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How Designer Fhonia Ellis Went From Unpaid BET Intern To A Sought-After Tailor To The Stars
Pulling up in a lime green Jeep Wrangler Rubicon, Fhonia Ellis, all of 5'7", jumps out of the driver's side. She walks around to the back seat of the passenger side and pulls out a pair of white boots and slips them over black distressed jeans paired with a white "Queens Get SHIT Done" tee. She doesn't even curse— much.
"She Has Incredible Tenacity," she explains. "It's my t-shirt line. It's inspired by powerful women that I encounter and I'm inspired by every day. All of the shirts are centered around empowerment, freedom, and confidence."
I offer my help as she pulls out a garment bag, and I'm instructed to carry what I later find out is her sewing kit as we make our way inside a beautiful white bungalow-style home with black trim. Downstairs it's tastefully decorated with modern furniture— chic, but cozy. We clomp up wooden stairs that lead to a den and through a door that opens to a massive closet that would please even Carrie Bradshaw. Ellis drops off her kit and warmly greets her client, Dr. Jarrett ("Doc"), like an old friend.
"Some people when they get to a certain level you would think they'd move on," Doc says. "But she's very down to earth."
Ellis certainly has a roster to boast about. Her list of tailoring clientele includes the likes of Diddy, Missy Elliott, Cardi B, and Marsai Martin, just to name a few. An impressive Rolodex considering that she's only in her third year of full-time self-employment.
But not all success stories sing the same tune. Some start off in a low hum that, with each and every obstacle overcome, grows into a steady crescendo. For grit always comes before glory, and Ellis' story is one with a promising ending.
Becoming a Designer
Growing up Ellis didn't have visions of grandeur as a tailor. "I used to say in high school all the time, I'm going to be a designer," she says. "I didn't even know what a designer was, but I just knew that that's who I was going to be."
A first-generation designer and tailor, Ellis picked up a needle and thread at the age of 15, at first to add some flavor to her "Mom" jeans, which she'd cut up and cut out to reflect her unique style. As her passion for fashion evolved, so did her skill sets. Inspired by the bold and daring details of clothing designers like Betsy Johnson and the late Alexander McQueen, Ellis' own threads never failed to impress. Her custom creations caught the attention of NBA player Derek Anderson, who owned a clothing store and sought Ellis to design a line of jersey dresses for his clientele. "That's how I made money in high school. I was making jersey dresses for people and costumes. I made my prom dress. I would wear all of it."
As word got around town about her hand-stitched designs, the requests started flowing in and her waitlist grew a few months out. But there was one caveat— she didn't know how to use the sewing machine that her stepmom had gifted her. But as she would later learn, there was no problem that she couldn't stitch.
"I called [my friend] and was like, 'Hey, I think my machine is broke.' I didn't want to tell them I didn't know how to sew because at this point everybody thinks I know how to sew on a machine. So I was like, 'Hey girl, I think my needle broke but I don't know how to fix it. Do you think you can come and show me how to fix it?' And she was like, 'Oh girl, don't worry about it. I'll fix it for you.'"
A self-proclaimed visual learner, Ellis watched as her friend threaded the needle and worked the machine, which was all she needed to see to take over the reins. "As soon as she started out, I was like, 'Bingo! I got it.' And I took a Sharpie marker and highlighted it on my sewing machine— the way to thread it like one, two, three, four. Then I started [machine] sewing everything."
As a local socialite, Ellis hit the ground running— showing off her designs to anyone who would pay attention and often hosting pop-up fashion shows at nightclubs and bars around the city. "I always had a mentality of even if you don't let me in the door, you're going to have to see me eventually, and once you see me, you're going to come to me," she says. "You may not give me your money now, but eventually, you are going to want me because I'm going to make myself so marketable that it's going to be hard for you not to want to know who I am."
With a taste of success under her belt, Ellis' dream of being a world-renowned designer could no longer be confined to her small town in Louisville, Kentucky. She had a bigger vision for herself, which required a big move and bigger faith. With her eyes set on New York City, she cold-called the wardrobe department at BET and requested to send over her design portfolio for review. They didn't have opportunities for her at the time, but she kept in contact with the supervisor of the wardrobe department.
Nearly a year later, she landed an unpaid internship in the wardrobe department, which meant moving to a city where she had little money and no friends. "I remember my brother called and he was like, 'You need to figure it out because if you don't get out of here now, you're never going to leave.'"
"I always had a mentality of even if you don't let me in the door, you're going to have to see me eventually, and once you see me, you're going to come to me. You may not give me your money now, but eventually, you are going to want me because I'm going to make myself so marketable that it's going to be hard for you not to want to know who I am."
A Fearless Move
A girl from a small town with big dreams, New York City greeted Ellis with open arms and its infamous struggles. During the day she worked at BET as a fashion assistant, and after leaving work she'd transition to Starbucks to put in a few more hours of work on her designs, taking advantage of their free internet since she didn't have it at home. Eight months in, she felt that she was no longer growing at the media company, and knew soon she'd have to find something else. "It was a good position, but not a great position," she says in an interview with Blog Talk Radio.
Shortly into her time there, she got a call from her brother with devastating news. Her mother— who was battling cancer— wasn't doing well. Reluctantly, Ellis packed up her belongings and moved back to Kentucky. A few months later her mother passed, but not before leaving her a message. "She was like, 'I want you to know something. I want you to know that I'm proud of the woman that you became, not for everything that you've done.' And I know now that she was speaking to my future self, where I am now."
Her mother also predicted who her next celebrity client would be. "My mother used to watch BET Awards and she would be like, 'Oh, you're going to be there one year. My daughter's going to be a designer for Mary Mary.' And when my mother passed away, the next person I designed for was Erica Campbell."
Ellis continued building her design business in Louisville, despite dealing with the grief of losing her mother. During this time she would be a guest on 106 & Park showcasing the 2013 spring and summer collection of Rebirth, her clothing line launched in 2007 that caught the attention of celebrities like Trina and Diamond. She'd also lead sewing classes and host a motivational workshop entitled "The Life You Want To Live." Nearly three years later, she heard a voice nudging her to move again. "God told me that you have to get out of here because somebody's going to try to do something to you because they think that you have more than what you have. So you're going to have to go to a place that I'm going to show you."
With $1,200 to her name, she left home and traveled down the road to Atlanta. With no job lined up, she began visualizing what her next position would look like at the advice of a spiritual advisor. Wanting a break from the designer's life, she desired something without the stress and with more stability. "Literally Macy's came out of nowhere; they didn't even have my resume. [The manager] was like, 'Somebody's watching out for you.' And he hired me."
For the next three years, Ellis worked in visual merchandising while taking on new clients on the side. Though she had the urge to leave and pursue design full-time again, she felt in her spirit that she wasn't ready to take the leap into entrepreneurship due to her history of depression, PTSD and suicidal attempts. "God was basically saying mentally you're not strong enough to handle the highs and lows of entrepreneurship right now," she says. "I knew God was trying to protect my peace, and He was saying that you're not strong enough for the industry. You're still too emotional or very offended with things. You're going to shut down and this will break you."
Thanks to therapy and an invitation to the gym, she was able to start the process of healing. "I just was so tired of my own shit. I was so tired of being depressed and broken. I was like, I've got to try to save my life because if I don't, I'm afraid I'm not going to have one. The gym has kind of been my saving grace."
"I just was so tired of my own shit. I was so tired of being depressed and broken. I was like, I've got to try to save my life because if I don't, I'm afraid I'm not going to have one. The gym has kind of been my saving grace."
Finding Her Purpose
India Arie plays softly through the iPhone speaker as Ellis flips through her red alteration cards, reading the notes from her session with Doc, who's currently changing into another outfit. Thus far the client has decided to have a pair of plaid pants taken out ("they're a little too tight around the rear") and pair of floral pants taken in and hemmed up half an inch. She reappears in red sweatpants, awkwardly grabbing at the crotch that's been cut out and takes her position in front of the full-length mirror. Ellis crouches into position and does a duck-like walk around her legs, expertly pinning and outlining areas with fabric chalk for sewing later.
"You can tell she's very passionate about what she does, and I'm all about hanging around passionate people," Doc says. "I feed off of energy and she has a really great spirit, and you can just tell that she loves what she does."
Later in a Starbucks coffee shop, Ellis admits to me that having the right attitude was something she had to develop over time. "People don't like being around people they don't like, so if you want to keep the money rolling in you have to learn how to have a certain type of energy and a vibe."
She also admits that she's still getting used to accolades from clients, in part because this wasn't the career path she imagined for herself when she was designing clothes at 15.
While at Macy's, Ellis quickly learned that she didn't want to pursue a career in visual merchandising, and felt a strong calling towards alterations. There was only one problem— she had no desire to be a seamstress. "As designers sometimes we may look at people who say oh you're a seamstress as de-valuing in some way. So I felt like I'm not a seamstress, I'm a whole designer out here!"
Despite her disbelief, the cards were saying otherwise. There was the confirmation from her client Karleen Roy, who encouraged her to pursue alterations as a career. Then there were the angel numbers that began to appear, and that when researched indicated that she was about to walk into something new. And after driving by multiple alteration shops on her ride home one day, she could no longer ignore the signs. She finally surrendered to her calling. Shortly after, she landed her first major client, NBA player Kevin Garnett. "I had never made that much money even as a designer. Here I am trying to reject something God is telling me to do, but it actually blessed my life."
After two seasons of working with Garnett, Ellis knew it was time to take another leap of faith and leave her job at Macy's. She turned in a 60-day notice feeling confident about her future job stability, but just two days shy of leaving, she learned that her client was being moved to Los Angeles, and that her services were no longer needed. Thankfully, she had nearly $10,000 saved to help cushion the blow of losing a major client.
"I sat there and I was like, God, you've got to give me a bigger client to let me know that this is still what you're calling me to do," she says. "Because at this point I'm confused."
A few days after leaving her job, she landed Diddy as a new client. "I knew that was God telling me that was my confirmation."
"It's funny because [Diddy] circled back around this year," she continues. "His stylist hit me up one day and was like, 'Oh, I got your number from the Ritz Carlton.' And I was like I've never been to the Ritz Carlton. I don't know who has my number here, but again, it's not for me to know, I didn't even question it. And [Diddy] was also saying, 'I think you really should do this. There's not an African American woman that is on the forefront that really has a tailoring agency. You could be big with this.' He was the second person that put out that feeling of you could be the black Martha Stewart. You could have a whole situation going on here if you do this the right way."
The confirmations didn't end there. In fact, Ellis has an arsenal of stories that indicate that there's a divine calling over her life. There was the trip to ESSENCE Festival, in which she only agreed to go if the stars aligned— a few days later she was in New Orleans tailoring for Marsai Martin ("when you're supposed to go somewhere God will line all of that up."). There was also the BET Awards, in which she took a leap of faith by flying to Los Angeles a couple of weeks before the show with no jobs lined up, only to end up the lead person over one of the wardrobe trailers for the show. And shortly upon her return, she picked up a gig with Cardi B for her baby shower. If life was a movie, Ellis' story would be filled with plot twists.
Yet despite her success, she still finds it hard to embrace that she's working the job of her dreams. As an entrepreneur, a steady paycheck isn't always guaranteed, and when the flashy lights turn off, reality shines bright. "The world sees that you're doing all of these wonderful things, but your money still hasn't changed that much. But I can't not go do my job because the money is not all there; I've still got to keep moving forward. And I think for me it was hard to understand not attaching money to success because again, just from my own trauma that I had experienced, money made me feel validated, and so if I didn't have it, I didn't feel successful."
Trauma is often associated with physical experiences, but sometimes it's the words that are said— or unsaid— that dig the deepest roots. For Ellis, it started over two decades ago, when she was told her dream wouldn't pay the bills.
"I have a very loving family, but I didn't grow up in an environment that was encouraging," she says. "I didn't have the blueprint of you can be anything you want to be. It was like, 'You just need to get a job; that's not a real job.' So that was instilled in me practically my whole life. I feel like it's also crippled me a lot in my life now because I'm constantly trying to prove to myself that this is a job."
It's part of what has led to her idea of opening an alterations shop and starting a temporary agency under the Touched by Fhi umbrella in an effort to help other women of color gain exposure and opportunities in an industry that didn't easily open the doors for her to walk into. After all, she wouldn't be a legend if her legacy stopped with herself.
"The world sees that you're doing all of these wonderful things, but your money still hasn't changed that much. But I can't not go do my job because the money is not all there; I've still got to keep moving forward. And I think for me it was hard to understand not attaching money to success because again, just from my own trauma that I had experienced, money made me feel validated, and so if I didn't have it, I didn't feel successful."
Building a Legacy
As a high school graduate who was unable to afford the tuition at American International University in Atlanta, Ellis had picked up the curriculum from the Art Institute of Indianapolis, found a local sewing teacher, and alongside her godmother who was also a seamstress, taught herself how to sew. Where she lacked in formal education, she gained in experience, even if it meant taking unpaid gigs at different levels of success in her life, just to learn a new skill.
It's those same skills that she's hoping to pass down to generations after her. While she doesn't believe that everybody should know how to sew, she does believe that everyone should have the opportunity to learn. In the meantime, for those interested in getting into the industry, she recommends studying your craft, developing your knowledge on everything from sewing patterns to body types, and always looking for ways to improve your skills.
"You really need to go invest in yourself and really want to be the best at what you do," she says. "I don't even feel like you should touch it if you don't want to craft it in such a way that you operate in nothing but excellence."
One thing's for sure, we're witnessing the making of an icon living. The Elizabeth Keckley, Zelda Wynn Valdes, or maybe even Ann Lowe of this generation— true pioneers that altered and redefined what it means to be successful in fashion.
"Where I'm at now in my life is that I really just understand trusting the process. Everything that God has given you is not in vain. It's still a part of your story, but it might be a different chapter. You know what I mean?"
Featured image courtesy of Fhonia Ellis
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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