Listen, when it comes to sex, if I have a tagline (that I made up, by the way), it would definitely be, “Sex doesn’t MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES it.” There are a billion-and-one reasons why I feel that way; however, for the sake of your time and my (writing) space, I’ll just name one: although sex is a very powerful thing, I’m not fond of it being seen as a way to make love happen.
Why? Because that’s how a lot of people fall delusionally into all kinds of relational nonsense: they thought that since the sex was good with someone and because oxytocin did what it was designed to do (which is bond two people together), they must, automatically, be on the fast track to love — when that wasn’t even close to being the case. And oftentimes? They had to find that out the hard way.
That’s why I’m a firm believer that sex should be the icing on the cake of a relationship, so to speak. It shouldn’t be relied upon to make love transpire; instead, it should help you and someone who you know that you love to celebrate your feelings and commitment to one another. Make sense?
Okay, so with all of that said, why did I decide to give this article the title that it has? For one thing, what I just shared is my opinion; others feel differently. And two, even if you agree with where I am coming from, pretty much all of us have been programmed to see “having sex” as being less impacting than “making love.” And the latter point is why I decided to ask six married couples to share with me what they think the difference is between having sex and making love — now that they can look at both from a personal experience and “lesson learned” standpoint.
*Middle names are used so that people are able to speak freely and comfortably*
1. Adrian (42) and Melissa (38). Married 14 Years.
GiphyAdrian: “When I was out in these streets, they should’ve named one of them after me; that’s how active I was. And if you asked me to recall what half of those women looked like, I couldn’t draw you a picture. I’m not saying that to brag. I’m saying that to say that women need to not assume that just because a man slept with you that he wanted anything more than that one experience. Having sex gets projected to be more than that with a lot of men when that isn’t the case. When we get a nut, thank you…over and out. Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down. We want to make it last for as long as possible because we enjoy being close to them. If you’re paying close attention, you can tell when a man is making love to you — and when it’s just…sex.”
"Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down."
Melissa: “Unlike my husband here, I wasn’t ‘out here’ like that. I was never someone who wanted a ‘hoe phase,’ and one-night stands weren’t really my thing either. I did have some rebound sex situations, and that’s what I have to go on when it comes to having sex vs. making love. I think for us women, when we’re using someone to get over someone else, there’s no way that could be about love because the motive is selfish. Making love is about giving yourself to another and also wanting to please them as they do the same thing for you. You’re not looking for what you can get so much as what you can give. It’s literally about expressing love in a physical way. Having sex has nothing to do with any of this.”
2. Wesley (30) and Narielle (31). Married for Three Years.
GiphyWesley: “Why isn’t f — king in here too? That’s another category. Yeah, if someone is just f — king you, there’s very little foreplay or kissing, and they have already timed how long you should stay or they’re gonna be at your place. If they’re having sex with you, they will care enough to tell you what the situation is and will pass if you’re not on the same page because they at least value you enough to not want to hurt your feelings or give you any illusions. If they’re making love to you, they’ve told you where they stand, emotionally, before the sex. It doesn’t always mean that you’re in a serious relationship, but the two of you do share similar feelings and are on the same page about where you’d like things to go. When men make love, there’s intention involved. They’re also figuring out how to fit you into their life besides the four walls of their bedroom.”
Narielle: “I think that having sex is more about physical pleasure while making love is a holistic experience. Whenever I make love, things feel more intimate, more intense, and more…involved. I’m also not looking just for an orgasm, but when they happen, they are so much better than when they happen with sex only. It’s like love is in action in the most profound way possible. That’s why I think they call it ‘making love.'”
3. Xavier (41) and Charlotte (38). Married 11 Years.
GiphyXavier: “When you want to be as close as you can to someone because it’s where you feel safe, loved, and fully appreciated as the person you are, and you can trust that because that individual knows more about you than anyone else, that’s when you’re walking into ‘make love dimensions.’ I agree with you: sex doesn’t make love happen. It’s more like…the sex act makes it possible for you to share a closeness with someone that nothing else can. And when that closeness transpires with a person who you love with everything that you are, ‘make love’ is almost the only way to describe it. Now having sex? Animals do that. A sexual release doesn’t mean that anything life-changing or earth-shattering happened. If your genitals get stimulated, you’re gonna climax. Big deal.”
"When I'm horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm."
Charlotte: “Hmm. How do I put this? I guess the best way to separate having sex and making love to me is, when I’m horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’ve got my husband ‘on tap’ to do that with, but the orgasm is really all that I’m after. Making love, though? That’s when the orgasm is the icing on the cake because, more than anything, I just want him inside of me to feel how much I adore him and how much he adores me. If we cum, cool. If we don’t…I’m fine with that too.”
4. Jacob (27) and Ashlynn (27). Married for Two Years.
GiphyJacob: “I think that having sex is about what you can get out of sex, and making love is what you and your partner can get. What I mean is, back when I was just having sex, if the other person had a great time, that was fine, but it wasn’t my main goal. A lot of guys won’t tell you that getting your off is still about us and our ego when there’s not an emotional connection on some level. Making love? I’m not happy, pleased, or done until my partner is, and her being pleased brings me the most pleasure. Making love is a selfless act.”
Ashlynn: “Without going into too much detail, now that I’m married…I don’t think I’ve ever really made love until my husband. I had some really good sex but…when you’re fully committed to someone who is also fully committed to you, it shows up everywhere — including in the bedroom. It’s like…all of the love that I have for this man, I want him to feel it during the sex act, and that is A LOT. I also think that’s why our sex life only gets better over time. The more I love him, the more I wanna express it. Yes, even with sex.”
5. Richard (34) and Shayla (33). Married 7 Years.
GiphyRichard: “Mostly everyone who I’ve had sex with, I cared about on some level. I respected my body and time too much to lower that bar. Making love is something different. When men get to a point where they feel like they are ‘making love to you’ — they are totally vulnerable. They are bringing all of who they are into your energy and space. That’s why women have to be careful about how they treat men whenever a man initiates — he’s bringing his most fragile self to you when he actually loves you.”
"Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet... sometimes they don't."
Shayla: “I’m gonna be real with you: sometimes I ‘have sex’ with my husband, and sometimes we ‘make love.’ Yes, I love him all of the time, but I think the differences have a lot to do with the mindset you’re in while having sex with someone. Sometimes, I don’t want to be all emotional and cuddly. I want my back blown out! Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet…sometimes they don’t. I’m satisfied either way.”
6. Ransom (50) and Ostar (47). Married for 24 Years.
GiphyRansom: “Not to go too deep on you, but I think the biggest difference between having sex and making love is in the first words of both terms: have and make. Have means that there are different degrees of possessing something. Make means that there’s a particular method or approach that you’re using to achieve a certain end result. When you have sex with someone, there are degrees of investing that you are putting in to get what you want — and based on who you’re having sex with, that goal can vary. When you make love, you’re going to take the approach that will make you and your partner feel the most loved. There are no variations because, each and every time you make love, love what you’re looking to achieve.”
Ostar: “Damn babe. See why I love this man? In all of our years together, I’ve never heard him speak on this before. He’s gonna get some tonight: sex and love! My thoughts are that having sex is ‘scratching the surface’ of intimacy while making love is going into the deep end of it all. When you want all of who you are to mesh with all of who someone else is, then you’re getting into the ‘make love’ side of things. Also, pay close attention to how you feel once the experience is over. If you want to learn even more about them, get closer to their soul and commit even deeper as you feel all of that being reciprocated? There’s a good chance that some ‘love energy’ was exchanged because, when it’s just sex, you tend to want to retreat back into yourself rather than share even more with someone else. Making love is a spiritual journey. Having sex can be just…physical.”
____
There you have it: six married couples (and 12 different people) sharing their thoughts on what having sex and what making love is — to them. And now that you’ve taken in their perspectives, I’m curious…what are yours? Hop in the comments and share. Because no matter where your feelings fall on the issue, if there’s one thing that all of these insights proved, it’s that sex isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” kind of experience. And you know what? Making love isn’t…either.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
___
Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock