One day, I randomly — or maybe not so “randomly” — stumbled upon some information about our bodies and how they age. If you want to check the article out for yourself, you can read it here.
The gist was addressing the fact that while some people think that our bodies “turnover” every seven years or so (as far as cell renewal goes), the reality is that parts like our skin and gut renew themselves (again, cell-wise) every few months while our heart and skeletal system typically take more than seven years to “flip.”
That got me thinking about the number seven, in general — which sent me down a bit of an online research rabbit hole. For instance, another article that I read came via Harper's BAZAAR’s website: “Have you checked in with your seven-year cycle?”
It was published a couple of years ago and touched on the fact that since “7” is a number that is reflected in things like nature, religion, and even art, why shouldn’t we look at holistic aging as a cycle of sevens, too?
I mean, since seven biblically represents completion, the angel number 7 means things like introspection and hidden truths, and even certain things about nature revolve around seven (like the rainbow has seven colors — Genesis 9:12-13) — imagine if we did actually look at our lives (along with the things that happen in it) in cycles of seven?
And that got me looking for some intel on relationships (as far as the number goes). When it comes to marriage, most of you have probably heard of the seven-year itch before; it’s the belief that around the seven-year mark, one or both spouses will find themselves becoming either restless or dissatisfied to the point where they may consider splitting up during that time, more than any other, in their marriage. Okay, but what about friendships? Does seven mean anything in those types of dynamics?
Good question and actually, I did find something rather fascinating when it comes to that specifically. Check it out, and then hop in the comments to let me know what you think. Apparently, seven years may hold more weight with your homies (or former homies) than you might think.
What “7” Does to Friendships (According to Science)
GiphyBack when I was in my 20s and the early part of my 30s, I’ve got to admit that I encountered some semi-devastating shifts in some of my friendships. And listen, if you think that I’m exaggerating on the devastating tip, you should read articles like TIME’s “Why Ending a Friendship Can Be Worse Than a Breakup,” HuffPost UK’s “Why Friendship Breakups Can Be More Devastating Than Romantic Ones," or xoNecole's "My Female Friendships Were The Most Heartbreaking & Loving Relationships Of My Twenties."
Depending on how long you’ve been friends with someone, what causes the friendship to end, and/or how the friendship ended, the experience can damn near take your breath away.
I think a part of the reason is that most of us don’t see our friendships having an expiration date; in our minds, if we decide to let our guard down and call you “friend,” we expect you to be around for the long haul. However, when that doesn’t happen, sometimes we simply aren’t prepared for that, and so it ends up feeling like a punch to the gut (check out “How To Heal From A Broken Friendship” and “What It Takes To Heal A Broken Friendship.”)
As far as what was going on with me and my friendships personally, I think my (biggest) issue was I had a pattern of picking people who reflected some of the dynamics that I had with certain relatives. Therefore, so-called friends would suck at taking personal accountability and oftentimes would get ghost (check out “I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend”). I also had friends who appeared self-confident (because most of them were physically beautiful) and yet either had really low self-esteem or low-key jealousy issues (check out “5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You” and “Your Friends Are Thriving. You? Not So Much. How To Deal.”).
Not to mention that many of them liked to play the victim a lot (check out “It's Time To Get Out Of The 'Drama Triangles' In Your Relationships” and “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”). Yet again, I get why I gravitated towards a lot of that because I was used to that type of energy being in my space; it was familiar to me even though it wasn’t right.
Once I recognized all of this for what it was, I switched up how I moved in friendships, and honestly, I haven’t had any friendship drama in quite some time (praise the Lord!). Come to think of it, the last time (and that was because I “took a hit” to protect a friend), ironically, was probably about seven or so years ago.
SEVEN. YEARS. AGO. Hmm. Is that a coincidence? Not according to science. For instance, one study that was conducted between individuals aged 18-65 shared that while 30 percent of individuals still had the same friends, 48 percent did not. Over what span of time? Seven years.
For the record, these findings pretty much stated that the seven-year change was mostly due to convenience and opportunity more than anything else.
In other words, if people change jobs, move, or even enter into a relational status where they are around a different group of folks (like going from being single to being married), and that happens to be within a seven-year cycle, then their intimate interactions with people may shift based on that. Makes sense.
However, if seven symbolizes completion, hidden truths, and introspection, and if, like aging, we chose to look at friendships from a seven-cycle standpoint, could our relational transitions be about a helluva lot more than that too? I think so.
It’s Okay If Your Friendships Shift As You Do. It Really Is.
GiphyIt’s another message for another time, just how problematic it is in our culture that we’re less bothered by ending a marriage than a friendship. Vows are taken in marriage, sacred promises are made before God, one another, and loved ones — that isn’t usually the case with friends.
And honestly, from that point alone, we really need to give ourselves more grace when it comes to transitions that are made in friendships. For one thing, sometimes we become friends with people who we never should’ve in the first place — however, our trauma (or drama) or lack of understanding of self and what we actually need may have caused us to choose unwisely.
Beyond that, though, if personal evolution can cause us to change careers, life desires, or even our personal style, why can’t it also result in us having different wants in our relationships with other individuals? And if the ones who we are currently friends with cannot or aren’t willing to give us what we need, based on who we are now, why is it a bad thing to move from friendship into something else?
Because, as I say often to some of my clients, “There is a lot of space between ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’” — meaning that just because someone may no longer be a friend (especially a close friend), that doesn’t mean that y’all can’t ever enjoy a drink after work or that you have to roll your eyes at each other in the mall. You can be at peace with someone who you no longer consider to be a friend, mutually so. Trust me, I would know.
Because really, what are friends designed to do in the first place? Have you ever really thought about that before?
- A friend should encourage, support, and celebrate you.
- A friend should hold you accountable.
- A friend should be a safe space for your feelings and secrets.
- A friend should be trustworthy and reliable.
- A friend should help you to grow and evolve.
- A friend should be honest with you and help you to be honest with yourself.
- A friend should respect your thoughts, values, and boundaries — and, in many ways, complement them.
- A friend should give as much as they take (one way or another).
- A friend should not tell you what you want to hear but what you need to know.
- A friend should help to make you a better person, just by knowing them.
And to tell you the truth, based on where you are in life and the certain types of hidden truths and times of introspection that are revealed to you over time, friends may change; friends may need to change. Know what else? Based on how aggressive you are about your self-evolution, your friendships may shift more often than other people’s tend to do.
Yeah, I can speak to that as well because, as my mother used to tell me, “You are very violent about your peace and your growth.” Violent would be correct. And so, the more that I want to grow, heal, and move out of certain things, sometimes that has come at the risk or cost of certain folks no longer being in the “inner temple” of my life because they are simply focused on being somewhere else — and you know what?
I’m not being a friend to myself if I slow my own progress down just so I can continue to walk at the same pace as others. Sometimes, you’ve gotta say, “Thanks for bringing me to this point and place in my life,” and then keep moving forward…even if that means leaving them behind or that the two of you have simply hit a fork in the road and you’re going in two different directions.
Now what would be super fascinating is if coming to this point and place in your life happens on a seven-year cycle. Hey, but now that this has been (formally) introduced into your space, it’s definitely worth pondering, right? Is it that you don’t have friendships that last? Or is it more that you tend to become a different version of yourself around every seven years, and your social circles tend to reflect that? Hmm.
Just imagine if our goal in our friendships was to do our part to help individuals “complete” something in their lives as they did the same thing for us. And if that completion means that we don’t need them in the same way (and they don’t need us in the same way either), we’re not angry, embarrassed, or overthinking it — we simply accept that for what it is: the lesson was learned, the evolution transpired, the revelation was had…friend, I thank you.
Some friendships? They were always toxic.
Some friendships? Woundedness happened, and some healing needs to take place.
Others? It could just be that they completed their purpose. We should honor that with love and light and simply move on. Whether that’s every few years, every seven, or decades up the pike — so be it. As long as both people got what they ultimately needed — it’s all good. Literally.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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