Should You Start Off As Friends? Science Says Absolutely.

Just Like I Always Suspected, Successful Relationships Have Friendship As Its Foundation

About a month ago, The New York Times featured a Black couple who shared their love story. The title of the piece was, “After Years of Almost-Dates, a Romance Grows Between Friends.” The gist of it all is Cory and Stephanie have known each other since high school, they used to have lockers close to one another, they would walk home with each other after school and, although Stephanie was a couple of years older than Cory (which we all know is a pretty big deal in high school) and she had a boyfriend back then, they did happen to cultivate a friendship (bookmark that).

After high school, Cory and Stephanie ended up staying in touch and then, years later, they discovered that they both worked for the same company in Manhattan. So, in order to catch up, they met up for a meal, and afterward, Stephanie invited Cory to watch The Walking Dead with her at her place. Both of them referred to that as their “second first date” because it was a date that happened after years of almost-attempts at experiencing an official one (whether they initially realized it before or not).

During the pandemic, Cory and Stephanie spent more quality time together which caused Cory to ultimately realize that he had found his “one.” After four years of returning back to the restaurant of their second first date, Cory had loved ones meet them there so that he could propose. Stephanie said “yes” and they were married this past spring. Right before their wedding, they revisited their high school and the principal gave them a banner with the name of the high school on it; they used it as a part of their wedding day decor. Precious.

FRIENDSHIP.

Did you peep how organically and (relatively) smoothly everything evolved between Cory and Stephanie? It was because they both took their time to get to know each other. Did you also notice that there was no stratagem or cryptic agenda involved or even any pressure? Very early on, Cory and Stephanie decided that they were going to be friends and, if something came of it, cool. If not, there was still going to be a friendship intact so…also cool. Beautiful.

And you know what, just like Cory and Stephanie used their ever-evolving friendship to develop a relationship that ultimately turned them into husband and wife, science recommends that all people take the same approach…because it has proven to be a successful one. In fact, a particular popular study revealed that “the percentage of friends-first romantic couples varied from 40% to 73%. Friends-first initiation was even higher among married couples and homosexual relationships.”

The study went on to say that even if things start out as a friends-with-benefits dynamic, it has a 42% success rate when it comes to ultimately/eventually turning into something more. That’s not all. Something else that I found to be interesting about the research is only 30 percent of people said that they were initially sexually attracted to their now-partner; yep, 70 percent said that their feelings shifted over time.

Another pretty relevant thing that the study revealed is almost half of the individuals who participated in it would prefer for a relationship to start from a friendship rather than meeting someone at a party or online.

So, if there is solid data that proves that starting off as friends is certainly the best route to go, why don’t more people prioritize it? Good question.

So, Why Do More People Not Prioritize Friendship Before a Relationship?

Thought Catalog is a website that has some cool essays on it from time to time. One that was published, shoot, a decade ago is entitled “To The Guy I Left In The Friend Zone For Too Long.” For the most part, it’s a personal narrative that is filled with regret because the author wishes that she had never friend-zoned a guy; now, she is hoping that she will give him another chance.

Look, it’s its own article that a lot of people friend-zone folks who would be great partners, and it’s all because they were never taught to prioritize establishing a friendship with a potential significant other in the first place. Y’all, even though attraction and chemistry are absolutely essential in a relationship, ask married folks who’ve been together for longer than five years about how much friendship has gotten them through the challenging times in their dynamic (check out “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?”).

Yeah, it really is wild to me how some people seem to underestimate the importance of friendship qualities like honesty, support, and good communication until after they commit to someone, which is actually why their relationship doesn’t go the distance; they were out here mostly only caring about if someone looks good and/or is great in bed or they just wanted to be in a relationship for having one’s sake when that stuff is to be icing far more than cake.

And how did so many find themselves in that predicament? Hmph. My older goddaughter is officially a teenager now, and while I tell her often that liking boys is completely normal, Auntie Shellie ain’t playin’ that “he cheated on me” or even “I have a boyfriend” nonsense with her. You are 13, chile — you have friends. You need to learn how to be friends with a boy, so that you can value friendship so that you can know how to properly navigate a relationship when you are actually old (and by “old”, what I mean is mature) enough to have one.

Yep — a lot of people, unfortunately, from as early as middle school on, thought, too much about the “girl” in girlfriend or the “boy” in boyfriend that they never factored in the FRIEND part. I actually recently read an article on The Jasmine Brand where Erykah Badu said that very thing about her relationship with her once-upon-a-time boyfriend and father of her firstborn, André 3000:

“When we became boyfriend and girlfriend in the ‘90s, we didn’t become friends first. We were attracted to each other first…We had stuff in common, but we didn’t learn all of that until over the years...Over these years, we’ve just become closer and closer as friends, as humans, as man, as woman…He’s one of my best friends on the planet.”

Listen, being friends is how you get to genuinely know someone. Being friends is how you can figure out if your lives truly mesh beyond the surface. Being friends is how you prioritize the qualities that make for a healthy and lasting relationship. So yes, it absolutely makes all of the sense in the world that science would say that people should start off as friends if they want their relationship to have a far greater chance at being successful.

3 Things That Can Shift Your Thinking About Guys Who Actually Have More-than-Friends Potential

Okay, but what if you’ve always been “programmed” to think that a relationship and a friendship are totally different things? What I mean by that is, what if you’ve always thought that if you are physically and emotionally into someone, that is not the same thing as being actual friends with them? In order to change your thinking, what should you do?

1. Use “just a friend” less.

I have a lot of male friends and all of them are pretty impressive in their own way, if I do say so myself. Because I am peacefully single, sometimes I get asked about why some of them aren’t more than friends to me, so I get why you may reply to a similar question with, “He’s just a friend.” At the same time, because I’ve personally learned to value friendship more than ever, I have chosen to frame that differently. Why?

Because that response low-key sounds like a friend isn’t of high value and merit. As a result, sometimes, even if a guy in our life has the potential to evolve into something more, saying that he’s “just a friend” programs us into thinking that 1) a friend is lower in value and 2) it doesn’t have the ability to change. That said, think of the guys who you say are “just a friend.” Taking into account my breakdown, why do you say that? Next sentence: Is that 100 percent accurate?

2. Understand what a relationship is about.

In The National’s article, “Is friendship the new marriage? Experts give their bestie advice,” one of the points that it makes is, “Friendships offer a unique blend of unconditional support, mutual interests, and shared experiences that differ from romantic relationships...They often lack the pressures and expectations that can accompany romantic relationships, allowing for more straightforward communication and acceptance." I totally agree and it definitely irks me that people seem to have more grace, mercy, and forgiveness in friendships than in relationships — and I think it’s because individuals better understand the purpose of friendships vs. relationships.

Honestly, a relationship should be a friendship that consists of a desire to intimately share all of the nuances of your life with another individual while being sexually connected and profoundly committed.

In other words, a relationship should be a “2.0 version” of a friendship; it definitely shouldn’t be something that is void of one. Yet…many relationships are, which is why there is very little patience, compassion, and resilience in them. Sad. Very sad.

3. Take the pressure off.

Pressure may make diamonds; however, you know what else it creates? STRESS and please tell me when a stress-filled relationship has truly benefitted anyone. You know, some of the best relationships have happened when things didn’t come with stress, ultimatums, and agendas — instead, they evolved organically, which literally means that they developed, over the course of time, without the use of force (of any kind) or pressure.

By putting a friendship first and allowing it to grow, you’ll be amazed at what you will discover — about what you need/don’t need, want/don’t want, and how much a true friendship will benefit a relationship in the long run. Know what else? Less pressure allows room and space for authenticity and trust; that way, you can know who you are truly dealing with beyond surface-level attraction or oxytocin highs (good sex).

____

Me? I’m always gonna be a huge fan of relationships that were birthed out of friendships because I like houses that are built on solid foundations.

Some of y’all will catch that later…please make sure that you do. #wink

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