Thirteen days is the number of days between my last period. It is slightly depressing, especially since it took me five years to get to the 21 days I enjoyed between each cycle for the past year. It is less about an irregular period and more about the glaring truth that something is wrong with me. Combined with debilitating fatigue, migraines, and a host of gut issues, there is no way to hide from my body's need for a reprieve.
I've tried for many years to figure out what's wrong with me, from doctors to specialists, homeopathic remedies, and following a FODMAP diet - an elimination diet of food that causes gas, bloating, stomach pain, diarrhea, and constipation. I've had some progress, but nothing that sticks. It feels like I'm in a never-ending episode of The Twilight Zone, haunted by an undiagnosed illness.
One thing for sure, I know I'm not crazy. The pain I feel is real.
Now that it's affecting my daily life, I feel more responsible for figuring out the cause. The most menial tasks feel like a mountain of work, and my energy drops so low that all I can do is sleep. My projects and collaborations have suffered as a result of what's going on. As a certified life coach, my job is to help people fix their lives, but what happens when I'm depleted, sick, and tired? Who helps me? I turn to trusted professionals, and I feel let down. I know getting tested offers hope at what might be wrong, but it is not a panacea to managing my symptoms.
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The healthcare system has a history of implicit bias towards patients based on their race and gender. To be a Black woman means my experience with some healthcare professionals has left me thinking whatever I'm feeling is all in my head after I receive negative test results. The Today Show reported the following:
"A 2016 study found that nearly half of first and second-year medical students believed that Black people have thicker skin than white people, and perceived Black people as experiencing less pain than white people, an idea born from 19th-century experiments that were conducted by a (white) physician named Thomas Hamilton."
This is one of the many reasons Black people and people of color feel like their pain is not taken seriously. As a result, some people choose not to share their symptoms with doctors or take matters into their own hands.
When it comes to healing your body, you have to be all in it. There is no all-in-one-type of approach to personal health. It means you are in the driver's seat navigating the path to making conscious decisions to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. You have the power to ask for more information when discussing your issues with physicians and choosing the best care provider for your needs.
That means it's OK to find another doctor that can communicate better, where you can build mutual trust and respect.
If you are currently undiagnosed and feeling miserable, I see you. I know you can feel overlooked, even with a lot of evaluations. You have to remain hopeful that one day you will find the cause of your pain. Until then, find a support system that recognizes what you're going through and empathizes with it. You could use cheerleaders, people who will cheer you on during tough times. Educate yourself on the symptoms you're experiencing.
I find it extremely helpful to keep a record of my symptoms. No detail is too small, especially when you're early in your journey. You may go down the WebMD rabbit hole, so take everything with a grain of salt. It may also be worth implementing a plan to work around fatigue. I start projects earlier than usual and jot down notes rather than creating big picture messaging, which can take longer and require more focus than I have. It keeps my work current without compromising deadlines. And if you need more time, ask for it, don't wait until the last minute for fear of retribution.
Last but certainly not least, be aware of the seriousness of depression. Although you may not be experiencing symptoms at this moment, depression is one of the most common complications of many chronic illnesses. Be kind to yourself during these moments.
Protect your energy by removing things that don't serve you. Your health is the priority. You cannot help anyone until you take care of yourself.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Tasha Smith On Why Your Self-Worth Is Your Greatest Asset In Relationships
If the definition of BOOM needed a photo next to it, it better be Tasha Smith’s face.
Tasha Smith, 53, the actress known for her captivating performances and outspoken personality, has become a beloved figure in the entertainment industry. Her portrayal of the fierce and fabulous Angela in the hit movie Why Did I Get Married? is nothing short of iconic.
Beyond her role in the Tyler Perry film, Smith has established herself as a versatile actress with a range of impressive credits to her name. She has consistently delivered powerful performances in both film and television, showcasing her ability to embody complex characters and bring their stories to life.
Off-screen, Smith is equally captivating. She is known for her candid and outspoken nature, never shying away from speaking her truth. Her authenticity and willingness to address important issues have made her a role model for many.
Lucky for us, she brings that authentic energy no matter the occasion. Tasha had us saying “Amen” and “Amen again” while listening to a resurfaced interview with Donni Wiggins on theFully Transparent podcast. There, she talked about starring in Bad Boys: Ride or Die, working with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, and being a powerhouse.
One commenter shared, “Tasha Smith needs to have her own talk show and or motivational conferences!” and we couldn’t agree more. Keep reading for some gems that stuck with us!
Tasha Smith On Self-Worth and Resilience:
“Don’t let any man burn you out or make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t take 'no' from anybody. Period. I mean it, honey. When things go wrong, don’t stay down for too long. Let the comeback be quick and big, honey. Big. We’re resilient. We are.”
On Understanding Your Value:
“You have to understand your value. Sometimes, when things don’t go right in relationships, we, as women, tend to blame ourselves. But why does that have to be the case? I remember talking to a woman who said her guy cheated on her. I told her, ‘He didn’t think he was good enough for you.’ She looked at me confused, and I said it again, ‘He cheated because he didn’t think he was good enough for you.’ That behavior has nothing to do with you—it’s about him trying to feel better about himself.”
On The Power of Boundaries:
“If we understood our value, we’d have more boundaries, and we wouldn’t accept so much. You know what I mean? Because, honestly, we create bad behavior by what we allow. Women ask, ‘Why does he keep doing that?’ Well, because you keep letting him. The apologies are working, and those apologies come with more demonic ones.”
On Breaking the Cycle of “Sorry”:
“Once you get delivered from one 'sorry,' if you keep the door open, more will come in—stronger and harder to overcome. Before you know it, you’re stuck in that 'sorry' space. If you truly understood your value, you’d be quicker to walk away.”
On Moving Forward with Self-Respect:
“For me, at this point in my life, I’m not spinning the block anymore. You can’t just keep spinning the block. You have to have self-respect, boundaries, and a sense of your own worth. If you don’t value yourself, trust and believe a man won’t value you either.”
Watch the podcast interview in full below:
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Featured image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images