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How To Make Going From 'Single' To 'Committed' Easier On Your Lifestyle
Here's the thing about this topic. You can read articles on this platform like "10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single" and "10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'" and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I think singleness is all kinds of wonderful. That's just why I decided to write this piece too. No matter how much your favorite rom-com, love song, friend, auntie or church mother may try to make you think that, as the late and great Luther Vandross and Gregory Hines used to put it, there's nothing better than love, when you do finally meet that special someone and make the mutual decision to become exclusive, as amazing as all of that may be, there is a bit of transitioning that must take place.
For the record, today, I'm not referring to people who are going from "single" to "committed" in the way that tax records reflect (marriage); I'm going to touch on how you can more smoothly alter your lifestyle when you've been kicking it up, making life ONLY about you and now that you've got a boo thang, you need to compromise a bit. If that's exactly where you are in this season, here's how to make adjusting easier.
Embrace That There Are “Levels to Commitment”
Before we get deeper into the details, let's first discuss the fact that when it comes to romantic relationships (and even love yet we'll have to get into love at another time), there are definitely levels to this thing. For instance, deciding to only have one sex partner is a level. Deciding to be exclusive is a level. Deciding to work towards seeing if you should live together or get married is a level. And all of these dynamics require a different kind of adjustment.
That's why, the first thing I recommend is that you and your partner talk about what type of commitment you're about to get yourselves into. Because believe you me, the expectations that come with deciding that they are going to be the only person you have sex with (with nothing else really changing) vs. pondering marriage with them within the next 12 months, those are on two totally different levels of a relationship — especially when it comes to making adjustments to your lifestyle.
Don’t Sacrifice Friends (Who Support Your Transition)
A huge red flag (that I honestly see in both men and women) is dating someone who expects you to get rid of or spend significantly less time with your friends. Matter of fact, while it really is "to each their own", I'm not big on folks who think that people in exclusive relationships shouldn't have opposite sex friends (check out "Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be 'Just Friends'" and "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally.").
Listen, some of the best people in my life are men — some are single, some are married. The ones who are in a relationship, I make sure their wives have met me and can reach me by phone/email. It's all good. And because of that, those men have benefitted my world in insurmountable ways; in part, because they are men and they see things from a different perspective than I do. So, if I ever do get to a point and place where I end up jumping a broom, I don't expect to give up my male friends nor do I expect my husband to give up his female friends. The only caveat is disrespect. Yet hey, if you've got people in your life who would disrespect your partner, they've probably been low-key disrespecting you for a minute now — whether you've chosen to acknowledge it or not.
Anyway, my main point here is if your social circle is able to remain the same, that can make going from single to a commitment so much easier because your partner will literally feel like surplus in your life rather than the direct result of a billion sacrifices that you will now have to make.
Feel Fine with Maintaining Certain Boundaries
Some people freak out at the mere thought of being in a relationship because they believe that they have to release virtually all personal boundaries when it comes to that particular special someone. The hell you say. Something that I try and make a habit of doing, every time the topic of boundaries comes up, is to remind people that a boundary is a limit — it's a way of conveying how far someone should be allowed to go. And yes, that definitely should apply to an exclusive dating situation. Realistic expectations are a boundary. Deal-breakers are a boundary. Wanting them to respect your other priorities is a boundary. Your money is a boundary. Again, going from a single situation to a committed relationship doesn't mean that you don't set limits with the person you are seeing. It basically just means that the limits you have with them may be more flexible than the ones you have with others.
Give Each Other Space to Miss Each Other
A pretty telling sign of a new relationship is you want to be around that person — a lot. That's totally understandable. Everything is fresh (which makes it intriguing). Plus, you're learning so much about them and what makes them tick (and vice versa). However, once you decide to take things to another level, it's OK — advisable even — that you step back a little bit. While initially that might sound a little odd, there is some real truth to the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You know what else it does? It helps you to keep some balance when it comes to the other things in your life that are also important.
Back in the day, I had a particular boyfriend who I actually really enjoyed spending time with. However, when we went from close friends to more-than-friends, sometimes he annoyed me because, while he wasn't a jealous kind of guy, he was kinda on the needy side. While I thought we should check in daily, for him that meant several times a day, along with us being together, most of the weekend, every single weekend. And while some of you may be like, "Yeah so. What's wrong with that?", remember that this article is about how to shift from single to committed, so I'm here to say that choosing to make someone extra special in your life doesn't mean that they have to consume all of it. Weekends with your girls. Sometimes only texting because you need to catch-up with others on the phone. Making plans that don't always include each other. None of these are a sign of something going wrong within the relationship. In fact, it's pretty healthy to be OK with missing your partner sometimes. This brings me to my next point.
Refuse to Be Suffocated
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "6 Signs You're A Love Addict". And real talk, a sign that someone is one is if they think that love (or building something in hopes that it will lead to love) equates damn near suffocating the one they are with. What are some clear indications of that? You and/or your partner constantly needing to know where the other is (these dating folks that track each other on their phones are something else to me, chile). You and/or your partner texting nonstop to the point that it's distracting y'all from other responsibilities. You and/or your partner not knowing how to have free time apart. You and/or your partner trying to low-key control each other's lives. You and/or your partner emotionally manipulating each other to get more time together or attention from the other.
If any of this is going on, while on the surface it might seem romantic, it's actually not. Nothing grows if it's not given air and space to do just that and someone who suffocates their partner actually comes off as needy and/or distrusting and/or jealous. Going from single to committed shouldn't make you feel like you can't breathe. If you do, something is up. And off. Way off.
Plan “You Time”
Y'all, I can't tell you how many times I've had a married person say to me in a session that they've lost sight of who they are. In part, because so much of them has become wrapped up in being a spouse and/or a parent. It really is unfortunate how many people think it's a beautiful sentiment that "two halves make a whole" because the reality should be that a whole person and a whole person come together to make a whole relationship.
Whole means complete and being complete is super healthy. And you know what? A huge part of what comes with being whole is being intentional about spending some quality "you time". Do some self-love journaling. Turn your phone off sometimes. Go on a solo road trip. Start a new hobby (then commit to partaking in it on a consistent basis). Take out a weekend to finish a book. Devote time to the side-gig you've been wanting to get off of the ground. Go hiking or for a bike ride. Make a standing pampering appointment. Schedule your own movie night. Sleep in.
I promise you that it's quite evident, the couples who have self-love vs. the ones who use their relationship to compensate for the self-love that they lack. And one of the main things that couples behind Door #1 do is they set aside time for only themselves. When you and yours do this, the time together is so much more fulfilling. It truly is.
Don’t Act Married…Until You’re Married
I say it (fairly) often because I absolutely believe it to be true — a lot of people get divorced because they date like they are married rather than like they are single. Which they are (single, that is). Because you know what? Something else that I say is you technically stop being single when your taxes reflect that you are something different. Until that time, why act like a wife until you are one (check out "7 Things That Make Marriage Different From Seriously Dating")?
Just like I said at the top of this article that there are levels of a commitment, it's important to keep in mind that marriage isn't just about putting on a white dress and throwing a big party — it should signify that your relationship overall, yes, went to another level. For that to be the case, there have to be some other benefits and "bonuses" that come with saying "I do" — ones that are different from simply dating another person.
While those standards may differ from relationship to relationship, as this all comes to a close, the main thing to keep in mind is going from single to committed isn't very stressful at all if you remember that you are indeed still single — just with some extra privileges and activities that didn't transpire prior to "going official". Get that down pat and the transition will be smoother than you may have initially thought that it could be. Guaranteed.
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Featured image by Unsplash
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."