If You Have Herpes, When Should You Reveal It To A Potential Partner?
Several years ago, I ran into someone who I hadn’t seen in…shoot, forever. After we both got over the semi-shock of randomly seeing each other, I noticed that she had a really distraught look on her face. Y’all, definitely an occupational hazard of being a marriage life coach is when I notice someone is stressed out, I will go into (or be put into) coaching/counseling mode — this was no exception. She actually burst into tears as she pulled me aside, whispered that she recently found out that she had herpes, and then shared that she basically thought her dreams of having a healthy relationship were over.
Hmph. I’m actually surprised that there aren’t far more articles out in cyberspace surrounding this topic. The reason why I say that is because, when it comes to HSV-2, specifically, reportedly one in five women between the ages of 14 and 49 currently have it and, within our own community, one in two Black women within the same demographic do — that is the virus that causes genital herpes (you can read an NPR piece from several years back entitled, “CDC: Genital Herpes Among Black Women High” for more info on that).
And so, since herpes is just this common, I thought it was extremely important that we dive into what herpes is, what you should do if you have it, how you can prevent it if you don’t, and, just what your approach to sex should be if you do have herpes and you’re considering becoming intimate with a new partner.
Herpes. Explained. A Bit Better.
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First, because there still tends to be such a stigma surrounding herpes, let’s talk about the layers that surround it. For instance, did you know that there are actually over 100 different versions of the herpes virus, that only eight directly affect humans directly, and out of those two, it’s the herpes simplex viruses (HSV-1 and HSV-2) that can lead to genital warts (the other six impact other parts of your system such as your immunity and skin)?
HSV-1 is what causes oral herpes (cold sores via your mouth) while HSV-2 is what causes genital herpes. Both are infections that currently have no cure (although they can be managed with medication).
What Is HSV-1?
Now, if one of the main things that you’re wondering is if HSV-1 and HSV-2 are both considered to be STI/STDs, the answer isn’t exactly black and white. Since HSV-1 (which is super contagious during an outbreak, by the way) tends to be spread through saliva or sores in the mouth (or using folks’ cups and utensils when they have an outbreak), it can’t be automatically classified as an STI/STD. However, since HSV-1 can also be transmitted via oral sex, this means that it potentially can be an STI/STD.
It also should go on record that if you happen to be diagnosed with HSV-1, you can’t be reinfected with it; at the same time, you are at risk (some say a higher risk) to contract HSV-2. When it comes to HSV-1, it’s also important to keep in mind that it’s common to contract it as a child and it’s also hella common to be asymptomatic. That said, if you do happen to end up with cold sores in or around your mouth, they typically will go away within two weeks — although before that two-week window is up, that is the time when sexual contact should be avoided.
Usually, the treatment for oral herpes is antiviral medications and/or antiviral ointments and/or over-the-counter anti-inflammatory meds. And again, although cold sores do happen to go away on their own, medical research does reveal that proper treatment can help to reduce the frequency and intensity of outbreaks whenever they do occur.
What About HSV-2?
Since it is a type of herpes virus that is spread through vaginal, oral, and/or anal sex, it is definitely classified as being an STI/STD. Some other ways that it can be spread is by touching someone’s genitals whenever they have an outbreak, a baby being vaginally birthed, and even via breastfeeding if the mom happens to have an open sore in that area at the time.
Symptoms
As far as symptoms go, it truly can’t be said enough that many people don’t even know that they have genital herpes and so, sometimes what could seem like a yeast infection or UTI could actually be genital herpes. So, if you happen to have pain in your or around your genitalia, yellow discharge, and/or pain when you urinate and either a standard yeast infection or UTI treatment doesn’t help or the infection keeps returning, you really need to make an appointment with your doctor.
Some other symptoms to look out for: red, blister-like bumps, fever, headaches, pain in your joints, and/or lesions (or ulcers) on your vulva, in your vagina, in your anus, or even on your buttocks, and/or thighs.
Treatment & Outbreaks
Treatment for HSV-2 includes various antiviral medications and/or episodic therapy (a one-time treatment that specifically targets a particular outbreak) and chronic suppressive therapy for individuals who have frequent outbreaks. It’s also important to keep in mind that things like your menstrual cycle and bouts of stress can trigger an outbreak. As far as how long a genital outbreak lasts, research reveals that the first one is typically the longest; it can last anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks.
Oh, and one more thing before we continue: genital herpes cannot spread to other parts of your body. So, if you’ve got an unexplainable sore on, say, your arm or your leg, speak with your doctor. Don’t assume that it has anything to do with the herpes virus.
Herpes & Relationships: How Sex Should Be Approached
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Okay, so now that, hopefully, herpes has been explained in a way where it makes more sense (en masse), let’s get into how sex should be approached/handled if you happen to have HSV-1 or HSV-2. Well, for starters, let me reiterate that ORAL SEX IS SEX, and again, both forms of the herpes virus can be spread that way — this is especially the case if you or your partner has an outbreak, although studies say that herpes can be transmitted even if there are no symptoms, which is why sexually-active people really need to get tested for STI/STDs every 6-12 months without fail.
Now after reading that, you might think that having herpes means that oral sex (giving or receiving) is pretty much a thing of the past. Eh, not exactly. It’s important to keep in mind that while participating in the act with someone who has the virus does make you more vulnerable to getting it, it’s been reported that getting HSV-2 through oral activity is pretty rare. Still, if you want to take extra precautions, you can always have oral sex while using a condom or a dental dam.
And what about sexual intercourse? Pretty much any medical professional that you speak to is going to recommend that you use a condom while having sex, whether you have an outbreak, or symptoms or not. And listen, while we’re here, I know a guy, who has HSV-2, who is SUPER SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE because he only uses condoms if he happens to have an outbreak going on and he doesn’t always notify his partners that he even has genital herpes (UGH).
Unfortunately, he’s not alone either.
Several years back, the Guttmacher Institute published, “Many People Who Have Herpes Use Condoms Only During Symptomatic Outbreaks” — and when you stop to consider that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms anyway (and even that isn’t consistently)…SMDH. Yeah, don’t even get me started on how that could be a huge part of the reason why herpes is such a widespread virus.
Anyway, condoms at all times, not having sex if you have symptoms related to an outbreak, and definitely no sex if there are sores/lesions/ulcers present need to be the rule of thumb. And what if you happen to be in a long-term exclusive situation and you don’t want to use condoms forever? An option to consider is taking what is known as a serological test; it’s a type of blood test that can reveal if antibodies of the virus are present in you and/or your partner’s system to help you determine if it’s “worth the risk” to engage in unprotected sex.
And what should you do when it comes to considering “taking it there” with a new potential partner? That is an excellent question. Excellent, indeed.
3 Things to Consider When It Comes to Talking to a Prospective Partner About Herpes
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The video above (via@bianca.ordonez_on TikTok)? I mean, talk about a roller coaster of emotions while listening to her, right? There are three main reasons why I thought it was important to share it, though. For one thing, pretty much every article that I read on how to act responsibly when it comes to having herpes (as it relates to being sexually involved, that is), said that you absolutely should disclose that you have it and so, I’ll say this: an apathetic partner, only any level, isn’t someone you should be sleeping with.
Two, one day, I may pen a piece on the stigma that continues regarding HIV. For now, I will say that I thought it was important to share what Bianca had to say because havingherpes increases your chances of becoming diagnosed with HIV (during an outbreak most of all). And three, although jarring, Bianca makes a valid point about not making assumptions and your health needing to be your own top priority.
It’s time out for someone not “looking like” they have an STI/STD. If you’re not willing to have some grown folks conversations before engaging in sexual activity, then you need to wait until you are.
Keeping all of this in mind and circling all the way back to the woman in the intro of this article, how should you approach bringing herpes into the discourse when you’re seeing someone new?
1. Intimate conversations are for intimate situations. As much as social media wants to depict otherwise (SMDH), sex, even in this day and age, should be seen as an intimate act — and words that define intimate include “very private,” “warm friendship” and “close personal relations." So, unless nothing but casual sex is what you’re after (and if so, you definitely need to let your partner know that you have herpes ASAP), there’s no reason to lead with your health diagnosis, right off the bat.
I mean, how do you even know if they are someone who you want to be sexually involved with? And so, to disclose something that private? It could be way premature. Besides, if it gets to that point, some STI/STD testing needs to be transpiring, in both directions, anyway. So, if it looks like things are getting to where sex (any kind of sex) is going to go down, that is a good time to bring up testing as well as your health issue. Based on how they handle it, that can reveal a lot about whether or not they are someone who you should be “engaging” with, anyway. Real talk.
2. If you don’t trust them enough to talk about it, why trust them with your body in the first place? If you read what I just said and are like, “I hear you but…I’m still really uncomfortable” — that’s normal and human. Really, though, sis — if you can’t trust him enough to talk about having herpes, do you really trust him at all? And if you don’t, why is sleeping with him even on the table (right now) in the first place? Not only that but, although it is certainly everyone’s right to think and feel whatever they do about herpes, oftentimes sharing can be a teachable moment.
What I mean by that is, anyone who stares in disgust or tries to make you feel bad, it’s evident how ignorant they are about it. If anything, it could be a good time to educate them on HSV-1 and HSV-2 because, with the statistics revealing just how widespread herpes is, should they choose to remain sexually active with multiple partners, there’s a good chance that this exact conversation will come up…again.
3. Apply the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I’ll close out with this one. Now that you know what you do about herpes, if you were newly dating someone who had it, when would you like to know? Also, does oral herpes vs. genital herpes make any difference as far as when you prefer to have the intel revealed? I don’t have HSV-1 or HSV-2. I have thought about how I would handle this type of situation, though. For me, if we’re going to kiss, we should talk about HSV-1.
On the other hand, if you have HSV-2 and there is absolutely no oral and intercourse going on, it can wait until we’re at the point of entertaining it. Again, I get that it’s personal information and so, unless it will affect/impact me directly, I respect it remaining as such. Everyone is different, though, so think about how you would want things to be handled if the shoe was on the other foot. If you’re being honest and not shirking responsibility, that oftentimes will reveal the best route to take.
___
Herpes has no cure, so yes, it’s serious. Yet you know what, y’all? Sex can create babies. Sex can give you other infections. Sex can potentially break your heart. That means that sex, period, is serious. And serious actions need to have serious conversations — before engaging in them.
Let that be the greatest takeaway of all — whether you have herpes…or not.
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- 10 Ways To Make Using A Condom So Much More Pleasurable ›
- What Does It Truly Mean To Engage In 'Safe Sex'? ›
- You Like Having Sex With Him. Your Vagina Doesn't. What Should You Do? ›
- How To Handle The Shock Of A Herpes Diagnosis, From A Woman Who’s Been There ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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How 10 Couples Reignited Their Sex Lives After Facing A Sexless Marriage
No matter which client (of mine) you talk to, if you were to ask them about one thing that I’m going to inquire about, during pretty much every session, it’s how their sex life is going. There are a ton of reasons why; however, the main one is because, when two people sign up to share their lives, intimately, only with one another until death parts them, a part of what comes with that is well, a consistent sex life— and if sex ain’t happening, that ain’t good; this includes if it’s only happening 10-15 times a year because that, my friends, is considered to be a sexless marriage.
Now if you’re married (or planning on getting married) and you’re wondering how often you “should” be sleeping with your partner (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?”), research says that (at least) once a week (or four times a month because…you know…life) falls into the category of being a “healthy marriage.” Why? Because at least this often shows that you are prioritizing intimacy, quality time, and even pleasure with (and for) your partner.
So, you know what that means, right? If it’s less than this, it could be a telling sign that you’re doing quite the opposite — and y’all, when sex is suffering in a long-term relationship, it’s only a matter of time before other areas do as well…because if there is no intimacy, quality time or pleasure transpiring, does that sound like a happy place for spouses to you?
And although (and oddly), a sexless marriage isn’t blatantly listed as being a formal cause for why couples divorce, the reality is that many folks will end their marriage under the grounds of “irreconcilable differences” when really, what they are saying, is the intimacy is lacking — and they’ve had enough. Case in point: I once read an article that said that out of 18,000 people who were surveyed, 13.5 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in five years or more. FIVE. DAMN. YEARS. Y’all, that’s not thriving or even living in a relationship — that is barely existing.
That said, because things like different sleep schedules, shifts in sex drives, and even boredom or laziness can cause spouses to put sex on the back burner, if you just read all of this and thought, “Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage right now” — before you do anything else, read how the following 10 married couples got through their own season(s) of a sexless marriage. It could help you to figure out what needs to be done in order to get your own relationship out of its current sex rut…for the sake of your intimacy needs and your marriage.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. David and Chrystiana. Married 11 Years.
GiphyDavid: “People like to make this complicated when it’s pretty simple: what you prioritize, you’ll do. The reason why so many single people have a lot of sex isn’t because they don’t have lives and aren’t busy; it’s because they prioritize it. When you’re married, it’s easy to take sex for granted since your partner is in the bed with you every night. Before you know it, a week [of no sex] has turned into three. But just like food, sleep and your favorite streaming show matters to you, you can find a way to make sex happen. My wife and I had to choose to see it this way — then things started to change for the better.”
Chrystiana: “He’s right. When you’re single, especially when you live alone, you plan sex. When you’re married, so many other plans get in the way that you can forget to plan sex. It’s not that you don’t like it, want it, or miss it — it’s just that there is only so much time in the day. Some people frown on a sex schedule; it’s worked great for us. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we have sex, and because it’s on the schedule, the rest of the days give me time to get ready for it, so that it doesn’t just ‘happen’; it’s an event.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.”
2. Benson and Denyse. Married for 16 Years.
GiphyBenson: “We weren’t each other’s first but we did wait until marriage to have sex with each other. We should’ve talked about sex more before marriage because I assumed that we were on the same page — and we weren’t. [My wife] is very affectionate but she can kind of take or leave sex, so that meant that I had to up the foreplay. It’s not that I wasn’t someone who didn’t ‘warm up the engine’ in the past; it’s just that she needs way more than even 30 minutes, so I’ve come up with creative ways to make that happen. That has made her more interested in intercourse which has made sex more consistent over time. Talk about sex prior to jumping brooms. You and your spouse could end up riding some if you don’t!”
Denyse: “I’ve always been more affectionate than sexual, so I have always liked to cuddle, even naked, more than the act of intercourse. What I had to accept is, when you’re married, it’s not just about your preferences and what you want. I think that’s why a lot of folks don’t go the distance: they are selfish and only care about their own needs. You asked about sex, so I’ll stay focused. If you’re like me and you like sex but you love intimacy outside of sex, tap in with your spouse to see what their needs are. My husband is fine having sex a few times a month and so I make sure that he gets it. Sometimes people are in a sexless marriage because they don’t see what their partner wants and their partner doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up all of the time. That’s fair [for them to feel that way]. You need to initiate sexual conversations.”
Shellie here: Check out “These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)” and “Want Your Man To Be Better In Bed? Give Him A Book.”
3. Nassir and Payten. Married for Seven Years.
GiphyNassir: “My wife will probably tell you that it was shaky at first because sex was something that she would use to get me to do things — or not do them. After a while, I got tired of that and I resorted to masturbation because it was less drama to deal with. You don’t want to be the solution, though, because you can easily look up and it’s been weeks without sex. Whatever is wrong, talk about it. Don’t use sex to hint around about other issues.”
Payten: “I hate to admit it but I’m not alone — my girlfriends tell me so. Back when I was single, I used to use sex as a weapon. Not that I don’t like sex — I like it A LOT. I’m saying that when a man would piss me off, I would withhold sex and when you’re married, it can’t work that way. You can’t expect a man to promise you faithfulness and you turn around and not give him any whenever he doesn’t clean the kitchen. It’s childish but it also creates a wedge. During the first 16 months or so of our marriage, I was being a ‘sex brat’ and it was really causing my husband to resent me. Then we went on a marriage retreat where I learned that weaponizing is what I was doing. Now I’ve learned how to communicate my frustration instead of withholding sex. It corrects the issue quicker and it keeps walls from going up in our relationship.”
Shellie here: Check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why.”
4. Vernon and Evelyn. Married for 20 Years.
GiphyVernon: “I think that every couple goes through a sexless period; the red flag is why that’s happening. Is it due to illness or scheduling or is it because there’s a lack of connection in the marriage. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably gone without sex at least a dozen times but it’s three or four that I can think of that caused us to go to counseling. That’s my advice: figure out why the two of you aren’t having sex and then seek a professional if you need help getting back on track.”
Evelyn: “People talk about menopause when they need to be talking about perimenopause. The last two years before my period stopped, completely, my hormones were all over the place. The bloating made me not feel very attractive, my vagina wasn’t responding like it used to and for a minute there, I thought my orgasms had completely disappeared. He’s right, see a therapist for the emotional stuff but all women should see their doctor to get their hormone levels checked once they enter their mid-40s.”
Shellie here: Check out "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" and “Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."
5. Christopher and Jenavieve. Married for Nine Years.
GiphyChristopher: “Sex is what keeps you from seeing your spouse as a roommate — and that’s easy to do if you’re not careful. I’ll let [wife’s first name] tell you how long we went without it one time, but it was a long while. We weren’t mad at each other — we just started to act more like best friends and less like lovers. I don’t talk about this a lot but the few people who do know ask if either of us cheated. I mostly watched porn which creates its own issues. Bottom line, your spouse shouldn’t become ‘just a friend.’ Prioritize sex so that never happens. Your marriage is in some serious trouble if you do.”
Jenavieve: “For about three years of our marriage, we basically went without sex. The worst part about it to me is when I brought it up to some of my girlfriends, they acted like it was no big deal due to not having sex with their husbands either and that just made it easier to keep going. Since we weren’t really fighting and there was still some affection, we let it slide longer than we should have. Eventually, he got into pornography and I had an emotional affair — both are no better than [physically] cheating, in my book and both happened because we weren’t having sex. If you’re married, have sex to protect your marriage.”
Shellie here: Check out “5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It."
6. Paul and Apryl. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyPaul: “I see sexless marriages differently. Even if you’re having sex regularly, if your needs shift or one or both of you aren’t really enjoying it, having sex on a technicality shouldn’t count. There have been a couple of times when we’ve gone sexless because of that. The first time, we didn’t talk about it and that made us both resentful. The second time, my wife brought it up and we talked through it. Never think that what worked on your wedding night or fifth anniversary will work in the moment. People change and sexual needs can too.”
Apryl: “I agree. Does sex count, fully, if body parts come together but no one is really satisfied? After about our seventh year, we started taking sexcations, buying books and listening to podcasts about sex, and, thanks to you, creating bucket lists every year. It can be easy to have a ‘If it worked before, it should work now’ approach to sex when you’re married and that’s what can drive a wedge in between you. Never assume that your partner is satisfied. Ask.”
Shellie here: Check out “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation” and “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”
7. Davis and Ireland. Married for Four Years.
GiphyDavis: “I don’t know how many men read your articles but some of us have wives whose sex drives we totally underestimated. Sh-t, for the first year or so, I felt damn near emasculated because I thought that my drive was high but [my wife] has me all the way beat! For us, while we’ve never really had what you would say is a ‘sexless marriage’, we did have trouble in our sex life because I wasn’t always in the mood when she was and that was bothering her. I know you say that a sexless marriage is sex that’s only 10 times a year, but I think there’s also the kind where your partner needs more than you are giving. Couples need to find compromise with that. It can cause problems later on too.”
Ireland: “If you are like me and you want sex more than your man does, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with either one of you. Society makes us think that all men think about is sex all of the time and that’s just not true. What I had to learn is he’s the one who needs more foreplay and ‘warming up’; his system calls for it. And, when he’s not in the mood, that doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t enjoy sex with me when we do have it. Do talk about those things before marriage, though. It totally threw me for a loop at first because we didn’t.”
Shellie here: Check out “If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.,” “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?” and “Fast Or Slow Sex: Which Does Science Say Is Better? (Girrrl...).”
8. Frederick and Dannika. Married for Six Years.
GiphyFrederick: “Go to premarital counseling. If your counselor doesn’t spend a good portion of time talking about sex, find another one. I’ll let my wife take it from here.”
Dannika: “We’ve never told anyone that the first year of our marriage, we barely had sex after our wedding night. Even though we weren’t virgins when we got married, we didn’t have sex with each other and because we were so focused on not doing it, we didn’t talk about sex much because we thought that it would tempt us into doing it. That was a huge mistake because we both had totally different expectations. I’m more of the romance/rom-com kind of sex person and he is, I’ll just say more adventurous. It took us about three years to find a way to meet in the middle.”
Shellie here: Check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner,” “What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex” and “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex.'”
9. Goran and Kaia. Married for 15 Years.
GiphyGoran: “I travel a lot for work — probably around 35 percent of the time. Then when I’m back home, it’s catch-up time with kids and bills and stuff to do around the house. By the time it’s time for bed, all we want to do is go to sleep. The thing that you have to be careful of is, even if you are ‘too busy for sex,’ if you go without it too long and then the urge hits you, that’s when you can put yourself in some vulnerable positions. About five years into our marriage, we set a precedent that we would never go longer than 10 days without sex, no matter what. It’s one of the best decisions that we ever made.”
Kaia: “My husband traveled a lot before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting so much into my own groove while he was gone that he damn near was ‘wrecking my flow’ of things whenever he got back. Sometimes, he would want to have sex immediately and I would need a day to get used to him being back in the [house] space. My primary love language is words of affirmation, so sexting was a type of foreplay that helped to get me ready for his arrival. It’s one of my favorite types of foreplay to this day.”
Shellie here. Check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” and “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now.”
10. Radford and Orla. Married for 26 Years.
GiphyRadford: “I’ve got enough years in my marriage to tell you that if you have sex for the same reasons as a married person that you did as a single person, not only will you go through sexless moments often, you will probably end up divorced. Sex, in marriage, isn’t just about recreation. Sex is a sacred experience that connects you with your spouse in a way like nothing else. I can say this because years ago, we would have months when we would go without sex. It took maturing about it on a mental, emotional and spiritual level to learn that it’s not just about ‘getting off’; sex is about tapping into your spouse and bonding with them in a potent way that way. Look at sex like that and you will do your damnedest not to end up sexless. Your marriage won’t survive it.”
Orla: “If you’ve heard somewhere that sex gets better with time in a marriage, that’s true. If you had sex before getting married, the first few years of your marriage, you can go in with the same surface mindset about it — have sex, get an orgasm, end of story. Go through some things, see that your husband isn’t going anywhere, and the intimacy of sex goes way deeper and is more satisfying. And when you’re grateful for that kind of love, you want to express it with your husband as much as possible.”
Shellie here: Check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important.”
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Author Sheila Wray Gregoire once said, “Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.” Goodness y’all, if all married couples took this quote literally and seriously, imagine how much less sexless marriages would be an issue.
Are sexless marriages common? Hmph, common enough. Can they be prevented? 8.5 times outta 10, absolutely. These 20 married people provide some wonderful insights into how. I hope you will take their great wisdom to heart — in and out of your bedroom.
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