At this point, who doesn’t know what the five love languages are, right? I mean, they’re so popular that I’d also be shocked if most people weren’t also aware that a pastor and counselor (who recently turned 87, by the way) by the name of Dr. Gary Chapman is who came up with the concept. And honestly, that’s why I’m also not surprised that, even though millions upon millions of copies of his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts have been sold (and applied), as of late, there have been naysayers writing articles stating that his theories are not scientifically substantiated.
Uh-uh, if you read a lot of those pieces deeper (like this one here), they claim that there hasn’t been enough data collected to know if quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and/or gifts are truly the ways that we prefer to feel loved by others the most. Hmph. Sounds like a bunch of haters who are pissed that they didn’t come up with the concept first, so I’ll skip over the skepticism and continue to apply them to some of my pieces, thank you very much.
In fact, one of my favorite things about love languages is I think they can — and should — be applied in a myriad of different ways. That’s why, over the years, I’ve penned pieces for the platform like “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language,” “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?,” “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships” — and today, it’s all about how to use the five love languages as it relates to one of the greatest things about you: your vagina (and the outer part of it which is your vulva).
Although it might sound a bit weird to think about love languages in this way at first, I think that after you read this all the way through, you’ll get the importance of showing your uniquely-yours-treasure-trove extreme love, in all five ways, just as much and often as you possibly can.
Quality Time
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Some of y’all might feel some type of way about what I’m about to say but I’m going to say it anyway. Am I the only one who notices how much social media rants about body counts not mattering and yet, at the same time, whenever it’s time to do some spiritual soul-seeking or “getting back to me,” one of the first things that comes up is going through a season of abstinence? Let me tell you something, when I started my own abstinence journey a billion years ago, at first, I just saw it as a break from the physical aspect of sex. Oh, but as I started to do more research on what science says about copulation (like TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring”), it helped me to become even firmer in my stance that I’m not a fan of casual sex — shoot, now more than ever.
Anyway, as far as quality time with one’s vagina goes, honestly, the first thing that comes to my mind is being abstinent for a season (check out “What Actually Happens To Your Vagina During Seasons Of Abstinence?”). Why? Because when you take time out to not allow anyone into that very sacred space, it can help you to learn about what your vagina wants and needs…beyond sexual pleasure. And honestly, it can help you to tap into your sensual nature on another level too (check out “10 Women Tell Me How Abstinence Actually Made Them...Sexier”).
As far as how long the season should last, that is totally up to you. All I’m saying is that it’s something worth considering. I know a lot of women (and men) who have done it. Not one of them has regretted it.
Another way to look at showing quality time to your vagina is taking a “vagina vacation” because think about it — what happens on vacations? Rest, relaxation, pampering, right? So, why not treat your vagina to one of these? It might seem crazy to wrap your mind around yet there are spas and resorts that are specifically designed to focus on kegel and pelvic floor exercises, treatments that you can give to your vulva, and holistic approaches that you can take to increase your natural lubrication, decrease your chances of having a vaginal infection and improve the overall quality of vaginal intercourse.
My recommendation? Think about the treatments that you want to give your vagina, then select a spa in another city. You can spend the day giving “her” some TLC and then the rest of the time chilling out.
Physical Touch
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If the first thing that came to your mind with this one is masturbation — although I can see why, it doesn’t have to be. There are definitely other ways that you can express “self-love” to your genital region than (just) that. For instance, there is vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”) which is all about giving your vulva and vagina a therapeutic massage for the purpose of providing them both with a level of compassion when it comes to checking out areas where there might be pain, numbness or even areas of discomfort.
While this can obviously be physically beneficial, there are some psychological reasons why this is a wise practice too; for instance, sometimes this type of touch can remind you of some suppressed trauma you might’ve experienced or anxiety that you may have. If that is the case, you may want to discuss it with your doctor and/or a reputable sex therapist.
Another thing that you may want to consider is performing a vaginal self-exam (see “Why You Should Give Yourself A ‘Vaginal Self-Exam’”). This is basically a breast self-exam, just for your vulva and vagina, so that you can see if there are any (physical) abnormalities that you might’ve missed while bathing. Another way to love on “her,” physically, is to simply do a vaginal massage which is also called a yoni massage. Although it’s somewhat similar to vaginal mapping, its main purpose is to simply help you to feel more comfortable with yourself in that space.
Personally, I do vaginal massages in the sense of using a combination of warmed-up grapeseed oil and lavender oil to increase blood circulation to my pubic mound and vaginal lips as well as soften my pubic hair. Anyway, you can read more about vaginal/yoni massages here.
Words of Affirmation
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A couple of years ago, I penned a piece for the platform entitled, “Vaginas Are Like Plants. Here's What I Mean By That.” One of the things that I mentioned in it is the importance of — wait for it — talking to your va-jay-jay. If you think that it’s just something that I made up in my head, check out HuffPost’s (UK) article, “Speaking To Your Vagina Can Help It Thrive, Says Gynaecologist.”
The long short of it is there is a part of our brain known as the reticular activating system (RAS); it’s what helps to regulate our sleep, attention, and arousal cycles and patterns. It is also thought to be a part of how our subconscious mind operates. Anyway, the theory is that if you speak positively to and about your vagina, that will cause you to 1) act lovingly towards it and 2) want to provide it with the things that it needs.
If you add to this the fact that research also says that things like stress and not feeling good about yourself can lead to things like vaginal dryness, a lowered libido, and recurring yeast infections, speaking good things about your vagina could only work to your benefit…don’t cha think?
Acts of Service
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To me, acts of service simply means vaginal maintenance — getting waxes (if that’s your thing); taking a daily probiotic; doing kegels; buying new cotton panties every 6-9 months; using white (and unscented) toilet paper (other kinds can irritate your vagina); using water or only vaginal washes that are made specifically for your vulva and vagina (I like Boric Fresh PH Balancing Daily Feminine Wash and Pangaea Wash™: 100% Natural Foaming Feminine Wash and you can also check out “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”); using condoms; keeping your labia moisturized with some coconut, avocado or olive oil (which contain properties to protect vulvar skin); NOT using scented products (if your vagina or vulva has a consistent odor, see your doctor), and sleeping naked (so that “she” can breathe).
Yeah, even though my own primary love languages aren’t acts of service, I’ve always liked this one because it commands respect: “Don’t just say that you love me; DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.” Salute. LOL.
Gifts
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Something that I like a lot about DIY gift baskets is you can customize them in super detailed ways — this includes when it comes to your vagina and vulva. For instance, if you wanted to show “her” some extra love via gift-giving, you could create a yoni basket that is filled with things like — yoni bath bombs, some vulva balm and you should also check out “Your Vagina's Holiday Wishlist Includes Pelvic Floor Massagers, Tanga Panties, & More” for more inspiration.
Also, I actually treated myself to a tumbler that says “Make Better Coochie Decisions” (by Goddess Intentions) on it, simply because I thought the message was hella cute. At the end of the day, a gift is a token of appreciation. Your vagina deserves to feel appreciated by you…on the regular.
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It can’t be said enough that the more that I learn about the vagina (and vulva), the more intentional I am about giving it extra special praise, care and attention. This list is just a reminder to consider doing the same.
Show “her” love and watch how she responds in return. Yes, literally, sis.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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