12 Absolutely Bomb Sex Techniques To Try Tonight
Not too long ago, while doing an interview on sex and relationships, the interviewer asked me, "Don't you ever get tired of talking about sex?" Is she crazy? That would be a firm "no". I think it's because, two things that absolutely fascinate me, are sex and relationships. Since both transpire between human beings, there are always layers and surprises to be experienced. And, when it comes to sex specifically, there are also always techniques to try—things that can be done to make sex even better than it already is.
Today, that's what this article is totally devoted to—things that you and yours can do that will hopefully enhance your sexual performance and help you to accomplish a new level sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Because really, when "upgrading" your sex life is a constant focus and goal, how can you ever get tired of sex? I mean, like…ever.
1. Create a “Sex Code”
I'm thinking that most of us know what safe words are. But just to be on the safe side, it's the word that you give when you want to alert your partner that you are uncomfortable or they are going too far. Well a sex code is similar but different. To me, the best way to break it down is to take us all the way back to beeper days. Although I never had one, some of my friends did. I remember that if they had a boo, sometimes they would have codes for each other. There was a code for "I love you", "I miss you" and well, other stuff.
Yeah, that's the best way to explain a sex code. It's a set of numbers, letters or combination of both that you and your sex partner can use to send a cryptic message that you wanna hook up, that there are certain things you'd like to try (or try again), or that there is a place where you want to do these things. For instance, if there is a particular hotel that you both enjoy, the code could be the number in the street address or the number of the room that you always get. Once your brain gets used to seeing those codes, it will start to stimulate the rest of your body to get excited about what's to come. Try it. It works.
2. Bring in a Pair of Surgical Gloves
What in the world do you need a pair of surgical gloves for? Word on the street is if you fill one of the gloves with lubrication and then you place the glove over your man's penis shaft and stroke it, that can provide a sensation similar to what the inside of your vagina feels like. And why do this over simply having intercourse?
This tip isn't meant to be a substitute (because there is no substitute for yonis); it's simply a fun foreplay tool. Plus, since our hands can provide a different kind of pressure than our vaginas can, it's the kind of massage that your partner will probably really appreciate (especially if you warm the lubrication up a bit before you start).
As far as where to get a pair of these gloves, Amazon sells a pack of 100 for under ten bucks here.
3. Massage Some Unpredictable Spots
Speaking of massages, I don't know too many people who will turn down a free massage; especially if it's a sensual one that's coming from their partner. But the reason why massaging makes this sex technique list is this—the key to giving a really good one is to hit some spots that are somewhat overlooked. For instance, use your tongue to graze over parts of your partner's body where their skin is not as thick like their wrists or behind their ears. To release pent up tension, rub on his shoulder blades, behind his knees and especially his temples. When you're ready to get him sexually stimulated, never underestimate the power of touching his feet, including his toes. Reflexology experts can vouch for the fact that gently rubbing on the top of someone's feet helps to boost their libido, while massaging the outside of their big toe can trigger the production of estrogen and testosterone. Another tip is if you rub on their ankles, that can actually intensify orgasms and ejaculation. If both of you are down to touch these spots, it can trigger y'all in some of the best ways possible.
4. Do the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique
Ask any sex expert—or anyone who has great sex on a regular basis—what is needed to not only climax but feel more connected with your partner and one of the things that is going to top their list is paying attention to your breathing. Learning how to deep breathe with your partner will calm you down, put you more at ease, and eventually make orgasms a whole lot more intense.
As far as breathing techniques go, one that you should definitely try is the "4-7-8" one. What you do is sit in front of your partner (preferably naked). Next, dab a little bit of lavender or jasmine oil right underneath your nose; lavender is a soother and jasmine is an aphrodisiac. Then, both of you should exhale out of your mouths and close them. Then inhale through your noses for a count of four, hold for a count of seven and exhale through your mouths for a count of eight. If you do this 3-4 times, it will help to center you so that you are totally relaxed; it will also build up anticipation for whatever is coming next.
5. Use Some Oral Sex Condiments
Sometimes I'll sit on a counseling session with a couple where one of the spouses will say that, no matter how much they try and get into oral sex, they can never manage to get past the taste or texture of their partner. For those of us who can't relate, we might think that this is petty or even juvenile, but to a certain extent, I see where they are coming from. For some, bodily fluids are an acquired taste. Still, that doesn't mean that there aren't "work arounds" to make it easier to, well, digest.
One thing that you can try is to bring some oral sex condiments into the mix. Just like ketchup or mustard can make a hot dog taste better, honey, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, whipped cream or a combo of cinnamon oil and sweet almond oil can make fellatio and/or cunnilingus a more delicious experience too. Just make sure to put a couple of towels down (to protect your bedding) and have some warm cloths on tap (for afterwards). That will make clean up and/or sex entry a lot easier once you are done.
6. Try the Kivin Method
Speaking of oral sex, the next time your man is about to go down on you, ask him to try the Kivin method.
Don't worry, it's nothing complicated. It simply means that instead of him licking up and down on your clitoris (and vulva overall, really), he needs to move his tongue from side-to-side instead. Since this isn't a technique that is applied a lot, it will stimulate some of the nerves in your clitoris (and vulva) that oftentimes go ignored.
And since there are 8,000 of those bad boys in your clit alone, imagine how amazing you'll feel when some of those dormant once have been awakened. (This makes me think of Luke James reading thirst tweets recently. Something tells me that he knows all about this, girl.)
7. Keep Your Legs Closed
Most of us have heard somewhere that 75 percent of women aren't able to achieve an orgasm from intercourse alone. To that, I say, close your legs. What in the world am I talking about? I'm not the least bit hesitant to share that I used to have some of my best orgasms when my legs were closed. Like when a partner was penetrating me with his legs on the outside of mine, for example. The reason why this works is because with my legs closed, that gives him a greater opportunity to stimulate my clitoris and vagina simultaneously. I've even heard some women say that oral sex orgasms are better when their legs are down, straight and closer together as opposed to hiked up in the air. It might sound crazy but hey—don't knock it until you've tried it. Sometimes, the best sex happens when your legs aren't opened but closed.
8. Play Around with “Putting on the Sock”
You might've heard somewhere that you've got a greater chance of having an orgasm if you've got a pair of socks on. The theory is it works because when your feet are warm, blood flow increases and that can make it easier to climax. That's not what I mean when I recommend "putting on the sock", though. This is actually a Kama Sutra term that refers to your partner first stroking your vagina with his fingers and then with the tip of his penis before actually penetrating you. What it does is give you more time to become naturally lubricated as it heightens his arousal in the process. What it all has to do with socks, you've got me there but back in my sexin' days, I was doing this quite a bit and whew chile, it works. So yeah, I'll all for putting some socks on.
9. “Stir” His Penis
I'm hoping that this particular tip is more of a reminder than anything else. Whether your partner is well-endowed or you simply want to use his penis to find your G-spot, control his thrusts a little more by asking him to be still so that you can use your own pelvis to "stir his penis" around. He'll appreciate getting a bit of a break and you'll enjoy how you can navigate his shaft towards the parts of your vulva and vagina that stimulate you the absolute most.
10. Get into the Blossoming Flower Position
I know—it really does seem like there are a billion-and-one sex positions out here, doesn't it? But this actually isn't all that complicated, I promise. The long short of it is, next time you are in a position where your partner is on top of you and you've got a pillow underneath for extra support, right when you're at the point where you think that his thrusts can't go any deeper into you, pull back and then pull him in just a bit more. Go slow at first, then build up to a mutual rhythm. It will "hit some spots" that you probably didn't know were there and intensify your orgasms in the process.
11. Keep Your Clothes On. Kinda.
One time, while talking to a husband about what he wished he was able to experience more with his wife, what he shared was interesting—pretty simple too. "I wish my wife would let me undress her more. That way, I can decide what parts of her clothes I want to leave on and what parts I want to take off." I did some unofficial polling and discovered that a lot of men can relate to the line in Beyoncé's "Drunk in Love" when her hubby Jay Z says, "Foreplay in the foyer, fucked up my Warhol/Slip the panties right to the side/Ain't got the time to take drawers off, on sight".
When I asked the guys why this was such a turn-on, they said that between the urgency of wanting their partner so bad that there is no time to totally disrobe to enjoying the peek-a-boos of breasts spilling out of bras or panties being pulled over to the side so that sex can be had in atypical places—little moves like this can make sex feel like a new adventure, even if you've been with your partner countless times. Duly noted.
12. Play ‘Never Have I Ever’ (Do What You’ve Nevered)
Soon I'm going to pen a piece on how, just like the weather has seasons, so do married couples when it comes to their sex life. Well, whenever "fall" or "winter" roll around, something that I sometimes recommend that they do is to put their own twist on the Never Have I Ever game. The key is to listen to what neither of you have never tried before on the sexual tip and then attempt it with each other—or at least some variation of it.
I won't lie. In order to play this, you need to be secure in the fact that your partner probably has a past, and this game may enlighten you to some things that you didn't know about it before. But if the main focus is less ego and more pleasure, you'll be far more interested in learning more about your partner and figuring out ways to be their "first" when it comes to what they've never done and what they are open to finally trying—with you. Have fun. #winkwink
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time
10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees
Feature image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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