

Confess and be healed. Indeed. My confession for the day is that I used to be somewhat of a control freak. As with most things in life, there are layers of reasons why.
Many of my relatives are/were control freaks. I also suffered abuse which can make you fearful and fear can turn into control because you never want to feel like someone else is violating you again. I also have a pretty strong personality, complete with very strong perspectives and opinions; when those are not balanced by temperance and respect for others' views, that can also come across as being controlling. I used to not be the most patient person on the planet; impatient people can also come off as being pretty controlling individuals. And, according to my mom, after the standard "dada" and "mama", my next words were a full-on sentence—"I do myself, Mommy." So yeah, there's that. Plus, I can relate to a lot of what Janet Jackson was talking about in her song "Control".
When you feel like everyone is trying to run your life, in order to feel empowered, sometimes you can become consumed by that; that too can make you pretty controlling.
The reason why I'm sharing all of this is because we don't come out of the womb being super-controlling folks. Life happens and it turns us that way. That's the bad news. The good news is, if you happen to be a control freak yourself, just like you've been using all of your energy to try and run everybody and everything, you've got the power to redirect it so that you can control the only thing that you should be controlling—yourself.
How do you know if you are someone who is more controlling than you probably give yourself "credit" for? It's a lot easier to spot the signs than you probably think, sis. And, if you do recognize that you fall into some of these habits, I've included a recovery tip for each of 'em. There's no time like the present to break free!
You’re Always Right. Everyone Else Is Usually Wrong.
There are three things that I think social media has created more of—trolls, narcissists and control freaks. On the control freak tip, it's like so long as you're agreeing with someone, it's all good. Oh, but the moment that you have an opinion that is contrary to theirs, suddenly it's time for you to be berated, denounced and canceled.
There's not enough time or space today to get into the fact that if you can't handle an opposing view without going on the attack, it tends to come off as a form of insecurity more than anything else. But what I will say is it is its own form of being a "mean girl" and extremely controlling if you somehow believe that you are the one who is always right and everyone else is always wrong. For one thing, that perspective is steeped in a profound level of delusional thinking. Secondly, not everything on the planet garners a right or wrong. Some things are just…different. And all of us are just that—different.
Recovery tip: Learn how to listen. Accept that not everyone is going to agree with you and that's fine. Oh, and if you're a pop-off on social media, take a fast from time to time. Sometimes it's better to grow than to be right. Hearing others out will help you to do that.
Everyone Should Respect Your Boundaries. Meanwhile, You Can Railroad Theirs.
Is it just me or are some of the nosiest people on the planet also the most private? It's like they have no problem asking you anything and everything about your life, but the moment you inquire about theirs, on any level, suddenly they are cryptic and vague (if not flat-out annoyed). This is one example of what it means to deal with someone who wants their boundaries respected, even though they choose to totally disrespect yours.
Boundaries are limits. Control freaks couldn't care less about them because any limit that stands in the way of them saying or doing what they want is one that they will totally ignore.
It's basically like they have a sense of arrogance and entitlement simultaneously. They also tend to be pushy and overbearing. An example of this would be our current president. If that visual doesn't make you want to do some quick reassessing, I honestly don't know what will.
Recovery tip: One of my favorite quotes is something a writer by the name of Anne Lamott once said—"'No' is a complete sentence." If someone tells you "no", respect that (this includes respecting that any explanation they give you beyond the "no" is privileged information; you are not owed it). Also, if you have been railroading people for so long that you don't even know what a boundary is, cop two boundaries books by two of my favorite authors, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The first read is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. The second one isSafe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't. They both are total game-changers for you, and those who have been putting up with you all this time (just sayin').
You Are a Perfectionist. (Even Though No One Is Perfect.)
Signs of a perfectionist include the following—freaking out over making a mistake, being extremely critical of other people, setting unrealistic standards, having an "all or nothing" mentality about everything under the sun and being uber defensive (and that's just for starters!).
While it's OK to want to do things well, the problem with having a perfectionist mentality is you tend to leave no room for error with yourself or those around you. The problem with that is it's basically a form of self-sabotage because the reality is that you and others are going to make mistakes, you and others are going to disappoint one another on occasion, and you and others are worthy of mercy and forgiveness because of that.
Non-control freaks are fully aware of this, which is why their life tends to be a lot more peaceful and drama-free. Control freaks think that everything I just said is totally ridiculous. And that is why they are miserable (and oftentimes lonely) a lot of the time.
Recovery tip: When you or someone else makes a mistake, take a moment to assess if it's an honest misstep or a toxic pattern. Choose to forgive either way and then make decisions from that space. You'll be calmer, so you'll be able to better trust how you choose to handle the matter.
You Tend to Micromanage EVERYTHING
Is there anything worse than a micromanager? Personally, I can't think of too many things. Micromanagers are the kind of people who let you think that they trust you, but they really don't, because they've got to stand over you—whether literally or symbolically—until a task is done.
It's kind of easy to detect how a micromanaging employer acts, but if you're wondering if you have this issue in other relationships, a helicopter spouse definitely comes to mind. These kinds of people are overprotective (to the point of being possessive). They are constantly delegating and being hypercritical. They think it's their job to double-check every little thing that their partner does from cleaning the bathroom to paying a bill. In short, they act more like they are their spouse's parent than their partner (for the record, helicopter parenting isn't much better either).
Although micromanagers are pretty annoying, the root cause of their issue is typically tied to fear. Either they were raised by a micromanager who used fear in their disciplinary tactics, or they have taught themselves to believe that if they are not hovering over everything, it won't be done right or, at all. What a terribly stressed out way to live—for them and everyone around them.
Recovery tip: Work on developing trust with others. If you trust them enough to be in a relationship with them, trust that they want everything to go well and smoothly too. Also, it's time to implement some mutual respect. If you don't want anyone "helicoptering" over you, don't do it to them. It's annoying. Very.
You Don’t Know How to Relax. Neither Do Others Whenever They’re Around You.
I've got a male friend who alerts me to when the control freak monster in me is trying to rear its ugly head. When I'm about to go on some sort of tangent, he simply says, "Relax." Relax indeed. When someone is relaxed, they are calm and chill. Everything is not so rigid and tense. Their temperament tends to be pretty mild and they are flexible with things. They can compromise. They can listen. Their stress and anxiety levels are lower. They exude ease, composure and tranquility. Relaxed individuals are truly a breath of fresh air.
Control freaks are the opposite of all of this. This is a part of the reason why they might be a bit self-conscious about whether or not folks want or like to be around them. The answer is simple. If you could choose to be tense and anxious or relaxed all of the time, what space would you choose? Right and exactly.
Recovery tip: Be intentional about self-care. A lot of control freaks are like that because their minds are constantly spinning and that's because they don't implement self-care or rest. When your body is in a state of zen, it's easier for the rest of you to follow suit.
You’ve Been Told That You Are. More Than Once (or 10 Times) Before.
Remember how I said at the top of this that I was "somewhat" of a control freak? Here's another confession—the more that I've been releasing my controlling tendencies, the more I realize that being "kinda controlling" is like being kinda pregnant. Either you is or you ain't. And believe you me, controlling people are so irritating, so draining, so suffocating that no matter how much others may love them, eventually someone will rise up and say, "You are really getting on my nerves. Something has got to give."
I know more and more that we seem to live in an era of "I don't care what anyone thinks" and all (SMH), but wisdom will teach you that accountability is a lifesaver. You know what they say—if one person tells you that you're controlling, that may be a random perspective. If five or more do…yeah…exactly.
Recovery tip: Ask your true friends if you've got any controlling tendencies from their perspective. If they start off their reply with "Well, umm, see…", don't get defensive, hear them out. People who truly love you, they want what's best for you. And as a control-freak-in-recovery, there is nothing good, right or beneficial that comes from trying to run—sometimes over—any and everything all of the time. So, release some of that control and…don't.
Featured image by Unsplash.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Power Of Letting Go Of Your Need To Control
Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members
Breaking Up With Toxic Friends Won't Be Easy, But It's So Necessary
Newsflash: Your Circumstances Have Very Little To Do With Your Happiness
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Aight, so y’all can thank a friend of mine for this article. I say that because, after teasing her about how I don’t know if she loves her man or her red wine collection more, she had to pause before giving me an honest answer. LOL. And although I personally am not the biggest wine drinker on the planet, I do get why it brings her joy. Aside from the fact that various wines can provide a variety of flavors (and even textures), science has proven that, when consumed in moderation, wine is pretty good for you too.
For instance, both red and white wines are able to strengthen your heart, lower your cholesterol levels and even increase longevity while red wine, especially, has the ability to improve your gut health, reduce oxidative stress, lower your chances of being diagnosed with breast or lung cancer, less depression-related symptoms and, red wine is also considered to be an aphrodisiac (give thanks).
Even if you already knew (most of) this, what might surprise you is the fact that wine is wonderful, not just when it comes to your insides but your outsides (your skin, specifically), too. Yep, thanks to the antioxidants, tannins, and manganese that wine contains, if you apply it to your skin, it can benefit it in ways that you probably never would’ve imagined — until today.
According to the American Heart Association, men should have no more than two glasses of wine a day, while women should indulge in no more than one. Still, if you’re looking for some other ways to make wine a part of your daily routine, I’ve got 10 that can have your skin looking absolutely amazing in no time.
How to Use Wine for Your Natural Skincare and Beauty Routine
1. Exfoliate Your Skin with Red Wine
Aight, something that you may not have known (until now) that wine has in it is alpha hydroxy acid. That is good for your skin because it increases blood circulation to it, reduces the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, helps to even out discoloration, brightens your skin over time, and even aids in exfoliating it (you know, removing dead skin cells). Since red wine contains a good amount of this type of acid, why not exfoliate your skin with a red wine solution? I happened upon a red wine scrub recipe that is super easy to make here.
2. DIY a Red Wine Mask
Between the alpha hydroxy acid, antioxidants, and polyphenols (plant-based antioxidant compounds) that are in red wine, you could do your skin a world of good by also making your own peel-off face mask. HelloGiggles featured one that contains only three ingredients: wine, kefir, and honey. The kefir is a nice addition because it’s packed with probiotics and those can help your skin to be far less dry while also balancing your skin’s pH levels and even soothing acne and eczema. As far as honey goes, it’s good for your skin because it softens it, contains anti-aging properties, and it can help to reduce the appearance of pimples, too. The mask recipe is available here.
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3. Apply Red Wine As a Toner
When it comes to maintaining optimal skincare, one thing that continues to be underrated is toner. Toner is essential because it deeply cleanses your skin, unclogs your pores, balances the pH levels of your skin, and helps to soften the feel and appearance of your skin. If you mix two tablespoons of red wine with two tablespoons of rose water, the red wine will provide toner benefits, while the rose water will moisturize your skin and give anti-aging benefits.
4. Rinse Your Hair with Red Wine
Since red wine has polyphenols in it, if you’re looking for something that will clarify and even help strengthen your hair, you might want to try some red wine. Word on the street is that not only will it help to remove extra product or residue from your tresses, but it can also decrease frizzing as well. My two cents? Because wine has alcohol in it, rinse with it like every third wash day and also apply the rinse in between shampooing and conditioning — just so you decrease the chances of inadvertently drying your hair out in the process.
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5. Soothe Your Scalp with Red Wine
If you already deal with dry scalp quite a bit (check out “Stop Scratching: The Differences Between Dandruff And Dry Scalp”), please keep in mind that, reportedly, a five-ounce glass of wine is made up of approximately 12 percent alcohol. What this means is if your skin (or scalp) is naturally dry, using wine only on it could amplify the issue. The flip side to this? Thanks to the antifungal properties that are also found in wine, if you put some of it on your scalp, it can help bring relief to itchiness and irritation. Just be sure to mix the wine with something like olive oil; it will help to keep the wine from drying out your scalp and the antioxidants and fatty acids in the oil will help to soothe your scalp even more.
6. Dab White Wine on (Minor) Breakouts
It’s kind of ironic that although alcohol has the ability to alter your hormones to the point where it could cause a pimple or two (inflammation overall, if you’re not careful), applying a bit of wine to your zits can help speed up their healing process. That’s because the antioxidant resveratrol that’s in wine helps toprevent the growth of the bacteria that causes acne in the first place. So, if you’ve got a pimple that you would like to go down overnight, put some wine on a cotton ball and then dab it on your zit; you should see some reduction in size by morning.
7. Create a Skin Mist with Champagne
Champagne is simply sparkling wine, so yes, it comes with some impressive skincare benefits. For instance, since the tartaric acid that’s in wine can help to exfoliate your skin, reduce the signs of aging in your skin as well as increase hydration — using a skin mist that has champagne in it can give you all of these benefits in just a couple of sprays. Just add a bottle cap of champagne to some distilled water and a few drops of vegetable glycerin (which will help to soften your skin), and you’ll be good to go!
8. Use Champagne Cubes to “Tighten” Your Skin
Something else that champagne has in it is potassium. Since potassium is both a mineral and an electrolyte, and electrolytes help to provide your blood vessels with the nutrients that your skin needs, champagne can also do wonders for your skin if you turn the drink into ice cubes and then apply the cubes to your freshly washed skin. Apart from all of the benefits that I’ve already mentioned, the ice will help to tighten up your pores, get rid of puffy eyes, decrease the inflammation of breakouts, and help your skin to look younger and (temporarily) tighten it as well.
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9. A Bit of Champagne Might Even Out Your Skin Tone
Something else that champagne has in it is carbon dioxide (CO2). The reason why carbon dioxide laser treatments are becoming more popular is that they are known for removing mild scarring and lesions as well as evening skin tone and reducing the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Although the CO2 in champagne will not provide as dramatic results as laser treatments do, using champagne on your skin a few times a month could result in you seeing more even skin over time.
10. Drink Wine to Slow Down the Aging Process
And yes, if you are looking for a way to slow down the aging process of your system overall, science has shown that resveratrol has increased the lifespan of mice, rats, and monkeys. And so, although studies are still being conducted on humans, with all of the benefits that were mentioned in the intro — if it can do all of that and make your skin look younger, why not toast yourself with a glass from time to time? (I mean, really…)
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BONUS: Can (and Should) You Bathe in Wine?
With all that I just shared about how wine can benefit your skin, you might wonder why you shouldn’t just jump into a tub that’s filled with it. Good question. Several years back, Allure published an article entitled, “I Bathed in Red Wine and Here's What Happened to My Skin.” The biggest takeaway that I got from the author is it sounds good more than anything. And while doing something this “extravagant” would certainly qualify as a form of self-pampering, I think it is a good idea to, once again, keep in mind that wine has alcohol in it.
So, if you are going to “treat yourself,” make sure that you put no more than a cup or two of wine into your bathwater and also that you seal your skin (check out “Your Skin Is BEGGING You To Do This Right About Now”) once you step out of it.
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Martin Luther once said, “Beer is made by men, wine by God!" If you factor in that the Bible says that Christ turned water into wine (John 2) with all of what was just shared, that is definitely a fair debate. LOL.
So, whether you drink wine or not, at least consider nourishing your skin with it. As you just read, there are far too many reasons — really good ones, at that — not to.
Indulge, sis. INDULGE.
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