“You’ll lose a lot of money chasing women, but you’ll never lose women chasing money,” goes a famous quote featured in the Chris Rock movie I Think I Love My Wife. Ironically, this quote is geared towards men, but it’s a lesson my mother has been teaching me since I was a little girl.
When I was younger I fantasized way more about climbing the career ladder than I ever did about my dream wedding. Even as an adult my career continues to be something that I work hard investing in. It’s not that I’m using the fact that I’m an independent career woman to excuse any pitfalls I may have had in the past on romance, it’s just always been important to me to be able to hold my own and not have to be at a man’s mercy to have the things that I want. I believe that it’s possible for all women to thrive both professionally and personally, even if society sometimes makes it seem like we have to choose. Let’s be real, Oprah may not be saying yes to the dress anytime soon, but even one of the richest women in the world has Stedman by her side.
In addition to remembering her working hard at a hospital for almost all of my life, I remember my mom always pulling a stash of rolled up twenties from under a cat figurine on her nightstand or dipping into a separate savings account set aside in case of a family emergency. It wasn’t because she was hashing some secret “leave her husband” plan, it’s because she believed in being able to contribute equally to the household. It was important to her that in the event that if someone lost a job or some other unfortunate life surprise, one person shouldn’t hold all the weight, financially or otherwise, when it came to supporting a family. She taught me being independent isn’t about just being able to get your nails done without waiting for your man’s payday, it’s about being in love but not letting your life fall apart if for whatever reason the love ends or looks a little different over time.
When I heard the story of Barvetta Singleton, the White House staffer arrested for first and second degree assault when she fired her lover’s service weapon after a dispute, I couldn’t help but wonder about the chronic problem many women face where they momentarily lose their minds over a man and end up forfeiting their own personal success because of it. Not too soon after lottery winner Marie Holmes’ name was in the headlines for spending $9 million of her $188M windfall to bail her boyfriend out of jail not just once, but twice.
I try my best not to pass judgment on other women. The truth is we’ve all made mistakes and had moments we’re not proud of, but I must say time and time again I’ve witnessed our nurturing spirits taken advantage of by men who would never pass an opportunity to do business over being in love. And I’m beginning to think it’s our own fault.
When I first started seeing my husband as an undergrad, I remember being so sprung over that man that I would dip out early on Friday classes just to beat the traffic and make the two-hour drive to see him because he had the night off. Do you think he ever turned down some overtime to see me? Of course not, at least not in the initial dating phase. It got to a point where I had to literally cut myself off from him when I realized my grades were suffering and I was completely about to blow my plan of getting my bachelor’s degree in four years and nothing more.
Don’t get it twisted. I’m not saying you can’t lose your mind a little every now in then when all you want to do is be laid up with an Idris Elba clone you’ve just started seeing. Love can make you do crazy things. What you shouldn’t do is allow a man to come hijack plans you have for yourself that were made when you had common sense and not drunk in love. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen Facebook friends disappear for a few weeks after getting their #RelationshipGoals on with their new guy, and then after a messy break up renew their commitment to going to school or getting a promotion. Losing your mind in love is why there will always be plaintiffs on Judge Judy suing ex-boyfriends over ruined credit because of the bedroom set they bought that he’s now laid up on with the next chick. Why do some women think they can only invest into one area of their life at a time?
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It shouldn’t take you to a point where you’re willing to sacrifice your career or personal goals to pursue it. And any man you have to jeopardize your own personal success for probably isn’t worth having.
Have you ever did some crazy things in the name of love?
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In fact, aromatherapy is quite powerful when it comes to promoting calm and relaxation, helping to put you into an optimistic mood, reducing stress, preventing insomnia, and improving how soundly you are able to sleep throughout the night. And so, since I’m such an essential oils fan (and I truly am!), let’s get into 10 that will help you to rest well — thanks to the way that they smell along with a few other benefits that they are able to offer you too.
Essential Oils for Better Sleep
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1. Lavender
When it comes to essential oils that are best for you in the “rest and relaxation department,” lavender may be the most popular one. That’s because it is well known for doing everything from reducing pain and inflammation and making menstrual cramps less intense to lowering anxiety and increasing your melatonin levels. On a super scientific note, something else that’s cool about lavender oil is it works with your body’s neurotransmitters in order to reduce restlessness if you happen to be someone who doesn’t sleep soundly due to tossing and turning all throughout the night.
2. Cedarwood
Although I’ve always liked the earthy scent of cedarwood, something that caused it to earn my respect was reading about how it’s an all-natural way to improve the attention span of children who’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Beyond that, as far as calming oneself goes, cedarwood oil is able to soothe arthritic discomfort, reduce coughing (if a cold is what’s keeping you up), decrease the itchiness and irritation that comes with eczema, lower your stress levels, and, yes, improve your quality of sleep if you’re someone who happens to rest yet not really…rest well.
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3. Patchouli
Another oil that has a solid reputation for decreasing bodily inflammation is patchouli. Some other things that make it stellar are the facts that it helps to ward off depression-related symptoms (if that is what keeps you up at night), puts you in a better mood, boosts your immunity (so that being under the weather doesn’t prevent you from catching some zzz’s) and it even intensifies your libido — ‘cause chile, ain’t nothin’ like the sleep that you get after having an orgasm…or two. Oh, and it absolutely must go on record that patchouli oil also acts as a sedative if you’ve been dealing with insomnia as of late as well.
4. Marjoram
Women who are looking for an all-natural way to regulate their hormones (check out “5 Signs Your Estrogen Is Too High. 5 Signs It's Too Low.”) might want to speak with their doctor (or homeopath) about trying marjoram oil. Some research says that it can help to balance hormones which can make PMS and the latter stages of perimenopause more tolerable (which can make falling and staying asleep easier to do too). Marjoram is also helpful when it comes to reducing pain, easing digestion, and alleviating anxiety.
Plus, since marjoram is an oil that is high in magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that can help you to get to sleep, stay asleep, and then wake up feeling refreshed — so long as you’re not pregnant or breastfeeding (you should consult your doctor first if you are because it can sometimes produce side effects in your case), you definitely should give marjoram a shot.
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5. Ylang Ylang
Typically, when I think of the essential oil ylang ylang, what comes to my mind is how it can make for a very eventful evening…if you catch my drift (check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm”); however, it can actually help you out in more areas of your life than just your bedroom. Ylang ylang is another oil that helps to reduce pain and anxiety. Something else to keep in mind about ylang ylang is if you’re having a hard time falling asleep due to something like a headache or even respiratory issues, putting a couple of drops into a diffuser could bring some relief. That’s because ylang ylang is also classified as being a sedative — one that can even help to lower the blood pressure in your bae (healthy men) if need be.
6. Fennel
As a doula, something that I’m well aware of is the fact that fennel seeds can help (some) mothers to produce more breast milk. It doesn’t stop there, though. If sleep is evading you due to gas or constipation, fennel oil can help you out there. Some scientific research also says that it’s the kind of oil that can help you feel less anxious if you’re trying to rest after a long hard day. And, since fennel is known for making sleeping better when it’s in tea form, I don’t see why it wouldn’t do the same thing as an essential oil too.
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7. Valerian Root
If you’re looking for the kind of essential oil that will help you to relax, on pretty much every level, look no further than valerian root. The properties in it are going to help to calm your nervous system, soothe headache tension, lower your stress levels, decrease menstrual cramp discomfort, bring relief to hot flashes (that come with perimenopause) and yes, it’s an all-natural approach to insomnia as well. Although many choose to use it in supplement form, applying valerian root oil to pressure points like your feet can also provide a very relaxing and impactful effect.
8. Jasmine
If you check out my article, “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” from back in the day, you’ll see that jasmine is another essential oil that is considered to be a pretty potential one if you’re looking to boost you (or your partner’s libido). I get why too because its floral-meets-fruity scent can be quite sensual. Beyond the bedroom, jasmine can help you to feel less stressed and anxious, experience less menstrual-related discomfort, and make you feel less depressed — and yes, it contains properties that qualify the oil to be a sedative. This is especially the case if you blend it with another soothing essential oil like lavender.
9. Clary Sage
If pretty much nothing but perimenopause symptoms are what’s keeping you awake at night, you might want to keep a bottle of clary sage oil on your nightstand because it can help to decrease night sweats by naturally “leveling out” the estrogen that may be on a bit of a roller coaster ride in your system right through here. Other things that this oil can do is reduce stress and help to relax your system. Not to mention the fact that if menstrual cramps are what’s keeping you up, some women say that rubbing some of the oil (add a carrier oil like sweet almond or avocado to the oil to dilute it a bit, please) to your abdominal region can provide quite a bit of relief.
10. Vetiver
Final one. In my opinion, it’s kind of surprising that vetiver essential oil isn’t mentioned more in the holistic care space. For starters, it has been celebrated for providing support for children with ADHD as well as decreasing nervousness and anxiety in adults. Some other ways that this oil can benefit you is it’s the kind of aphrodisiac that raises testosterone levels while lowering cortisol ones (cortisol is a stress hormone that’s in your body) which can intensify orgasms and promote great rest — and yes, it’s also mentioned quite often in the sleep-inducing space.
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You know, I once read that since 2010, the amount of people who rely on sleeping pills to get to sleep has pretty much doubled. Since the side effects of the long-term use of over-the-counter sedatives include things like headaches, muscle weakness, digestion issues, and even louder snoring and sleeplessness, consider trying one of these essential oils before popping a pill. As you can see, not only can certain oils help to lull you to sleep — but they can help in so many other areas too. Happy resting, chile.
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