When I was thirteen and swore I was grown, my friends and I would put on our press-on nails and steal whatever lipstick we thought we could make work from our mothers' purses. This was the 90's, a time before Youtube make-up tutorials. We got our make-up tips from YM magazine and wondered why the olive eyeshadow they suggested for “brown girls" never looked quite right. We did all this to take the long way to the corner store with the hopes that some boy would ride by on his bike and try to “talk to us". Because back then a “Yo, shawty. You look good as hell," wasn't street harassment, it was a damn good day.
Where do you draw the line between a “street holla" and harassment?
I must admit, I haven't had any man yell at me from a block away in a long time. What I have noticed however is a difference in their standards. I had more men come on to me while I was 8 months pregnant waddling to work then I ever had when I was fresh to death for happy hour in my skinny jeans. Not to mention I was rocking an engagement ring as well. But men would make U-turns in the middle of traffic just to say, “Take my number if your husband starts acting up."
Wait…what? Would you want a man approaching your wife with a get-out- of marriage-free card if she ever started having problems with her husband?
Street harassment is officially defined as a form of sexual harassment that consists of unwanted comments, wolf-whistles, "catcalling", and other actions by strangers in public areas. I'm not necessarily down with movement for men to completely stop approaching women they're attracted to; I appreciate direction communication over a direct message any day. But I am down for stopping disrespect and men have to understand the anxiety that single women, in the city especially, go through daily. If you're making sexual comments about my anatomy, insulting me because I turned you down or believe it's acceptable to embarrass me by being loud and obnoxious, you're harassing me and it's not flattery. In 2014, Stop Street Harassment commissioned a 2,000-person national survey in the USA with surveying firm GfK. The survey found that 65% of all women had experienced street harassment. Among all women, 23% had been sexually touched, 20% had been followed, and 9% had been forced to do something sexual.
Fellas, if you're trying to get a woman's attention, here are some simple guidelines:
If I'm with a young child or family members, please be considerate of what you say and how you say it. If you can't approach me with courtesy, don't approach me at all.
If you're following me in a car and I'm walking by myself I think you want to stick me up, not take me out.
If I'm married I'm not looking for friends or adding your number to speed dial the minute I get mad at my husband.
If I'm pregnant I have bigger concerns on my plate, then giving you a call, but you CAN hold the door or that elevator for me.
No I don't want a ride. You're a complete stranger and possibly a serial killer.
If I say no, I mean no. And no need to say, “I was wack anyway." Or get in your expletive bag. Take your L like a man.
If you wouldn't want someone to say it to your mama, mother of your kids, girlfriend, grandma or any woman you respect and care for, don't say it to me.
The goal of “getting talked to" as a teen is now an inconvenience for adult women like myself who find themselves taking the long way home just to avoid areas where they're walking through a literal rude comments section. Whether you believe street harassment is the real deal or you think it's another exaggerated movement consider this: No woman should feel like harassment is a daily part of her routine.
I asked a few ladies what were their worst experiences with street harassment and here's what they said:
“The other day, I was walking from my building to my leasing office and this man sitting in his car, windows down, said something. I looked his way and he said, 'Aye I like your walk'. I say, 'Thank you.' I smiled as I inherently do and kept walking. He proceeds to creep alongside me with his vehicle, 'Aye what's your name?' I say, 'No thank you' and keep walking and try to walk in over a hill where he can't drive. I can still hear his voice, 'I'm not going to stop until you let me take you out.' This n-word probably thought that was cute as hell, but it was scary and creepy, Like why does no make some people think try harder?" -S.G.
______________________
“I just went out for my coffee & I usually speak back & say hello to men who say g'morning or hello. But this one dude goes YO. Ninja, get the phuck. I keep moving. He SCREAMS YOOOOOO! Now you REALLY don't get a hello b/c you were MAD IGNORANT." - E.H.
______________________
“I'm walking to the bodega to get some snacks. The cat calls begin.
Dude: wassup sexy ass my little pony. I like your hair. What you doing tonight?
..... shoot me to the moon." -S.M. (a Facebook friend with the most gorgeous ombre lilac hair I've ever seen.)
______________________
“I had a guy follow me in his car while I was walking on 5th street and once he realized I was ignoring him, he shouted his number at me and sped off. He didn't follow for long but it scared the s**t out of me. I don't walk on 5th street anymore. Those guys are truly thirsty." -D.Y.
_______________________
“I was walking my mom to bus stop one night and this guy proceeds to run from the playground and approach us like, 'Hey, sexy ass Grandma,' and waits with us at the bus stop. It was funny and rude at the same time. I mean my 8-year-old son was there and sometimes you just want to have a moment with your family, not feel like it's $2 Tuesday at the club every time you walk outside your door." -L.W.
What was your craziest experience involving street harassment?
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
Courtesy
With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
Courtesy
For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy