How Designer Fhonia Ellis Went From Unpaid BET Intern To A Sought-After Tailor To The Stars
Pulling up in a lime green Jeep Wrangler Rubicon, Fhonia Ellis, all of 5'7", jumps out of the driver's side. She walks around to the back seat of the passenger side and pulls out a pair of white boots and slips them over black distressed jeans paired with a white "Queens Get SHIT Done" tee. She doesn't even curse— much.
"She Has Incredible Tenacity," she explains. "It's my t-shirt line. It's inspired by powerful women that I encounter and I'm inspired by every day. All of the shirts are centered around empowerment, freedom, and confidence."
I offer my help as she pulls out a garment bag, and I'm instructed to carry what I later find out is her sewing kit as we make our way inside a beautiful white bungalow-style home with black trim. Downstairs it's tastefully decorated with modern furniture— chic, but cozy. We clomp up wooden stairs that lead to a den and through a door that opens to a massive closet that would please even Carrie Bradshaw. Ellis drops off her kit and warmly greets her client, Dr. Jarrett ("Doc"), like an old friend.
"Some people when they get to a certain level you would think they'd move on," Doc says. "But she's very down to earth."
Ellis certainly has a roster to boast about. Her list of tailoring clientele includes the likes of Diddy, Missy Elliott, Cardi B, and Marsai Martin, just to name a few. An impressive Rolodex considering that she's only in her third year of full-time self-employment.
But not all success stories sing the same tune. Some start off in a low hum that, with each and every obstacle overcome, grows into a steady crescendo. For grit always comes before glory, and Ellis' story is one with a promising ending.
Becoming a Designer
Growing up Ellis didn't have visions of grandeur as a tailor. "I used to say in high school all the time, I'm going to be a designer," she says. "I didn't even know what a designer was, but I just knew that that's who I was going to be."
A first-generation designer and tailor, Ellis picked up a needle and thread at the age of 15, at first to add some flavor to her "Mom" jeans, which she'd cut up and cut out to reflect her unique style. As her passion for fashion evolved, so did her skill sets. Inspired by the bold and daring details of clothing designers like Betsy Johnson and the late Alexander McQueen, Ellis' own threads never failed to impress. Her custom creations caught the attention of NBA player Derek Anderson, who owned a clothing store and sought Ellis to design a line of jersey dresses for his clientele. "That's how I made money in high school. I was making jersey dresses for people and costumes. I made my prom dress. I would wear all of it."
As word got around town about her hand-stitched designs, the requests started flowing in and her waitlist grew a few months out. But there was one caveat— she didn't know how to use the sewing machine that her stepmom had gifted her. But as she would later learn, there was no problem that she couldn't stitch.
"I called [my friend] and was like, 'Hey, I think my machine is broke.' I didn't want to tell them I didn't know how to sew because at this point everybody thinks I know how to sew on a machine. So I was like, 'Hey girl, I think my needle broke but I don't know how to fix it. Do you think you can come and show me how to fix it?' And she was like, 'Oh girl, don't worry about it. I'll fix it for you.'"
A self-proclaimed visual learner, Ellis watched as her friend threaded the needle and worked the machine, which was all she needed to see to take over the reins. "As soon as she started out, I was like, 'Bingo! I got it.' And I took a Sharpie marker and highlighted it on my sewing machine— the way to thread it like one, two, three, four. Then I started [machine] sewing everything."
As a local socialite, Ellis hit the ground running— showing off her designs to anyone who would pay attention and often hosting pop-up fashion shows at nightclubs and bars around the city. "I always had a mentality of even if you don't let me in the door, you're going to have to see me eventually, and once you see me, you're going to come to me," she says. "You may not give me your money now, but eventually, you are going to want me because I'm going to make myself so marketable that it's going to be hard for you not to want to know who I am."
With a taste of success under her belt, Ellis' dream of being a world-renowned designer could no longer be confined to her small town in Louisville, Kentucky. She had a bigger vision for herself, which required a big move and bigger faith. With her eyes set on New York City, she cold-called the wardrobe department at BET and requested to send over her design portfolio for review. They didn't have opportunities for her at the time, but she kept in contact with the supervisor of the wardrobe department.
Nearly a year later, she landed an unpaid internship in the wardrobe department, which meant moving to a city where she had little money and no friends. "I remember my brother called and he was like, 'You need to figure it out because if you don't get out of here now, you're never going to leave.'"
"I always had a mentality of even if you don't let me in the door, you're going to have to see me eventually, and once you see me, you're going to come to me. You may not give me your money now, but eventually, you are going to want me because I'm going to make myself so marketable that it's going to be hard for you not to want to know who I am."
A Fearless Move
A girl from a small town with big dreams, New York City greeted Ellis with open arms and its infamous struggles. During the day she worked at BET as a fashion assistant, and after leaving work she'd transition to Starbucks to put in a few more hours of work on her designs, taking advantage of their free internet since she didn't have it at home. Eight months in, she felt that she was no longer growing at the media company, and knew soon she'd have to find something else. "It was a good position, but not a great position," she says in an interview with Blog Talk Radio.
Shortly into her time there, she got a call from her brother with devastating news. Her mother— who was battling cancer— wasn't doing well. Reluctantly, Ellis packed up her belongings and moved back to Kentucky. A few months later her mother passed, but not before leaving her a message. "She was like, 'I want you to know something. I want you to know that I'm proud of the woman that you became, not for everything that you've done.' And I know now that she was speaking to my future self, where I am now."
Her mother also predicted who her next celebrity client would be. "My mother used to watch BET Awards and she would be like, 'Oh, you're going to be there one year. My daughter's going to be a designer for Mary Mary.' And when my mother passed away, the next person I designed for was Erica Campbell."
Ellis continued building her design business in Louisville, despite dealing with the grief of losing her mother. During this time she would be a guest on 106 & Park showcasing the 2013 spring and summer collection of Rebirth, her clothing line launched in 2007 that caught the attention of celebrities like Trina and Diamond. She'd also lead sewing classes and host a motivational workshop entitled "The Life You Want To Live." Nearly three years later, she heard a voice nudging her to move again. "God told me that you have to get out of here because somebody's going to try to do something to you because they think that you have more than what you have. So you're going to have to go to a place that I'm going to show you."
With $1,200 to her name, she left home and traveled down the road to Atlanta. With no job lined up, she began visualizing what her next position would look like at the advice of a spiritual advisor. Wanting a break from the designer's life, she desired something without the stress and with more stability. "Literally Macy's came out of nowhere; they didn't even have my resume. [The manager] was like, 'Somebody's watching out for you.' And he hired me."
For the next three years, Ellis worked in visual merchandising while taking on new clients on the side. Though she had the urge to leave and pursue design full-time again, she felt in her spirit that she wasn't ready to take the leap into entrepreneurship due to her history of depression, PTSD and suicidal attempts. "God was basically saying mentally you're not strong enough to handle the highs and lows of entrepreneurship right now," she says. "I knew God was trying to protect my peace, and He was saying that you're not strong enough for the industry. You're still too emotional or very offended with things. You're going to shut down and this will break you."
Thanks to therapy and an invitation to the gym, she was able to start the process of healing. "I just was so tired of my own shit. I was so tired of being depressed and broken. I was like, I've got to try to save my life because if I don't, I'm afraid I'm not going to have one. The gym has kind of been my saving grace."
"I just was so tired of my own shit. I was so tired of being depressed and broken. I was like, I've got to try to save my life because if I don't, I'm afraid I'm not going to have one. The gym has kind of been my saving grace."
Finding Her Purpose
India Arie plays softly through the iPhone speaker as Ellis flips through her red alteration cards, reading the notes from her session with Doc, who's currently changing into another outfit. Thus far the client has decided to have a pair of plaid pants taken out ("they're a little too tight around the rear") and pair of floral pants taken in and hemmed up half an inch. She reappears in red sweatpants, awkwardly grabbing at the crotch that's been cut out and takes her position in front of the full-length mirror. Ellis crouches into position and does a duck-like walk around her legs, expertly pinning and outlining areas with fabric chalk for sewing later.
"You can tell she's very passionate about what she does, and I'm all about hanging around passionate people," Doc says. "I feed off of energy and she has a really great spirit, and you can just tell that she loves what she does."
Later in a Starbucks coffee shop, Ellis admits to me that having the right attitude was something she had to develop over time. "People don't like being around people they don't like, so if you want to keep the money rolling in you have to learn how to have a certain type of energy and a vibe."
She also admits that she's still getting used to accolades from clients, in part because this wasn't the career path she imagined for herself when she was designing clothes at 15.
While at Macy's, Ellis quickly learned that she didn't want to pursue a career in visual merchandising, and felt a strong calling towards alterations. There was only one problem— she had no desire to be a seamstress. "As designers sometimes we may look at people who say oh you're a seamstress as de-valuing in some way. So I felt like I'm not a seamstress, I'm a whole designer out here!"
Despite her disbelief, the cards were saying otherwise. There was the confirmation from her client Karleen Roy, who encouraged her to pursue alterations as a career. Then there were the angel numbers that began to appear, and that when researched indicated that she was about to walk into something new. And after driving by multiple alteration shops on her ride home one day, she could no longer ignore the signs. She finally surrendered to her calling. Shortly after, she landed her first major client, NBA player Kevin Garnett. "I had never made that much money even as a designer. Here I am trying to reject something God is telling me to do, but it actually blessed my life."
After two seasons of working with Garnett, Ellis knew it was time to take another leap of faith and leave her job at Macy's. She turned in a 60-day notice feeling confident about her future job stability, but just two days shy of leaving, she learned that her client was being moved to Los Angeles, and that her services were no longer needed. Thankfully, she had nearly $10,000 saved to help cushion the blow of losing a major client.
"I sat there and I was like, God, you've got to give me a bigger client to let me know that this is still what you're calling me to do," she says. "Because at this point I'm confused."
A few days after leaving her job, she landed Diddy as a new client. "I knew that was God telling me that was my confirmation."
"It's funny because [Diddy] circled back around this year," she continues. "His stylist hit me up one day and was like, 'Oh, I got your number from the Ritz Carlton.' And I was like I've never been to the Ritz Carlton. I don't know who has my number here, but again, it's not for me to know, I didn't even question it. And [Diddy] was also saying, 'I think you really should do this. There's not an African American woman that is on the forefront that really has a tailoring agency. You could be big with this.' He was the second person that put out that feeling of you could be the black Martha Stewart. You could have a whole situation going on here if you do this the right way."
The confirmations didn't end there. In fact, Ellis has an arsenal of stories that indicate that there's a divine calling over her life. There was the trip to ESSENCE Festival, in which she only agreed to go if the stars aligned— a few days later she was in New Orleans tailoring for Marsai Martin ("when you're supposed to go somewhere God will line all of that up."). There was also the BET Awards, in which she took a leap of faith by flying to Los Angeles a couple of weeks before the show with no jobs lined up, only to end up the lead person over one of the wardrobe trailers for the show. And shortly upon her return, she picked up a gig with Cardi B for her baby shower. If life was a movie, Ellis' story would be filled with plot twists.
Yet despite her success, she still finds it hard to embrace that she's working the job of her dreams. As an entrepreneur, a steady paycheck isn't always guaranteed, and when the flashy lights turn off, reality shines bright. "The world sees that you're doing all of these wonderful things, but your money still hasn't changed that much. But I can't not go do my job because the money is not all there; I've still got to keep moving forward. And I think for me it was hard to understand not attaching money to success because again, just from my own trauma that I had experienced, money made me feel validated, and so if I didn't have it, I didn't feel successful."
Trauma is often associated with physical experiences, but sometimes it's the words that are said— or unsaid— that dig the deepest roots. For Ellis, it started over two decades ago, when she was told her dream wouldn't pay the bills.
"I have a very loving family, but I didn't grow up in an environment that was encouraging," she says. "I didn't have the blueprint of you can be anything you want to be. It was like, 'You just need to get a job; that's not a real job.' So that was instilled in me practically my whole life. I feel like it's also crippled me a lot in my life now because I'm constantly trying to prove to myself that this is a job."
It's part of what has led to her idea of opening an alterations shop and starting a temporary agency under the Touched by Fhi umbrella in an effort to help other women of color gain exposure and opportunities in an industry that didn't easily open the doors for her to walk into. After all, she wouldn't be a legend if her legacy stopped with herself.
"The world sees that you're doing all of these wonderful things, but your money still hasn't changed that much. But I can't not go do my job because the money is not all there; I've still got to keep moving forward. And I think for me it was hard to understand not attaching money to success because again, just from my own trauma that I had experienced, money made me feel validated, and so if I didn't have it, I didn't feel successful."
Building a Legacy
As a high school graduate who was unable to afford the tuition at American International University in Atlanta, Ellis had picked up the curriculum from the Art Institute of Indianapolis, found a local sewing teacher, and alongside her godmother who was also a seamstress, taught herself how to sew. Where she lacked in formal education, she gained in experience, even if it meant taking unpaid gigs at different levels of success in her life, just to learn a new skill.
It's those same skills that she's hoping to pass down to generations after her. While she doesn't believe that everybody should know how to sew, she does believe that everyone should have the opportunity to learn. In the meantime, for those interested in getting into the industry, she recommends studying your craft, developing your knowledge on everything from sewing patterns to body types, and always looking for ways to improve your skills.
"You really need to go invest in yourself and really want to be the best at what you do," she says. "I don't even feel like you should touch it if you don't want to craft it in such a way that you operate in nothing but excellence."
One thing's for sure, we're witnessing the making of an icon living. The Elizabeth Keckley, Zelda Wynn Valdes, or maybe even Ann Lowe of this generation— true pioneers that altered and redefined what it means to be successful in fashion.
"Where I'm at now in my life is that I really just understand trusting the process. Everything that God has given you is not in vain. It's still a part of your story, but it might be a different chapter. You know what I mean?"
Featured image courtesy of Fhonia Ellis
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images