As some of you know, I recently wrote an article on Black/White female friendships titled, "I Asked 5 White Women What They've Learned From Having Friendships With Black Women." The response from our readers was through the roof and it got me to thinking—let's switch this up and find out what black women think about the subject as well.
What do we wish white women understood about the black community? And what can they do to help bridge the gap?
Encouraged to dig deeper into the rabbit hole, I took the same formula from the previous article, with the same ladies, and reversed the context. So, sit back, review both articles, and let's all have this conversation.
Charliegh (L) and Rachel (R)
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Length of Friendship: 6 years
"My girl, Charliegh, is loyal, consistent, compassionate, driven and honest. She loves to travel just as much as I do, but she has actually taken more trips out of the country than I have. She goes after what she wants and is in a place now where nothing or no one will steal her happiness. I enjoy most that we have no drama, we can always disagree and still be OK. We are always honest with each other and never hold grudges. When we don't like something that has been said, it's always addressed and then we move on. I think that's important in a friendship, you should always be in a space with friends where you can be heard or be yourself.
"Charliegh has taught me to stop worrying about everyone so much and focus on myself, which is the encouragement that I've always needed. I would describe us as Erin and Jenny from [the Netflix film] Someone Great. The support Erin had for Jenny in that movie is the same support Charliegh and I have for each other. We have been through our own individual hardships and I know that our friendship has helped each of us get through them.
"The subject of race is an actual topic for us all the time. I have shared with her my experiences as an African-American woman. I love that she doesn't ignore the fact that racism exists. She knows it's still a major problem and she honestly doesn't tolerate it. I have witnessed her directly educate others on racial profiling and healthcare discrimination (we're nurses), and to see the passion and anger she has for my race when doing so, makes me even more proud to call her my best friend."
Phoenix (L) and Courtney (R)
Location: Denver, CO
Length of Friendship: 2 years
"Courtney is direct, loud, fun and no holds barred. She has done some amazing things in her career and now she focuses her life around her husband, children, a few business and non-profit ventures. She is honest and open and she is willing to listen to things where others may be closed-minded. She is female empowerment, personified. Our favorite activities to do together are talking on the phone or going out to listen to live music and have drinks.
"The best advice she ever gave me was actually about a man. She once picked up on his behaviors and quickly noted how he was not good enough for me. And she turned out to be right. Since she is so direct, she is also very observant because you can't be direct as she is and be wrong, you know?
"Hopefully, through example, I am teaching her that Black women are not this tough exterior, 'bitch' persona that the world paints us to be. I am the softer of us two. I am also trying to get her to see that we have nurturing relationships with people from our past even if it didn't work out, through my example with my ex-husband. He and I are best friends and co-parenting the hell out of our son, whereas her experience in that area is different.
"Women need each other, we need to love on each other, be sounding boards to each other, explore other cultures together and learn together. I believe that we should have interracial friendships just for the learning experience and to break learned associations about who the other is painted to be. We need to learn to love each other into healing—no matter what race.
"Courtney is one of my newest friends. I have some friendships that span 22 years, so I have always been careful about who I allow into my intimate world. Courtney is definitely worth my time and energy."
Raynita (Ray) Nebeker
Ray (L) and Jessica (R)
Location: Fresno, CA
Length of Friendship: 15+ years
"I met Jessica at the perfect time in life. I had just moved to San Jose from the small town of Madera after a huge tragedy in my life. We went to the same high school and after a while, I was finally getting comfortable with making new friends. We ended up in the same crowd that day and just totally hit it off. From that day forward, we never went a day without talking and our bond became unbreakable. I stayed the night at her house almost anytime I wanted, her family became my family and vice versa. Now, I truly knew how it felt to have a best friend.
"Jess is the most trusting, honest, passionate, hard-working person that has ever come into my life. She is beautiful on the inside and out and rides hard for those she loves. I love that I can tell her anything and know she will tell me not only what I need to hear, but also keep our conversations between us. Jess has a drive that is so admirable and infectious. She knows how to have a great time anywhere and doesn't let negativity get to her.
"Being a black woman in America is not easy. The expectations of us in this world are different than others. We go through discrimination, judgment and criticism that no one deserves. Since this is something that all black women experience, it is important to always have that in the back of your mind when empathizing with a black woman. At times, we are instantly judged by something we are so proud of; the melanin in our skin.
"And on top of it all, just when you think the world is becoming a better place, one of our brothers gets shot by another cop.
"So, ladies, smile at the next black girl you see. This will show them you are with them and feel for them even though you will never understand their pain. Our black girl community is tight because we understand what we each go through. When meeting another black girl, you instantly have this underlying bond because they know how it is to have brown skin in this world today. Black girls go through things and emotions that others won't necessarily understand.
"Jessica is and has been, that person for me. She has been there to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, vent to, and to hear the good, the bad, and in-between. Womanhood is about being able to trust. Jessica has taught me the true meaning of a trustworthy friendship and I am so thankful for that."
Keep up with Jessica & Raynita's adventures on Instagram @bestietalks!
LuLu (L) and Lucy (R)
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Length of Friendship: 1 year
"Lucy and I clicked due to a shared appreciation for listening to and creating podcasts. We spent a lot of time meeting up for quick coffees before we realized how consistent our communication had been; she felt like someone who's been in my life for the longest time. An added perk was us both working towards another grad degree together and being deep in self-development mode so we got to share ideas with one another all the time. And as they always say, the rest is history. She has become the bestie.
"My Lucy is a beautiful soul, very connected to the people in her life and always down for a mutual adventure or discussions about any and everything under the sun. She's extremely in-tune with what's happening in the world, a full-on news enthusiast and activist, for plenty of great causes. What I like most about her is her heart and how full of love it always is. She's such a brilliant mind and is an ambitious individual who's ready to help anyone out to get their life together.
"She always says to me, 'Stop digging in the trash, there's nothing for you there.' Oh, and that therapy is always a good idea. We compare ourselves to Cristina and Meredith [Grey's Anatomy] because of their intense connection to one another, but on a more whimsical side, Timon and Pumbaa [Lion King] 'cause our weirdness syncs up too well at times.
"Man, I wish Lucy truly knew how helpful her allyship is to the bigger focus of having black stories told. We both work in media and being able to celebrate diversity unapologetically and seeing how much she celebrates it, too makes a world of difference. Just her continuing on the path she's on and how aware and sensitive she is to the black community is astronomical to race relations today.
"Since we both have a strong global connection to the different countries that we've grown up in (she's bringing that Brit-Aussie-Greek-esque focus to life while I have the Southern African-Zambia-Namibia-South Africa angle), our perspective about life has a richness to it that creates an environment to process everything and anything together. That is sisterhood for sure."
Shawna (L) and Kelly (R)
Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Length of Friendship: 9 years
"Kelly is one of the most loyal people I know. She is that person you want in your corner. She knows exactly how to balance having fun and taking care of business. The thing I love most about Kelly is that she genuinely enjoys life and lives life to the fullest with no regrets. She has taught me to just live in the moment, and be spontaneous (for example, book that trip to Vegas less than 24 hours in advance), take lots of pictures, and create memories that last for a lifetime.
"I've learned to always support other women I come in contact with on a daily basis the same way I would support Kelly. And to listen before passing judgment because, as women, we have so many struggles we encounter just because we are women, and understanding that even though we come from different backgrounds and walks of life, we have to uplift and support one another, the same way Kelly and I do.
"In regards to race, I wish white women understood institutionalized racism exists. And that it is so easy to overlook because it is institutionalized. I wake up every day with the mind state that I have to give everything I have no matter what I do because, as a black person, society is already judging me, let alone a black woman. My every move has to be calculated to ensure that I defy preconceived stereotypes. It can be overwhelming because the average white woman truly has no idea to always know and think about their skin color, and how to maneuver accordingly.
"To my white sisters, your friend doesn't have to look like you for them to be your friend. Your friend doesn't have to come from the same background as you to be your friend. My friendship with Kelly has taught me that you don't have to know someone for years to have a strong bond. From the moment I met her, I knew we would be friends for the rest of our lives. We have been through the good times and the bad (really bad) times life has thrown at us but we have still remained friends. I love her and wouldn't have it any other way."
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Victoria Monét has had an incredible year. Thanks to the success of the widely popular “On My Mama” that went viral, the singer/ songwriter’s Jaguar II album debuted in the top 10 of Billboard’s Top R&B Albums chart. She also went on to headline her own sold-out tour. So, when the MTV VMAs happened in September, everyone was surprised to learn that Victoria’s team was told that it was “too early” for the “Smoke” artist to perform at the award show. However, a couple of months later, the mom of one received seven Grammy nominations, including “Best R&B Album” and “Record Of The Year.”
Victoria is currently in London and stopped by The Dotty Show on Apple Music and shared how she feels “validated” after being dismissed by the VMAs.
“It really does feel nice and validating because, in my head, the reason why I wanted to be a performer at the VMAs or award ceremonies like that is because I felt like I am at the place where I should. I would work really hard to put on the best show that I could, and I was excited to do so,” she said.
“And I guess the best way to describe it for me is like when you're like on a sports team, and the coach is like, ‘No, you gotta sit this one out.’ When they finally put you in, and then you score all these points, and it feels like that feeling. You're like, yes, I knew it wasn't tripping, but I knew I worked hard for this, and so it's been super validating to just have these accolades come after a moment like that, and I know the fans feel vindicated for me.
While her fans called the VMAs out on their decision, the “Moment” singer kept it cute and is still open to performing at the iconic award show. “I feel no ill towards them because it's just maybe that's just truly how they felt at the time, but I hope their mind has changed,” she admitted.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Amy Sussman/WireImage for Parkwood