Ask Ayana Iman: I’m Dating An Older Man / I Might Be Pregnant By My Ex
Dear Ayana Iman: I am 33 years old and I'm dating a 63-year-old man. He's absolutely amazing and treats my son and I extremely well. He's everything I've prayed for besides being old enough to be my grandfather. I have never felt weird about it until he invited me to meet his family for the holidays. Should I feel weird?
I understand the sudden fear surrounding meeting his family for the holidays. It's something we all experience when meeting the people closest to the person we're dating. Is your only concern the age difference? Unless your man had a child at 15 and that child had a baby around the same age, he would not be old enough to be your grandfather. Father, maybe. But that's irrelevant.
The fact is you really care for this man. Despite the age difference, you've developed a meaningful, healthy relationship with someone who recognizes your worth. Also, his commitment to you includes your child, and rightfully so. You said it yourself, "He's everything you've prayed for in a man."
Let's be clear, you knew his age when you started dating him. Has it affected your sex life? Is he stubborn and stuck in his ways? Was seasoned bae supposed to just be a fling? If the answers are no, then what's the problem? You're going to have to confront this fear if you want to continue this relationship. I can only assume that the age difference has been discussed, but it may be worth expressing your current feelings to him to help ease your anxiety.
A lack of confidence in your connection can erode your relationship.
From my perspective, no man is going to bring you around his family, unless he's really into you. Put on your favorite dress and your best heels, and brush up on your playing spades skills. Also, prepare a homemade dish to bring, while staying away from potato salad and mac and cheese, unless you know what you're doing. Happy holidays!
Dear Ayana Iman: My ex and I are still great friends. For the past few years, we've been intimate while he's been in a relationship with someone else. I've expressed how I felt on many occasions but he hasn't reciprocated those feelings. Now, I may be pregnant by him again (we lost our first child a few years back), and I'm struggling with my next move. We've decided to keep the baby, but honestly, if we're not going forward being together, I don't know if that's the best decision.
You aren't great friends with your ex. If you were knowing of his relationship and were intimate with him, then you are a side chick. This is an unhealthy situation. You have given him permission to have all of you but only a piece of him. He hasn't reciprocated the feelings you have because he is clear of the position you play, which is why you cannot continue to give your power away.
Are you pregnant or not? You can't decide to keep a baby that may not exist. Go to your nearest drug store and take a pregnancy test. Going to a health clinic is the best option, as they can confirm and assess how far along you are. Also, take an STD test. He is not just having unprotected sex with you. Don't take a moment longer to handle your business.
I cannot tell you if keeping the baby is a good decision or not. That is a personal choice. I will, however, encourage you to make the decision in your best interest. Can you handle being a single parent, and are you prepared to go it alone? I can't speak for his intentions, but understanding the seriousness of the situation is important because this is a lifelong commitment. He has already demonstrated that he does not share the same sentiments as you.
Please see a therapist. There is a lot to unpack, possibly all stemming from the loss of a child with your ex. I know it hurts, but the pain is a sign that you have a pulse. You have to keep living. Find it in yourself to recognize your role in this situation, and then, forgiveness.
The love you are seeking from him starts and ends with you.
With gratitude,
Ayana Iman xx
Featured image by Shutterstock
Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Spring Events To Boost Your Professional And Social Networks
When spring arrives, we all want to be outside, looking fabulous, and back to socializing. And now is the perfect time to add a few great events to your calendar to get you through the quarter in order to make new friends, build new partnerships, and talk new opportunities to level up.
Spring is a high season for networking and social events for Black women, with many organizations and event entrepreneurs booking prime locations and offering dynamic experiences that you can maximize in whatever way possible. Write down your goals, and get out there. Start with a few of these events between now and the start of summer:
New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival, April 23 - May 3
The New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival is a 10-day event held over two weekends, bringing together thousands of musicians, craftspeople, and food lovers to share in common threads of culture in the heart of New Orleans. You'll get to enjoy works by artisans local to Louisiana as well as from across the U.S. and around the world.
Black Food Truck Festival, April 26-28
Hosted in Charleston, S.C., the Black Food Truck Festival includes an opening party, access to more than two dozen food truck vendors, and a time to workout with other attendees. Charleston has long been known as a Southern foodie destination, with global recognition due to James Beard-awarded chefs heading popular restaurants there and a renewed focus on Gullah and Geechee culture and food in the region. And what better conversation ice-breaker than to talk about food with a new acquaintance?
Black Women's Mental Health Conference, May 4
Hosted by New York University, this is a one-day event to tackle issues of mental wellness and health that uniquely affect Black women and girls. The keynote speaker for this year is Kim Young, MSW, LCSW, founder of Dope Black Social Worker® and host of the podcast Revolutionary Hoodrat, and leading licensed professionals in the field will offer their insights and share their experiences. And, of course, no college-led event is without time blocked specifically for networking.
Strength of a Woman Festival, May 11-12
Anything with Mary J. Blige headlining or leading is a win, especially if we're talking about women's empowerment and enjoyment. This event will be held in New York City, and beyond the performances from some of our favorites like Muni Long, Jill Scott, and The Clark Sisters, there will be a Gospel Brunch. And even if you're not able to attend or concerts aren't your thing, just being in the city during that time will mean you're bound to run into plenty of other women to network with at local bars and restaurants nearby.
Carefree Black Girl Cookout, May 4
Held in the Queen City, Charlotte, N.C., this is a day festival amplifying the voices and brands of Black women entrepreneurs, artists, and creatives. There will be vendors, glam and beauty bars, and complimentary meals for the first hour (according to the platform's website). They're hosting another cookout in Philadelphia on May 25.
Black Women Leading Live, May 13-16
Touted as an “intimate retreat + conference,” this Virginia Beach, VA event will be held on a resort and is offering a professional development experience led by Laura Knights, founder of the Black Woman Leading® program and podcast. It’s an ideal fit if you’re a mid-level or senior professional, as the topics and approach are set to cater to those levels of career experience, with coaches and speakers pouring into attendees with a holistic approach.
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