As much as I talk about sex, this is a topic that I was excited to shed a spotlight on. Why? It’s simple, really. Despite how sexed — and sometimes it really does seem oversexed — that our culture and society may be, virgins are not extinct. Believe it or not, it’s been reported that around 27 percent of guys are still virgins when they first step foot on a college campus (as a freshman) and, globally, approximately 38 percent of people between the ages of 18-24 are still virgins too. And even though it’s not a ton of ‘em, there are still some virgins who are over 40 (I personally know three, although they declined to be interviewed for this article).
And even though it really does seem like, over the past 50-60 years or so, virginity has been looked at as something that should be ridiculed, side-eyed, or even flat-out dismissed, I don’t feel that way at all. Fourteen sex partners and many lessons later, I actually get that there are many perks that come with waiting. Not only that, but I’ve encountered enough virgins in my time to get that, like most things in life, virginity is not a monolith, there are tons of reasons why people choose not to have sex until later in life and, if there’s one thing that you can’t really “do over” (because no, there is no such thing as a “born-again virgin.” You lose your virginity ONCE) is “losing” your virginity (I prefer to say “giving.” You know where it is)— being careful and even uber-cautious about how and when your first time goes down is something that I very much so respect.
You don’t have to take my word for it, though. As someone who gave my “conscious virginity” (I am a survivor of molestation, which is why I put it that way) at 19, I wanted to hear from women of that age and older who still haven’t “partaken of the fruit” just yet. First, to give their journey a voice and second, to remind others who may not be so vocal about their own virginal sexual status that, no matter what social media may be yapping about, when it comes to the topic of virginity, they are certainly not alone — and there is definitely nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.
*Per usual, when it comes to these types of interviews that I conduct, middle names have been used.*
GiphyLynn. 27.
“It’s not like I planned to be this age and still a virgin. When I was in high school, I thought I would be married by now. I’m not, and that’s why I’m still a virgin. Does this mean I’m waiting until marriage? I am. I don’t see the point in giving some man my all without that level of commitment. I personally admire women who can because I don’t have the emotional strength or mental stamina to go through that kind of stress or pain — especially multiple times. I just think there is already enough to worry about in life than if I’m gonna get an STD, get pregnant by someone I don’t want to deal with for the rest of my life, or even if some man is going to call the next day.
"And before y’all even start — yes, I know that marriage comes with risks too. But if a man is willing to pledge his life to me and sign a legal contract to prove it just to get some, I’d rather go that route than some dude I met at a club or a guy who I dated for a couple of months, and it didn’t work out. To each their own, and this is the way that I choose to do it.”
Eileen. 22.
“I’ve always been called an old soul. I don’t think that 22 is old, but it is old, these days, to be a virgin. Some people assume that I’m one for religious reasons. Really, it’s because I’m observant, and my sisters and friends who already gave it up usually had more drama in their lives than anything. I just want my first time to be with someone who, when I look back on it, I don’t have regrets. I’m not looking for the perfect guy, but damn, can he at least not ghost me, give me an orgasm, and keep the moment to himself instead of telling all of his boys? I don’t think that’s too much to ask — and if it is…oh well.”
GiphyIris. 21.
“The question I get asked all of the time is if I’m saving it for marriage. I am. I used to say that I was waiting until I got engaged or at least fell in love, but I have friends who did that, and months after they had sex, the guys were gone. I know that marriage doesn’t guarantee anything, but I have some other friends who were virgins on their wedding night, and their lives just seem to be less intense.
“Not having sex has shown the true colors and real agendas of a lot of guys, so while it does get lonely, being this way makes it easier to see who is serious about a relationship and who just wants to get their d — k wet. Virginity can be the ultimate male marriage material predictor. At least it’s been that way for me.”
Kya. 20.
“I almost gave it up to my first love, and ‘he’ didn’t happen until college. The break-up damn near turned me into a basket case, so that proved to me that I’m not really for a sexual relationship. I think the best way to explain it is, until I know that I can emotionally handle giving myself to someone and it possibly not working out, I need to stay just where I’m at…and I’m just not there yet.”
GiphyRuth. 19.
“The timing of this is crazy because I almost lost my virginity last weekend. It’s a long story, but I was going to give it to a guy friend because I want my first time to be with someone who I trust. We didn’t go through with it because he said that he didn’t want to chance me regretting it and it ruining our friendship. I think it’s interesting that it seems that men value a woman’s virginity more than women do these days. Anyway, all I know is it won’t be just some random guy. If I don’t trust you with my heart, you will never be able to have my body. My standard will definitely be someone who was my friend first.”
Sherelle. 27.
“I’ve been too busy to give up my virginity. Sounds crazy, but it’s still the truth. I’ve always been very career-driven, so after getting my master’s, I decided to do a lot of traveling and then buy a home. It’s probably been over the past few months that my sexual status has even crossed my mind because dating just hasn’t been a priority.
“I guess you can say that having a full life is why I’m a virgin. When I can fit a man into my schedule, and I find him just as stimulating as what I currently have going on, I can almost assure you that my sexual status will change. Until then…stamps on the passport are my orgasms.”
GiphyVada. 23.
“I’ve had plenty of oral sex — not giving, receiving. Some people say that, technically, I’m not a virgin anymore, but I guess I’ll speak for the women who fall into my special situation. The reason why I’ve never gone down on a guy is because I want that to be reserved for the one [who] I first have intercourse with. The reason why several have gone down on me? You know how guys are — they see virginity as a challenge and will go the distance to be the first. If they wanna try, who am I to stop them?
"As far as what I’m waiting on…I don’t really see it as ‘waiting.' I am open to it. I just haven’t been with someone who seems like he is who I should give it to. I think that the guy who never brings sex up will probably be the one who piques my interest. I’m already a challenge. I think I’m looking for someone who is one, too.”
Aleena. 19.
“I’m a virgin because I’m focused. There are too many women at my school who are so distracted because of what some guy is doing or didn’t do — and I don’t have the time. I want to be able to have my master’s degree before my 23rd birthday, and I’m on the way to making that happen. I haven’t told anyone this, but the present I want to give myself is losing my virginity for graduation. I think an orgasm for all of my hard work makes sense. I know who I want the guy to be, too. He doesn’t know. Hope he doesn’t blow it. I’ll try to keep you posted.”
GiphyPayge. 31.
“All of the holy books value virginity, and that’s why you will never be able to convince me that there is not a serious spiritual breakdown in our society. What used to be respected is now a so-called social construct, and to me, that sounds like so many people are so hyper-sexed with no real reason or purpose that they want to take the ‘misery loves company’ approach — that because they weren’t taught to value virtue and virginity, they want as many other people as possible to follow suit. That will never be me. Until I meet the man who is deserving of being the first and only to enter into my body and spirit, I will remain a virgin and very proud of it.”
Ella. 36.
“I honestly don’t know why I’m still a virgin. Remember how you told me [Shellie] that after the first couple of years of abstinence, you got pickier and pickier? That’s the way I’ve been all of my life. I’m sure that sex is amazing, but it’s also complicated, physically kind of messy, and exposes you to a world of stuff that you don’t have to think about when you’re a virgin. I’m not scared to have sex, but I’m not in a rush. Look at me — I’m sure I’ll open these legs up one day, but I’m not checking off the calendar or anything. When I have room to explore the good and bad of sex, I’ll be more aggressive about it.”
____
There you have it — proof that there are at least ten virgins on the planet who aren’t still in high school. And what I like about each of them is there is both a confidence and focus outside of their sexual status that serves as a great reminder that sex is a part of who we are yet…it’s certainly not everything. And you know what? It never was designed to be.
So yes, kudos to them for having a personal type of conviction, for whatever the reason, and standing by it.
Virgins or not, it’s a reminder that we all should be firm in our standards about…something.
Amen? 1000 percent.
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Featured image by Giphy
- Yes, Yvonne Orji Is Still Saving Herself For Marriage, But Hopes This Year Will Be The Last ›
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- Tamera Mowry-Housley Says Waiting Until 29 To Lose Her Virginity Leveled Up Her Sex Life As A Wife ›
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Venus moves into Scorpio on December 4, and Venus in Scorpio makes love more intimate, passionate, and intense. Venus will be in Scorpio until December 29, and it’s about overcoming fears in love, allowing more intimacy and connection with one another, and not being afraid to take some risks if it means following your heart and giving your emotions a voice. Neptune goes direct in Pisces on December 6, after being retrograde since June, and this will allow emotions, creative ventures, and spirituality to become clearer and easier to grasp for the collective.
Neptune in Pisces brings emotions to the surface, and it also brings things into perspective, especially how important having faith in yourself is.
What December 2023 Has In Store For Your Zodiac
On December 12, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius aligning with the sun, and this New Moon is an expansive, fortunate, and inspiring one. This is a good time of the month to set your intentions for your future, to think big, and to go big. The following day, on December 13, Mercury officially goes retrograde in Capricorn, and this is the last Mercury retrograde of the year. This Mercury retrograde is about taking things slow, not rushing your process, and focusing on where you want to build for yourself financially. Mercury will be Retrograde in Capricorn until December 23, when it finishes its retrograde motion in Sagittarius until January 1, 2024. Mercury retrograde in Sag for a week is allowing you to see the full picture.
Capricorn season begins on December 21, and this is the type of stable and grounding energy we need as the year comes to a close. On December 26, there is a Full Moon in Cancer, and finding your balance between love and practicality is needed.
This Full Moon is the Cold Moon of the year, and emotions are high as renewal and reflection come into play as the year ends. Before the end of the month, both Chiron and Jupiter go direct, allowing spontaneity, abundance, healing, and opportunity to take place. This year has been heavy, and by the end of December, there is a chance to take a deep breath of relief.
ARIES
This month is all about your healing journey, Aries. You have been through significant ups and downs this year, and it’s all coming together to create a fresh start for you. Your wisdom has grown, your mind has seen what it needed to see, and you are ready to use what you now know to move forward. The New Moon happening this month will be in your 9th house of the mind, and mid-December is a good time to plant the seeds for where you want to illuminate your mind.
Mercury goes retrograde this month, and for you, this retrograde will be occurring in an area of your chart having to do with your career. With Mercury retro here, it’s best to use the rest of the year to rest, gain clarity, and take your wins with the losses. The most significant transit for you happening this month is Chrion going direct in your sign on December 26, after being retrograde since July of this year. Now that Chiron is direct in Aries, your healing, your wounds, and your growth are finally getting the recognition and support they need.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is a month of tapping into your inner abundance, Taurus. This is a fortuitous month for you, and some pleasant surprises and developments are in store for you. Financially, you are seeing previous plans and efforts come to fruition, and your financial status is developing. With Venus entering Scorpio at the beginning of the month and entering your 7th house of love, you are not only benefiting financially this month, but your relationships and love life are also experiencing a boost of positive energy thanks to Venus.
With Mercury going retrograde in an area of your chart having to do with travel, the higher mind, and adventure, December is not the best month for travel plans, and it’s best to stick to your safe places as the year comes to a close. The good news, however, is that Jupiter goes direct in your sign on Dec. 30, after being in retrograde for the past three months. With Jupiter, the planet of blessings, now direct and in your sign until May 2024, you are moving into some of the luckiest months in your life in over a decade.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
This month is all about balance and living in harmony, Gemini. You are flowing well with the energy of the month, and there is a lot to be grateful for and a lot of people who are grateful for you. This is a powerful month for manifesting your dreams, and you are exactly where you need to be right now. Although Mercury, your ruling planet, will be going retrograde this month, it’s happening in an area of your chart that is allowing you to heal and move on for good on things that have been feeling restrictive and limiting for you. You are finding your power.
The New Moon of the month is happening on Dec. 12, and it’s occurring in your sister sign, Sagittarius. With a New Moon in your opposite sign, it’s hitting close to home when it comes to your love life, and you are seeing new beginnings romantically this month. On Dec. 26, the Full Moon comes to fruition, and this Full Moon is closing a chapter when it comes to your financial world, and you are getting a return on the investments you have been making this year.
Overall, December is a month of giving and receiving freely, and finding your synergy through the life changes you are moving through.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is all about your vision, Cancer. You are feeling inspired this month, and are meeting the universe halfway. You have been putting the pieces of the puzzle together in your life, and are finding that one good thing is leading into another. With Venus moving into your 5th house of happiness and romance at the beginning of the month, you have this good energy with you throughout December. This is free-spirit energy that you are tapping into this month, and you are taking some brave steps forward.
On Dec. 13, Mercury goes retrograde in your opposite sign, Capricorn, and your relationships are the focus right now. This isn’t the best time to start a new relationship, but it is a good time to go over your strengths and weaknesses in love, and where you can tap into more of your inner power here. The Full Moon of the month will be in your sign on Dec. 26, and this is the Cold Moon of the year. The end of December for you is about letting go and releasing the weight that has been on your shoulders so that you can move forward into the abundance that awaits next year with more freedom.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
This is a passionate and exciting month for you, Leo. Although you are starting anew in many ways this month, you still need some time to think things through and come up with the best plan for yourself. With Mercury going retrograde in your 6th house this month, taking care of your mind, body, and soul is key to getting through the rest of this year, and health matters should be taken more seriously right now. Overall, however, your creativity is inspiring, and you are focused on where your passions are right now.
The Full Moon happening at the end of the month is occurring in your 12th house of closure and healing, and you are leaving the year in quiet contemplation. Endings are presenting themselves, but don’t get so caught up in what’s leaving your life that you miss what is entering. As December ends, Chiron goes direct in Aries, and this is good news for your travel plans, for checking off things on your bucket list, and for pursuing interests of the mind.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
Happy outcomes are in store for you as the year comes to a close, Virgo. This year has been a full circle moment for you, and through the growth and change that has taken place, you find yourself now in a better position than when you began the year. December is all about claiming your peace and your power, and about living in your happiness. The month begins with Venus moving into your 3rd house of communication, and this is a good month to get the recognition and reinforcements that you have been looking for, and for having life-changing conversations with others.
Neptune goes direct in your 7th house of love on Dec. 6, after being retrograde here since June of this year, and your relationships become clearer to you now. Neptune in the 7th house makes love dreamy and allows you to explore the magic in your love life altogether. Your ruling planet, Mercury, goes retrograde on the 13th and will be retrograde in another love area of your chart. For you, this means defining and redefining your sense of happiness and love until it fits into who you are and where you see yourself.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is all about trusting your instincts, Libra. If something feels off - it probably is. Remember that this month, as you open new doors and close old ones, and focus on your intentions right now. This month may feel longer to you than it is, as you are moving through a long journey of clarity that has been much needed. With Venus moving into your 2nd house of income and values at the beginning of the month, you are thinking about your priorities right now, what is worth your time and energy, and what is more draining than fulfilling both financially and emotionally.
Confidence is everything as you move through December, and you are being guided to tap into yours, as well as into your divine intuition. The New Moon on the 12th of the month is helping you clear the air, and you are getting the answers you have been looking for. With Mercury going retrograde on Dec. 13 in an area of your chart having to do with stability and the home, you could be moving through some changes with family and home life as the year ends, and foundations are shifting so that stronger ones can be built.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
December is about perspective, Scorpio, and you are getting the chance to see yours in a new light. There is an opening coming into your life this month, but it may take some effort on your part to notice these new doors that are opening and the support that is there for you. You could be traveling this month, and this energy is helping you open your eyes to the gifts that are surrounding you. Venus enters your sign on Dec. 4 where she will be until Dec. 29, and love is moving into your life in a new and powerful way.
The New Moon of the month is happening in your 2nd house of income, and this is a good time of the month to set your intentions for your finances, investments, and self-confidence. It’s not just about wanting right now, it’s about believing that what you want is already yours and that you are worthy of it. Before the month ends, Jupiter goes direct in your 7th house of love, and any challenges you have been moving through romantically or financially over the past couple of months are that of the past as you enter 2024 with more space within to love and experience blessings here.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
December begins in Sagittarius Season, and you are taking in all that has occurred for you, not just this season but this year in general. This year has been a little heavier for you, and by the time December hits, you are ready to take it slow, ease into the new year, and give yourself time to accept and learn from what’s happened this year. With Venus in your 12th house for most of this month, before it enters your sign, you are truly moving through a time of healing the heart, closing the door on the past, and experiencing enlightenment in your life.
Mercury goes retrograde in Capricorn this month on the 13th and moves into your sign on the 23rd. With Mercury retrograde in your sign, you need some time to develop your plans and to see them through, and you are the only one who can give yourself that time right now. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign, and you get to move into 2024 with love on your side and with more positive energy flowing through your life and your heart.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
Dreams are coming true for you in December, and this month is all about believing in a miracle because you deserve one Capricorn. Support is in your life in all areas, and you get to experience how good life can get when you get out of your own way and allow the blessings to enter. Mercury moves into your sign on Dec. 1, right as the month begins, and then goes retrograde here for ten days starting Dec. 13. Mercury retrograde in your sign isn’t necessarily what you want to see as the year ends, yet you will find that this one is more so empowering rather than hindering.
Capricorn season officially begins on Dec. 21, and it’s your time to shine, beautiful. Capricorn season for you this year is a chance at a fresh start, and it’s here to remind you just how worthy you are of all that you have been seeking. There is true beauty in your life this month, and it’s coming from within you. On Dec. 26, the Full Moon occurs in your opposite sign, and you get to see love come full circle, and as the hope that you have had here, leads you to victory.
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is a month of growth, Aquarius. You are financially experiencing significant gains this month, and you are also being seen as the valuable, intelligent, and talented being that you are. Although responsibilities seem to be piling up as opportunities do, you have the energy and skills to see them through. On Dec. 12, there is a New Moon in your 11th house of hopes and dreams, and this is a good time for seeing your manifestations appear and for feeling closer to your community and friendships along the way.
Mercury goes retrograde in your house of closure this month, and you are ridding yourself of any negative belief systems that have been keeping you away from experiencing personal abundance. Remember that healing can take you places that regret can’t, and give yourself more grace during this time. The Full Moon of the month happens on Dec. 26, and this Full Moon is giving you clarity on your work life, health, and daily routine and allowing you to see the outcomes of what has been working for you.
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PISCES
This month is moving fast for you, Pisces. There is so much to do, to be, and to learn, and you are doing it all happily. This is a month of opportunity for you, and a month where one thing falls into place beautifully after the other. The most significant transit that is happening for you in December, is Neptune moving direct in your sign after being retrograde for the past six months. Now that Neptune is direct, you can see yourself, your gifts, and your inner power more clearly.
Mercury goes retrograde in an area of your chart having to do with manifestation, and patience is needed as you allow your intentions to come into full bloom. The key this month is to not rush things, and rather to enjoy the pace that life is taking you on right now, trusting that it’s all happening exactly how it is supposed to. Jupiter goes direct on the 30th before the year ends, and for you, this means less confusion and misunderstandings in your life, and more support and open communication.
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