Denzel Washington Shares The Secret To His & Pauletta's 35-Year Marriage
Marriage is not a task for the weak-hearted or the selfish. I recently saw an interview where Eartha Kitt laughed at the concept of compromise when it came to the love of a man. It is true that you should never compromise in regards to your dreams and vision for you future, but to create a bond that lasts, you must be become familiar with sacrifice, just ask Denzel Washington.
He's been the Equalizer, the American Gangster, and the Manchurian Candidate on the big screen, but in his real life, he plays a different role: The Husband.
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The multi-talented actor recently sat down with People to reveal how he and his wife, Pauletta, have kept their marriage alive for 35 years and counting. It goes without saying that his first tip on maintaining longevity in a relationship should be etched into every man's eyelids across the globe:
"I do what I'm told. I keep my mouth shut."
Because of this gem, their consistent faith in God, and a long list of sacrifices on both ends, Denzel and Pauletta have one of the longest lasting relationships in Black Hollywood. The two were married in 1983 and have since raised four kids, survived vicious tabloid rumors, and are still going strong. In 2014, Denzel said:
"I don't know if it's show business that has a monopoly on divorce, it's just that you hear about it. I just think that you have to work at it. Not give up on each other. It's a commitment. It's not all the honeymoon, it doesn't last forever, so you work at it. And hopefully you're good friends first, that might help!"
Pauletta said that although her being married to a man who was a worldwide sex symbol was a challenge initially, but love always prevails. Denzel gives all the credit to Pauletta for setting a foundation for their family, and uses every chance he gets to dote on her. In an interview with TD Jakes, he said that he gives her all the credit for his beautiful family.
"She has done the heavy lifting. She has been the consistent one. She has given the daily religious instruction. She was the one taking them to school, while I was out providing."
When People recently asked him what he appreciated most about his wife, he said:
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"There's too many things! What pops into my head: security, food, a beautiful home."
The Five Heartbeats taught me that a heart is a house full of love. But I've learned that it don't take much to break. A house and a home are two completely different things, and Denzel made sure to explain the difference to People:
"The difference between a house and a home, it's a big difference. You can buy a house, but that doesn't make it a home – and not to say a man can't make a home a home, but my wife has made our house a home, and raised these beautiful kids [John David, 33, Katia, 30, twins Olivia and Malcolm, 27] and protected them and sacrificed for them, she did the heavy-lifting."
Their 35-year marriage was built on a foundation of faith and sacrifice. Although things haven't always been easy, they have pushed through to create a life and love that they could be proud of.
I am still searching for my own Denzel, preferably one that resembles his character from Training Day. So, if you see him, let him know I'm willing to sacrifice it all.
Featured image by Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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