On April 10, I will have a Hysteroscopic Myomectomy — a surgical procedure that removes fibroids through the vagina.
To give you a little backstory, in December of 2016, I went in for my annual pap smear. Since I had been without insurance for almost three years, seeing a doctor was both terrifying and a relief (thank you, Obamacare). When I hit my mid-20s, I noticed something was off. I had always had a heavy cycle, but my bleeding was much heavier, and I couldn't move from my bed five days out of my seven-day cycle.
I'd just chalked it up to getting older, but since I was going in for a checkup, I wanted to ask my doctor questions.
After my pap smear was complete, the doctor asked if I had any questions. I told him that my periods were much heavier than usual and asked if there was a possibility that I may have developed fibroids since they run in my family. "Fibroids aren't genetic, and I didn't feel any during your exam," he said.
In my Google search, I read that black woman are three times more likely to develop fibroids than any other group in the US. I also stumbled upon a study that linked relaxers to uterine fibroids. There has to be reason fibroids are prominent in black women, right?
But since he was the "expert" in the room, I didn't ask any more questions fibroids. "I've heard birth control pills can help the heavy bleeding, do you have any recommendations?" I asked.
He prescribed me Levora and sent me on my way. Birth control was something I'd stayed away from because I'd heard horror stories of women becoming depressed, having prolonged cycles, and hormones fluctuating so much, it affected their physical appearance — but I was desperate. After almost nine months of taking the pill, I found myself in a Los Angeles emergency room. As I was telling the nurses why I was there, I felt like a drama queen.
Who goes to the emergency room because of their period?
After checking my blood, I was prescribed iron pills and told that if I had another cycle like this one, I would likely need a blood transfusion because I'd lost so much blood.
Since I was new to Los Angeles, the ER nurse assigned me a gynecologist for a follow-up appointment. He was known as one of the most thorough and caring doctors at Kaiser, but LA traffic caused me to miss my appointment, so I rescheduled with another doctor. When I arrived to my new doctor's office, I changed into my paper gown, laid down, put my feet in the stirrups, and stared at the fake clouds on the ceiling.
A few moments later, a black woman entered the room. I was surprised but also happy to see her walk through the door. She introduced herself and pulled up my chart. "Why were you in the emergency room?"
After giving her the details, she asked: "Do you have a history of a blood disorder?" No. "DId your doctor in Atlanta do any additional tests or an ultrasound?" No, but he did prescribe me Levora. "Yes, Levora is known to help with heavy bleeding and should have helped with your symptoms. Let's do a pelvic exam and run some tests to see what's going on."
"Do you want kids?" she asked. "Yes," I said holding back tears.
After a cervix exam, blood work, and ultrasound— I did indeed have a fibroid. Not only did I have a fibroid, but it was protruding out of my uterus, which explained why I was in so much pain and the reason my birth control wasn't helping.
Had my first doctor taken the time to listen to my concerns, I would have known my issues were not just hormonal.
After that appointment, my nurse scheduled a saline ultrasound. During a saline ultrasound, the doctor opens up the cervix, inserts a small tube into the vagina, and injects saline into the cavity. It was as painful as it sounds (I even had to sign a waiver), but after the appointment, I decided I wanted to have my fibroid surgically removed. I was given a number to call to schedule my surgery but it took nearly three weeks for me to develop enough courage to dial the number.
But when I picked up the phone to call, I started to cry. Not just cry, but ugly cry. The reality that I had to schedule surgery on my uterus set in for the first time.
I am terrified of having this surgery. I know women that have been through this and understand that millions of women have been in my shoes, but that doesn't make me any less afraid. I had to ask myself a question:
Do I put this off and continue to be in pain, or do I put my fear aside and go for the surgery?
I have a lot of things working in my favor. I have a black woman as my doctor. My family is flying out to be with me. Oh, and I won't have to send an email each month to saying, "I'm not feeling well enough to work today," or "I'm so sorry I couldn't make your event over the weekend because I have a non-cancerous tumor in my uterus that is causing me so much pain I can't stand up straight and makes me so tired that I can barely open my eyes today."
Okay, I've never written this email, but that's what I'm thinking whenever I have to send the generic "I'm not feeling well" message.
Since confirming my operation, I've been trying not to think or talk about it because I start to cry. Being vulnerable is much harder for me than being "strong." Over the last couple of weeks, I've been more open to talking to other women about their experiences, and also admitted to myself and those closest to me that I'm scared.
Acknowledging fear doesn't mean your weak, it just reminds us that we're human.
It took a move to California, an ER visit, and a new doctor to find out why my body was out of whack, but I'm on my way to getting my life back. If it were up to me, I would have taken a holistic approach. No one wants to have surgery, but the reality is that what works for one woman may not be an option for me because while our symptoms are similar, our bodies are different.
Whether that's going on the pill to help with bleeding, taking the holistic route, opting to have surgery, or doing all of the above, ultimately, we have to decide what feels right for us.
There should be no judgment, only support.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Uterine Fibroids-Surgery ›
- What is a Myomectomy? Fibroid Removal Surgery | CIGC ›
- Surgical Treatments for Fibroids | NICHD - Eunice Kennedy Shriver ... ›
- Fibroids | Get The Facts — Uncovered: The Truth about GYN Surgery ›
- Uterine fibroids: Surgery - National Library of Medicine - PubMed ... ›
- Fibroids Surgery: Myomectomy, Hysterectomy Open Surgery ›
- Uterine Fibroid Removal Surgery | Azura Vascular Care ›
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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