“What purpose does a therapist serve?"
This was just one of the many real-life responses to my decision to seek professional help to address my ongoing battle with depression a few years ago.
The palpable reactions of concern and distrust from loved ones honestly didn't surprise me, but it would've been nice to have a heads-up on some of the unexpected changes that occurred immediately after I began what I like to refer to as my “couch confession sessions."
Instead of an instant life-fixing prescription, I received homework assignments that for the first time, I couldn't haphazardly complete with an all-nighter, faced loved ones who openly doubted my therapist's advice, and dealt with the stress of relationship changes induced by my desire to heal with a stranger's help. Basically, therapy came with a ton of fine print and I wasn't prepared to read.
If you're considering therapy, here are 7 things you can expect to happen after you take that first step to psychological betterment:
Progress won't happen overnight.
Me waiting on progress.
Now that you've started therapy, your inner badass will instantly emerge from its cocoon to whip your life into shape with Iyanla-like precision, right? Sorry to disappoint you beloved, but that's not exactly how this works.
Maybe it was a combination of desperation and extreme anxiety, but I was convinced that my first few sessions would yield instant results, much like an hour-long TV series co-signed by Oprah. In reality, there isn't a quick fix for deep-seated issues that have already had a literal lifetime head start on your attempts to resolve them. Embrace therapy as an ongoing process and realize that that in itself is progress.
The first therapist you see may not be a good fit and you might be tempted to give up.
Seriously, your therapist could be a really bad fit for you.
If your therapist is habitually late, monopolizes the session with personal stories or makes snap judgments before you're halfway through your back story, don't be so quick to forfeit your peace of mind to settle into a lifetime of dysfunction. We've heard horror stories about ineffective therapists, which can be a major turnoff to those who are already resistant to the process.
Instead of allowing a bad experience to completely derail your efforts, commit to going the extra mile for the sake of your well-being. Put the same energy into finding a therapist who fits your needs as you would into perfecting your bantu knot outor hustling your way to boss status.
Friends and family will challenge the process.
While the guiding light of therapy slowly illuminates the pathway to a promise land free of generational curses and self-destructive mindsets, some loved ones will struggle to support your self-care journey. For instance, your parents could view therapy sessions as a direct insult to their child-rearing skills (they raised you right, didn't they?), or your spouse might take the slow-paced progress as a sign that you're simply wasting time and money on an overpaid professional coddler. Meanwhile, your bestie is perpetually side-eyeing your counselor (because she's pretty sure she knows you better than anyone else).
Even if the sentiments of those closest to you seem to come from a place of genuine love and concern, it's been my experience that the less you share about your sessions with trusted relatives and friends, the better. I found that listening to too many opinions confused me and interrupted my progress. As someone who loves to share experiences and life lessons, this was a challenge for me, but it inevitably reinforced the benefits of having access to an unbiased individual who keeps ego and personal ideologies out of the equation.
You'll come to enjoy therapy.
Staring down your innermost issues in the presence of a professional doesn't exactly sound like an event to be overly excited about, but I found myself looking forward to therapy and even feeling a bit sad when I went from weekly to monthly sessions to eventually none at all.
Aside from the opportunity to partake in guilt-free venting, one major benefit of therapy is that it provided an outlet in which I put my needs before everything else without the risk of being labeled self-centered. Over time, I amassed a personal collection of go-to problem-solving techniques to address issues major and minor, and I gained a deeper understanding of myself, my behaviors and most importantly, what stood between me and mental soundness.
Your listening skills will improve.
If your pre-therapy approach to listening was of the Kanye West “Imma let you finish" variety, then you might be surprised to find that you can now patiently hear out that friend who complains about being in love with a man who's bad in bed without feeling the need to interject an unsolicited assessment of the issue at hand, along with the solution that trumps all others.
One of the most gratifying feelings I had after leaving therapy was the sense of knowing that someone heard and acknowledged what I had to say in a manner that reinforced the validity of my voice and my story. I wouldn't compare my listening skills to that of a therapist, but I'm noticeably more cognizant of when someone's in need of an ear instead of verbal input.
You'll become more understanding and less judgmental.
Several of the issues I addressed in therapy had to do with my core belief that I didn't deserve to be protected, a falsehood cultivated by the environment in which my parents raised me. For years, I harbored resentment towards my parents and blamed my internal struggles on the ways in which they failed me as a child. But in learning to show myself compassion, I realized that my parents likely inherited the unhealthy habits and behaviors they passed onto me from their parents and their surrounding environment. In short, they suffered damage at the hands of their predecessors just like I had, and the way I coped was simply a reflection of generations past. Judging them harshly was the same as me judging myself, which blocked the road to a deeper understanding.
Some sessions will leave you emotionally and mentally exhausted.
While I will relentlessly sing the praises of therapy to anyone within earshot, there's no getting around it: Therapy will kick your ass. It's basically like taking part in the most intense boxing match ever, only you're the reigning champ and the challenger. If you're completely open to the process, it leaves you no choice but to face the deepest, most vulnerable and flawed parts of yourself, which for some, can be a downright frightening experience.
That said, give yourself some extra compassion if therapy and all that accompanies it leaves you feeling winded, hopeless and cursing the day you signed up for this dreaded task of inner demon-slaying. Right now, you're putting in the necessary hard work and if you stick to the program, you'll eventually develop the mental and emotional muscle to flex on your future problems before they have a chance to take you out.
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Amber Riley Is In Her Element
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Can’t Stop Seeing 333?: Uncover What The Universe Is Guiding You To Do
Have you ever needed a sign from God or the universe to just drop out of the sky? Then, before you can recognize the coincidence, you start seeing angel numbers like 333 on your microwave clock, gas prices, or even as the total on your receipt. Numbers hold a special type of significance and influence in our lives, cultures, and spiritual beliefs and are known to hold hidden meanings, serve as guides, and act as messengers from the spiritual realm.
And one particular number that has captured the imagination of so many of us is the angel number 333.
Breaking Down the Meaning of Angel Number 333
Believed to be a divine message from the angels, this numerical sequence carries profound significance and offers guidance, reassurance, and encouragement to those who encounter it.
The angel number 333 is composed of the energy and vibrations of the number 3, which appears three times in a row, magnifying its influence.
When we look into the power of the number 3 in numerology, it’s typically associated with creativity, self-expression, communication, growth, expansion, optimism, joy, and the Trinity, representing mind, body, and spirit. Thus, when encountered in triplicate, it intensifies the message and significance conveyed by the number 3.
The Angel Number 333 Meaning: Spiritual Awakening and Alignment
The angel number 333 often appears during moments of spiritual awakening or when an individual is on the path of growth and change. It serves as a gentle reminder that you are divinely supported and encouraged to align your thoughts, actions, and intentions with your higher self and spiritual purpose. The angels are signaling that you are on the right track and should continue to cultivate your spiritual growth in a way that’s in harmony with your higher self and purpose.
The Angel Number 333 Meaning: Embracing Creativity and Self-Expression
A major theme with the number 3 is its connection to creativity and imagination. The presence of angel number 333 is a call to embrace your creative abilities and express your authentic self. Whether it is through art, writing, a new project or hobby you’ve been looking to explore, or any other form of self-expression, your guardian angels are nudging you to tap into your full creative potential. By doing so, you can inspire others and bring joy and positivity into the world, and even uncover a new level of self-actualization.
The Angel Number 333 Meaning: Reclaiming Balance and Spiritual Harmony
What’s special about 333 is how it highlights the importance of balance and harmony in your life and that you have full access to it. It’s your own personal sign to prioritize your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being despite the speed and hustle-centric of the world we live in. Your angels are tapping you on the shoulder to encourage you to maintain balance in order to live a more fulfilling and harmonious existence with yourself, your loved ones, and your purpose. So take it as a gentle reminder to seek moderation over the extremes in life, or if you need to add a little more play where there’s rigidity, allow it to flow.
What Should You Do When You Encounter the Angel Number 333?
Remember that you have help outside of what you can see with your physical eyes. And while this angel number might hold different meanings for everyone and each stage of life, the thread that connects 333’s meaning is harmony, the divine support that surrounds you, and a license to tap into your inner creativity.
If you happen to come across 333 on your path today, pause and make note of the crossroads or rumination that’s been on your mind. 333 is a powerful number for manifestation, so take a moment to speak out or write down your intentions. You have the power to bring your thoughts and desires into reality, and your angel number and guides are here to remind you of that.
Trust that the answer you seek is within your reach.
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