Sylvie's Love was a wonderful film, serving us with an innovative and joyful Black love story just when we needed it the most, following the end of a violent year. There were so many factors to love - the glamorous retro aesthetic, the mouth-watering wardrobe, the whirlwind romance. What made it so romantic wasn't just a montage of rooftop dates, smoldering conversations, and unexpected kisses. I think we could see ourselves in the characters. Even though the movie was set in the 60s, rather than approaching their relationship as the stereotypical facades of a man and woman - sole provider and homemaker - Robert and Sylvie showed up to one another as whole human beings, each with flaws and aspirations.
One particular part of the plot resonated with me, and I'm sure a lot of women felt similarly: Our hearts smiled at how much the leads valued another's dreams and career aspirations.
Sometimes this mutual respect led to actions that caused our chagrin, like when they withheld information from each other and broke things off to avoid obstructing each other's dreams from coming to fruition. Nonetheless, the movie's portrayal of romantic affection and career aspirations coexisting in a healthy relationship really struck a chord. When I saw Sylvie's Love with a gang of girls, we collectively cringed when Sylvie's husband (who awkwardly was not her true love) for part of the movie relentlessly urged her to quit her job and uncompromisingly required that she support his career over her own.
So often women see two of our core desires juxtaposed; personal goals compromised for a lasting relationship, and goals of marriage and family sacrificed at the altar of the dream career. Like many women, I expected to delay marriage for that reason.
Though I grew up around great couples, I wasn't raised to prioritize finding a husband; I was raised to be a high achiever. I never dreaded going home and being assaulted with annoying questions about my love life. More often, I was urged by my family to take risks, reach my highest potential, and pursue my dreams wholeheartedly with no compromises. I was strongly discouraged from planning my future around a relationship because my possibilities would decrease drastically after signing a marriage certificate. I received a lot of cautionary tales filled with regret and grief over dreams that didn't survive marriage.
While the advice was earnest and well-intentioned, I internalized a creeping fear belief that when I chose to get married, I'd lose my autonomy and my life would be at the mercy of my husband's will; there was no telling what I'd be asked to sacrifice.
The Fear of Losing Myself in Marriage
I met the love of my life in college and was approaching marriage at the age of 23 - a far cry from the recommended 30. While I knew it was right and healthy, I still carried nervousness about how marriage would impact my individuality. While my now-husband exhibited all the behaviors of a supportive partner who was invested in my fulfillment, I still had trouble shaking that irrational fear that once I said "I do," a switch would flip and I would lose my path. These concerns all came to a head when I made a very out-of-the-blue, rushed decision to go to graduate school, which was totally unmanageable on top of the wedding planning, working full-time, and other commitments.
I stressed myself out, putting myself on a rigorous three-month study plan for entrance exams that would realistically require my full-time attention.
Noticing my exhaustion and dismay during a season that should've been filled with happy anticipation, a friend asked me why I was in such a rush. In that revealing conversation, I realized that I felt like I needed to get my career train in motion before my wedding day. I believed that if my goals were well underway before marriage - applications submitted and deposits paid - then I'd know they could safely translate into my marriage instead of getting erased.
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Following that revelation, I brought my concerns to my fiance. It was such a healing conversation in which he reassured me that his commitment to me included my goals and aspirations. It was easy to believe him because he had the track record to support that claim. Through college and after, he was a huge influence in me identifying my passion for writing and building the courage to pursue it. He was always so encouraging anytime I got published and genuinely present when I brought him into my world of enthusiasm about literature, my favorite editors, and the authors I love.
Before I knew I wanted to write, his own discipline about cultivating his authentic talents and pursuing his calling really inspired me to find what sparks my own passion.
Now that we are married, I'm more driven than I've ever been. Having a loving partner and home happen to make the "grind" a lot easier. Someone to cheer you on, help you get up when your alarm goes off, take charge of dinner when you're working late, give you the space to move toward your target, and hold you accountable for acting according to your values.
The one piece of advice I remember receiving about how to find a good relationship was from my mom. She earnestly advised me to hold off on committing to marriage until I found someone who valued my desires as much as theirs.
I'm lucky to say I found that.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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