“My stomach looks huge in this position.”
“Did I remember to take the trash out?”
“I forgot to call that client back. Shit!”
“He doesn't look like he’s enjoying this at all.”
“This doesn’t feel good. Is something wrong with me?”
“Why am I taking so long to ‘finish’?”
At some point or another, I’ve had these thoughts during sex. If you’ve ever battled distracting thoughts when you’re supposed to be enjoying sex, you are not alone! We are thinking about everything from our cellulite to whatever random noise is happening in the background.
This phenomenon is known in the world of psychology as “spectatoring.” Essentially, we are “watching” ourselves engage in sex and pleasure, while also having an anxious dialogue about everything that is or isn’t happening.
And I know what you’re thinking, “The sex can’t be that good if you’re so distracted, sis!” But spectatoring can happen even with the most skilled and attentive partners.
But why? How?
We Don’t Live Mindful Lives
All day long, our minds are going a mile a minute. We are constantly toggling between Zoom meetings and laundry, to social media and social engagements, to lengthy daily to-do lists, and back again. This creates a “busy brain” which is not good for sex! The busy brain life we live is hard to shut off once we hit the sheets. We all spend a lot of time in our heads and we rarely connect with our bodies.
Tell me if you’ve ever been driving home from work, only to arrive at your destination with no memory of how you got there. Your body may be on autopilot while your brain is off doing other things. This happens in a lot of other scenarios. Fast forward to when I actually settle down to self-pleasure or have sex with a partner, it’s hard to trigger the mind to suddenly be reconnected with the body and focus on the sensations that are happening.
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Trauma
Not all trauma that I’m speaking about is sexual trauma but a good portion of it is. If you are someone who has had some level of sexual violence happen to them, it can show up in your consensual sexual situations. This can cause you to go into a protective mode and disassociate or not feel present during the act.
Our brains are very complex, but they are also really good at trying to protect us from harm. If you are someone who has experienced harm, it’s not uncommon for you to experience disassociation, or feeling disconnected from your body.
Being Performative
Orgasms aren’t the only things people fake in bed. We fake moans, body language, and facial expressions. It isn’t always because we aren’t into the sex we are having. Instead, it's because we have a particular image in mind of what pleasure looks like. So we try to perform pleasure for our partner. And if you’re performing, there's no way to be truly in tune with your body!
Oftentimes that means not giving our bodies enough time to really warm up before sex or self-pleasure. So then we spent a lot of time in our head trying to perform! This leads to us wondering why we are taking so long to orgasm, or why we don’t feel pleasure in a deep and authentic way.
Regardless of what the cause is, I’m sure the question on your mind is, “What the hell can I do to fix it?”
Sexual Mindfulness: 4 Ways To Be More Relaxed & More Present During Sex
1. Turn to your breath.
Our breath is powerful! Deep breathing is the most underrated sex tip out there. You wanna feel more focused? Breathe deeply! You wanna experience more pleasure? Breathe deeply! Do you want to feel more present? Breathe deeply! There is a reason people pay good money to sit in silent meditation. There is a lot to be gained from intentional breathwork.
During sex we often find ourselves tensing up or even holding our breath without realizing it. And while some tension is necessary for orgasm, our bodies need to have a balance of relaxation to allow proper blood flow. The next time you find yourself feeling distracted or busy brain during sex, try taking a few deep, slow breaths into your diaphragm to help you feel more present and more relaxed.
2. Focus on your senses.
Get out of your head and into your body! In order to fully access pleasure, we need to focus on grounding ourselves in our own bodies. If you find yourself wandering off during sex, try this grounding exercise: Think of one thing you can see, one thing you smell, one thing you feel, one thing you hear, and one thing you taste to help ground you. Our five senses are an incredible way to bring us back into our bodies and we can easily use them to ground us during sex.
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3. Change your environment.
You may roll your eyes when you read this but “setting the mood” can be a game-changer. Get the lights just right, turn up your favorite playlist, light a candle! And make sure the door is LOCKED. Be free from any distractions and submerge yourself into the moment with your lover.
4. Reflect
A lot of us just roll over and continue on with our day when we are having sex. We never spend time reflecting on the sex we are having with ourselves or with our partners! To be honest, the “debrief” after sex is one of my favorite parts of sex. Sex is about pleasure, but sex is also about learning, growing, and reflecting. Try to spend at least five minutes after sex reflecting with your partner or with yourself if you’re masturbating. In an effort to reflect and connect, consider asking yourself the following questions after sex:
- What was the most enjoyable part of this experience?
- How did I show up for myself and/or my partner?
- Think of a word to summarize the sex you just had.
It’s so important to remember that no one is perfect. Above all, have grace with yourself and remember that if you don’t do all of these things perfectly, that is okay. Finding a practice that works for your life takes time, but the journey is always worth it.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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In a recent interview with Democracy NOW!, Ryan opened up about the inspiration behind Sinners, his longtime collaboration with Michael B. Jordan, who plays dual roles in the film, and why this project marks a turning point in his career.
“It’s ironic because what my grandmother and her mom before her and my mom are known for is their gumbo,” Ryan shared with the outlet. “They cook a style of gumbo that comes from Port Arthur, Texas... and this was my opportunity to make some cinematic gumbo. I took some things that might seem disparate in the description, but I think they go really well together.”
That gumbo? A moody, blood-soaked love letter to the blues, to his late uncle, and to the genre-bending power of Black art. After his uncle passed, Coogler turned to blues records for comfort, describing how it felt like conjuring his uncle’s spirit. That led him to Delta blues, and ultimately, to Sinners.
“Through my research into the music, I learned more about the music industry and how much the concept of genre is related to racism,” he said. “The classification of different types of music… even though it was the same song sung the same way, they were looking at the color of the skin of the person who was singing it and enforcing the apartheid even through the artistic business model.”
The film, in many ways, is his rebellion against that system. “I wanted to make a film that was kinda raging against the concept of genre,” Ryan explained. “Making the audience constantly question, even while they are watching it, whether genre is a music angle or a film angle.”
But Sinners is more than about transcending genres, it’s also a family affair. Ryan's wife and producing partner, Zinzi Coogler, helped bring the vision to life through their production company Proximity Media (founded in 2021 with producer Sev Ohanian). Currently pregnant with their third child, Zinzi remains an essential force behind Ryan’s work and his world. “Zinzi is my favorite person in the world,” he said tenderly.
“I’ve been around her a long time, and it still somehow feels like it’s not long enough. She knows me very well… We’re very different, which is very helpful. We got two different communication styles, two different ways of seeing the world. So in general, if I have an issue-situation that I can’t crack, because she comes at things with a different angle, normally she can crack it very easily.”
Their partnership is as spiritual as it is professional. When asked about how he got into filmmaking in the first place, Ryan reflected on Zinzi’s early support, calling her gift of Final Cut Pro the “kindest thing” anyone has ever given him.
(L to R) Zinzi Coogler and Ryan Coogler photographed at 'Sinners' premiere.
Jeff Spicer/Getty Images for Warner Bros. Pictures
And while Sinners is a love letter to the past, the business side of it is firmly about the future. His now widely discussed deal with Warner Bros. includes First Dollar Gross and IP ownership after 25 years, something that’s raised both eyebrows and excitement within Hollywood circles. “I’m not the first filmmaker to get any of these deals,” he told the host.
“And Warner Bros is not the first studio to provide these deals to a filmmaker. I think that a lot has been made of my deal in particular. I’m not totally sure why… I have my guesses, but I’ve been in the industry long enough to know what kind of deals are possible.”
When Democracy NOW! host Amy Goodman pressed further, referring to headlines like Vulture’s "Hollywood Execs Fear Ryan Coogler’s Sinners Deal Could End the Studio System," Ryan chuckled and offered a smooth but telling: “I’d rather not say.”
Still, he made it clear why securing that deal mattered:
“As a writer-director, I’ve made over $2 billion in the global box office, I’m not yet 40 years old. It’s taken a lot of time, commitment, energy, and I’ve missed out on a lot of things in my life on films that will always be owned by other people. For this one, because it’s so personal… I asked for a few things that were very important to me… Thankfully, I was able to get those things I was asking for.”
Sinners may be a film about blood, spirits, and survival, but more than anything, it’s a story of legacy.
For Ryan, it’s not just about the art or the accolades; it’s about reclaiming the stories, sounds, and soul of Black America and owning the narrative, both on-screen and off.
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Featured image by Tim P. Whitby/Getty Images for Warner Bros. Pictures