

She Wanted A Vacation, So He Flew Her Out & They've Been Together Since.
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Ladies, we all know the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." We can all agree that if a man says sweet nothings in your ear, we are prone to be smitten. But when you come across a man who talks the talk and walks the walk, that is a whole other ball game that we all want to play. Such is the case with Gary and Jamilah's love story. Six years ago, the then 20-year-old Jamilah Shabazz was just attending a birthday BBQ with a friend. Without realizing it, this BBQ would act as a turning point in her life. Yes, you guessed it: her future partner, Gary Mitchell, was the birthday boy in question. However, it wasn't until the universe had them cross paths again six years later for them to really give love a shot.
Courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
When there is a real attraction between two people, it is important to seize the opportunity and not let it pass you by. Jamilah and Gary, now together for almost two years, felt something with each other they had never experienced before. This couple both valued adventure and having fun, but what made things click was the intent. Gary knew what he wanted when he saw Jamilah after all those years and made sure he put his best foot forward in showing Jamilah he was the right man for her. From supporting her dreams to flying her out for a vacation as their first date, Gary's plan to sweep Jamilah off her feet was a successful one. No gesture is too big or too small when it comes to true love.
In this installment of xoNecole's How We Met, these two entrepreneurs share the details on how they started, how it's going, and how they found true love in each other.
How They Met
Jamilah: We initially met six years ago. One of my childhood friends invited me to this BBQ. Come to find out it was Gary's birthday BBQ. Nothing really happened at the BBQ, but we did become Facebook friends. When we met, he was turning 23 or 24. So we weren't thinking about dating at that time.
Gary: Yeah, after the BBQ, we became Facebook friends and I asked for her number. We talked a little bit here and there, but it wasn't until six years later [and] we bumped into each other again when she was visiting LA [that things started]. We kept more in touch after that.
First Impressions
Gary: When I first saw her, I thought she was a bubbly type of person. I was thinking she was really nice and she was pretty chill. She was talking to a good friend of mine, so I walked over there to introduce myself. I will admit I initially thought she was a "good girl". But after talking to her, I realized she wasn't. She was friendly and had a nice voice when we were talking. I thought to myself, Maybe this could go somewhere.
Jamilah: I was so young, so I wasn't really thinking anything of him. I thought he was cute and sweet, but that's about it. It wasn't until years later, when we had the chance to hang out, that I started to learn more about his personality. We would have a really good time with each other and so I knew he was a good person overall.
First Date
Jamilah: It all started when I posted a meme on social media. The meme said, "I hate texting. Let's go on vacation next week." He responded and asked me where I wanted to go. I thought he was joking, so I just said, "I don't know," and he suggested that we could go to New York or Thailand. I couldn't even believe he said that. But he did all the planning. He had a Word document of all the activities we were going to do. I was like, "Wow, this dude is really about that action!" We actually went on a vacation together and that technically was our first date. We had so much fun. It was so magical.
Gary: I love to travel and I still love to travel, even with the pandemic. When I saw her meme, I thought it would be cool to have a travel buddy because it seemed that she liked to travel too. I was already trying to plan something for Labor Day weekend, so when she asked if I was serious, I really was (laughs). We settled on going to New York and we hung out there for an entire weekend. The first day we went to Central Park and this jazz boat ride. We also went to the Rose Mansion, Times Square, a bunch of restaurants, and had our first kiss on the Brooklyn Bridge.
Courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
"I thought it would be cool to have a travel buddy because it seemed that she liked to travel too. I was already trying to plan something for Labor Day weekend, so when she asked if I was serious, I really was (laughs). We settled on going to New York and we hung out there for an entire weekend."
Making It Official
Gary: I believe I was the initiator in making us official. We continued to talk after our date and I was really into her. I had been out of a relationship for about a year and I was ready to get back into a committed relationship. Randomly, before all this happened, she mentioned that she wanted to move to LA. I already lived here [in LA], so I mentioned that if she was thinking about moving out here, that she could stay with me until she got off her feet. It wasn't until after our date that she asked about my offer again.
Jamilah: Right, I agree, I think Gary was the initiator. He offered for me to move in with him and his three male roommates and I accepted. When I moved in, it happened to be a week before this trip to St. Maarten his family was planning on taking. He invited me and I just thought that was so nice.
The One
Jamilah: I would say that I have never felt like this with anyone else. I have never received this kind of support and so after everything I just knew it was love. [With] his consistency and always encouraging me to stay positive, I told myself I would love to have someone like him as a partner.
Gary: For me, it was the way she cared for me. I have never had anyone outside my family care for me the way she did. I just felt like we connect on so many different levels. We had a lot of similarities and, for me, when I am dating someone, I always want to date my best friend. She gave me that vibe and I thought she would make a great partner. She is like a ray of sunshine in my life.
Courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
"For me, it was the way she cared for me. I have never had anyone outside my family care for me the way she did. We had a lot of similarities and, for me, when I am dating someone, I always want to date my best friend. She gave me that vibe and I thought she would make a great partner. She is like a ray of sunshine in my life."
Baggage Claim
Jamilah: For me, [my baggage] was self-sabotage. Thinking that something is too good to be true and there were times where I would look for problems. I just had [never] seen anything like this [relationship]. I would look for things that may tell me that something is going wrong. After a while, I had to realize that, with Gary, he showed me exactly who he said he was and it's not too good to be true.
Gary: I am a really busy person and used to being on my own. Time management and remembering that I have to make time for her was a challenge in the beginning. You have to continue to nurture your relationship and make sure she stays happy. Yes, she can make herself happy, but still being considerate in including her in my busy schedule [is something] I had to learn.
Love Lessons
Jamilah: I think the most important lesson is to be happy with yourself first, before being happy in a relationship. Because in the beginning, when I moved out here [to LA], I didn't have a job or anything. I was struggling and I was thinking, How can I be a good girlfriend if I'm not happy with where I am right now? As time went on, the sooner I became happier with myself, the better the relationship was between us.
Gary: An important lesson I've learned about love is, even though it sounds cliche, love conquers all. In any kind of relationship, you are going to have your ups and downs. But as long as you remember the amount of love you have for that person, you can get through anything together. I think that is what I've learned most about love and how to know if it is real, true love.
Featured image courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and felt so deeply connected to them? Everything about the relationship was intense – good or bad? Then you might be in a part of a soul tie.
The concept of a soul tie binds individuals on a level beyond a relationship's physical and emotional aspects; it’s more than a mere connection. You can form a soul tie with anyone – lover, friend, colleague, etc.- but we are discussing romantic partners for this article. Think of you and your partner as an intensely burning flame. The flame can burn passionately to light the relationship’s way or chaotically burn everything in its path. Either way, it leaves an indelible mark on the souls involved.
A soul tie should not be confused with the term “soulmate.” The main difference is that a soul tie can be positive or negative, while a soulmate is a mutual, harmonious connection. Unlike a soul tie, a soulmate relationship is generally characterized by mutual understanding, support, and shared values.
However, the more we learn about soul ties, the more it becomes evident that they are not monolithic; they vary in nature and intensity. As someone who has experienced a negative soul tie, it is crucial to discern whether they contribute positively to personal growth or hinder you from flourishing.
If Your Soul Tie Is Positive
A positive soul tie creates a deep and affirming connection between individuals. One key indicator of a positive soul tie is effective communication. If you’re experiencing a positive soul tie, a shared understanding fosters open and honest dialogue, contributing to a sense of connection and support.
Mutual growth is another hallmark of a positive soul tie. When individuals in a relationship encourage each other's personal development and evolution, it signifies a positive and uplifting connection. This mutual support leads to an environment where both parties can thrive individually and together, contributing to the overall health of the soul tie.
Emotional security is a crucial element in identifying a positive soul tie. In such connections, individuals feel a deep sense of trust and comfort with each other. This emotional security forms a stable foundation for the relationship, allowing both parties to express vulnerability and foster a strong, positive bond. These three indicators—effective communication, mutual growth, and emotional security—underscore the positivity inherent in a healthy and affirming soul tie.
If Your Soul Tie Is Negative
A negative soul tie manifests as a detrimental and draining connection between individuals. One clear sign of a negative soul tie is the presence of emotional turmoilwithin the relationship. When the connection becomes a source of constant distress, causing emotional upheaval and hindering personal development, it indicates a negative soul tie.
Codependency is another red flag for a negative soul tie. In such connections, individuals may become overly reliant on each other, impeding their ability to thrive independently. Codependency often leads to unhealthy dependencies and can result in a toxic dynamic that hinders both individuals' growth and well-being.
A lack of effective communication is a third indicator of a negative soul tie. When there is a breakdown in communication, misunderstandings and unresolved issues can fester, contributing to a strained and unhealthy connection. In negative soul ties, the absence of open and honest dialogue can perpetuate a cycle of negativity and prevent the resolution of underlying issues. These three indicators—emotional turmoil, codependency, and poor communication—point to the negativity associated with an unhealthy soul tie.
Putting Out The Fires And Breaking Your Soul Tie
Unfortunately, my deep, intense connection only caused destruction. And despite the obvious red flags, it took a minute before I broke the connection. Why? Because I was addicted to the relationship, we both were. But it is possible to break a soul tie if and when you are ready because if you are not, pretending you are when you are not is a waste of your time.
Breaking a soul tie requires intentional and purposeful actions. Establishing clear and firm boundaries is a fundamental step in severing the connection. By limiting contact and emotional engagement with the person involved, individuals can gradually weaken the tie and create space for personal growth.
Seeking professional support is another effective strategy to break a soul tie. Guidance from therapists or counselors provides valuable insights and coping strategies. Professional assistance can help individuals navigate the emotional challenges associated with breaking a soul tie, offering a structured and supportive environment for healing.
Redirecting energy toward personal growth is important in breaking free from a soul tie. Engaging in activities that promote individual well-being and create a sense of independence allows individuals to refocus their attention on their own growth and development. This redirection of energy is essential for breaking the emotional bonds of a soul tie and moving towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.
The last step I advise everyone to go through is the mourning period. My partner and I did our song and dance for years before I walked away. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that I mourned our relationship while I healed.
Recognizing the presence and nature of a soul tie in your relationship is crucial to understanding its impact on your well-being. Whether positive or negative, the intensity of a soul tie can shape the course of your personal growth and happiness. Breaking free from a negative soul tie demands intentional efforts, from setting clear boundaries to seeking professional support. Redirecting energy toward personal growth and allowing oneself a necessary mourning period are vital steps toward healing and liberation from the intricate ties that bind.
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Feature image by JD Mason/ Unsplash