For The Women At The Intersection Of Cardi B. & Coretta Scott King
I'll never forget the day I saw it.
It was a Thursday and I was engaging in my normal midday Instagram scroll. The post read:
"I'm somewhere between Coretta Scott King and Cardi B."
For reference, Cardi B is one in the latest of female rapper success stories, who gained her claim to fame as the star of the hit reality show Love & Hip Hop New York. She is now the 5th female rapper since Lauryn Hill to lead the Billboard Top 100 Chart.
And if you don't know who Coretta Scott King is, then you my dear might need your Black Card revoked.
I am Whitley Gilbert. I am Cardi B. I am Coretta Scott King. I am Freddie Brooks. I'm every woman, it's all in meeeee
— MOla Darling (@maurachanz) December 29, 2015
At any rate, I laughed at the now viral meme at the time and even screenshot it so I could have a good laugh for later. However, later on, I found myself in a great deal of thought about that particular concept.
Is it really possible to be Coretta Scott King and Cardi B at the same time?
For many years, Black women have had a hard time navigating between the space of both being black and being a woman. We have been clumped into one set space of existence by society and have consequently been subjected to the misconceptions, misperceptions, and misplaced stereotypes cast upon us.
Whatever ideals and values we learned growing up also only narrowed the space in which we as black girls and women can exist:
Speak up, but not too much.
Speak out, but don't stir the pot.
Embrace your culture, but not like that.
Be confident, but don't be loud with it.
Be this way in order to be accepted, be that way if you want to get rejected.
What the aforementioned tones and ideals have projected is that one particular set of behaviors are what society is willing to accept and the other is cause for ridicule, backlash, and displacement and the two CANNOT coexist.
This however is inherently false.
I have friends who had 4.0 and above average GPA's in high school and college, who aim to become activists, nurses, and engineers and really bring about change in not just their local community but the world in general. They are some of the smartest, caring, mindful, and brilliant women I've ever met. These same friends, however, are the first ones to get up and tear it up on the dance floor the minute they hear “Cash Money Records taking over for the 99's and the 2000s."
But does the fact that they love a good twerk every now and then erase their accomplishments, aspirations, and intellect?
Does the fact that Cardi B is a liberated woman who grew up on the other side of the tracks stop her from embodying the rose that grew from concrete? Does it take away or discredit the name she's built for herself as a hip-hop industry feat?
If we later found out that Coretta Scott King frequented the juke joint back in the day, is that reason enough to discredit her intelligence and influence?
Some might say their issue with women that exhibit such “ratchet behavior" is that they lack self-respect. What is interesting to note and remember is the first word of that phrase: self. The whole concept behind self-respect is that the sense of worth, pride, dignity, and respect radiate from the inside out. Meaning that they themselves are the sole determinant of their own worth and anyone who tries to infringe or demean that worth will hold no bearings.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent right, or is that line of thinking only reserved for those who fit into the mold of respectability?
Who are we to ascribe and project low self-esteem and respect to another woman just because her barometer of worth is different from that of our own? Who are we to try to box in an aspect of another woman's personality because it makes us uncomfortable? Who are we to deny others and ourselves the right to freely exist in all of our many facets, faces, and phases?
In the season 4 premiere of Black-ish, actor Anthony Anderson opens his white collared button down to expose his undershirt that reads “I am my ancestor's wildest dreams."
The sentiments behind the statement is one that we should remember and take solace in. No matter the circumstances, we ALL have the ability to be our ancestor's wildest dreams.
From the loud, ghetto woman working two jobs overcoming hiring discrimination to take care of her responsibilities and put food on the table, to the heavily degreed woman who finally makes over 6 figures in her corporate job who overcame the same. They have all overcome life obstacles and have reached a level of success that once seemed out of reach for people of color.
They all are worthy of respect and deserve the right to be embraced not just for what they achieved, but for who they are.
Every dimension of our personality is what makes us who we are and the presence of one not-so-favorable trait does not negate the essence and beauty of what we can or have accomplished.
We have become and we are becoming concurrently.
We are perfectly imperfect simultaneously.
We are both masterpieces and works in progress and that my dear is what makes us worthy.
How do you own your duality?
Shanelle Harris is a Southern-based freelance writer & fashion social media curator. Her writings have been featured on Blavity. She's currently pursuing her undergrad degree in Mass Communications/PR. When she's not in class or writing, you can catch her quoting Drake lyrics and spreading #BlackGirlMagic one outfit post at a time. You can follow her on IG: @random__nelle.
Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images