Having a work bestie not only makes your time at the office much more enjoyable, but research has shown there are tangible benefits to business outcomes, including profitability, safety, inventory control, and retention. And when you have a best friend at work, you’re also apparently more likely to see a boost in your productivity, share innovative ideas, and have fun at work.
Who doesn’t love having someone at work to vent to, partner up with for career advancement, or celebrate your professional wins? Well, that’s all good—until it’s not.
I once had a work bestie who was amazing. We’d go to lunch together, share ideas and inside jokes, have dinner at one another’s apartments, and take the same New York City train home together for happy hour. Things went left when I got promoted and had to manage some projects she’d been in charge of overseeing.
Taking constructive feedback was challenging for her, and she couldn’t quite grasp the boundaries of our new reality. She’d eventually turn on me like a rabid pit bull. I felt hurt and disappointed since I really thought she was a friend who would be happy that I’d gotten into a position of leadership that could one day potentially benefit her. Jealousy and bitterness had trumped any sort of friendship we’d built.
Sometimes, we think coworkers are our friends only to find out they’re more like frenemies, and while many women sustain great work-friend relationships (just look at Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, Kelly Rowland and Beyoncé, or KJ Miller and Amanda Johnson of Mented Cosmetics, for example), there are warning signs you can look out for so you’ll know where you stand and set the appropriate boundaries. These are the major red flags I overlooked:
1. They enjoy laughs and giggles, even when it’s at your expense.
Sharing a joke about something that’s actually funny is one thing, but if they’re making fun of your career goals, cracking jokes about your presentation during an important meeting, or downplaying your role in a work-related project, you might want to side-eye whether this is a work bestie or a saboteur. I love to laugh, but I’m very skeptical of people who make everything in life a laughing matter.
If they don’t really take you seriously in front of your face, imagine how they talk about you behind closed doors. This is dangerous when those closed doors include your managers or people who hold the keys to your career development in their hands.
2. Their in-office congratulations seem lackluster or oftentimes shady.
LWA/Getty Images
I’ve never really been a fan of people who lean on “shade” to get a point across, as I don’t deem them generally trustworthy. (I’m big on people being super-direct with me; that way, I’m clear on someone’s values, opinions, and outlook on life. They are direct yet use tact, and they consider the relevance, occasion, and outcomes before speaking. But I digress.)
Condescending communication (which is what “throwing shade” falls under) in the workplace is demoralizing and unprofessional, and a coworker who seems to have mastered this as a default communication tool needs to be left alone. They will eventually apply this to something very vital to your career advancement, and we don’t have time for that.
3. They’re super-chatty about gossip, but when it comes to important meetings, updates on future plans of the company, or important information that might benefit you, they’re mum.
I once found out a work friend was trying to be sneaky by taking a meeting with my boss to offer “better” ideas on an initiative I was named leader of. What was hilariously ludicrous about this was that I had seniority at that company, the initiative I was leading had nothing to do with her job or department, and my boss adored the work I was doing.
This so-called friend had said nothing about plans to meet with my boss, nor why, but she was sure to loudly and proudly share gossip about people who worked with us. The relationship between my boss and me at the time was so good that my boss was the one who told me about the meeting, unaware that I knew nothing about it.
All I could do was laugh, stay silent, and observe because sometimes people simply shoot themselves in the foot in the workplace, even when they think they’ve put a target on your back. Office politics are real, but some people let jealousy and overzealousness cloud their judgment, leading to embarrassment and an erosion of reputation in the long run.
4. They’re always unhappy or disgruntled about the job and do nothing to advance, improve, or exit.
This is a big red flag. In general, it’s never a good idea to hang out with the office complainer or the Negative Ned or Nelly. Not only is it a bad reflection on you, but it's a great way to kill any positivity you might be trying to lean on and attract for your career. Another side to this coin is that oftentimes—like the ex-bestie I mentioned in my initial example—they turn on you. That friend even ended up trying to rally other employees against me, putting my job at risk just shortly after I’d gotten the promotion.
Oftentimes, when you’re a manager, upper executive, or director, you no longer have the luxury of the benefit of the doubt when unhappy employees build cases against you.
At many companies, it’s up to you to answer grievances (even if they’re lies, misunderstandings, or totally ridiculous), and then you’re responsible for executing ways to improve, endear yourself to team members, and rebuild trust, even if you’re not really at fault. This nightmare of a work bestie knew this and attempted to use it to her advantage, lighting fire to gossip and twisting stories and circumstances to make me look bad.
When I think back on the situation, I remember this person being generally unhappy and constantly complaining about her workload, manager, or other aspects of her life when we were work friends—before I got the promotion.
Once I moved up the ladder, I became the villain she’d often complain about (behind my back, of course), and it was a nightmare whenever I had to critique her work, tell her no, or go in a different direction on something she really wanted to do but isn’t a good fit for whatever reason.
All the friendly, respectful vibes went out the window. She even had a child-like tantrum, crying, screaming, and locking herself in a bathroom during a work trip because she received an email she didn’t like from an executive at the company.
The best thing to do is to avoid befriending the Negative Neds and Nellys, even if they seem likable or they’re the only person you think you can vent to. You never know where your career at your current company will take you, and the lack of boundaries might come to bite you in the butt later.
5. They don’t advocate for you when they should and seem to want to be the only “one” with any sort of power at the job.
Sometimes, you think the only other Black woman in your department will be the perfect work bestie, only to find out she’s politely tolerating you and really doesn’t want you there.
A loved one found this out the hard way when while working at a company where she and one other woman were the only Black employees. She was new at the job and thought the other person was truly endearing themselves to her, but she quickly found out that the person was spreading her personal business in a plight to damage the respect others, predominantly white men, would have for her.
How did she find out? A white male coworker awkwardly disclosed his disgust, saying that he felt “bad” knowing so much about her home and marriage.
I once experienced this as well while working in a predominately white environment. I’d share personal time, and lunches, and even meet the family of a fellow Black woman in the office. We were two of very few Black employees in the entire company, and I admired her from the start—a major reason I gravitated toward building a friendship with her.
Then I’d notice that she’d overtalk me in meetings, downplay my accomplishments, and even vote against me when it came down to leading on certain projects that others thought I’d be a perfect fit for. After learning a bit about her background, I found out that she’d always been the golden Black girl—the one who had graduated among the top in her school of mostly white students, who always got called on for special events, and who was proud to be the self-appointed token representative for Black folk in watercooler conversations. She loved being the “exotic” big fish in small ponds.
I guess I was a threat as a confident HBCU graduate who was used to competing with the best of the best across multiple markets, no matter what race or culture. Funny enough, I never saw her as a threat. I thought she’d be a sister who I could be myself with and who I could build with.
SolStock/Getty Images
It’s utterly devastating to find that your fellow Black woman peer is really an enemy. And sadly, it’s a reality many women of color face. And y'all know I’m going to point out research here. According to a Harvard Business Review report, women and Black professionals are more “willing to join a team that’s predominantly male or white,” if it will help them stand out in “hyper-competitive situations, despite the potential psychological toll of being a “token.”
The discriminatory and broken diversity and inclusion systems in many workplaces feed into the catty competitiveness that fuels situations like the ones I’ve mentioned above, so some women think it necessary to protect themselves by sabotaging you.
I’m not saying don’t befriend your fellow Black women in the office. In fact, I encourage you to be open to friendship and practice discernment as you would with anyone, no matter their background.
Whether Black, white, or other, people are people, and if they want something they think you have and you’re in the way, they’ll do what they think is necessary.
Proceed with healthy caution, stay focused on why you’re at the company and what you want to accomplish, lift as you climb, and do quality work. All of these things have helped me to succeed in spite of any workplace saboteur masquerading as a work bestie. And I've made many friends in my career journey, men and women.
Finding out that someone close to you isn’t really for you is a bummer, but remember, there are so many fabulous folk who can be great friends at work, making your time there positive, productive, and memorable.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by AzmanJaka/Getty Images
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
You Like Having Sex With Him. Your Vagina Doesn't. What Should You Do?
I already know. Some of y’all read the title of this and was like, “How does that even make sense?” Oh, believe you me, there can be someone who you are definitely attracted to, who you connect with on a billion levels, where the sexual chemistry is totally off the charts — and yet, when it comes to intercourse, your vagina is on some "Do we really have to?"
It can be for a few different reasons. His penis size might take some adjusting to. His sperm/semen may throw your pH balance off. You might end up with a yeast infection or UTI (urinary tract infection) on a semi-consistent basis. Uh-huh, now do you see how you can enjoy coitus and still experience — let’s call them “technical difficulties” as far as your vagina goes at the same time?
If this has been your plight and you’ve been scouring the internet in order to get some much-needed (literal) relief, here are 12 things that may be able to get you, your partner, and your vagina on the same page, as far as experiencing consistently pleasurable copulation is concerned.
1. Bring in Some Lubrication
GiphyLet’s begin with something that can kill two birds with one stone — umm, so to speak. Whether your issue is that your man’s size is a lot to handle or either the friction of the sex or the inability to get as wet as you would like is resulting in you ending up with a UTI, invest in some lubrication. The wetter you are, the better sex will feel, and the less irritated your vagina will be.
The real hack is to get the kind that is as close to the pH level of your vagina (which should be somewhere around 4.5) as possible. Word on the street is that silicone-based ones can help you out in this department. By the way, saliva can also throw your pH balance off, which is why some people use things like dental damns. Just something to keep in mind as far as oral activity goes.
2. Use Condoms
GiphyIf it’s been a minute since you’ve had sex (check out “What Actually Happens To Your Vagina During Seasons Of Abstinence?”) or you’re about to change (or add) sex partners, there are many reasons why you should use a condom — one of them being that bacteria or sperm/semen definitely has the potential to throw your vagina’s pH level off as well which can lead to a yeast infection.
Not to mention the fact that men can get yeast infections and sometimes they are asymptomatic. This means that if you don’t want to be passing one of those bad boys back and forth to each other, a rubber can serve as a barrier for that.
3. Consume More Probiotics. Eat Less Sugar.
GiphySpeaking of bacteria, another thing that you can do to decrease the chances of bad bacteria overtaking the good kind that’s in your va-jay-jay, be intentional about taking a probiotic and consuming foods that are filled with probiotics. Also, try to eat less sugar. Probiotic-enriched foods like yogurt, cottage cheese, cheddar cheese, fish sauce, and fermented veggies will give you more good bacteria. The reason why sugar is an enemy of your vagina is because that is what feeds bad bacteria and yeast.
4. Have Your Partner Give You a Perineal Massage (with a Twist)
GiphyAs a doula, I know quite a bit about perineal massages. Basically, it’s all about having your partner put some oil or lubricant on one or two of their fingers before using them to gently massage your perineum (the skin that is in between your vaginal opening and your anus) in order to decrease your chances of tearing while giving birth. Well, if you want to prepare yourself for sex after going without for a long period of time or before engaging with a larger partner, this type of massage could help you out, too.
The reason why I didn’t just call this good old-fashioned fingering is because if a part of what you want to partake in is anal sex, it can be wise to not just stretch your vagina but that piece of skin as well. Just make sure that if you plan on using a condom, you go with a water or silicone-based lubricant only. Oils will dissolve the potency of latex.
5. Invest in a Vaginal Dilator
GiphyI’m actually kind of surprised that vaginal dilators don’t come up more in sex-related articles. If you’ve never heard of them before, they are tube-like devices that are made out of plastic or medical-grade silicone that can help to stretch out your vagina, make it more flexible, and reduce discomfort during intercourse (especially if yours is related to having some sort of issues with your pelvic floor).
In fact, if you’re in the latter stages of perimenopause or you’re post-menopausal and sex has not been as pleasurable for you because of symptoms that are directly associated with that, a vaginal dilator might be able to offer up some relief.
For the record, you can typically purchase them at local drugstores (and online); however, you might want to run this decision by your doctor first, just so they can discuss any potential challenges/issues that you should know about (since they have your medical history).
6. Take Some Ibuprofen Before Sex
GiphyThis tip right here is a bit of a double-edged sword because whiletaking an over-the-counter pain reliever like ibuprofen an hour or so before having sex can help to reduce pain and inflammation to your vagina (if that has been an issue in the past),some studies say that men who take these same meds can potentially increase their chances of experiencing some level of erectile dysfunction.
That said, since the article today is focusing on our body parts, yes, this is somewhat of an effective hack, especially if you also soak in a warm bath prior to getting some.
7. Urinate Right After Sex
GiphyIf you’ve always wondered if you really should make it a point and practice to pee after having sex, the short answer is yes. Although nothing is going to blow up if you don’t, the reason why it’s a good idea is it can help to flush bacteria out of your urethra which can, in turn, lower your chances of experiencing a UTI.
8. Extend the Foreplay
GiphyI don’t think one woman on this planet is shocked thatmost ladies would prefer more foreplay before sex. As far as how long that should be, some studies state thatsomewhere around 20 minutes is good. That said, all of us are different, and, keeping in line with being wetter making sex better theme, if you need more time with “the appetizer” before the “main course” —tell your partner that. When it comes to less friction, more comfort, and ultimately more satisfying sex, longer foreplay might just be all that you need.
9. Stay on Top
GiphyYou probably already know this; still, I’m adding it in for safe measure. If you want to be able to better control the speed, motion, and depth of your partner when it comes to intercourse, opt for being on top. It will feel more comfortable to you, and I don’t know any man who doesn’t like to get a full view of what his partner has to offer when she’s on top of him. It’s a win for everyone involved.
10. Sign Up for Some Pelvic Floor Therapy
GiphyIf no matter what you do, you seem to experience some level of discomfort during sex, you might want to look into getting some pelvic floor therapy. It is a literal form of physical therapy that can help to strengthen the muscles in your pelvic region. If you’re interested in learning more about this, you can search for pelvic floor therapists who are in your area here.
11. Have Some Diflucan on Tap (Just in Case)
GiphyAlthough a lot of these tips are all about taking preventative measures, what should you do if you already have a yeast infection that’s tied to sex (and you know that for sure)? If you don’t want to go through the (sometimes) drama of scheduling a doctor’s appointment, there are sites now that will prescribe antifungal meds like Diflucan online.
Wisp is one that I definitely know does, along with medication for bacterial vaginosis (BV), UTIs, and genital herpes, too. Just fill out a form, and a doctor will follow up online. If they feel that you are a good candidate, they will send a prescription to a pharmacy in your area (of your choosing), and you can go pick up and pay there — sometimes all within the same day.
12. Get Tested for a Potential Sperm/Semen Allergy
GiphyAlthough actually being allergic to sperm/semen is not hella common (reportedly around 40,000 women in this country are), it is a real thing. So, if after having unprotected sex, you experience incessant burning and/or itching, hives, lip and/or tongue swelling, nausea, or diarrhea, it’s important that you see your physician. Although this kind of allergy is not particularly “dangerous,” it can be super uncomfortable.
Plus, it can make it harder for you to conceive a child (if that is something that you and your partner are trying to do). As far as treatment goes, to a certain extent, it varies. However, a prescription-strength antihistamine may be what your healthcare provider recommends for you.
____
Gee, I certainly hope that these tips help. Because while having sex with someone who you dig is wonderful, it is so much better when your vagina “gets along” with him too. Feel me? Exactly.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Rachel Frank/Getty Images