having sex with no strings attached. Where whenever I'm in the mood, I can have a good time, then go back to regularly scheduled programming.
My friends call that being a savage, but I'm really just protecting my energy.
Part of protecting my energy means being intentional, setting boundaries, and being aware of what I want and can handle. Protecting my energy also means being very transparent and expressing myself freely and honestly. I don't want to be a part of something because that's the "right thing to do" or commit when I'm not ready. I realized that people come into your life in different ways for different reasons. Every man I'm attracted to doesn't need to be my boyfriend and my boyfriend may not be my husband. Again, that's okay.
Last year, I met a man with whom I had a great vibe. We met at a little get-together and slowly formed a friendship. I was new to the city and he took me to a few cool spots in Atlanta. After a couple of months as friends, we had a great connection and genuinely had a good time, which made it easier to add more benefits to this relationship. To be honest, we were both open to the idea and already had a dope connection, but before adding any physical acts to our friendship, I had to be clear about my intentions and set some boundaries. I simply and straight up said I'm not looking for anything serious now or in the near future and that exclusively dating is not an option for me and if he cannot enter this sexual relationship without any feelings or expectations of more, then we can't do it. Further than that, I encouraged him to continue talking to other women, agreed on no PDA, no meeting of parents, no nicknames (baby, bae, etc.), no kissing, and we agreed that if our schedules permit, we would schedule as many rendezvous as we can.
We were simply friends who fucked. Period.
A verbal agreement and a few months later, I found myself making weekly dick appointments. By this time, our situation has lasted for almost a year and it was going well. When we chilled, it was a good time and I came and went as I pleased (no pun intended). I would do check-ins and make sure we were still on the same page and for a while, our understanding was clear. My check-in would just be a quick, "Hey, are we still good on the agreement," or "If this is becoming too much for you, just let me know." He would always respond by saying we're good, so the sex continued.
After a while, he would start to seek more of my time and wanted to become a priority. There was even a period where all dick appointments were on hold and when that happened, things just went downhill. The conversations of wanting more, I miss you, and when am I going to see you again started to happen way more often than what I was comfortable with. I had to fall back. I reminded him about the intentions we set and that there were no expectations for anything else. It's very important to me that whoever I have a casual relationship with knows my intentions and respects my boundaries from the beginning — not as we go along. I never want to play with anyone's emotions and I definitely want to avoid as many of these awkward conversations as I can. Unfortunately, though, it had to happen.
I wasn't open to deviating from my plan and my friend with benefits relationship ended there. Once feelings got involved, I felt like I was in a relationship and I had to be careful not to lead him on. We spoke less and definitely stopped all forms of sex. Even when our situation started to digress, he made it about how I made him feel as opposed to what we agreed on. I'm sorry, but if I'm not ready, you can't force me to be ready. Men, and people in general, will convince you to do the very thing you didn't want to do and it's important to stand your ground. If the situation goes left, you know that you've done all you can to prevent it from happening, but compromising your peace is not a solution.
Being a savage means being focused, carefree, living without expectations, and sticking to what you need, regardless of what happens. My main goal was to focus on building and focusing on me and occasionally having sex. Ultimately, being a savage is about protecting your peace. It lets people know that your peace is non-negotiable. As a savage, your boundaries and time are serious, you intentions are clear, and you stick to what you want regardless.
I don't always want the white horse and a carriage. I just want to do me.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Getty Images
Freelance writer, content creator, and traveler. She enjoys the beauty of simplicity, a peaceful life, and a big curly fro. Connect with Krissy on social media @iamkrissylewis or check out her blog at www.krissylewis.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl In Motion: Paige Shari Addison Shows Us Why She's The Hostess With The Mostess
Paige Shari Addison is the epitome of an ItGirl, which is why she is one of 100 ladies on xoNecole's inaugural ItGirl 100 list in partnership with Hyundai. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, Paige started her journey as a host in high school by hosting parties. Since then, she has made a career in hosting, from parties to big-name events, and she launched Strictly RNB, a platform for new artists and R&B lovers. Paige reflects on her creative path in the limited video series "ItGirl in Motion."
“My first curated event at Criminal Records was incredible. It was all for up-and-coming artists,” she says. “I needed a platform for us as a collective to be able to give ourselves the platform instead of asking for it, instead of looking for it. I was like, I want to make sure I let people get this experience that I would give as a performer but enjoy the experience with them. It was a dream come true.”
The Atlanta native also has her own line of acai bowls called Soulfull Bowls. She started it during the pandemic after events and parties shut down. But it was her love for eating acai bowls and the reactions others had to them that made her want to make it her next business move. Being open to creating new ventures in the midst of uncertainty is a bold move and one of the reasons why Paige has the “it” factor.
“Being an ItGirl means you’re just authentic. There’s an air to us. We have confidence that exudes from the way we speak, the way we put our lip gloss on, the way we walk, the way we talk. I show up as myself everytime I walk into a room. I’m hospitable, I make sure everybody’s good,” she says.
Get to know more about the hostess with the mostess in the video above.
See our ItGirl 100 list in full here. Click through the gallery below for some BTS moments of Paige and our partnership with Hyundai.
Director: Mikkoh @mikkoh
Production company: @polly___studio
Producer/AD: Samuel Cho @choboi90
Producer/Tech: Paul Nguyen @paul__winn
DP: Cristian Bernal @cristianbernal
Editor: @30inthemorning
2nd Cam: Paul Nguyen
1st AC: AJ Paug @ajpaug Gaffer: Dennis Albert @dennisalbert_
Audio Mixer: Victor Chavez @vic_the__
PA: Rick Carreno @ispeakrick
PA: Tiffany Do @tivani.doee
BTS Photo: Prime @theartofprime
Car Detail: @sud_studs @slugglobal
Creative Director @hellobosco
Team Lead @kevgumbo3000
Project Manager @zakk_jullot
Creative Producer @iamkingsheyla
Designers @miacolemxn @noelspiva
@xoNecole
Director, Integrated Marketing @_vang
Campaign Manager @kingchachiii
Talent Lead @kaylawalker
Feature image by Prime/ @theartof prime