Y’all…Y’ALL. Even though I am an oh-so-very-proud card-carrying member of the Gemini club, I make it no secret that my favorite month of the year is October. With that being said, I live in Nashville, and so I can’t tell you how much the October that just passed totally disappointed me on the weather front. Most days, we were still clocking at around 80 degrees (what the hell?!) easily (hmph. And some folks still don’t think that global warming is a “thing”…amazing).
Now that we’re nestled into November, I’m starting to see more fall-like weather. In fact, the day that I’m actually penning this, the high will be in the 50s (awesome), plus it’s raining (even better). Since I work from home, I adore everything about what’s happening outside because, to me, it is the quintessential type of autumn experience — and the perfect backdrop to pen a piece like this.
Okay, so getting into the spa thing. Did you know that approximately 25 percent of Americans have never visited a spa before? What in the world is going on? As someone who has been, more than just a few times over the years, the kind of pampering, indulgence, and stress-releasing that a formal spa visit provides — let me put it to you this way: if you’re someone who makes New Year’s resolutions, please add making a professional spa appointment to your list. There is nothing like it.
In the meantime, I’m going to share some things that you can do, from the comfort and convenience of your home, that can help you to create your own kind of wonderful spa-like oasis — all fall-themed, all super satisfying…on so many levels. Trust me.
Autumn Vibes: How to Create a DIY Fall Spa Retreat at Home
1. Fall-Themed Scented Soy Candles
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Something that I’m always going to have in my home is some candles. I like the sensual lighting that they provide, along with the calming scents that they offer. The reason why I’m always gonna shout out soy candles is because they burn cleaner and last longer. So, before we get deeper into all of this, let’s start with the importance of getting yourself some candles (or a new set). In keeping with the fall theme — pumpkin, cinnamon, vanilla, apple, pomegranate, pine, sandalwood, bergamot, fireside, and ginger (or gingerbread) are just some that will give your home a super cozy feeling as you’re in the process of treating yourself.
2. A Fall-Themed Mocktail
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Some of the more high-end spas are going to make sure that there is some wine or champagne along with some fruit (and maybe even a light meal) that’s ready and waiting for you. So, why not mimic that experience by serving your own self a cocktail or mocktail (a drink that doesn’t contain any alcohol in it)? It can be something as simple as sparkling apple cider or as “extra” as a ginger grapefruit refresher (recipe here), pumpkin spice espresso mocktini (here), sparkling cranberry mocktail (here), pear rosemary mocktail (here), or some non-alcoholic mulled wine (here). And that’s just a small sample of how many options like these are at your Google disposal, chile.
3. A Fall-Themed Bouquet of Flowers
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Something that I used to do at the beginning of the (traditional/biblical) Sabbath (which is Friday sunset to Saturday sunset) is get myself a fresh bouquet of flowers as a way of celebrating the “ceasing of creating” (which is what Shabbat literally means). I need to get back into that because not only do fresh flowers make any space look prettier, they are relaxing, they improve our moods, and they help us to see things in a more positive light (research backs all of this).
So, set the scene for your at-home spa day by also picking up some flowers that are currently in season. Some of those include chrysanthemums, sunflowers, petunias, roses, canna lilies, Japanese anemones, African daisies, asters, coral bells, and violas.
(By the way, if you’re gonna go the professional florist route, Saturdays and Sundays are typically when they’ve got flowers on sale, while Mondays are the day when they typically restock everything.)
4. Fig and Honey Face Mask
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Okay, so from here on out, all of the treatments that I’m recommending are ones that consist of ingredients that are in season right now; ones that you can easily make from home.
That said, let’s start with how the combination of figs and honey is really good for your skin. You probably already know that figs contain fiber that can help to keep you regular; figs are also able to keep your blood sugar levels where they need to be. However, did you also know that figs are high in antioxidants that can help your skin to produce more collagen?
Some studies say that figs are great at fighting dermatitis. As far as honey goes, there are properties in it that fight bacteria (honey is actually a really good all-natural pimple spot treatment), help to brighten your skin, and can even help to fade acne scars over time. So, why not treat yourself to a fig and honey face mask?
Recipe: Fig Face Mask for Healthy Skin
5. Or a Pomegranate and Papaya Face Pack
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Another popular fruit right through this time of year is the pomegranate. It’s a bit irritating to open up, but it’s worth it once you do. Pomegranates have a whole lot of protein in them (over four grams per serving), fiber, vitamin C, folate, and antioxidants. Eating them regularly can help fight heart disease, reduce inflammation, and even give you more endurance during your workouts.
Skin-wise, pomegranates are known to effectively treat hyperpigmentation and acne and decrease signs of aging. If you bring papaya into the skin-treating mix, it will soften the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, as well as help to keep your breakouts under control.
Recipe: Pomegranate & Papaya Face Pack for Glowing Skin(this uses the oils, by the way)
6. Vanilla Extract Skin Toner
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If you want to read the origin story of vanilla extract, it’s actually pretty interesting; you can check it out here. As it pertains to what we’re discussing today, as much as most folks only think of it as a way to flavor food, there are all kinds of health benefits that come from vanilla (in this form) as well. Vanilla extract can help to soothe coughing, decrease anxiety and depression-related symptoms, and even help to relieve period symptoms and sleeplessness.
As far as beauty goes, vanilla extract also can help to promote hair growth, slow down the appearance of aging, and keep your skin looking radiant and healthy too. That’s why I definitely had to make sure that vanilla was added to the DIY spa treatment list of recommendations. There are simply too many reasons to not overlook it.
Recipe: Vanilla Body Spray Recipe
7. Pumpkin Hair Conditioner
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Pumpkin contains a crazy amount of vitamin A (per serving) and fiber. It’s also a pretty good source of vitamins C and E, iron, and potassium. If you want to consume pumpkin for your health, it’s full of antioxidants, strengthens your immune system, lowers your cancer risk, and it can help to strengthen your bones. Your hair will appreciate this particular fruit because pumpkin is also a good source of alpha-carotene, potassium, and zinc; all of these nutrients help to soften dry hair and promote hair growth at the same time. So, if you want to pamper your hair too by also turning your spa day into a wash day (check out “Here's How To Make Wash Day Less Of A Headache”), a pumpkin hair conditioner will be delightful on a few different levels.
8. A Chrysanthemum Bath
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Without a doubt, one of the most popular flowers of the fall season is chrysanthemums. Sure, they’re pretty to look at, yet did you know that some people consume this flower in tea form because it is able to help reduce body inflammation, lower high blood pressure, and even help with weight loss? Since the properties in this flower are also high in antioxidants, and they can help to make you feel more relaxed, why not throw a couple of tea bags into your bath water?
Or, if you want to take things up a notch on the pampering tip, I found a company that sells a product that contains chrysanthemum flowers, ginger lemon, and sea salts, all for a pretty reasonable price here.
9. Fall-Scented Cuticle Oil
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Cold weather can do a real number on your hands as far as dryness is concerned. And here’s the thing — dry hands can lead to raggedy cuticles or, even worse, hangnails. That’s why it’s so important to keep your nail cuticles moisturized, even in between manicure appointments. So, while you’re in the process of doing all of this pampering, don’t forget to either pick up or make some of your own cuticle oil. It’s not hard to DIY some of it. I’ll even do you a solid by including a recipe that has an in-season floral scent in the recipe: rose.
10. Pumpkin Foot Scrub
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Thanks to the zinc, copper, and multiple forms of vitamin B, pumpkin can be really nourishing to your skin. It protects from UV ray damage (the sun is still out when it’s cold, y’all), can help to improve the texture of your skin, improves cell turnover (so that you get newer skin faster), and can soften the skin too. Keeping all of this in mind, if you’ve got dry feet and/or cracked heels, get them all the way together with an all-natural pumpkin foot scrub. When you’re rubbing your toes together (or on someone else) to keep warm at night, you’ll be so glad that you did.
Recipe: Pumpkin Pie Foot Scrub
11. Cranberry Foot Massage
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Next to pumpkins, probably the most popular fall-related fruit is the cranberry. On the health and well-being tip, cranberries are a solid source of protein and fiber, they contain compounds that help to keep your vision strong and your liver in good shape, and you probably know that they can help to treat UTIs as well. Since cranberries also contain quite a bit of vitamin C, antioxidants, and anti-inflammatory properties if your feet are exhausted and you want to give them a bit of a boost, why not massage them (did you know that foot massages increase blood circulation, ease tension and help to relieve pain and discomfort too?) with some homemade cranberry oil (with the base ingredient being cranberry seed oil)?
Recipe: Cranberry Orange Body Oil
12. Pear Lip Scrub
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I’ve always appreciated a good pear. I also like that they represent things like abundance and longevity. Anyway, they are another fruit that is in season during the fall, so try and get some so that you can get in on benefits like improved gut health, a lower diabetes risk, improved heart health, and lots of vitamin C and potassium. Since pears are also hailed as “the ultimate” when it comes to being a wonderful skin exfoliant, moisturizer, and lip treatment, that’s why you definitely should try your hand at making your own pear lip scrub. I’ve done it before and have had absolutely no regrets.
Recipe: Pear & Sugar Lip Scrub
BONUS: A Faux Maple Tree
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If there’s a signature tree for the fall season, it’s probably the maple one. It represents things like strength, protection, and endurance. You know, something that I have in a couple of rooms of my house is faux trees. I adore everything about them because they help to “warm up” my space (visually). A tree in your bathroom can definitely help that room to feel more comfortable in the most unexpected ways.
If you want to test it out and see, add a faux maple tree to that spot. You can usually find smaller ones for under $30 (on Amazon) and under $70 for “miniature” large trees (if that makes sense — an example is here on Amazon too). Stores like Michaels (here) tend to carry them this time of year as well. I promise you that it’ll be hard to get out of the bathtub of yours with that addition being close by.
BONUS: Velvet Sheets
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I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who immediately wants to take a nap after getting pampered or pampering myself. If you want some bedding that will make you feel absolutely luxuriant, how about some sheets that are made out of velvet (or velvet fleece)? They look rich, feel super soft, are hypoallergenic, pretty easy to maintain, and will definitely keep you warm on those super chilly autumn nights.
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Listen, I’m not gonna let y’all off the hook as far as booking a professional spa appointment goes. However, as you can see, indulging yourself in your own place isn’t a bad idea either. After all, your home is your sanctuary space. So, this fall, why not spoil yourself with some pampering? As the year is starting to wind all the way down, I’m pretty sure that you’ll wholeheartedly agree with me when I say that you’ve totally earned it. Amen? Selah.
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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