Learning What Love Was Changed My Perspective On Being 'In Love'
I told him the issue was that it didn't feel like we were in love anymore.
"Anymore?" he responded promptly.
When he said it, it took a few moments to completely sink in.
It felt like such a low-blow because right before that I had asked him if he ever had been in love with anybody at all and he said "yes." I met him in 2011, so I have a pretty good database of who he has been with and where he has been, but I guess I wasn't too on par with how he felt.
Him never being in love with me hurt but instantly made a lot of things make sense. It was as if he was finally telling me what everyone else around me had always said. "Girl, he doesn't love you, you deserve more."
Is there really a difference though? Between loving someone and being in love with them? Is there truly a separate level of importance between the two?
It really felt like there was in that moment for me, but feelings are not facts.
He was present physically and made attempts to be available emotionally as much as he could. He brought me flowers and told me I was beautiful. We were intimate often and connected deeply during the process. He was for once, not entertaining other women - or so I thought (but that's another story.) We both seemingly enjoyed one another's company and looked forward to spending time together. Aren't these some of the key identifiers in what someone would deem "being in love"?
Meanwhile, here I was not feeling in love because I was still harboring emotions from discrepancies in the past, which impacted my trust in the stability of it all. Then, here you have him coming in, claiming he had good times with me, which formed the feeling of love, but because things weren't constant butterflies and zero arguments, we never were "in love."
I'm toying around with the idea that not being in love with someone anymore but still claiming to love them is a cop-out. It's a way for anyone to give up because it's not easy anymore. Let's also be honest, the easy way out was not something foreign to this man at all.
Who cannot relate to the overwhelming feeling of obsession that comes along with having a new bae? Where I see this becoming problematic is when we continue giving love all of these different definitions for different stages. We imply that once it's no longer fun, it's somehow not even worth it anymore. Or in my case, it isn't love at all.
In true f-ckboy fashion, he attempted to retract his statement a thousand different ways until he realized the damage was already done.
Have all of us singles really never met or been with the person we were supposed to be with "forever," or do we all just abandon ship when things aren't as easy going as they once were?
How do we determine what is worth working on with any given person? Some of the things that my girlfriends go through with their partners, I side-eye pretty often, thinking that I wouldn't be able to stay through it. But are these the people who really have it all figured out?
In all fairness, there are obviously many things that quantify the ending of a partnership - for instance, physical or emotional abuse. It's just now sitting here as someone starting over for the hundredth time, I do wonder about a few people and whether or not I was completely rational in breaking it off with them.
Even the man standing in front of me telling me he was never happy enough to feel "in love," I analyzed a little differently. The reason being, I don't think there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. I think the word "love" never meant anything at all if it chooses to leave during a fluttering between high and low. And that's my problem with the "I'm in love with you" narrative. In love is fleeting, while I believe love stands the test of time. Regardless of whether or not you are next to it, on top of it, or inside of it - real love doesn't stop.
It is constant and without conditions.
What love can be is one-sided. And although I also did not feel "in love" with him, I knew I had once before. His uncertainty was my wake-up call and while the verdict is in and still remains that somebody is gonna get this love, they are also going to reciprocate it.
Most importantly, they are going to meet my love where it is at, follow it wherever it may go, and put in the work necessary to maintain or regain that "sprung" feeling because love will always be present.
It wouldn't hurt if his beard connected too.
How do you feel about being in love versus being loved? Is the former more important than the latter? Why? Share with us below.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Getty Images
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Jessica Rose Schrody is a writer and copywriter based in Los Angeles. As a single mother, Jessica has a lot of experience concerning the ups and downs of parenting, with all the challenges it brings, but also all the joys and satisfaction! She set out to create a blog, where she connects with a like-minded audience, sharing her own stories, experiences, tips, insights, and more. You can also find her on IG @thisisjessicarose and Twitter @thisisjessrose.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.