Something that I've been pretty intentional about doing, for the past few years now, is not using the word "love" a lot. For one thing, it's a far more powerful and sacred word than a lot of people give it credit for. Also, when it comes to a long-term commitment with another individual, how is it that they get the same word to describe how I feel about them as the word that I used to describe my affinity for ice cream, oxtails or Pumas? If I see my love for them in a similar light as random things, it can be pretty easy to be just about as dismissive about them too. Make no mistakes about it—words have life. We definitely need to choose the ones that we use wisely.
Something else that is whack to me? Blaming stuff that doesn't work out between flawed human beings on love. Love is beautiful. Love is pure. The Bible says that God is love (I John 4:8 and 16). So, when things go awry, it's not love's fault. It's the two vessels that are trying to learn about how to love who need to take the responsibility for how things are going or how they ultimately turn out.
When it comes to the many myths about love, to me, that is one of them—that love is painful or makes us do "crazy" things. And because I'm so fond of love (especially the more I get to know about it), I want to debunk a few other ones, so that we all can learn to appreciate, value, and embrace love. The real kind. Not the one that myths and fables talk about. Ready to unlearn to relearn a lil' bit?
1. The Right One Will Be Perfect for You
Personally, I think it's kinda hilarious—and by "hilarious", what I mean is ridiculous—that a lot of people use the word "perfect" when it comes to what they look for in an individual or relationship when they aren't that themselves. While the concept, in theory, is cool (I guess), let's revisit what the word actually means. To be perfect is to be "excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement". No one on this planet will ever be that (anyone who doesn't agree has quite the ego). Besides, you're perfect and someone else is perfect, what do either of you need to be together for? You can't be improved upon…right?
One of the main reasons why a lot of relationships don't work out, isn't because mutual love is missing. It's because one or both of them have some super unrealistic expectations. For one thing, they expect perfection in areas where it's close to impossible for it to transpire. Does that mean that you settle for utter bullshishery? Absolutely not. Yet the goal is to strive to be with someone who complements you and makes you better—who actually challenges you, in many ways, to become your best self. When you can honestly say that your significant other has played a very clear and significant role in your development and that they did so without bringing a lot of drama or trauma into your world, that is when you can say someone is right for you. And right is a whole lot more impactful than perfection.
2. If You’re Not Always Happy, It’s No Longer Love
I've said this before and I'll repeat it again—this "god of happiness" that people seem to worship is gonna really cost them in the long run. The fact that so many people will leave all kinds of people, places, things, and ideas, ONLY because they no longer make them "happy"? I'm sorry but that's not really how grown folks get down. Matter of fact, this also falls into the "unrealistic expectations category" because when you're happy, you're delighted and pleased and if you expect a flawed human being to make you feel like that all of the time, I've got two points to share.
One, it's no one else's job or responsibility to make you happy and two, in even the best of relationships, there are good days and bad ones. This means that you're absolutely not going to be happy all of the time. With or without someone, no one is happy all of the time.
The word that needs to be the focus is healthy. When a relationship is healthy, it keeps you mentally stable. When a relationship is healthy, it helps you to prosper. When a relationship is healthy, it also makes you stronger, causes you to feel safe, and can even bring wholeness into your world. Folks who've got a few years of marriage underneath their belt can vouch for the fact that you can feel all of these ways about a relationship and still not be happy all of the time.
Yet when you get that love is more than a feeling, it's a commitment (more on this in a bit), you make peace with healthy being your bigger priority. Which gives your relationship longevity in the long run.
3. Love Doesn’t Require Sacrifice
Some of the most selfish people are in relationships—and they absolutely should not be. That said, remember how I stated within this title that I'm debunking love myths today? If you're coming from a spiritual space on any level, then you are probably familiar with the fact that God is love (I John 4:6 and 18). OK, well when it comes to people who think that love means that they shouldn't sacrifice themselves, if you are a bible believer, you know that John 3:16 speaks of God sacrificing his own son for the sake of our salvation. Yep, someone actually surrendered their life for you…out of love. Another Scripture that is similar to this is, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." (John 15:13—NKJV) Hmph.
A lot of us don't even want to make adjustments in order to make our relationship work, so these kinds of sacrifices seem, not only extreme but ridiculous. Yet here's my overall point—there is not one long-lasting relationship (and most certainly not a marriage) where sacrifice hasn't been required. I don't mean sacrificing your values, standards, or self-worth. I mean stepping back and realizing that sometimes you've got to shift in what you're doing now for the sake of the greater goal (which is basically the definition of sacrifice). If you're not down to do that, don't put that on love. As I just shared, love is all about sacrifice. So long as it's the right kind and for the greater overall purpose. Make sense?
4. Love Matters More than Like
Love is a big deal. I won't deny that. It's such a monumental thing that it needs to serve as the foundation for your relationship. That said though, don't think for one minute that most people stay in their relationship simply because of how "in love" they are. More times than not, it's actually because they really like their partner, even when they are totally pissing them off. This is why I think it is a huge deal that long-term couples see their partner as their best friend. Someone you have things in common with. Someone you can laugh with. Someone you enjoy spending time with. Someone you trust. Someone you know has your back.
There is a particular married couple that I know who, after about a decade in, they both realized that they should've spent more time getting to know one another before saying "I do." They want to honor the vows that they made/promises that they gave and so, while divorce is not an option for them, something that they do is make sure that singles realize just how critical it is to be friends with their future husband or wife. Matter of fact, the wife tells me often that if her man was not her closest friend, she probably would've been outta there years ago. Still, she likes him. A lot. And so, the mistakes that she realizes that she made on the front end, their ever-growing friendship has gotten them through.
Might not sound like a Hallmark card. You know what, though? It's realistic as all get out. If you like who you love, it can keep you loving them. Again, a lot of folks with wedding rings on can certainly vouch for this very fact.
5. If You’re Not Jealous, You’re Not in Love
I don't know where so many people got the idea that a sign that someone loves them (and that they're in love) is jealousy. Give me a break. Before getting deeper into this particular point, let's touch on what some indications of a jealous person are, shall we? Jealous people tend to be insecure. Jealous people tend to make a lot of comparisons. Jealous people typically don't respect or accept boundaries. Jealous people always want you to prove yourself. Jealous people want to make everything be about them (in order to fill their own voids). Jealous people are suffocating (because they don't know how to give others any space). Jealous people create drama. What in the world sounds "loving" about that?
So Shellie, are you saying that if I see my man talking to another woman and I feel some sort of way that something is wrong with that? Eh. I think the answer to that question is why does it bother you? If the answers are along the lines of you think that she looks better than you or you don't trust your partner, those aren't healthy things either. One is about self-esteem and the other is about not being in as solid of a foundation in your relationship as you should (the same thing goes for him, by the way). Listen, when someone chooses to be with someone else, there should be no reason to be jealous. They made their choice.
If that's not good enough for you, then that is indeed problematic and worthy of doing some soul-searching about. Real talk. Chances are, you'll realize that not only is jealousy not rooted in love but what you're going through is due to either some toxicity in the relationship that needs to be dealt with or—a lack of self-love.
6. Love Is a Feeling. Not a Choice.
Being led by your feelings. Lawd. You might be surprised how many articles are out in cyberspace that talk about just how unreliable feelings are. My thoughts? I've shared before that a Scripture in the Bible clearly tells us that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9-10); so no, I am not big on "following your heart" as a life motto. However, whether you're a bible follower or not, I think something that a professor of cognitive psychology said on the topic is a pretty good way to live your life. He said, "Although there may be some truth to the claim that we cannot trust our feelings, suppressing them comes at a cost."
So, what does all of this boil down to? If you think that real, true, and lasting love is built on one's feelings, you are probably never going to be in something that is real, true, and lasting. Feelings are fickle. Feelings are all over the place. Feelings change…all of the time.
That's why I'm not big on people ending relationships because they don't "feel" the same for someone anymore. Before making any major moves, it's important to spend some intentional time getting to the root of WHY you don't feel the same. If it's just because your partner's been getting on your nerves lately, you probably get on his too. If it's because you're not sexually attracted anymore, you used to be, so what changed? If the relationship isn't what you expected it to be, get honest with yourself about if the expectations are realistic or not.
See love, it's where the big boys and girls play. And what they know is, whether it's a good day or a not-so-good one, every day that you wake up, you CHOOSE to be in your relationship. Choice is about being rational. Choice is deliberate. Choice is about intention. If you solely relied on your feelings when it comes to making a relationship work, trust me—you would've checked out a long time ago. You know, on one of these days when you didn't feel like hanging around. Feelings can't be trusted. Go with reason, logic, truth and facts. Make your choices from there.
7. Soulmates Are Like the Movies
One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from someone who I still haven't been able to find, to this day. Whoever it is once said, "We're all looking for demons who play well with our own." What's so profound to me about that is, a part of what it means is far too often, we tend to resonate with people who validate our weaknesses rather than encourage our strengths. Yeah, that's not good.
And when it comes to romantic connections, this can apply to how people define a soulmate. Thanks—yet no thanks—to Hollywood and Disney, maybe people think a soulmate is someone who is just like them; someone who always makes them feel confident that how they are is how they should be. Yeah, naw. I've spent a lot of time researching and learning about what a soulmate is truly designed to be.
More than anything, a soulmate is someone who serves as a catalyst that brings you to your most authentic self. In many ways, I think that's a lot like being in a refiner's fire. They may cause you to ask yourself questions about whether or not you are fulfilling your purpose. They might "rub you" in such a way that you are able to see character traits that could use some fine-tuning or adjusting.
They should make you feel comfortable enough to be completely real with them about who you are and who you need to become—even when it's hard to face certain things about that reality. And all of this will have moments that will not be all warm 'n fuzzy. It can actually be downright challenging. Yet since you can't help but see the growth, it's all worth it. A soulmate will help to nurture your soul. A soulmate brings you to your best self.
And that's where I want to end this. Love? It will always cause you to evolve as a person. It will better you in ways that nothing else ever could. That's not going to be an easy task all of the time. Oh, but it will so, so worth it.
With love being the best thing going out here, of course there are a lot of myths about it. Don't be so caught up in those that you don't allow yourself to be brought to the truth. So that you can experience love as it was meant to be—not what so many lies out here say that it is. Amen? Amen.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image courtesy
If you've been on TikTok lately, then you've probably engaged with a video or two about using castor oil to get great health benefits. As someone into holistic remedies and Ayurvedic medicine, I had to see what all the hype was about.
Now, I've already had a few experiences with castor oil. Years ago, I used to apply black Jamaican castor oil to my hair and my eyebrows to help them grow.
Also, my mom has often shared with me that growing up, my grandma would make them drink a spoonful of castor oil before starting the new school year.
According to her and other people 50+, drinking castor oil prevented them from getting sick, but it has an unpleasant taste. Fast forward to the present, we're seeing many people use castor oil in a variety of ways. Read below to see how to use castor oil and its benefits.
Castor Oil Benefits
Many TikTokers using castor oil claim that it brightens the skin, can shrink fibroids and cysts, supports liver and digestion, helps with menstrual cramps, can assist with weight loss, and more.
WebMD, however, lists castor oil benefits as constipation relief, may help to induce labor, may help heal wounds, and may help with inflammation due to its anti-inflammatory properties. Castor oil is made from seeds of the castor plant and it is very thick.
How To Use Castor Oil:
Castor Oil Packs
@nikki_kk19 Castor oil pack Castor oil pack for digestion Castor oil Benefits of castor oil Is castor oil good for bloating #castoroil #castoroilbenefit #castoroilpack #castoroilpacks #castoroilforbloating
Castor oil packs are an ancient practice that claims to help aid digestion, detox the liver, keep your stomach flat, and relieve menstrual cramps, especially when used with a hot water bottle. When wearing it to bed, beware that the oil can stain your sheets.
Drink It
@maryamjhampton Replying to @Mariama Bah castor oil gives the deepest cleanse ever #health #w #castoroil
Some people are using castor oil as a full body detox. TikToker @maryamjhampton shows us how to do it.
Rub Castor Oil Into Your Navel
@drsarubala #stitch with @PilatesBodyRaven sometimes we need to add in some extra nutrients when our sleep starts to improve 🫶🏾 #periodhealth #hormones #womenshealth #hormonehealth #cortisollevels #cortisol #castoroil
One of the most talked about ways to apply castor oil is by rubbing some into your navel. Some claim that it gave them the best sleep ever, and Dr. Bala explains why. Check out what she says in the TikTok above.
Add It To Your Skincare Routine
@itsjenniva Replying to @nitril0 Answering all of your questions about using castor oil on your face. #fyp #foryoupage #castoroil #castoroilbenefit #skincare #skincareroutine #skincaretips #skincaretiktok
TikToker @itsjenniva claims using castor oil has gotten rid of dark circles and overall brighten her skin. However, she did say that her skin went through a purge after using it. Speak to your dermatologist before adding it to your skincare routine.
Side Effects
@drjencaudle Castor Oil Packs? #castoroil #castoroilbenefit #castoroilbenefits #castoroilpack #castoroilforhair #castoroilforstomach #castoroilpacksbenefits #drjencaudle #fyp #fypシ
Although castor oil is a natural product, it can have some risks. It can cause skin irritation, and if you apply too much oil on your stomach or ingest too much, it can send you running to the bathroom.
While there isn't any scientific evidence that proves most of the claims are true, that shouldn't stop you from trying these tips. But make sure to start with a small amount to ensure no irritation occurs.
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