Good things come to those who grind. The early bird gets the worm. Sleep is for the rich.
I can bet you $20 that you've seen one of the aforementioned quotes on a meme or status on social media. If you're like me, hearing any of the three anecdotes above immediately sends a wave of anxiety through your body, and makes you think of all of the things you won't possibly have time to accomplish today. The "grind" is a lifestyle that we as millennials boast and work hard to maintain because there's said to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But Francheska Medina, a Harlem-based wellness advocate and media personality, says those theories are bullsh*t.
Francheska, now more popularly known as Hey Fran Hey and one third of the popular The Friend Zone podcast, is living proof that trying to keep up with the grind can mean risking both your physical and mental health.
Nearly a decade ago, the now 36-year-old wellness coach was on track to put out her debut musical project when she was struck by an illness that not even doctors could explain. She said, "I wasn't eating, stress levels were high, wasn't sleeping. Was kind of on that #TeamNoSleep bullshit that people are on now. But think about it, it's called "grind life." I grinded myself into nothingness and got so sick. And that summer was really bad. It was a rock bottom at the time, but it ended up being a complete shift in my consciousness, where I was hospitalized."
"I grinded myself into nothingness and got so sick."
Courtesy of Francheska Medina
Many times, we don't know what we have until it's gone, and that was true for many of life's basic necessities at this point in Fran's life. It was then that the young entrepreneur realized the only choice she had was to make a change in her lifestyle.
"Sometimes you take things for granted the most basic things. Like being able to walk, feed yourself, use the bathroom, shower. Those are things that we overlook on a day-to-day basis. And it took me losing the ability to do all of those things to realize, like woah. I am not focused on the areas of life where i should be focused and pouring my energy into, which is me. As a person, as a human being first, before music or creativity or a career - all of that had kind of taken a backseat to my goals. So that is where the shift came in of, Fran first, career next. Wellness became my priority."
"Fran first, career next. Wellness became my priority."
Since then, Fran hasn't looked back. She currently uses her platform to share information, tips, and resources to help other women live their best lives and truly find alignment. In addition to co-hosting The Friend Zone, Fran is currently on a 12-city wellness tour, and was just named one of the official hosts of HBO's Insecure Podcast, but somehow she still makes time to prioritize self-care.
We got a chance to talk to Fran about how she makes time for her own wellness despite her busy schedule, and here's what she had to say:
xoNecole: What is an average day or week like for you?
Fran: It's kind of hard to pin down because it changes so much. My self-care acts are my priority. Before, it was a thing where my work was first, and then I would kind of figure out ways to integrate self-care, but that's completely switched since I got older. Now self-care is first. So, I wake up in the morning, meditate, make my breakfast. Sensuality and catering to my five senses are kind of what helps me have a good day.
I'll have to have resins burning, make sure the lighting in my apartment is up to par. I even have bulbs that have a remote, so it changes with the color wheel. I'm very much a Taurus, all of my sense have to stimulated in order for me to wake up in the morning. Obviously, eating good food. I don't jump on the phone. Everyone who knows me knows I'm not texting, calling, or speaking to anyone before noon, because that's kind of my little cocoon time frame. I work out, go to the gym, run a three-miler, lift some weights, do some HIIT workouts.
Once I feel like Fran is taken care of, like my body, my mind, my emotional health, then I hop online and cater to my workload. I try to work from about noon until maybe 6 or 7, taking small breaks here and there, small dance breaks if I'm at home. Then I eat dinner, then I read or watch a doc. You know, something to keep myself sharp. I'm in bed by 11 now, that's been my biggest shift this year, fixing my sleep schedule. So I'm in bed by 11 now, which has been so great for me. It's been great for my mood and cut down on anxiety with a heavy schedule. Unless I'm traveling for the tours, that's a whole different ball game.
What do you find to be the most hectic part of your week/your work?
When you're creating weekly for so many different projects, it's easy for something to slip or fall to the wayside. I think with taking my time, and being so well organized now, has allowed me to focus on each project and give it 100 percent. I don't believe in multitasking. That's another thing that I've completely cut out. Because multitasking was what was making my projects slip. There's no way you can give 100 percent to multiple projects at once, so the way that I schedule myself is that each thing gets its own couple of hours or it's own day of my week. That was making me feel raggedy after a while.
How do you find balance with:
Friends?
I'm lucky enough that I work with all my friends. All the podcasts we're apart of, we're all integrated into it. So my podcasts, both of them are with my friends. My wellness tour is with my friends. I've designed a life where not only do I do what I want to do, but I'm also surrounded by the people that I want to be surrounded by. And luckily, we have the similar interests so our life can mesh in the different intersections, which is my favorite part. I literally have a dream life. So, that's how I get to see them.
"I've designed a life where not only do I do what I want to do, but I'm also surrounded by the people that I want to be surrounded by."
Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images for Westfield
Love/Relationships? Dating?
My last relationship was a mirror of where my head was at and it wasn't a good relationship. There were a lot of really heavy aspects of it that taught me a lot about how I view love. Your whole value system is mirrored to you through these relationships. So I realized I needed to take a break and recalibrate because I wasn't liking who I was in relationships and I realized I was falling into very similar patterns repeatedly. So I've actually been on sabbatical or hiatus from relationships until I can get to the point where I think I'd be a better and strong contribution, as well as receiving a partner that could be a better contribution. It just hasn't been a priority, I've had to do a little bit of work first.
Exercise? How has working out benefited you mentally and spiritually?
Exercise is a huge part of my lifestyle. Not so much being in the gym, like I'll make time for it. But it's more so just the connection. The connection with my body. It's making sure that with all these flights and all these projects that I'm getting good stretching in, that my circulation is flowing, that my heart is getting movement, that I'm getting sun because it's easy to stay cooped up working all day. It's more so the connection, knowing that I'm hitting all the cylinders. I like more restorative forms of working out. My body was completely different. I was a lot thinner and really ripped up, but it wasn't sustainable for me. I wanted something that could be integrated a little more seamlessly. So it's like riding my bike, going for a run outside. Even dancing from Afrobeat playlists.
Health? Do you cook or find yourself eating out?
Cooking more for sure. Because eating out, especially in Harlem, there aren't a lot of options for the food that I like to eat. It's growing because it's gentrified, so there are more vegan options. But I tend to just make my own stuff. I'm flexible between being a vegetarian and vegan. Eggs kind of makes me switch between the two.
Do you ever detox?
No, because my lifestyle at this point is one big detox. It's literally how I live, so I don't feel that I need to push my body to detox any more.
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
Solitude. The only times I start feeling that way is when I'm listening to too many people and not listening to myself. It never fails. For me, I don't even view it as a bad thing, I just view it as a gauge of how much time I'm spending with my intuition, my own heart, my own thoughts. It's like a barometer that says, your ears have been perked a little too long. So I just withdraw a little bit, read more, write down my goals and thoughts and the way i want to execute thoughts. It's a sign that Fran, you need to spend a little more time to yourself.
And honestly, what does success mean to you?
Success for me changes for me day-to-day. But as long as I'm doing what I want. As long as I'm waking up and not feeling misaligned. Room for me to channel what Fran needs to put out into the world.
For more of Fran, follow her on Instagram and check out her website for curated calmness on the go, Hey Fran Hey.
Featured image courtesy of Hey Fran Hey
When I write my next book (that’s currently slated for release in June of 2024; just in time for a big milestone), I’m going to share some of the things that personally caused me to go through the ending of some friendships. For now, I’m going to share a big one: friendship infidelity.
Yeah, I know — oftentimes, whenever the word “infidelity” is used, the main (if not only) thing that comes up in people’s minds is someone cheating on their partner. However, if you’ve read my content for a while now, you already know that an “occupational hazard” of mine is the fact that, as a writer, I’m pretty word-literal. Therefore, when it comes to infidelity, I’m aware that it’s got more than one meaning. And when it comes to friendship (or so-called friendships — check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One”), yes, there is a definition that totally applies. Let’s discuss.
What Does Infidelity Literally Mean?
GiphyIn order for this to “scratch any itch” that you might have about this particular topic, let’s get into the definition of infidelity that I was referring to. While yes, the most popular one is “marital disloyalty; adultery” (one day, we’ll have to talk about how the Bible doesn’t define adultery in the way that folks think it does (check out Matthew 19 sometime), another definition is “unfaithfulness; disloyalty.” While we’re at it, let me share a few synonyms for the word too: betrayal, falseness, inconstancy (bookmark that), deceit, double-dealing, fraud, breach of trust, violation, dishonesty, and false-heartedness.
Okay, so now do you see how it is totally appropriate to use the word “infidelity” in the realm of friendship if someone has been unfaithful or disloyal to you in any of these ways (that inconstancy one is a mutha!)? Do you also get that there is a huge possibility that, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, there are times when you’ve committed some form of infidelity when it comes to one or more of the friends in your life?
Because be real — have you never breached their trust? Have you always been consistent? To violate is to treat someone or something with disrespect. Have you never done that before? Only your ego would tell you that you’ve been a perfect friend — and the ego lies.
That said and with the meanings of a different kind of infidelity established, let’s now talk about how to approach this type of experience…because it ain’t easy.
When It Comes to Faithfulness in Your Friendships, What Should Your Expectations Be?
GiphyAs far as having my own accounts, I don’t do social media (still trying to decide if I will, a little bit, around my book release) — and it has been peace, wonderful peace, to live that way. This means that it’s pretty rare that I’ll read comments via any of the platforms I write for (also peaceful). Oh, but a few years ago, when I penned “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other,” I did tiptoe out a bit, and boy, some folks were disgruntled with me, chile. I was called petty, problematic, and a host of other stuff.
Uh-huh first, I don’t get how you can be mad at me about what works for me and my life (being controlling manifests in all sorts of cryptic ways) and secondly, time and experience have taught me that it’s a boundary that has served me extremely well. One of the reasons is that, since friendship infidelity is a very real thing, my lines not crossing helps to keep people from betraying my confidence or double-dealing in a way that may not even be intentional.
An example? Say that I have two friends and I tell one of them something in confidence. Then she tells the other friend, assuming that I already had because she thought that the other friend and I had similar discussions. This would be a non-issue if I hadn’t brought them together in the first place.
Another example is, one of my closest friends has some people who I like a lot who live in Nashville (my friend doesn’t). Sometimes, when she comes into town, we’ll all hang out. I don’t do it outside of that, though, because there are things that she shares with me about them on occasion (from a getting a different perspective to make certain decisions angle; especially since I’m a life coach) that I don’t want to make her or them feel awkward about (even if it’s just due to somewhat of a shift in my energy). Plus, everyone just needs to have their own people. This ain’t high school; everyone doesn’t have to be in the same cliques.
If one of my friends wants to vent about me…I don’t care if/when they are talking to someone who I don’t even know…because I’m not friends with that person… because I don’t expect anything from a complete stranger. So again, this type of boundary has served me extremely well over the years — and my friends agree. It has made “faithfulness” so much easier for all parties involved because again, lines don’t cross and things don’t get messy.
Okay. I’ll give you one more example that has to do with one of my male friends and his personal friendship-related preference. Due to his high-profile profession, he doesn’t like to be discussed at all, not even casually (really). He doesn’t want me to bring his name up and, when someone else does, he prefers that I keep the conversation down to an absolute minimum, no matter what the topic is. For him, it works for his close friendships to be somewhat private, so that people don’t know who they can go to in order to get in touch with him or to receive any intel that he hasn’t directly shared — professionally or personally.
Some people may call that “paranoid.” For him, it’s safe to move that way. And so, as his friend, it’s not my job to try and talk him out of his standard. If I value our friendship, I simply need to honor his request — plain and simple. To do otherwise would be an act of unfaithfulness (especially if I agreed to what he asked me to do and then switched up on him).
So, when it comes to you, what are your expectations? What do you need — actually require — of your own friends? Have you stated those things? Because you should never assume that your definition of what a friend should be is exactly the same as someone else’s. Next, have you made it abundantly clear to them that if those expectations are not honored, you will feel some level of betrayal? If you haven’t, you should because, although most of us can agree that a partner sleeping with someone other than their own spouse is a form of infidelity, friendship infidelity isn’t quite so black and white.
If you want your friend(s) to be faithful — “true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.,” “steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant” — you need to be upfront with them about what they are vowing to do…what you want them to be constant in? Because, again, how you might roll as a friend may be something different to/for them.
Come to think of it, love languages in friendships is a good example of this. One of my close friends is a quality time person; I’m not. On the other hand, I am a words of affirmation person; she isn’t. She used to think that it was a given that I should want to hang out at least once a month and I used to get irritated that she wasn’t big on words. When we had a talk about our individual expectations, we found a “middle ground” and that made things so much easier…on both sides. Indeed, in order to be faithful (or unfaithful), you first gotta know what you’ve agreed to be faithful to. It’s not fair to expect someone to honor you and what you bring to a friendship if you’re not communicating your expectations on the front end.
So, what should your expectations in your friendships be? That, I can’t answer for you, because even when it comes to across-the-board traits like support, availability, and communication, honestly, even those are gonna manifest differently for different people.
All I’m saying is make sure that you share what your expectations are as you listen to theirs as well. That way, you both can move forward in your friendship knowing what you have mutually agreed to actually be faithful to.
What Should You Do If a Friend “Cheats on You”?
GiphyOkay, so what if, after you have established what you need/expect from your friend, they are unfaithful or disloyal? That’s kind of a loaded question because there are a lot of different ways that this box can get checked. For instance, I once had a friend who kept trying to put me in touch with someone who I knew was unsafe (on a lot of levels). She kept asking and I kept telling her “no.” One day, she called me and then handed that person the phone — she was disloyal because she dishonored my boundary.
Back in the day, I used to write devotionals and I shared the story (sans her name) in it. All of a sudden, she thought that she was the victim (gaslighting friends are something else). So wait — you put me in harm’s way and I need to apologize to you for it? If her identity was obvious (I didn’t even say “she”), I get it — it wasn’t. She just felt guilty and didn’t want to take accountability. As a result, she weaponized our friendship by going ghost for like a year and then tried to come back as if nothing had ever happened. Chile.
For me, there was no coming back. The way she handled that, on a few different levels, was emotionally draining and I honestly didn’t have the stamina for it. So, I ended the relationship officially. Years later, we saw each other and made our peace. I’m fine with it being just that (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”).
That’s kind of an extreme example. Still, the reason why I brought it up is because I wanted you to see how I handled one form of friendship infidelity: I thought about what happened, I pondered what I was getting (and not getting) from the friendship, I thought about how she handles things when she is in the wrong and I focused on what would be the benefits and challenges of keeping her in my life. The conclusion that I came to is I care enough about her that we’re not rolling our eyes in the mall or sucking our teeth whenever one of our names comes up to the other yet I don’t want her to continue walking closely to me in my journey. I’m good.
For you, it might be a bit different. What if one of your friends betrays you in some way? Is it fair to take a “one-and-done” approach? I dunno. Is that how you would want your friends to handle you? Do you want to feel like, no matter what, after you make one mistake (or poor choice; not everything is a mistake…some things are intentional), there’s no coming back? If so, you might not want to have relationships at all because humans are fallible, INCLUDING YOU. You might as well settle in with that fact now or you’re about to be triggered, irritated, or angry for most of your life, chile.
What Should You Do If YOU’RE the One Who Cheats?
GiphyOver the weekend, I watched a movie where a woman cheated during a long-distance relationship and then claimed that her boyfriend was “punishing her” because he wasn’t over it a month later. The first thing that came to my mind? A lack of accountability. Why? Because I’m pretty sure that if the shoe had been on the other foot, she wouldn’t be all rainbows and sunshine four weeks later…either.
Being that I grew up in an environment (pretty much everywhere, including church) where folks absolutely sucked at taking personal responsibility for their actions without trying to make excuses, using justifications, deflecting, or gaslighting, I am almost violent about making sure that I don’t follow suit. And because I’ve had times when I’ve violated someone’s boundaries (I used to be more controlling than I should’ve ever been) and/or betrayed their trust (just because I’m basically an open book, that doesn’t mean that I should assume that everyone is the same way) — I’ve had to learn how to take full ownership for my actions. Then, if the person is open to accepting my apology, I would take things up a notch by making amends (check out “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made”).
If you’re not sure what an "amends" is, basically, when you’ve done something that has offended someone or caused them some type of harm if you’re truly remorseful, it’s not enough to flippantly toss a “my bad” in their direction. No, when you really get the magnitude of what has transpired — and if you want to restore the damage that was caused — you need to be intentional about doing something that will help with the healing process. This can happen with a simple, “What can I do to make things better?” People who apologize and then ask something along those lines show that they really get what they did; not only that but they are displaying that they want to humble themselves enough to help the person they hurt to “recover” in any way that they can.
So, if you are the one who was unfaithful or disloyal — own it, address it, apologize (without any unnecessary extra-ness, make amends, and then give your friend space to heal…however they need to do so. Infidelity hurts in any kind of relationship dynamic yet when two people — BOTH INDIVIDUALS — really want to make things work, they can come back from it. Oftentimes better than they were before.
How to Heal from Friendship Infidelity
GiphyIt really can’t be said enough that humans are fallible. In fact, it is my belief, that if more of us said that as a mantra, five times a day, we’d probably be a lot more merciful than we tend to be. Because since none of us are perfect — INCLUDING OURSELVES — it really is pretty ridiculous to expect to be in relationships with folks and have them never disappoint you (where they do that at?!). The reality is sometimes a friend may be disloyal — not in a malicious or redundant kind of way (another message, another time) but just…they didn’t meet your requirements, they hurt your feelings (even if not intentionally) or they simply made a poor decision. Just like you have before — and at some point, will again.
Yes, it can hurt; trust me, I’ve been there. At the same time, you can heal from the pain and your friendship can survive too. The key is to really process the character of your friend, the track record of your friend, and if the benefits far outweigh the challenges with them. If everything is on the upswing, talk to your friend about how you are feeling, pay close attention to how they respond (if there is remorse, compassion, and patience), and then make the decision that you want to move forward. And then move in a way that shows that you’ve learned from it all.
For instance, say that you told one of your friends something in confidence and they repeated it. After getting context, if it was reckless chatter, healing begins with forgiving them, them trying to make things right and then you easing into sharing anything else. No, it’s not about keeping the door shut forever — it’s more like, telling them something that you don’t really mind if it gets out. If it does, although that’s not a big deal, you will now see that yapping is a pattern for them and so, although you like having them in your life, being a “confidant space” is not where they need to be — at least not for quite some time.
And what if, in your opinion, there is no coming back from friendship infidelity? How do you heal from that? Well, you need to grieve it like you would grieve anything else. Go through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The key is to not stay stuck; especially in anger. Because really, how is that gonna help or change anything?
I’ve gone through some acts of extreme infidelity that took me a while to move to acceptance — really accepting that it happened and fully accepting that I had to let the relationship go. Yet once I got there, healing was waiting for me. Because I wasn’t beating myself up trying to read someone else’s mind or motive or exhausting myself by wishing things were different. No one can change the past. Even accepting that can restore you to some pretty unexpected levels.
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This is the kind of topic that I really could write an entire book about. For now, I just hope that this article provides some clarity that, if you wonder if unfaithfulness is a real thing as far as friendship is concerned, it most certainly is. It’s also not automatically unforgivable either.
Last example: I’ve got a friend of decades who prioritized a woman that he barely knew over our friendship. Meaning, she was threatened by me being around and so he did whatever to make her happy even at the expense of what we agreed to do and be to each other, as friends. Friendship infidelity. He has since apologized and I told him what I am a firm believer in: the apology needs to breathe. I need to take some time, he needs to take some time and, in time, either we will still see value in our dynamic or, because an apology was made and then accepted, peace will always remain between us.
Infidelity is something that none of us want to experience — oh, but we probably will. When it comes to your friendships, perhaps you’ve got a (better) grasp on how to handle it.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. Live long enough, chile, for better or for worse, you will know about both. I can almost guarantee it.
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