Whenever people in my space take cracks at Tubi (remember it’s free, y’all), although there is some content that warrants it (Lord knows), what I will oftentimes say is there are also some gems featured on there that can make the sifting process totally worth your while.
Take the movie Social, for example. It’s about a Black guy who is dealing with social anxiety. The man who has the lead role’s name is Gary Champion, and without even expecting that I was going to find his choices in roles fascinating, I do. It’s mostly because I recently saw him in another movie (yep, on the same platform) entitled Flew'd Out. It’s quirky and even flat-out bizarre on a lot of levels, yet that seems to be his thing: picking unexpected indie projects.
So, what does that have to do with anything (as it relates to today’s topic)? Well, as you can just about guess, Flew’d Out is about a woman who has men fly her out, then she tapes them and posts them on her socials in order to humiliate them and gain her some online clout whenever the transactions don’t go the way that she wants them to. Anyway, the ultimate fallout comes from her pulling that on the wrong — or right, depending on how you choose to ultimately look at it, I guess — guy.
The entire time that I watched it, mostly what I did was double-down on the points that I made in an article that I wrote last year for the site, “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.” Ugh. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it over a billion times before that when you don’t know the purpose of something, it is almost guaranteed that you will misuse or abuse it.
And when it comes to trying to find a healthy, solid, and long-term relationship (if that is indeed your goal, that is), being out here looking for a date that comes with the highest price tag, just so you brag about it on IG or to your friends? That isn’t going to ultimately get you what you want. All you’re going to do is attract the same opportunistic energy that you are putting out — and opportunists aren’t friends. All they really do is use each other.
Hmph. So many folks say that the dating pool has pee in it; meanwhile, I can’t help but wonder if a part of the reason why it’s that way is because the foundation of relationships, overall, are super dysfunctional at this point — and a big part of the reason why is because people are overlooking what should be a core element of any romantic connection: FRIENDSHIP.
I’m not the only one who thinks this way, either. Science does, too.
Just Like I Always Suspected, Successful Relationships Have Friendship As Its Foundation
GiphyAbout a month ago, The New York Times featured a Black couple who shared their love story. The title of the piece was, “After Years of Almost-Dates, a Romance Grows Between Friends.” The gist of it all is Cory and Stephanie have known each other since high school, they used to have lockers close to one another, they would walk home with each other after school and, although Stephanie was a couple of years older than Cory (which we all know is a pretty big deal in high school) and she had a boyfriend back then, they did happen to cultivate a friendship (bookmark that).
After high school, Cory and Stephanie ended up staying in touch and then, years later, they discovered that they both worked for the same company in Manhattan. So, in order to catch up, they met up for a meal, and afterward, Stephanie invited Cory to watch The Walking Dead with her at her place. Both of them referred to that as their “second first date” because it was a date that happened after years of almost-attempts at experiencing an official one (whether they initially realized it before or not).
During the pandemic, Cory and Stephanie spent more quality time together which caused Cory to ultimately realize that he had found his “one.” After four years of returning back to the restaurant of their second first date, Cory had loved ones meet them there so that he could propose. Stephanie said “yes” and they were married this past spring. Right before their wedding, they revisited their high school and the principal gave them a banner with the name of the high school on it; they used it as a part of their wedding day decor. Precious.
FRIENDSHIP.
Did you peep how organically and (relatively) smoothly everything evolved between Cory and Stephanie? It was because they both took their time to get to know each other. Did you also notice that there was no stratagem or cryptic agenda involved or even any pressure? Very early on, Cory and Stephanie decided that they were going to be friends and, if something came of it, cool. If not, there was still going to be a friendship intact so…also cool. Beautiful.
And you know what, just like Cory and Stephanie used their ever-evolving friendship to develop a relationship that ultimately turned them into husband and wife, science recommends that all people take the same approach…because it has proven to be a successful one. In fact, a particular popular study revealed that “the percentage of friends-first romantic couples varied from 40% to 73%. Friends-first initiation was even higher among married couples and homosexual relationships.”
The study went on to say that even if things start out as a friends-with-benefits dynamic, it has a 42% success rate when it comes to ultimately/eventually turning into something more. That’s not all. Something else that I found to be interesting about the research is only 30 percent of people said that they were initially sexually attracted to their now-partner; yep, 70 percent said that their feelings shifted over time.
Another pretty relevant thing that the study revealed is almost half of the individuals who participated in it would prefer for a relationship to start from a friendship rather than meeting someone at a party or online.
So, if there is solid data that proves that starting off as friends is certainly the best route to go, why don’t more people prioritize it? Good question.
So, Why Do More People Not Prioritize Friendship Before a Relationship?
GiphyThought Catalog is a website that has some cool essays on it from time to time. One that was published, shoot, a decade ago is entitled “To The Guy I Left In The Friend Zone For Too Long.” For the most part, it’s a personal narrative that is filled with regret because the author wishes that she had never friend-zoned a guy; now, she is hoping that she will give him another chance.
Look, it’s its own article that a lot of people friend-zone folks who would be great partners, and it’s all because they were never taught to prioritize establishing a friendship with a potential significant other in the first place. Y’all, even though attraction and chemistry are absolutely essential in a relationship, ask married folks who’ve been together for longer than five years about how much friendship has gotten them through the challenging times in their dynamic (check out “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?”).
Yeah, it really is wild to me how some people seem to underestimate the importance of friendship qualities like honesty, support, and good communication until after they commit to someone, which is actually why their relationship doesn’t go the distance; they were out here mostly only caring about if someone looks good and/or is great in bed or they just wanted to be in a relationship for having one’s sake when that stuff is to be icing far more than cake.
And how did so many find themselves in that predicament? Hmph. My older goddaughter is officially a teenager now, and while I tell her often that liking boys is completely normal, Auntie Shellie ain’t playin’ that “he cheated on me” or even “I have a boyfriend” nonsense with her. You are 13, chile — you have friends. You need to learn how to be friends with a boy, so that you can value friendship so that you can know how to properly navigate a relationship when you are actually old (and by “old”, what I mean is mature) enough to have one.
Yep — a lot of people, unfortunately, from as early as middle school on, thought, too much about the “girl” in girlfriend or the “boy” in boyfriend that they never factored in the FRIEND part. I actually recently read an article on The Jasmine Brand where Erykah Badu said that very thing about her relationship with her once-upon-a-time boyfriend and father of her firstborn, André 3000:
“When we became boyfriend and girlfriend in the ‘90s, we didn’t become friends first. We were attracted to each other first…We had stuff in common, but we didn’t learn all of that until over the years...Over these years, we’ve just become closer and closer as friends, as humans, as man, as woman…He’s one of my best friends on the planet.”
Listen, being friends is how you get to genuinely know someone. Being friends is how you can figure out if your lives truly mesh beyond the surface. Being friends is how you prioritize the qualities that make for a healthy and lasting relationship. So yes, it absolutely makes all of the sense in the world that science would say that people should start off as friends if they want their relationship to have a far greater chance at being successful.
3 Things That Can Shift Your Thinking About Guys Who Actually Have More-than-Friends Potential
GiphyOkay, but what if you’ve always been “programmed” to think that a relationship and a friendship are totally different things? What I mean by that is, what if you’ve always thought that if you are physically and emotionally into someone, that is not the same thing as being actual friends with them? In order to change your thinking, what should you do?
1. Use “just a friend” less.
I have a lot of male friends and all of them are pretty impressive in their own way, if I do say so myself. Because I am peacefully single, sometimes I get asked about why some of them aren’t more than friends to me, so I get why you may reply to a similar question with, “He’s just a friend.” At the same time, because I’ve personally learned to value friendship more than ever, I have chosen to frame that differently. Why?
Because that response low-key sounds like a friend isn’t of high value and merit. As a result, sometimes, even if a guy in our life has the potential to evolve into something more, saying that he’s “just a friend” programs us into thinking that 1) a friend is lower in value and 2) it doesn’t have the ability to change. That said, think of the guys who you say are “just a friend.” Taking into account my breakdown, why do you say that? Next sentence: Is that 100 percent accurate?
2. Understand what a relationship is about.
In The National’s article, “Is friendship the new marriage? Experts give their bestie advice,” one of the points that it makes is, “Friendships offer a unique blend of unconditional support, mutual interests, and shared experiences that differ from romantic relationships...They often lack the pressures and expectations that can accompany romantic relationships, allowing for more straightforward communication and acceptance." I totally agree and it definitely irks me that people seem to have more grace, mercy, and forgiveness in friendships than in relationships — and I think it’s because individuals better understand the purpose of friendships vs. relationships.
Honestly, a relationship should be a friendship that consists of a desire to intimately share all of the nuances of your life with another individual while being sexually connected and profoundly committed.
In other words, a relationship should be a “2.0 version” of a friendship; it definitely shouldn’t be something that is void of one. Yet…many relationships are, which is why there is very little patience, compassion, and resilience in them. Sad. Very sad.
3. Take the pressure off.
Pressure may make diamonds; however, you know what else it creates? STRESS and please tell me when a stress-filled relationship has truly benefitted anyone. You know, some of the best relationships have happened when things didn’t come with stress, ultimatums, and agendas — instead, they evolved organically, which literally means that they developed, over the course of time, without the use of force (of any kind) or pressure.
By putting a friendship first and allowing it to grow, you’ll be amazed at what you will discover — about what you need/don’t need, want/don’t want, and how much a true friendship will benefit a relationship in the long run. Know what else? Less pressure allows room and space for authenticity and trust; that way, you can know who you are truly dealing with beyond surface-level attraction or oxytocin highs (good sex).
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Me? I’m always gonna be a huge fan of relationships that were birthed out of friendships because I like houses that are built on solid foundations.
Some of y’all will catch that later…please make sure that you do. #wink
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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