Going Back To School After 30? Here Are 5 Things To Consider
I never, in a million years, thought I'd ever go back to school. I attended Hampton University (the real HU) and after four years of college---and however many years in elementary, middle, and high schools--- I was through with being a student. Though I had a wonderful undergraduate experience full of fun, exploration, and growth, I couldn't wait to get my adult on and start earning money at a full-time job.
After graduating from college, I knew a master's degree just wasn't needed. My mentor, a journalist and editor who worked for The New York Times, had a long, successful career and accomplished great things through grit and experience. Many of the journalists I admired did not have master's degrees, and I never had an issue getting jobs with just a bachelor's degree. I always thought that pursuing an advanced degree was something that only benefited those interested in teaching or becoming a C-suite executive.
Fast-forward about 15 years: I'm over 30, and I've worked for top publishing companies. I've launched a semi-successful consulting business. I've seen failure and halted the business. I've gone back into the workforce, traveled the world freelancing, and worked odd jobs in between. (Hey, no shame here. It's called taking risks and living life.)
After all of that, I hit a ceiling in terms of fulfillment, and I wondered what's next. I even lost my enthusiasm for journalism and found myself in a bit of mental rut. One day, I saw my sister---a savvy single mom and Navy veteran---and my mom---a 50-something pastor and government professional---finishing their final papers for their online graduate-degree programs. The light bulb in my head went crazy and the urge to follow in their footsteps kept me up at night. I knew then that I had to apply to a school. I did just that, got in, and boom, I became a student---again.
If you're considering going back to school after being in the workforce, taking a break for parenting, or surviving whatever life has thrown at you, be encouraged by these tips and go for it!
1.Recognize The Salary And Promotions Benefits
Going back to school led me to revisit the stats on graduate degrees and career advancement. Statistics show that getting an advanced degree in fields including business, technology and healthcare can lead to a increase in salary to the tune of more than $23,000, according to the National Association of Colleges and Employers. Also, after doing a bit more research (ie stalking a few LinkedIn pages of top media professionals), I noticed that most of the them actually have advanced degrees and instead of starting as editorial assistants, they were already associate editors and managers.
Let's also think about this in a different way: Today, you're not limited to the traditional majors for a graduate degree. There are all sorts of programs that could benefit your career advancement. For example, you could pursue a master's degree in organizational leadership (MAOL) versus the MBA if that's more of a fit for your career plans. Try a master's degree in a related field or a program that includes courses that will give you specialized knowledge related to your industry. If you keep these things in mind, you'll remain motivated knowing the potential for return on your time and financial investment.
2.Get With The (Online) Program
With the advent of online options from accredited schools, as well as programs that cater to seasoned professionals, I really had no excuse not to pursue an advanced degree. In the past, online programs were considered nontraditional, and when you'd mention them, people would frown wondering about credibility and educational quality. Today, a third of all students take online courses, and even Ivy League schools---including Harvard and Columbia---offer online options. My program allows me to complete studies from anywhere in the world, and I set my own schedule. There are deadlines, of course, but it's not like when I was in undergrad, where you had a set time and day to go to class and were limited to that. I typically block out time to study and complete coursework just like I do for consulting, fitness, or a hair appointment. The key is to be super-mindful of how I spend my time and really commit certain hours of the day to learning and interacting with my professors and global community of classmates.
3.Find the Financial Aid Plug
I never really paid attention to the fact that jobs actually do offer education-related benefits. Companies including Walmart, PepsiCo and Bank of America offer tuition reimbursement. Ask your manager or HR professional about those education-related benefits that you may have ignored. Consider even applying for jobs at universities that offer tuition reimbursement, remission or employee discounts. Many universities have corporate partnerships with companies where they offer tuition discounts, so don't be afraid to ask around and do your research.
Scholarships aren't just for high school valedictorians. There are actually options for working adults returning to school to gain knowledge for fields or specialties that are in high demand such as cybersecurity. You may be eligible for scholarships based on your work experience, your volunteer activities, or your involvement in nonprofits or religious organizations. Utilize sites such as FastWeb.com or StudentAid.gov in your search, and tap into your network.
Pay out-of-pocket if you can. Schools offer payment plans where you can make payments throughout the semester. Find creative ways to finance your degree---from side hustles to downsizing in some areas of your spending. Trust me, the sacrifice for two to three years is worth it. If you take on a loan, only accept what you can afford to pay back and start your monthly payments while you're still in school. There's no shame in taking out a loan to reach your goals, but be sure you're taking on debt that you can manage and pay off.
4.Pace Yourself, Sis
You're not that teenaged, full-time college student with a weekly allowance and time on your hands just to study, party and travel. (Was that just me?) In going back to school, I underestimated the rigors of the program and took on several classes at one time in a rush to graduate in less than two years. Though my first semester was a great experience, it was a bit much in terms of combining my current freelance and consulting workload with schoolwork. If you have a busy schedule and are already balancing work and family life, maybe start with one or two courses per semester to get your feet wet.
Utilize some sort of calendar app, set alarms, and schedule your study time. If you're in an online program, this is especially important because it's easy to forget that an assignment is due or that you have to log in for a mandatory video lecture. Be kind to yourself in the college journey and know your limits based on your lifestyle and priorities. My life is mine to live, and sometimes, well, life happens. I've found that it's better to take time to do well than to have to re-take courses due to lack of focus and proper attention.
5.Tap Into Those Student Services
I love the student services my school offers--- everything from tutoring and writing labs to career and mental health counseling. These have been extremely helpful to me as a 30-something-year-old student. I must admit, I initially felt a bit awkward at my age going back to school, almost to the point of self-doubt and fear. I'm not that old but teens and 20-somethings today are doing some amazing things that I've never even thought to do. The scope of technology and its use is much more advanced than it was when I was in undergrad.
Knowing that I have student resources at my fingertips has helped me get over my insecurities.
It's awesome to be able to ask for help in navigating Blackboard or refreshing my APA paper-writing skills. It's also great to be able to just learn from others in a way I hadn't been able to in years. The whole experience has also reminded me that just like a teen or 20-something is new to college and knows all about what's trending today, I have the maturity and life experience on my side, so my perspective and contribution is respected and valued. Take advantage of services---many of which are typically included in your tuition cost---that will help you transition into student life and find balance.
Above all else, the invaluable benefits of going back to school mean the most to me. I now have a new sense of discipline and accomplishment that has boosted my self-esteem. My re-entry into higher education has also awakened the competitive geek in me who used to fight for an A and loved to talk topics with other very smart people. For me, going back to school also offers new possibilities for becoming a better leader and thinker, and that's worth more than money can buy.
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- Going Back to School in Your 30's is Easier Than You Think - Thrillist ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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