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6 Reasons Why Rebound Relationships Should Be Avoided At All Costs
Rebound relationships are interesting. And by "interesting," I mean "semi-dangerous." Not physically, but emotionally. Still, I think the reason why so many of us fall prey to them is because when we consider going on the rebound with someone, even if it's just subconsciously, I believe that a basketball game comes up in our mind. When someone misses a shot and someone else immediately comes behind them and makes it, that's a rebound. Not only is that harmless, it's celebrated.
Yeah, but our hearts and bodies aren't basketballs and love ain't a game. When a relationship ends—no matter who ended it or how we feel about it—we need to give ourselves some time to recover. To process what happened, to think about the role that we played in it, to figure out what we will do differently in the future—and to heal.
If we don't do this but, instead, feel the impact of a break-up and then hurry up and look for someone else to distract us or help us to get over it, there's a greater chance that we'll end up disappointed, if not completely disillusioned. As a direct result, we have the original relationship and the rebound to work through. Double the trouble. Double the drama. And sometimes, double the pain.
If you're still not convinced that rebounding is NOT the answer to a break-up, maybe the following six (other) reasons will convince you.
Your Motives Are (Usually) Off
Let's not romanticize why we get into rebound relationships. We do it because A) we don't want to really sit down and deal with the end of our relationship; B) we want someone to make us feel better about ourselves and/or the situation or C) both. That's understandable but what it boils down to is we're using someone to get us through something. And using an individual is never a healthy way to handle anything in life.
Plus, you can't really trust your discernment when you're broken or feeling insecure. It really is a podcast series all on its own, how much we would spare ourselves, if we didn't pick via our pain.
Motives speak to the foundation of a lot of things that we do. To try and build anything on a rebound is like having cracks in your foundation from the start.
You're Bringing Someone Else into Your Pain
We've all seen a television show or movie where, someone has recently broken up with someone, went on a date with someone else and did nothing but talk about their ex the entire time. It's tacky and then some, but when you haven't given yourself enough alone time to work through things, it happens.
Even if you're got enough couth to not talk about your ex to the next guy, you'd be amazed how your actions could still possibly reveal that you're not over him. Your ex slept with someone else, so when the new guy texts with a smile in front of you, you're wondering if it's some other woman. Your ex was never on time, so when the new guy is even five minutes late, you immediately cop an attitude. Your ex didn't want the kind of commitment you did, so you try and rush the new guy into something serious three dates in. Or worse, you want the new guy to make up for all of the pain your ex caused you.
It's no one else's job or responsibility to heal you from what your ex did. But if you're quick to jump into a rebound relationship, you just might waste time (and lose a really great person) trying to prove otherwise.
The Best Way to Get Over Someone IS NOT to Get Under Someone Else
Michael Anthony (who was one of the people to end up with a love match on OWN's Ready to Love) has his own YouTube channel now. It's called The Distinguished Barbarian. I check it out from time to time and one episode that particular caught my attention was "Your Vagina Does Not Belong in a Casino." Between the title and him starting off with "Everybody, give me a moment of silence for the vagina" (as he wiped away a tear), I had to hear where he was coming from.
The gist? "God entrusts life through a woman's body and it comes out of the 'honey pot'. And then once the man comes out of the honey pot, what does he spend the rest of his life trying to do? Get back in the honey pot." Shoot, that alone should make us be very particular about who we get down with. The rest of the segment gets into the fact that many of us gamble with our vaginas because since we base a lot of things on emotion, we tend to make assumptions. We assume that because we're having sex with someone that they are on the same page with us when they may not even be in the same book (that's my phrasing not his, by the way).
That's why I'm not big on thinking that we should have sex with some "new" dude in order to get over an old one. For one thing, it's a slick form of using someone (how would you feel if some man had sex with you for the same reason?) and two, all you're doing is setting yourself up to be attached to another individual…which could put you into the position of getting hurt all over again. Remember, when we break our arm in the same place twice, it takes longer to heal. I think the same thing applies to our hearts.
You Should Focus Getting over Your Ex Instead
The reason why most of us rebound in the first place is so we don't have to dig deep and deal with what happened with our past relationship. But that's exactly what we should be doing. One reason is so we can process and (if necessary) forgive our ex; otherwise, we'll carry a lot of slow burn anger and bitterness (whether we realize it or not) around. Another reason is because, although it sometimes happens, it's not common for rebound relationships 1) be healthy and/or 2) to last. Usually, they're a form of expiration dating (you know, starting something that you already know has an expiration date on it). When they do come to an end, guess who you just may go back to? YOUR EX. Now you're back in an emotional cul-de-sac—if not a dead end—all over again.
Yeah, rather than using a rebound relationship as a Band-Aid, focus more on getting some space to get over your ex. That way, when you really are ready for something new, you'll be approaching it with a truly clean slate.
You Need Time to Heal—ALONE
If you have a pattern of breaking up with guys and freaking out at the thought of being alone afterwards, you are one of the main people who needs to do just that—BE ALONE. I can't tell you how many people I've talked to who are absolutely miserable in their relationships because their partner is needy, clingy and looking for them to do things that they should be doing for themselves.
Break-ups suck. Trust me, I know. But if there is a silver lining, it's that it gives us all the opportunity to step back and say, "Wait. Who am I and what do I really want?" Not just out of love but out of life.
The time you're spending (or is it wasting?) getting caught up in another dude is the time you could be spending loving on yourself—so that the next guy you get with won't require you needing a rebound because you'll be in a space where you'll choose men and love differently.
Karma Is Real
I once read a quote from karma that said, "You will never understand the damage you did to someone until the same thing is done to you. That's why I'm here." Whatever happened in your past relationship, let karma handle it (and it will). But don't put yourself in the position where you could hurt someone else via a rebound. All that does is set you up for being on the receiving end of your own karma. I don't think you'll like it very much.
Rebound relationships may be a fun distraction for a season, but they tend to come with some pretty cryptic consequences. You'd be far better off breaking up and staying single for a while than getting into something just to be doing something.
Life and love ain't a game. Please choose wisely.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."