Learning What Love Was Changed My Perspective On Being 'In Love'

Learning What Love Was Changed My Perspective On Being 'In Love'

Her Voice

I told him the issue was that it didn't feel like we were in love anymore.

"Anymore?" he responded promptly.

When he said it, it took a few moments to completely sink in.

It felt like such a low-blow because right before that I had asked him if he ever had been in love with anybody at all and he said "yes." I met him in 2011, so I have a pretty good database of who he has been with and where he has been, but I guess I wasn't too on par with how he felt.

Him never being in love with me hurt but instantly made a lot of things make sense. It was as if he was finally telling me what everyone else around me had always said. "Girl, he doesn't love you, you deserve more."

Is there really a difference though? Between loving someone and being in love with them? Is there truly a separate level of importance between the two?

It really felt like there was in that moment for me, but feelings are not facts.

He was present physically and made attempts to be available emotionally as much as he could. He brought me flowers and told me I was beautiful. We were intimate often and connected deeply during the process. He was for once, not entertaining other women - or so I thought (but that's another story.) We both seemingly enjoyed one another's company and looked forward to spending time together. Aren't these some of the key identifiers in what someone would deem "being in love"?

Meanwhile, here I was not feeling in love because I was still harboring emotions from discrepancies in the past, which impacted my trust in the stability of it all. Then, here you have him coming in, claiming he had good times with me, which formed the feeling of love, but because things weren't constant butterflies and zero arguments, we never were "in love."

I'm toying around with the idea that not being in love with someone anymore but still claiming to love them is a cop-out. It's a way for anyone to give up because it's not easy anymore. Let's also be honest, the easy way out was not something foreign to this man at all.

Who cannot relate to the overwhelming feeling of obsession that comes along with having a new bae? Where I see this becoming problematic is when we continue giving love all of these different definitions for different stages. We imply that once it's no longer fun, it's somehow not even worth it anymore. Or in my case, it isn't love at all.

In true f-ckboy fashion, he attempted to retract his statement a thousand different ways until he realized the damage was already done.

Have all of us singles really never met or been with the person we were supposed to be with "forever," or do we all just abandon ship when things aren't as easy going as they once were?

How do we determine what is worth working on with any given person? Some of the things that my girlfriends go through with their partners, I side-eye pretty often, thinking that I wouldn't be able to stay through it. But are these the people who really have it all figured out?

In all fairness, there are obviously many things that quantify the ending of a partnership - for instance, physical or emotional abuse. It's just now sitting here as someone starting over for the hundredth time, I do wonder about a few people and whether or not I was completely rational in breaking it off with them.

Even the man standing in front of me telling me he was never happy enough to feel "in love," I analyzed a little differently. The reason being, I don't think there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I think the word "love" never meant anything at all if it chooses to leave during a fluttering between high and low. And that's my problem with the "I'm in love with you" narrative. In love is fleeting, while I believe love stands the test of time. Regardless of whether or not you are next to it, on top of it, or inside of it - real love doesn't stop.

It is constant and without conditions.

What love can be is one-sided. And although I also did not feel "in love" with him, I knew I had once before. His uncertainty was my wake-up call and while the verdict is in and still remains that somebody is gonna get this love, they are also going to reciprocate it.

Most importantly, they are going to meet my love where it is at, follow it wherever it may go, and put in the work necessary to maintain or regain that "sprung" feeling because love will always be present.

It wouldn't hurt if his beard connected too.

How do you feel about being in love versus being loved? Is the former more important than the latter? Why? Share with us below.

xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com

Featured image by Getty Images

Style Forecast: 6 Spring Trends That Are Fresh From The Runway

New York Fashion Week has come and gone, but the fashion moments will remain forever. After getting an up close and personal look at a few of my favorite collections, I spotted an array of exciting spring trends coming down the runway. From emerging designers such as No Sesso to CFDA winner Theophilio and Luar, these were just a few that set the tone for what is soon to come.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Tia Mowry Is Reminding Us All About The Power Of Setting Boundaries And Self-Love

Tia Mowry is choosing self-love as a path to happiness, which may be the reason behind her glow. While she announced on Instagram that she was divorcing her husband of 14 years, Cory Hardrict, she is focusing on herself. In an interview with Access Hollywood, which took place days before she announced her divorce, the mother of two shared the secret behind her recent glow.

Keep reading...Show less
Tiwa Savage Shares The Foundation-Less Beauty Routine That Enhances Her Glow

Tiwa Savage is one of Afrobeats' biggest stars and with such a hectic schedule and being a mom, she managed to take time out of her day to share her skin care routine with fans. Check out her Beauty Secrets with Vogue below:

Keep reading...Show less
If You're Not Skin Cycling Already, Here's Why You Should

Another day, another TikTok trend that's all the rage. Many TikTok trends are gimmicks without any scientific backing. Or, in the case of the NyQuil chicken trend that took off, just plain dangerous. However, one has bubbled up to the surface that is worth investigating. Enter: skin cycling.

Keep reading...Show less
How Yoga Helped Peloton's Dr. Chelsea Jackson Roberts Heal From Past Traumas

Since her Peloton debut in May of 2020, Chelsea Jackson Roberts, Ph.D., has become one of the most sought-after yoga instructors on the app. Using a mixture of hip-hop, R&B, classical, gospel, house, and funk-themed classes, the Dayton, OH native guides Peloton users across the globe, in the weekly practice of feeling connected with the body and the breath as they “root down and rise up.” With many leaving her classes feeling more grounded and anchored than they were when they started, it’s easy to see how the former Lululemon Global Ambassador and two-time Yoga Journal cover star has made such an impact. While her background as a third-grade school teacher and founder of Yoga, Literature, and Art Camp lends to her influence, her journey to becoming a world-renowned celebrity yoga instructor was not met without tragedy.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts