Five months into 2022 and already it feels like it has been a year. New levels come with new devils (new stresses) and though we are proud of our accomplishments in the year so far, as a team, to say we aren't in need of a vacay is an understatement. A part of recovery from burnout includes being intentional about how we approach our self-care practices. With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, the xoNecole team decided to put better mental health into practice. And what better way to prioritize our mental health and manage our stress levels than through the use of CBD products?
The first Black woman-owned CBD brand that came to mind was Brown Girl Jane. CBD is the non-psychoactive 'cousin' of THC known for its more medicinal properties. When infused in products like oils, water, and gummies, CBD is used to provide relief to those experiencing health conditions like anxiety, stress, inflammation, depression, migraines, and even chronic pain. With product offerings like Balance Wellness Drops, CBD Gelées, and Rest Wellness Drops, Brown Girl Jane is taking up space as beauty and wellness innovators tapping into the power of CBD.
BGJ has a wide variety of products, both edible and topical, and we at xoNecole were all very excited to try them all. Here's what each team member had to say about their experience with Brown Girl Jane's CBD products:
Brown Girl Jane's Aromatic Body Oil
Courtesy of Kyra Jay
"First of all, it's the aesthetics for me. I love the cute packaging and the gold text on this bottle is giving luxury! Roses to all responsible. I have very dry skin so I usually use oil over lotion on areas of my body like my heels, toes, elbows, and fingers. So, I was looking forward to trying this one out.
"There was little to no scent at all which kind of disappointed me as someone who enjoys smelling things but I can see how this is would be a plus for someone who is sensitive to strong fragrances. That definitely doesn't take away from its quality. It left me glistening, as it should, and if there was a travel-sized version I would carry it everywhere I go. Hint. hint."
-Kyra Jay, Brand and Social Manager
Brown Girl Jane's CBD Gelées - Anti-Stress
Courtesy of Kyra Jay
"I've always been very interested in trying these after seeing so many people say that CBD gummies really helped with their anxiety. Living with an anxiety disorder and knowing there's something that can possibly help was comforting. I tried the strawberry rose flavor and I loved how tasty it was at the beginning, masking the taste of the plant initially.
"It definitely made me feel calm and eventually sleepy. I wasn't very stressed or anxious at the times I took them so I'm curious to see how clutch they will be mid- or post-anxiety attack."
- Kyra Jay, Brand and Social Manager
Brown Girl Jane's Heal Body Butter
Courtesy of Tyeal Howell
"So since becoming a mom I’m always looking for different products to add into my evening routine to really help me wind down for the night and get the best sleep possible. It’s sometimes so challenging for me to turn my mind off and allow my body to relax and release the day. The past three days, I have added some Brown Girl Jane products into my evening routine and they’ve been a complete game-changer.
"I’ve been using the Brown Girl Jane Heal Body Butter. I have been putting it on my lower back, my neck, shoulders, and my feet, and it has been so relaxing. I honestly almost feel my body relaxing and the effects of the CBD on my sore muscles and my tense areas instantly. I’m obsessed and I will continue to add this as a staple in my evening routine, for sure."
- Tyeal Howell, Special Projects + Client Services
Brown Girl Jane's Glow Luminous Facial Serum
Courtesy of Tyeal Howell
"I’ve also added the Brown Girl Jane Glow Facial Serum into my evening skin care routine and I loved it as well. I think I probably used a little too much the first time but the second night that I tried it I used a little bit less and it still felt so good. The combination of both of these products into my evening routine has really allowed me to relax and just take a deep breath and ease into my night.
"I’ve been using both of these products right before reading my book and laying in my bed and they’ve been just really relaxing. I love them both. If you’re looking for some nice CBD products to add to your evening routine, I highly suggest the Brown Girl Jane products. They’ve been a game-changer for me."
- Tyeal Howell, Special Projects + Client Services
Brown Girl Jane's Rest Wellness Drops
Brown Girl Jane
"If you’re anything like me, the word 'rest' is typically one of those mythical moments you hear about but rarely achieve or witness every single day. There’s life, there’s stress and there’s the Big 'A' wearing its scarlet letter loud and proud: anxiety. Between those three culprits, finding organic and consistent rest for me, as of late, has been like a modern game of musical chairs. I’ve tried it all…melatonin, sleep aids and even working out before bed. I might've landed on one for a while, but none of it gave me the rest I was looking for nor the aftermath of a truly great night’s sleep (you know the rest I’m talking about - when you wake up refreshed, energized, and barely know what day it is).
"For me, an ally and advocate of cannabis, I was hella intrigued to discover if Brown Girl Jane’s Rest Wellness Drops would end up a nighttime staple or just next to the staples in the bottom of my nightstand drawer. Before I hopped in the shower I took one dropper-full and placed it under my tongue; I let it sit there for 30 seconds before swallowing and proceeding with my normal nighttime routine. Shower, facial, lotion, brush my teeth, and spray my melatonin spray on my pillowcase. By the time I’d crawled into bed, I felt relaxed, at ease, and at peace. My mind wasn’t racing as it normally does before bed, it was rather in a state of subtle euphoria.
"Just to make sure I wasn’t experiencing a fluke, I continued trying the drops for a week and each time, I found myself reaching for the drops as part of my nighttime wellness routine. The beautiful part? I don’t feel addicted to them, I feel aligned with them. I’m so impressed with the experience that I’ve texted just about every friend of mine and raved about finally witnessing the mythical 'rest' moment firsthand. 'Girl, you won’t believe the sleep I had last night.' Because every woman should experience six things in life: love, great orgasms, God, happiness, luxury, and rest…lots of rest."
- Ebonee Thompson, Social Media Manager
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 420 Breakdown: 5 Health Benefits And 5 Challenges Of Cannabis ... ›
- Enter The Magical World Of CBD Oil - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- 5 Black-Owned CBD Brands To Add To Your Self-Care Routine ... ›
- Gift Guide: Hemp & CBD Products - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Brown Girl Jane Founders On How They Built Their Brand ... ›
That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”
GiphyI can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your Past
GiphyThere is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual Needs
GiphyQuestion — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual Needs
GiphyA husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” Approach
GiphyLazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping Mechanism
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking It
GiphyI will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
