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Does It Really Matter Who Says 'I Love You' First?
When you’ve been working in the field of relationships for as long as I have, there are certain questions that are bound to come up on a semi-regular basis. When it comes to the world of dating, one of them is women asking me if they should wait for a man to say “I love you” before they decide to do it. It’s kind of wild to see how this sends some ladies into mid-hysterics as they think of all of the hypothetical pros and cons that come with them “making the first move” in this fashion.
Me? At this stage and season in my life, I just don’t think that loving someone should be so complicated because, contrary to popular belief in this crazy ass culture of ours, love isn’t complicated. People can be…love isn’t.
And so, while I could give a very simple “yes” or “no” answer to this particular dilemma (which really isn’t all that much of one) so that you can see where I’m coming from in my ultimate conclusion, I want to break down the “who should say 'I love you' first?” scruple by presenting a few different points first. Ready?
Who Says "I Love You" First?
Love and Ego Are Not Friends. Let Alone Lovers.
Being controlling (which includes always wanting to control a particular outcome). Believing that you are always right. Not willing to let down your guard. Being hypercritical. Choosing to not see things from another person’s perspective. Guess what all of these things have in common? They are also connected to a person who has a serious ego problem.
The problem with that is ego and love don’t get along very well. That’s because, when you love someone, it’s about putting down your walls, being flexible, and 1000 percent wanting to extend as much empathy as possible — and that’s just the very tip of the love iceberg.
So, to be out here refusing to express yourself to someone you truly care about simply because you want to “win” by saying that he expressed himself to you first? Doesn’t that sound egomaniacal just to read and run that back in your mind? Imagine if he did that to you? Wouldn’t it feel like some low-key game that he was trying to play? Who wants love to be a game?
And that brings me to my next point, to be honest.
Game-Playing Is Never the Right Move
Author and motivational speaker Leo Buscaglia once said, “Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.” I like the entire quote, yet what stands out to me, as it relates to what we’re tackling today, is not idealizing someone, not playing games, and making sure that you are being a genuine individual. Genuine people are authentic. They are what a lot of us refer to as being a “real one.” Let’s keep building.
There’s a husband I know who says that something that he tells his wife, whenever she says something that he knows is virtually unattainable, is, “You should probably lower your expectations” — crazy as it might sound, he says that it works every time. One example he gave is that she was watching The Bachelor, and she came into the bedroom afterward and asked him, “Why don’t we go on dates like that?” and he immediately was like, “Are you serious? A fake reality show with a high budget? Please lower your expectations.” For her, it was a quick reality check. It’s also a great example of idealizing something that is pretty unrealistic — if not flat-out ridiculous.
Another problem with idealizing is it can lead to playing games. You’ve decided in your mind how something should go, and so you “script the person in” without their knowledge or consent and then have the nerve to be mad when things don’t play out the way you want them to. And then you try to play victim, gaslight, or blame someone on top of it all. Yeah, that’s peak game-playing. It’s also why a lot of people end up sabotaging their relationship, even before it gets off of the ground or before it goes where they want it to.
Thinking that a man should say “I love you first” because “that’s the man’s job”? Who came up with that? And how are so many women on that anyway in the day and age when they claim that a lot of gender roles are antiquated or obsolete (for the record, no, I’m not one of them)? Which team are you on? And if y’all church folks are gonna come with “A man should love the woman more anyway,” if you’re coming from Ephesians 5:33, where it says that a husband is to love his wife, remember that a wife is also to respect her husband (eh hem). Also, that doesn’t mean that a husband is supposed to love more so much as he is to remember that love is how a woman feels loved — just like how a man feels loved by being respected (a lot of women miss that).
Bottom line here, being caught up in not telling a man that you love him first because you think that if he says it first means that he means it more — yes, you’re playing games, and two, that’s not automatically the case. And besides, why should you want to ration or even parse true love with another person? Eww. I mean, “eww” in the biggest way possible, too.
Eve Was Brought to Adam. Here’s What I Mean.
It’s hard for me to talk about love, healthy holistic love, without bringing up Scripture because some of my favorite love stories are in the Bible. Even if I wasn’t a disciple of it (John 8:31-32), I would still enjoy reading it. And so, since perfection is only recorded in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 1-2), I like Adam and the Woman’s (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:23 & 3:20) journey. For the sake of time and space, I won’t put all of Genesis 2:18-25 here. I will share a particular verse (verse 22), though: “Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.”
Adam was not a hunter. He was a gardener.
The Woman was not prey. She was a blessing.
Adam didn’t pursue his wife. God brought her to him.
The Woman’s job was to let God do that. Adam’s job was to acknowledge God once he did.
Okay, if you get rid of all of that “a man has to chase me down” nonsense, why wouldn’t it be okay to tell a man that you love him? If you know that God wrote your love story and that he brought you to the man whom you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, why not praise God by declaring that you love your future provider and protector? Or…is it that you’re unsure? And if that’s the case, the issue isn’t really about who should say anything first…more like, you should ponder if you need to be involved with ole’ boy at all (hmm…).
In the Wise Words of the Group Brownstone: “If You Love Me, Say It”
Y’all remember the R&B group Brownstone from back in the day? Actually, while I was in the process of writing this, that’s the song that immediately came to my mind because they’re right: If you love someone, why wouldn’t you say it? Why should it be so hard to say regardless of if he’s said it first or not?
One time, while reading an article on Oprah’s site about the topic of I love you, author Robert Holden shared that when you tell someone that you love them, what you’re essentially declaring is:
“I see you.”
“I accept you.”
“I thank you.”
“I am here for you.”
In that last part, he also stated this:
“Each time you say ‘I love you,’ you are really saying ‘I am here for you.’ ‘Being here’ means being fully present in the relationship—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Saying 'I love you' means 'I am committed to you' and 'I am committed to us.' You are telling that person you are in this relationship. You are not waiting for the relationship to sparkle or to improve before you commit to it. You are not playing it safe. You are not wearing a mask. You are not just trying to get something. You are really here, and this relationship really matters to you.”
He's right. And this can be quite revealing as to why you think a man should say “I love you” before you do. Perhaps you are playing it safe. Maybe you are wearing a bit of a mask. Maybe “I love you” from him is more of a goal than it really is about the two of you growing and evolving together. And you know what? All of those things are relational red flags.
And what if you’re one of those people who thinks that a man saying “I love you” first is the equivalent of him proposing marriage? First, I would say that’s a bit over the top, and secondly, I would say that you could end up waiting for a while, and that could cause you to experience some unnecessary anxiety.
My final point on all of this will hopefully explain why I say that is the case.
What Exactly Are You Waiting For?
I’m thinking that some of y’all will remember the sitcomGirlfriends fondly. Imma tell y’all what — the older I get and reflect back on that show and its spin-off, The Game, the more it makes sense to me that Joan Clayton and Melanie Barnett-Davis were cousins. Both of them were pretty neurotic if you ask me. All of that drama that they created in their heads when it came to matters of the heart…how were they not exhausted all of the time? SMDH.
Anyway, I’m closing out here because one of Joan’s more memorable relationships was with Sean. Nevermind the fact that he eventually broke up with her because (eh hem) “she was just too much work,” back in the happier times, she was doing all kinds of mess, like saying “olive juice,” hoping that it would make him say, “I love you too” so that, technically, she didn’t say it first — he did.
Now read that back and look at how silly all of that is. And besides, the way it played out is he came and used the bathroom while she was in there, she asked him not to, and he said, “When two people love each other, they should be able to do anything together.” And that’s when she realized that he had been loving her for a while — he was just more focused on actions than words.
Personally, I don’t see a better way to round this all out. If you feel loved — I mean, really and truly loved — by your partner, why not say “I love you”? Because I promise that there are a lot of people out here saying the words without a lot of actions to back it up. For the record, if you happen to be a “words of affirmation person” (like I am), I do get how all of this plays differently for you; still, leading by example can go a long way.
Y’all, after all of this, what I really want to say is life is too short, and time is too precious to be so trivial. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter who says “I love you” first. Again, what matters is if you feel loved, consistently so. And if that’s the case, why not praise your partner for that by verbally saying “I love you” to them? If that means you say it before he does, so be it.
The love is there. And that’s all that really matters. Standing firm on that, too.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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Cory Hardrict Opens Up About His Mental Health Following Tia Mowry Divorce: 'Crying Myself To Sleep Every Night'
Actor Cory Hardrict is breaking his silence about the toll his divorce from actress and entrepreneur Tia Mowry took on his mental health.
The couple's separation became public in October 2022 when Mowry announced on social media that they were ending their 14-year marriage and over two-decade-long relationship. Their divorce was finalized the following year.
Despite the split, Hardrict and Mowry maintain a co-parenting relationship for their two children, Cree and Cairo. Since their breakup, Mowry has openly discussed her journey into singlehood, sharing insights and experiences on social media and in interviews.
In contrast, Hardrict had kept a low profile regarding the split until recently. While attending the American Black Film Festival to promote his new project, Tyler Perry's Divorce in the Black, the 44-year-old actor shed light on his mental health struggles following his breakup with Mowry.
Cory Opens Up About How The Divorce Impacted His Mental Health
During a panel, Hardrict revealed how stereotypes about Black men and mental health led him to suffer in silence.
The All-American: Homecoming star explained that societal expectations of unwavering strength in Black men made it challenging to express his emotions openly. This struggle intensified as Hadrict grappled with the end of his marriage to Mowry and how it would affect their family dynamic.
"It's tough when you're going through something alone, and no one understands… No one's there for you, and it's just like you know you're a man, especially a Black man. [They be like] you know he tough, he's strong. But you know it was a year and a half crying myself to sleep every night. Nobody see that," he said. "You live five minutes away from your babies. You know what I'm saying because people [who] know Cory Hardrict know that his kids and his family was everything to him."
As the discussion drew to a close, the actor reflected on his journey, noting how the challenging experience had ultimately strengthened him.
“So it’s like I’m stronger than I thought I was. I’m really stronger than that. By the grace of God, it’s like I’m here, and I’m still going,” he stated.
Hardrict's honesty about his post-breakup struggles can be viewed as commendable because sharing his experience may inspire others to speak up about their own challenges and seek support when necessary.
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