Dear Ayana Iman: I am 33 years old and I'm dating a 63-year-old man. He's absolutely amazing and treats my son and I extremely well. He's everything I've prayed for besides being old enough to be my grandfather. I have never felt weird about it until he invited me to meet his family for the holidays. Should I feel weird?
I understand the sudden fear surrounding meeting his family for the holidays. It's something we all experience when meeting the people closest to the person we're dating. Is your only concern the age difference? Unless your man had a child at 15 and that child had a baby around the same age, he would not be old enough to be your grandfather. Father, maybe. But that's irrelevant.
The fact is you really care for this man. Despite the age difference, you've developed a meaningful, healthy relationship with someone who recognizes your worth. Also, his commitment to you includes your child, rightfully so. You said it yourself, "He's everything you've prayed for in a man."
Let's be clear, you knew his age when you started dating him. Has it affected your sex life? Is he stubborn and stuck in his ways? Was seasoned bae supposed to just be a fling? If the answers are no, then what's the problem? You're going to have to confront this fear if you want to continue this relationship. I can only assume that the age difference has been discussed, but it may be worth expressing your current feelings to him to help ease your anxiety.
A lack of confidence in your connection can erode your relationship.
From my perspective, no man is going to bring you around his family, unless he's really into you. Put on your favorite dress and your best heels, and brush up on your playing spades skills. Also, prepare a homemade dish to bring, while staying away from potato salad and mac and cheese, unless you know what you're doing. Happy Holidays!
Dear Ayana Iman: My ex and I are still great friends. For the past few years, we've been intimate while he's been in a relationship with someone else. I've expressed how I felt on many occasions but he hasn't reciprocated those feelings. Now, I may be pregnant by him again (we lost our first child a few years back), and I'm struggling with my next move. We've decided to keep the baby, but honestly, if we're not going forward being together, I don't know if that's the best decision.
You aren't great friends with your ex. If you were knowing of his relationship and were intimate with him, then you are a side chick. This is an unhealthy situation. You have given him permission to have all of you but only a piece of him. He hasn't reciprocated the feelings you have because he is clear of the position you play, which is why you cannot continue to give your power away.
Are you pregnant or not? You can't decide to keep a baby that may not exist. Go to your nearest drug store and take a pregnancy test. Going to a health clinic is the best option, as they can confirm and assess how far along you are. Also, take an STD test. He is not just having unprotected sex with you. Don't take a moment longer to handle your business.
I cannot tell you if keeping the baby is a good decision or not. That is a personal choice. I will, however, encourage you to make the decision in your best interest. Can you handle being a single parent, and are you prepared to go it alone? I can't speak for his intentions, but understanding the seriousness of the situation is important because this is a lifelong commitment. He has already demonstrated that he does not share the same sentiments as you.
Please see a therapist. There is a lot to unpack, possibly all stemming from the loss of a child with your ex. I know it hurts, but the pain is a sign that you have a pulse. You have to keep living. Find it in yourself to recognize your role in this situation, and then, forgiveness.
The love you are seeking from him starts and ends with you.
Ayana Iman xx
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