This Throwback Clip Of DeJ Loaf Is A Reminder That Childhood Trauma Can Affect You As A Grown-Ass Woman
Trauma is one hell of a drug, isn't it, ladies and gentleman?
While on one hand, no one truly likes pain and healing is always the goal, on the other, the brain has a tendency to crave what's familiar and for many of us, we know trauma as soon as it walks through the door. In a recently resurfaced throwback clip of VICE's The Therapistfrom 2017, DeJ Loaf said that she can totally relate and has seen firsthand how childhood trauma can affect you as a grown-ass woman.
In the intimate session with Dr. Siri Sat Nam Singh, Dej revealed that in the past, she's experienced depression but didn't know exactly what to call it:
"I just used to like cry a lot. I was going through depression, but I didn't know because I didn't know what depression was. I just thought I was dying. I think I just wanted out of just like everything that I saw."
If trauma seems to be the monkey you can't quite get off your back, please know that fear was the gateway drug. DeJ told Dr. Singh that growing up in Detroit left her in a constant state of alarm, and her panic turned out to be well-warranted after a tragic incident when she was only four years old:
"Back in the day, it was amazing. I know Motown and the good old days, but it's turned into something so rough. It seems like every part of Detroit is just like the hood, which is not safe, you know? I don't care what nobody says, like it's not safe. My dad got killed when I was four, back in 1995."
"We stayed in the projects. Um, he was just gunned down right outside in front of the house and you know, it was just tragic. You know, it was crazy."
DeJ explained that after the death of her father, her mother's depression left her unable to care for the would-be entertainer and soon after, she moved in with her grandmother:
Getty Images
"When my dad got killed, we had to move with my grandmother, who sold drugs. New environment, new lifestyle. It was different. She wasn't like the typical grandmother with a cane. She was like a gangster."
The 28-year-old performer explained that even after surviving a tragic childhood, things didn't get easier after fame. DeJ and Dr. Singh also addressed subsequent milestones of her trauma throughout the years, including experiencing loss and being stolen from. While DeJ thought that her past has given her "crazy trust issues", her therapist expressed that her feeling of defeat after trauma is normal AF and explained that affirmations may be the key to her healing.
"I think of them as seeds that you're putting into your psyche to grow. So place your hands over your heart center and close your eyes and just be there with yourself. Know it's all about you. It's not about me. It's all about you. The power lies within you."
We all have some unhealed trauma that we can stand to heal from, so place your hand over your heart and ok ladies, now let's do affirmations. *Cue Beyonce*
Repeat after me:
I love myself. I trust myself. I will be myself.
To watch the full clip, click below!
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images