So, if you've been rocking with this site for several years now, you might vaguely recall an article that I wrote, a couple of years back entitled, "Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship." The bottom line was if you don't make the time to go through the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — even when it comes to the ending of a romantic relationship, you could 1) mistake a lack of thorough and proper grieving for still loving someone and/or 2) prolong the process of healing, so that you can actually move forward.
Today, while this topic is somewhat along these lines, I'm actually going to touch on something a bit different. The reason why is because, after watching a movie where one of the female characters said, "How dare you not be the man I thought that you were in my mind," I felt it was also important to address that sometimes, we as women have a tendency to send ourselves through stress, strain and total emotional upheaval — not so much because the guy we were (or are) seeing did anything "wrong" to us or even because anything tumultuous happened in the relationship. It's simply because, if we're being really real with our own selves, we know that we wanted "him" to be someone he's not — and that is what we need to grieve so that we can know what to do next.
If that paragraph totally resonates with your mind, body and spirit on some level, let's walk through how you can grieve who you thought the man you care about was…even as you're catching on that he's not really that person at all.
Be Honest: Have You Been Ignoring Some Somewhat Subtle Red Flags?
Wanna know a sign of being a low-key control freak in relationships? When you ignore red flags under the guise of "I can change him". While this way of thinking is pretty common, I don't know if it's addressed enough, just how arrogant and presumptuous that sounds. Who are we to change anyone? That's not our job in any kind of relational dynamic. Yet when folks are of this mindset, they can be so caught up in what they think they are capable of doing — or even should do — that they will dismiss all kinds of blaring red flags.
How do I know? I used to struggle with being a control freak in this lane and it definitely caused me to overlook some stuff that I shouldn't have. And just what are some red flags that are beyond obvious ones like abuse or blatant disrespect? If you and the guy you're seeing don't want the same things (for instance, you want to be married and he absolutely does not). If you and the guy that you are seeing have different standards and values. If you and the guy you are seeing communicate poorly (like you chalk up constant arguing to being playful banter; relationships need to be peace-filled as much as possible).
If you and the guy you are seeing define things like exclusivity in dating in totally different ways. If you and the guy you are seeing are not doing a good job at meeting each other's needs. These are just some examples of what are considered to be signs of an unhealthy relational dynamic; still, so many people ignore them because whether it's fear, ego, or both, they tell themselves, "I mean, I might see that this person isn't the right fit but because I already decided that they should be, I will make them fit by trying to make them be who I want."
What a lot of folks who think like this don't realize is, the moment they've got to apply force (or even manipulation) in order to try and make something manifest, they actually need to be seen as a red flag to other people. Because y'all, it is off-the-charts crazy, just how many individuals will ignore signs that someone isn't a good match for them, believing that they will put their blood, sweat, and tears into turning them into something else and then acting like that person is the bad guy when things don't go as they planned. No one is the villain just because they didn't succumb to an agenda that consisted of trying to change them into something that they're not. And just why does this happen so often? I mean, besides the control freak thing? This brings us to my next point.
Did You Cast Him into Your Fairy Tale Without His Knowledge…or Permission?
Living for the fairy tale. Personally, I close-to-loathe that phrase. I've shared before that it's because I know that fairy tale means "a story, usually for children" and "an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief". You know, not too long ago, someone asked me what has surprised me the most about adulthood; the first thing that came to my mind is how many "old children" there are. In this lane, the stories that are often told to children are ones that far too many adults are still using to program their own minds when it comes to romantic situations.
Is it wrong to want to be in a relationship that you can describe as amazing, wonderful, and fulfilling? Absolutely not. At the same time, when you run with phrases like "my Prince Charming", I mean, don't even get me started on how even the Bible says that "charm is deceitful" (Proverbs 31:30); for now, we can just go with…who do you know is married to a prince? And if we tie this into fairy tales, do you ever hear what happens after the "…and they lived happily ever after part" of the story? Chile, we don't have a clue what Prince Charming and Cinderella went through after their wedding day. It's like we're left to make the rest of the story up.
And that's kind of my point. If you are still leaning into a "fairy tale mentality," you also can make up narratives to go however you want. If you're not careful, you can also carry that into your relationships with men. Before you know it, you've decided that some guy you like should be some leading character with all of the traits that you created in your mind. Then, you find ways to "sway" him into fitting into those roles — oftentimes without him knowing that that's what you're up to or that he wasn't even asked to sign up to go through those kinds of emotional contortionist positions.
Hey, I never said that this article was going to be an easy one. I simply said that sometimes grieving who you thought someone was is something that needs to happen. If you know that you've been guilty of coming up with your own story and then inserting some man that you like into it, script and all, this is a reality that must be faced. Otherwise, you are more of a villain in your own fairy tale than you will probably ever choose to accept.
Is Denial a Pattern for You (Especially in Relationships)?
Those of us who work in the lane of therapy/counseling/life coaching know that it's pretty common to have clients who use a state of denial as to their front line of defense when you're trying to confront them about something. And what are some telling indicators that someone is indeed living this way? They refuse to talk about their issues (or they don't tell all of what has led up to them). They are constantly on the defensive. They only share the good stuff. They find all kinds of ways to justify their mindset, behavior, or patterns. They "edit out" what they don't want to face head-on.
One of the boyfriends from my past, I was in a lot of denial about. I wasn't really physically attracted to him. I carried 90 percent of the financial burden in the relationship. He loved me more than I loved him while I wanted different things at a different time than he did (for instance, he actually loved me enough to marry me while I wanted to get married much sooner than he did; I ignored that I didn't love him enough because marriage was such a personal priority at the time). Yet because I wanted to be cherished so badly and I had already invested so much time into us, I spent a lot of time denying what was while telling myself to ONLY focus on the good. In the long run, it wasn't worth it. Living in denial rarely is.
The thing about making denial a pattern in your life is it's directly connected to self-delusion and self-deception. So, when it comes to this particular point, if you're not sure if you're living in denial when it comes to your relationship or not, ask some of your friends what they think. Real friends only want what's best for us and because they are not mentally, emotionally, and perhaps physically invested in the guy we're with in the way that we are, they can pick up on "hold up signals" in a way that we simply cannot. Can't. Yet still, need to.
Is Whatever’s Disappointing You Deal-Breaking Material?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?" The reason why I'm mentioning it here is that, while it might seem on the onset that my recommendation to grieve who you thought someone was means that you are to kill and bury the relationship altogether, that is not necessarily the case at all. Again, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. So, what I mean is if you are in a constant state of irritation or even frustration because the man you want or even prefer (because want and prefer are not exactly the same thing) doesn't exist even though you keep trying to make want you want or prefer to be so, sometimes you really need to face that you are 1) in denial; 2) angry; 3) using pressure, ultimatums, manipulation, nagging and/or control to bargain with him to change; 4) you might actually be somewhat depressed about your situation (a profound definition of depressed is "anger turned inward") and so 5) it's time to accept reality for what it is.
And in this case, what you really need to come to terms with is, can you ACCEPT him for who he ACTUALLY is, or do you need to accept that you both should probably part ways, so that you both can be with someone who want try to change either one of you? One of the most helpful ways to come to the decision that you need to make is when it comes to who he truly is, are you upset because things aren't going your way, or are there real deal-breakers on the table? For instance, if you told yourself that he will become uber romantic and he just isn't that guy, can you deal with that long-term? Or if you told yourself that physical attraction doesn't have to be that important yet it's affecting your intimacy with him, can you really learn to adjust, or is it not something that you can get past? Or if he's all that you want in a husband but he has stated, more than once, that he doesn't want to get married (check out "He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?"), where do you go from here? Like, for real, for real?
A part of the reason why it's crucial to go through the grieving process whenever someone reveals themselves to not be who we thought they were is because it's the acceptance of this fact that helps us to make wiser decisions when it comes to what to do about the relationship, moving forward. If you don't grieve all of this, you could remain stagnant. And in this case, on a lot of levels, unfortunately, that typically equates to settling.
If This Stuff Applies to You, GRIEVE.
A writer by the name of Anne Rophe once said, "Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life." To me, this is one of the best ways to bring this article to a close. I say this because, if you now know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you are grieving, not so much who a man actually is but who you thought he was, you can embrace the fact that it's not until you fully acknowledge the loss of that version of him that you can start to remake your life — whether that means coming to accept that it needs to be with him which includes the reality of the facts of what you're actually dealing with or alone so that you can 1) learn to become more honest with yourself about seeing people for who they really are so that 2) you can start dating and building with someone from a more realistic perspective.
And what should the grieving process look like?
Journal out what you've been in DENIAL about and why. While you're at it, if you know that all of this is a pattern of yours, write about that too.
Give yourself the opportunity to be ANGRY about what you've been denying so that you can get out your frustrations and not take them out on him. If this means venting to a friend or even speaking with a counselor, please do it.
Determine NOT TO BARGAIN over what you want vs. who he is. While all relationships require compromise and it's important to realize that it's rare to get everything that you want on your list from someone else (check out "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist"), if you feel like you're making concessions that are going to leave you completely unfulfilled, long-term, you need to understand that aren't making the true definition of what a sacrifice is — "a surrender of something of value as a means of gaining something more desirable". No one should feel like they've got to convince themselves to stay with someone else. Bargaining is oftentimes doing just that.
If you come to the decision to end the relationship, it's OK to feel SAD. Clearly, there were some good things about the person and the dynamic that caused you to stand. Internalizing your emotions will just prolong the healing process.
ACCEPT whatever you ultimately decide to do. If you decide to stay, be intentional about not trying to change him. If you decide to leave, be disciplined enough to not go back until you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you can accept him as-is; that you will only be there to support him in the changes he desires to make based on the man he needs to become vs. the man you want him to be (because that is not always or automatically one and the same).
Grieving can be hard. Shoot, harder than even that. This includes when it's tied to something like conjuring up an image in our mind that doesn't actually exist. But if you do it, you allow healing and clarity to manifest — and when you approach relationships from this space, you are more whole, you are more relaxed and you are better able to see things for what they are, not for what you want them to be. And then you can make wiser mate selection decisions from that. I know this from very up close and personal experience. So, grieve it out, sis. Grieve it all out. The pain won't last forever and you'll be the better for it. You truly will.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Being A Single Woman Isn't Always Luxurious, But It Can Be. Here's How
Being single isn’t so luxurious when life be lifing, especially, when you’re the sole person responsible for all your bills and general upkeep of your everyday life. I’m sure I can speak for most single women when I say that the constant of having to take care of every detail of your life, paired with working, is taxing. We’re just girls!
I, for a long time, thought that being girly was the equivalent to living luxuriously, which is still true in some cases. However, for years, I struggled to relate to that concept because I had a hard time connecting to my girly side. I was just too mentally drained from having to think about and fulfill my ‘daily’ responsibilities, solo. So, I had to redefine what luxury means to me, and what it means at this current point of my life is freeing my mind from clutter, allowing me to simply be.
Nikola Stojadinovic/ Getty Images
To get started on my journey, I started at the bottom and began to ask myself some honest questions like: What can I do to alleviate some of the day-to-day tasks? What areas in my life do I need additional assistance in? What should I start or stop doing that can help me clear my mind from clutter, giving me more time to relax?
In no particular order, here’s what I came up with!
Tip 1: Compartmentalize
Identify the areas in your life that require the most time out of your day, cause the most stress, and, of course, affect your funds the most. Once you have a handle on that, then you need to start thinking about the next most important step. What requires more money vs. what requires more labor and go from there.
Tip 2: Outsourcing
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We know that you’re a strong, independent woman who can do it all…but is that the life you want to continue living? For example, put down the broom, pick up the phone, and hire a house cleaning service if cleaning your home takes too much of your time. If you can’t afford a housekeeping service, then space out your chores. You don’t have to clean your home all in one day.
Tip 3: Maintain car maintenance checks
Girls, we must remember that our cars are just as important as our homes and bodies and require its own maintenance. We can’t ignore the check engine light forever. Little do you know, the very knowledge of knowing that your cars’ needs are being neglected is causing subliminal stress because it will always reside in your mind. Just take it a day at a time. Set aside one day to clean your car and set aside another day to make those big girl phone calls to schedule a maintenance appointment.
Tip 4: Meal planning
PixelsEffect/ Getty Images
If you’re not comfortable in the kitchen, then that means you’re probably ordering in or going out to eat. Figure out what your goal is when it comes to meals and your money. If you can afford to eat out every day, then do you sis! But maybe utilize a meal prep service at least once a month; that way, you don’t have to “think” about your next meal. And if you’re a girlie who likes to cook, then eliminate the mental fatigue by pre-planning your meals on your off days so you can just grab it and go throughout the week.
Tip 5: Notes & Calendar apps
What’d En Vogue say? Free your mind, and the rest will follow! When it comes to running your whole life, you’ve got to keep a schedule or else you’ll endure the mental gymnastics of trying to remember everything on your own. Utilize a calendar and write notes to yourself as they come to mind. Writing things down gets them out of your brain, freeing your mind from clutter and allowing you to rest.
Tip 6: Maintaining bills
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There’s not much you can do about having to pay your own bills. It can definitely be a lot harder to manage when you don’t have someone to (financially) depend on for things you didn’t plan, like getting a boot on your car, medical bills, etc… I’ve found that living below your means until you’re in a position to splurge, has helped tremendously. That means, to preserve my peace of mind, I have to say ‘no’ to hanging out sometimes unless, of course, someone else is footing the bill *wink wink*
Tip 7: Ask for help
It’s not a flex doing everything on your own, by yourself. This way of living is not supporting our soft girl-era ladies. Identify who’s in your circle and ask for help. Help might not always be monetary, but it could be in the form of asking someone to house-sit for you while the internet guy installs your router and you’re at work. That one effort of asking someone in your village for their time is indispensable.
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