It can be more than challenging trying to balance childcare, COVID-19 prevention (hey, Delta), and work. It's hard enough not worrying about whether your kid's school will cancel in-person classes or shut down altogether while facing the not-so-usual growing pains of children and teens who are forced to live in whatever phase of a pandemic we're in right now. (I mean, is it really post-pandemic? Is it halfway done or just beginning? And what's "normal" about this "new" environment?)
Moms, we feel your pain.
There are many things the pandemic has revealed. Quality of life and finding balance in managing home and work are super-important, and now, more than ever, parents want to be able to have the flexibility to put family first.
In fact, a FlexJobs survey found that 61% want to continue to work remotely full-time and 62% even said that they would quit their job if they can't.
Some parents who are being asked to return back to the office are having difficulty finding childcare, and with concerns about future COVID-19-related complications, some just don't want to take the risk of being in an office, even with the vaccination options in place.
If you have children, we're sure you want a work situation that is parent-friendly. Well, here are a few red flags you can look out for when looking for new opportunities (or weighing the pros and cons of your current gig):
1. Only the bare minimum of paid time off (PTO) is offered.
Getty Images
You might think that getting just two weeks of vacation and less than 12 sick or personal days a year is industry standard, but you might also be selling yourself and your family short by accepting this as a norm. Considering the challenges of COVID-19 and the constant changes in policies, legislation, and school closures, having the flexibility to take off without having to worry about losing money is a top priority for parents.
Companies that offer more PTO time or flexible policies on using it often have positive outcomes related to retention and worker satisfaction, and that means you, as the employee, should be at least asking for more or looking elsewhere if your current company is not budging. Competitive companies consider the health and welfare of their workers to be an important asset to productivity, and while you're not going to be able to excessively call out of work, you should still be able to lean on flexible policies.
With more employers adjusting policies to accommodate unlimited sick leave, unlimited vacation, and options to take a few hours off for an appointment (versus requiring taking a full day), please do side-eye the ones that are still stuck in the pre-pandemic limbo of being stingy with PTO.
2. Care-giving support? What's that?
More companies are now offering expanded childcare benefits such as stipends, discounts via childcare partners, or even on-site daycare resources, thus, this is a competitive and realistic benefit to look out for. If a company you're interviewing with (or you currently work for) has not even a semblance of understanding of this concept, it might be a good idea to pause talks of moving forward. This is yet another benefit that often leads to retention, and top Fortune 500 companies offer childcare assistance, so it's not an unreasonable option for parents to expect or ask for.
3. Remote or hybrid work schedules are not allowed.
Getty Images
For some jobs, it's totally understandable that working from home is simply impossible. But for others, working in an office full-time is slowly becoming obsolete.
If managers at your current job (or prospective employer) are strictly against allowing remote work (with little to no evidence that doing so would negatively impact productivity), again, explore other options.
You might be among the parents who would rather continue homeschooling your children, who isn't too comfortable yet with school policies related to COVID-19, or who enjoys the extra time a lack of commute has given you. Being able to work remote, at least some of the time, is one perk you'll want to look out for if you're a parent who falls into those categories.
4. Maternity leave is very limited or non-existent.
There was once a time when professionals had to use disability leave or lose pay altogether just to take off while pregnant or after having a baby. (And some companies probably still force employees' hands with this one). But if a company doesn't offer maternity leave in today's day and age, there's a problem.
If you get just one golden nugget from this article, it should be that reputable companies that are successful and competitive put their workers' needs at the forefront. If they want to keep great talent, they ensure that that talent is healthy and happy. More than half of top employers in the U.S. actually offer maternity leave and the number continues to grow.
Being pregnant and having to finesse time off or thug your way through being sick, tired, and on the verge of hospitalization just to keep your job is just not the move.
And if you have plans to have children, be sure ask about the details of this benefit before taking an offer, including inclusive policies for single parents and LGBTQ couples.
5. There's a workaholic culture.
Getty Images
Some companies offer all the benefits in the world, but this means nothing if there's an undertone of workaholic expectations lurking in the shadows. Let's say you ask during the interview, "What are the confirmed work hours of this position?" and the manager gives you a vague answer like, "However long it takes to get the job done." Major red flag, sis.
Or maybe pre-pandemic, you had time to make dinner and actually sit with your kids to eat it, but now you're ordering more DoorDash and taking calls and emails into the late-night hours. Yep, red flag.
What about the manager that gives an end-of-day directive at 5:50 p.m., dumps a two-week deadline on you for a project that should take months to complete, or constantly calls you while on vacation? The lack of boundaries might prove to become toxic for working parents. Be sure to ask questions during interviews or reevaluate whether you want to continue working for an employer thinks you're a robot.
6. There's a clear disregard for the value of family and parenting.
From snide jokes to outright questioning your ability to manage being a mom and doing your job, these are signs that a prospective employer (or your current one) is not a good fit. If you're being made to feel guilty about making time to pick your child up from sports practice or using PTO to stay at home with your baby, or you're constantly being compared to employees who don't have children, it's inappropriate and toxic. A balanced work environment accommodates all employees and embraces a diverse workforce, therefore, and if the managers of a company aren't ensuring this, it's time to chuck the deuces.
If you're on the job hunt, check LinkedIn or the company's website to find clues about the culture or values related to family and parenting.
(Some managers might listparenting organizations they support or include their children and spouses in their bios, for example.) Pay close attention to what is said during your interview process, and infuse small details about being a parent to get responses that might allude to potential issues. Insert something like, "My daughter just finished pre-school..." and see what the interviewer says. If it's anything close to distrust or outright disrespect, go ahead and scratch that company off your list.
With all that's going on the world, it's a good idea to think of what's really important for you and your family. Go for the opportunities that not only allow you to flourish but support the chance to be the best parent you can be. Let these red flags be the wake-up call you need to pursue what you and your children deserve.
For more job search tips, career advice and profiles, check out the xoNecole Workin Girl section here.
Featured image by Getty Images
RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy