Tracee Ellis Ross Spoke All The Truth For Women Who Are Not Married And Haven't Had Kids
As a woman who takes pride in being a single lady, I wonder if there will ever be a day when a woman’s worth is not connected to whether or not she got chosen.
Being a woman isn’t easy, but being a woman in the public eye of a “certain age” is even harder. While it is human nature to want our feelings and our experiences validated, it is important to note that your life isn’t anyone else’s. Golden Globe award-winning actress and our favorite girlfriend, Tracee Ellis Ross gave a word on that subject matter while giving a speech at Glamour’s 2017 Women of the Year Summit.
The 45-year-old got real about the societal expectations imposed on women, specifically when asked presumptive questions about marriage and kids when you’ve lived life without either yet. And if it wasn't clear before, Ross spoke a little louder for the people in the back. Being single and childless at 45 is not the bottom line when it comes to her worth or any woman's worth:
“I dreamed about being chosen by a powerful, sexy, kind man who had full lips and gave good hugs and having a baby boy named Lauren. But…I also dreamed of winning an Oscar and being on the cover of magazines and making a difference in the world, helping women find our voices. And from that dreaming, I have built an incredible life. I have become a woman that I am proud to be.“And then someone tells me about their friend who adopted a child at 52 and how … ‘it’s never too late for your life to have meaning’ …and my worth gets diminished as I am reminded that have ‘failed’ on the marriage and carriage counts. Me! This bold, liberated, independent woman."
After listing her accomplishments, which include being fit, a hard worker, a good friend, a great daughter, having great credit, and even winning her Golden Globe, she said:
"I mean I'm killing it. So why? Why do I get snagged this way? As if all that I've done and everything I am doesn't matter. And I look back and think about all the ways that we are told that those two hashtag goals, being chosen and having kids, are what makes you worthy.”
Ross then went on to describe the four-word mantra that ultimately liberated her from dated societal standards:
“My life is mine.“Those words stopped me in my tracks. Those words brought tears to my eyes. Seems so obvious, but obviously it wasn’t. Because I have NOT been living my life as it was my own. I mean to a certain extent yes, but on a deep level, no.
“So, if my life is actually mine…then I have to really live it for myself. I have to put myself first and not be looking for permission to do so.”
Tracee isn't the only woman who has been speaking out on the societal pressures to have kids and get married that women experience as they grow older. Rapper Eve recently disclosed that at the age of 39, she is often asked when she is planning on having kids and Gabrielle Union also revealed that people feel as though her marriage is her greatest accomplishment.
When people say, ‘You’re so lucky Dwyane Wade chose you,’ I’m like, ‘No, I chose myself.’ Once I chose myself and realized I was my best asset, not who chooses me, that freed me up to love myself in a way that allowed me to love other people better, which allowed our love to finally come in after years of back and forth and mental chess matches.There are people that have asked and assume that my greatest accomplishment is
getting married and I’m like, ‘No, just being chosen isn’t an accomplishment.
When you choose yourself, you stop caring about whether or not you get “chosen.” And life opens up for that self-assured, new and improved beautiful magical brave you.
Let Ross inspire you to also choose yourself in her full speech below.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Sir Taylor