She Wanted A Vacation, So He Flew Her Out & They've Been Together Since.
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Ladies, we all know the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." We can all agree that if a man says sweet nothings in your ear, we are prone to be smitten. But when you come across a man who talks the talk and walks the walk, that is a whole other ball game that we all want to play. Such is the case with Gary and Jamilah's love story. Six years ago, the then 20-year-old Jamilah Shabazz was just attending a birthday BBQ with a friend. Without realizing it, this BBQ would act as a turning point in her life. Yes, you guessed it: her future partner, Gary Mitchell, was the birthday boy in question. However, it wasn't until the universe had them cross paths again six years later for them to really give love a shot.
Courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
When there is a real attraction between two people, it is important to seize the opportunity and not let it pass you by. Jamilah and Gary, now together for almost two years, felt something with each other they had never experienced before. This couple both valued adventure and having fun, but what made things click was the intent. Gary knew what he wanted when he saw Jamilah after all those years and made sure he put his best foot forward in showing Jamilah he was the right man for her. From supporting her dreams to flying her out for a vacation as their first date, Gary's plan to sweep Jamilah off her feet was a successful one. No gesture is too big or too small when it comes to true love.
In this installment of xoNecole's How We Met, these two entrepreneurs share the details on how they started, how it's going, and how they found true love in each other.
How They Met
Jamilah: We initially met six years ago. One of my childhood friends invited me to this BBQ. Come to find out it was Gary's birthday BBQ. Nothing really happened at the BBQ, but we did become Facebook friends. When we met, he was turning 23 or 24. So we weren't thinking about dating at that time.
Gary: Yeah, after the BBQ, we became Facebook friends and I asked for her number. We talked a little bit here and there, but it wasn't until six years later [and] we bumped into each other again when she was visiting LA [that things started]. We kept more in touch after that.
First Impressions
Gary: When I first saw her, I thought she was a bubbly type of person. I was thinking she was really nice and she was pretty chill. She was talking to a good friend of mine, so I walked over there to introduce myself. I will admit I initially thought she was a "good girl". But after talking to her, I realized she wasn't. She was friendly and had a nice voice when we were talking. I thought to myself, Maybe this could go somewhere.
Jamilah: I was so young, so I wasn't really thinking anything of him. I thought he was cute and sweet, but that's about it. It wasn't until years later, when we had the chance to hang out, that I started to learn more about his personality. We would have a really good time with each other and so I knew he was a good person overall.
First Date
Jamilah: It all started when I posted a meme on social media. The meme said, "I hate texting. Let's go on vacation next week." He responded and asked me where I wanted to go. I thought he was joking, so I just said, "I don't know," and he suggested that we could go to New York or Thailand. I couldn't even believe he said that. But he did all the planning. He had a Word document of all the activities we were going to do. I was like, "Wow, this dude is really about that action!" We actually went on a vacation together and that technically was our first date. We had so much fun. It was so magical.
Gary: I love to travel and I still love to travel, even with the pandemic. When I saw her meme, I thought it would be cool to have a travel buddy because it seemed that she liked to travel too. I was already trying to plan something for Labor Day weekend, so when she asked if I was serious, I really was (laughs). We settled on going to New York and we hung out there for an entire weekend. The first day we went to Central Park and this jazz boat ride. We also went to the Rose Mansion, Times Square, a bunch of restaurants, and had our first kiss on the Brooklyn Bridge.
Courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
"I thought it would be cool to have a travel buddy because it seemed that she liked to travel too. I was already trying to plan something for Labor Day weekend, so when she asked if I was serious, I really was (laughs). We settled on going to New York and we hung out there for an entire weekend."
Making It Official
Gary: I believe I was the initiator in making us official. We continued to talk after our date and I was really into her. I had been out of a relationship for about a year and I was ready to get back into a committed relationship. Randomly, before all this happened, she mentioned that she wanted to move to LA. I already lived here [in LA], so I mentioned that if she was thinking about moving out here, that she could stay with me until she got off her feet. It wasn't until after our date that she asked about my offer again.
Jamilah: Right, I agree, I think Gary was the initiator. He offered for me to move in with him and his three male roommates and I accepted. When I moved in, it happened to be a week before this trip to St. Maarten his family was planning on taking. He invited me and I just thought that was so nice.
The One
Jamilah: I would say that I have never felt like this with anyone else. I have never received this kind of support and so after everything I just knew it was love. [With] his consistency and always encouraging me to stay positive, I told myself I would love to have someone like him as a partner.
Gary: For me, it was the way she cared for me. I have never had anyone outside my family care for me the way she did. I just felt like we connect on so many different levels. We had a lot of similarities and, for me, when I am dating someone, I always want to date my best friend. She gave me that vibe and I thought she would make a great partner. She is like a ray of sunshine in my life.
Courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
"For me, it was the way she cared for me. I have never had anyone outside my family care for me the way she did. We had a lot of similarities and, for me, when I am dating someone, I always want to date my best friend. She gave me that vibe and I thought she would make a great partner. She is like a ray of sunshine in my life."
Baggage Claim
Jamilah: For me, [my baggage] was self-sabotage. Thinking that something is too good to be true and there were times where I would look for problems. I just had [never] seen anything like this [relationship]. I would look for things that may tell me that something is going wrong. After a while, I had to realize that, with Gary, he showed me exactly who he said he was and it's not too good to be true.
Gary: I am a really busy person and used to being on my own. Time management and remembering that I have to make time for her was a challenge in the beginning. You have to continue to nurture your relationship and make sure she stays happy. Yes, she can make herself happy, but still being considerate in including her in my busy schedule [is something] I had to learn.
Love Lessons
Jamilah: I think the most important lesson is to be happy with yourself first, before being happy in a relationship. Because in the beginning, when I moved out here [to LA], I didn't have a job or anything. I was struggling and I was thinking, How can I be a good girlfriend if I'm not happy with where I am right now? As time went on, the sooner I became happier with myself, the better the relationship was between us.
Gary: An important lesson I've learned about love is, even though it sounds cliche, love conquers all. In any kind of relationship, you are going to have your ups and downs. But as long as you remember the amount of love you have for that person, you can get through anything together. I think that is what I've learned most about love and how to know if it is real, true love.
Featured image courtesy of Jamilah Shabazz
'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images