The random stuff that I find myself thinking about and then researching, I get it from my daddy. Back when he was still alive, it was nothing for him to send me fun facts, usually during the most obscure hours of the morning, on exotic animals, random independent artists and historical info. So, if you're wondering what compelled me to sit up one day and wonder where the phrase "make love" comes from, you can thank him—and the fact that I write about sex and relationships for a living. Oh, and also the fact that it's the kind of phrase that irks me to no end.
To tell you the truth, I've always been that way about the term. I'm not sure if it's due to how casually sex is treated by so many people, or the insane amount of expectation that is placed on the act—but to automatically assume that sex is the act of "making love", that seems a little…ill-defined. At least, to me. But before diving deeper into why I feel that way, let's look at where in the heck the phrase came from in the first place, shall we?
When Did Folks Start Saying “Make Love” Anyway?
So, after doing a bit of research, there are a couple of things that I found to be interesting about the history of "make love". First, one article that I read stated that, as far back as the 1600s, the dictionary defined the phrase in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with sex (or sexual activity) at all. According to it, make love used to be defined as something very sweet and extremely innocent. What it meant was "to pay amorous attention; to court, woo". Hmm. Interesting.
There is another article that I read that basically co-signs on the fact that make love used to have nothing to do with the actual act of sex. Back in the 1800s, when a man was trying to woo a woman into courtship (because back then, you didn't date unless courtship was the goal. Check out "This Is Why You're So Frustrated With Dating" for a breakdown on what courting actually means), the steps that he would take were called "love making". If a man showed significant interest, if he gave the object of his affection gifts, if he took her out—all of these things were referred to as making love.
And how did it "evolve" into sex? Apparently, by the turn of the 20th century, the Oxford Dictionary redefined making love as—"to engage in sexual intercourse, esp. considered as an act of love; frequently used with to, with".
So, make love used to refer to a man using gestures to court a woman. Then it transitioned into being sexual intercourse with someone that you love.
Both sound pretty good, right? To a large extent, I'd agree; especially when it comes to the courtship point because I like the thought of a man being intentional about wooing a woman as he is trying to "make love happen" with her. So, why do I feel like we should stop using the phrase "make love" as much as we do? Ironically, it's because of what the definitions of "make" and "love" mean.
Make. Love. Revisited: What does Making Love Really Mean?
Is it truly possible that the act of sex—especially sexual intercourse—can make love happen? Well, if you read articles on our site like, "Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?", the answer would be "no". Believe you me, I know a lot of people (myself included) who have had some truly mind-blowing sex with people they didn't love; sometimes with people they barely even like (see "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner"). Although it can be a hard life lesson, we need to make sure that we don't mistake strong attraction and carnal compatibility with true love. So already, you can probably see why the phrase doesn't impress me. Let's move on, though.
Next, let's look at the definitions of "make" and "love". To make something is "to bring into existence by shaping or changing material, combining parts, etc." and "to produce; cause to exist or happen; bring about". Love? Personally, I don't think that dictionary definitions do the word nearly enough justice, but to be fair, here is one—"an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness, and regard towards a person or thing". Like I said, that's not nearly good enough. How about we go with a Bob Marley quote on love? It's a lengthy one, but it's pretty fitting.
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.
Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition, but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.
Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do.
Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart, knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security are in knowing that they are a part of your life."
Love is multifaceted. We all know this. And while I'm not sure if life only gives us one person who we can say these things about, I do feel like this is a wonderful, beautiful and cherished definition of love. Know what else? I don't think that the act of sex alone can make this happen—can bring this into existence…can produce this…or can bring this about.
That's why I'm really big on saying that sex doesn't "make love" so much as it celebrates love. The reason why I think it is so important to look at it from this perspective is, well, words are powerful. So is oxytocin. That hormone is designed to make us bond with the individuals we have sex with; it's a chemical reaction to a physical act. But if we automatically think that just because we get an oxytocin surge or just because we're sexually compatible with someone, that it automatically means that love is being made—goodness, y'all. Do you see the kind of mess that can make? Has made? Is making?
I know people who've had a one-night stand and believed they made love with the person. Lord. If you've seen the old school classic film Fatal Attraction (Michael Douglas, Glenn Close), you know that Ms. Cray-Cray used that phrase after the second night of sleeping with a married man. Things didn't end well for Dan (the cheater) and his family, Alex (the crazy chick) or Dan's daughter's rabbit. I know people who've remained in emotionally draining and totally unhealthy relationships because they believe their partner is making love to them; they don't have much in common anywhere else but, since the sex is good, they feel that love exists somewhere in the dynamic. I also know individuals who know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they are settling for less in their relationship or situationship. Still, they keep engaging in coitus, hoping that it will literally make their partner fall in love with them; they feel that since they "make love" to their partner on a consistent basis, they keep telling themselves that being in love is inevitable. Geeze. Not only is that a lot of pressure to put on oneself, it's a lot of pressure to put onto sex as well.
Now do you see why, whenever I hear the phrase used on television, in a song or in casual conversation, more times than not, I'm internally rolling my eyes? Sex brings about love. Yeah…it just doesn't sit well with me.
And what about married folks or people who are in long-term commitments? Do they make love? While I definitely think that the phrase applies to them most, I'd also be willing to step on out there and say that a lot of them would state that love is made outside of the bedroom more than in it. When you forgive your partner, that's making love. When you accept them without trying to change them, that's making love. When you make compromises—and sometimes sacrifices—for the health and well-being of the relationship, that is making love. And then, when you have sex with this individual? That's celebrating all of the love that you've given to that person. That is when you are doing some of the synonyms for celebrate—bless, proclaim, commend, feast, perform, honor, revel, rejoice, revere and let loose.
"Make love" is so saturated into our culture that I know it's still gonna be used—and misused—to death. But hopefully, this at least provided another way to look at the term. Sex is amazin'. But to expect it to make something as BIG as love? I just think that's not giving love all of the credit that it deserves nor is it seeing sex from a truly realistic perspective. Use sex to celebrate love not make it. I think you'll be a lot happier that way if you do. But hey, that's just me.
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10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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