No one wants to hear that dreaded phrase, “We have to terminate your employment,” especially when you’ve got bills to pay and things to do. (And that cliche “You’re fired,” seems to be something that only happens on TV. Even as a manager, I’ve never yelled “You’re fired,” when letting someone go, but I digress.) It can seem like one of the worst days of your life to be let go from your job, but you know, the first time I heard that “terminate” phrase, I was relieved.
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Life Lessons After Getting Fired
It was at a job I hated. My manager at the time was toxic, would gaslight me, and disregard my concerns about work-related issues (of which I was actually asked my professional opinion), and I was given duties that weren’t on the original job description. The job turned out to be a horrible catfish that I really wanted out of from day two. My mom didn’t raise a quitter, and at the time, I didn’t feel empowered to just leave. I cried. Stuck it out. Almost lost my mind. Then that termination day came. While I had a pretty decent salary and several financial obligations, I still felt like I was given a huge favor.
Sometimes losing a job can teach valuable lessons about self-worth and boundaries that no other experience can really teach. Here are a few:
1. It's okay to set boundaries and stick to them. As a matter of fact, it's essential.
When I was offered the position, I was told I’d be able to use my previous experience in the role and that I’d have autonomy. Well, I found out, through observation as to how my manager behaved the first week, that this wasn’t the case. If I would have nipped things in the bud from the beginning, I would have at least gotten a boost to my confidence and might have been able to avoid a terrible snowball of toxicity down the road.
Some employers need a reminder as to what work was actually contracted, what you were promised in the role, and the various legally binding insights that were shared as part of the job offer process. And some managers will also try you until you kindly and professionally remind them of what you were hired to do, based on the job description and offer letter you signed (which is indeed legally binding.) Again, set those boundaries early through open communication and stern, but respectful language when you see things going left.
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2. Standing up for yourself doesn't make you 'difficult.' It empowers you.
I could liken the manager I had at this particular job to a schoolyard bully, and my mother always taught me, “A bully will always mess with you if you do not stand up for yourself. You must stand up for yourself.” I can remember the one bully I had, in all my school years, who thought they’d try to threaten to beat me down in front of the whole school during lunch period one day. Well, let’s just say she learned the hard way that I’m not one to bully. Good thing she chose a public place. I defended myself, and not only did she never bully me again, but no one ever bothered me, either.
The same can be said about a manager or supervisor in the workplace who just seems to always be riding you–always down your throat about something or being super-unprofessional in the manner in which they talk to or relate with you in the workplace.
After being let go from the company, I reminisced on that day in school, as that confident young girl I was, and thought to myself, ‘Janell, you should have spoken up for yourself and quit.’
You can professionally approach addressing toxic behaviors in the workplace, and be sure to have them on record, by at least reporting them to human resources or other parties who are responsible for HR-related issues. Even if you don’t feel like it will do any good, at least it’s on record, especially if, like me, you’re fired. You might also need these insights on record for getting unemployment benefits, suing the company for wrongful termination, or disputing when the company fights against your receiving any benefits.
3. Never connect your value as a human being to insights (or opinions) about your job performance or experience.
Oftentimes, the manager I had during this awful firing experience, would be very disrespectful and mean, both in manner, voice tone, and words. Sometimes I found myself, as a result, feeling less-than, inadequate, and beat down by the end of a workweek. I came to the position with great references, amazing industry experience, and a great attitude, yet I’d allowed another human being to make me feel low and unworthy as a person. (That’s called abuse, by the way, something of which I’d been a victim in personal relationships both as a child and an adult. I have always had to cope with the healing from those experiences, but had never been victim to it in the workplace at the level of this particular job.)
I had to remind myself that it was the job (well, the manager really) not me. Also, even if I was not doing a great job, that does not mean I’m not a great person. Our value, as human beings who deserve love, respect, and dignity, does not diminish because of issues at a company.
(And trust me, I did the best I could, as a high-achieving leader, considering the very unorganized, toxic environment I’d been working in.)
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4. It's okay to walk away almost immediately when you feel unsafe, unhappy or know that the job simply is not a good fit for you.
It can seem daunting to quit anything, especially, if, like me, you were raised to just stick things out, ‘put on your grown-woman panties’ and overcome. Well, not every situation is worth the trouble, and oftentimes, our early fears or insecurities about a job are proven valid and problematic in the end. As an experienced professional, I now know that it’s better for me to walk away as soon as I see major red flags. That firing experience gave me the confidence to not only quit a job when I knew it was just not a good look for my long-term success and wellness but to feel totally secure and unapologetic in doing so.
I’m not saying you should just give up as soon as someone on your job tap-dances on your nerves a bit too hard, or when a job seems like it’s challenging you a bit too much. What I am saying is that you shouldn’t stay in any environment where you consistently feel unsafe, unworthy, or loathful coming to work every day.
And sometimes the reasons have nothing to do with the work environment. It could just be the fact that the job just isn’t a good fit for you. Maybe you're not at your best because you're simply not passionate about the type of work you're doing. Maybe there are some personal things you need to work through. Maybe the company culture, while awesome, just isn't your vibe. Just like you’d break up with someone in a romantic relationship who, while nice and wonderful, is just not the right person for you, leave that job that’s not compatible, too.
You can go through a benefit-of-the-doubt process where you bring up your concerns to your immediate manager or escalate things to a union rep or HR manager, but at the end of the day, if you know, that first week or month, that deep down in your gut, that the job is not right for you, it might be a better idea to just gracefully bow out early, with your dignity and mental health intact.
5. Life indeed does go on, and you will, indeed, be more than fine. You'll probably be even better after the experience.
Many of us can feel “at fault” when it comes to being fired, even if whatever situation led to the firing really wasn’t our fault. There’s shame, self-defamation, and other horrible fall-outs that can happen when you’ve been let go. But let me tell you: Since that experience, I’ve gotten several amazing jobs, made way more money, I’ve traveled the world, and I can look back on that day and laugh knowing that I am well taken care of by God, today.
I did a bit of self-work after that experience, and I found that much of the reason I stayed in the position even after all the red flags I’d noticed during that first week, for me, had to do with self-worth issues and old traumas I’d experienced in the past that I had not addressed within myself. I also learned to forgive, especially in reference to that manager, because I held on to a lot of hurt and anger about the situation. I’d had high hopes for that job—things that were promised to me by the manager—that never materialized.
I take my work seriously, and when something doesn’t work out as someone says it should in a position, it’s like my whole world ends thinking about all the amazing things that could have been accomplished had I been given what I was promised and allowed the chance to thrive in the role. I’d also turned down other opportunities to take that job and felt a lot of resentment about that. You can’t get time back, so that part really made my blood boil. I had to forgive myself as well.
It’s an amazing feeling to be able to take your power back by looking inward, rallying support from family, friends, and mentors, and remembering who you truly are as the person God made you to be. I’m an auntie, a sister, a lover, an advocate, and a damn good writer and editor. I’ve blessed folk with opportunities, mentorship, and financial investments. Being fired did not define me, stop my coins, or destroy me.
I’ve continued to seek God, work through healing, and take the lessons to be a better person and professional in the long run.
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A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
And even though I am a bona fide ambivert who enjoys my own company more than anyone else on the planet, I must admit that I really like — adore, really — my circle of friends and enjoy going out on dates with them. Each one brings something different to my life, and each date leaves behind a unique type of experience and set of memories. Yeah, dating my friends never gets old. Not to mention the fact that it’s highly beneficial and, dare I say it, even necessary if you want to properly nurture the non-romantic connections that you have.
And so, in honor of how important it is to care for your friendships, I’ve got a few real-deal reasons why going out on dates with your friends, as much as you can, is one of the absolute best things that you can do — for all parties involved.
Quality Time Is Essential in All Relationships
GiphyIt really is wild, the songs that will randomly come to mind, whenever I’m writing content. Today, it’s High-Five’s “Quality Time” (if you know, you know). I know why it did, too, because, when it comes to going on a date, the main point and purpose of it is to spend quality time with another individual (or at least it should be — check out “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”).
And although usually we think of that in the context of getting to know or to spend undivided time with someone who we have a romantic interest in, the reality is that any time you make plans to hang out with another individual without any distractions, that is technically a date. And yes, in order for any relationship — new or otherwise — to grow, quality time is essential.
I don’t just mean on the phone either. My closest female friend? If it’s not a phone call, it’s texting, and if it’s not texting, we are sending each other news links throughout the day, each and every day. However, whenever she comes to my city or I go to hers, the time is just…different. Just being in someone’s physical presence and absorbing their personal energy helps you to connect with them in a very profound way.
So yeah, when it comes to my top reason for why I think that friends should “date each other,” for the sake of mutually spending some much-needed quality time — that comes before all of the rest.
Dating Your Friends Does Wonders for Your Holistic Health and Well-Being
GiphySeveral years ago, TIME published an article entitled, “Why Spending Time with Friends Is One of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Health.” The content in it shared data like socializing with people you care about can lower your stress levels, boost your heart health and even lower your risk of eventually becoming diagnosed with a chronic disease.
Other studies say that spending time with your friends can help to give you a greater sense of purpose; provide the accountability you need to develop/maintain good lifestyle habits; make you feel more confident; reduce your chances of experiencing depression or even having a stroke, and it can increase your longevity overall. In fact, one study cited that “People with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely” to the point where it’s worse than — get this — smoking 20 cigarettes a day!
What this means to me is, even if you don’t think that you have time to hang out with your friends, you should certainly make it. From all of the research I saw, your physical, mental and emotional health and well-being all depend on it. LITERALLY.
Friends Have Their Own Love Languages Too
GiphyA few years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships.” I mentioned love languages again in the article, “7 Hacks That'll Make Your Friendships (Even) Better” because that’s how important I think it is to know if your friend’s top way of wanting love expressed to them is quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch (physical touch is affection not sex; that can’t be said enough), acts of service or gifts.
Why? Because no two friendships are the same and when each of your friendships are fluent in each other’s love language, it tends to make communicating and connecting much smoother. For instance, I have a friend who really couldn’t care less about getting a Hallmark card (I like those, though); she is far more moved by when you hear something that she mentioned on a call and you meet the need (like if she said that she’s been too tired to cook and you shoot her a DoorDash gift card) because she’s an acts of service type of gal.
Well, along these same lines, what I have learned is when it comes to planning dates with my friends, it has more of an impact if the date speaks to their love language too. For instance, my quality time friends? It makes no sense to have them be my movie buddy, chile, because they want undivided attention where they can talk and ask lots of questions. Meanwhile, my gifts friends? They don’t care where we go or what we do, so long as I have some type of “thought about you” token in tow. LOL.
Bottom line with this point is, you already get points for asking a friend out on a date. However, you get a bevy of bonus ones whenever you plan a date that centers around their love language. Trust me, I have tested this out.
Remember the Saying: “People Change and Forget to Tell Each Other”
GiphyA quote that I find myself using pretty often with couples is “People change and forget to tell each other.” A playwright by the name of Lillian Hellman once said it. And here’s what’s really insightful about that saying: There are studies which say that we tend to transition so much as individuals that right around every 10 years, there are parts of us that become totally different people. In another article that I read on the same topic, it stated that although our core personality traits tend to remain relatively the same (and I agree with that), “People evolve and change over time...Our interests and approach to the world changes. Our experiences change who we are, and how we internalize and interpret the world around us.”
This is why I’m personally not big on when people are like, “I can go months without talking to my closest friends and we can just pick up where we left off; that’s how close we are.” Chile, even plants need to be watered a few times a week and if you aren’t intentional about nurturing your friendships, emotional distance really can form.
Before long, usually without even noticing it, you realize that you’ve grown apart on some levels and what’s really holding you together is nostalgia not a true connection (and yes, there is a difference). One of my friends, we hung out for the first time in about a year (because her plate is currently beyond full) and we definitely had a few, “Oh, you don’t do like that anymore?” and “Oh, when did you decide to think that way?” moments.
It’s because — just think about it: If it is indeed true that we make a whopping 35,000 different decisions on a daily basis…12 months of that? Yes, some of those choices are going to be impactful enough to alter us and when we’re different, our relationships end up shifting on some level too.
Dating your friends helps you both to keep up with the subtle and not-so-subtle changes, so that your relationship can adapt to them. This one right here can’t be emphasized enough.
You Don’t Always HAVE Time. You’ve Got to MAKE It.
GiphyLet me circle back to something that I said earlier, just to really bring the point of this entire piece home. I think it’s hilarious that when it comes to dating, a lot of women will be quick to be on some, “If he wanted to, he would” — oh, but when it comes to making time for friends, many will go into how busy their schedules are. Sis, the same point actually applies: What is a priority to you, you will figure out…one way or another. And when you see all of the reasons why hanging out with your friends is good for you, them and the relationship overall — why would you not want to prioritize “in your face” time with them?
The problem is that a lot of us try to “cram people into” our lives when, what we need to do is, discipline ourselves enough to actually schedule them into our world. So, at the top of each month, as you’re figuring out what those four weeks are going to look like, shoot your schedule over to a friend or two to see when they can meet up for some type of date. Once it’s on the calendar, I promise you that it won’t feel so stressful; in fact, it will be something that you can look forward to.
You and your friend can go on a date and it will be all good — start to finish. Talk about a pick-me-up that’s always worth it. It never misses. Ever.
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