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Single Ladies: Pamper Yourself With A 'Valentine's Day Theme'
I already know what some of y’all are on: “Shellie, no matter how much you try and give a ‘glass half full’ approach to being single on Valentine’s Day, I ain’t buyin’ it. I wanted to be with someone this year and the fact that I’m not has me feelin’ some type of way.”
Noted. Heard. Understood. The point of writing articles like this one (or the one I penned last year that’s along the same lines: “Single Women, Valentine's Day Is Upon Us. Here's How To Flip That Ish In Your Favor.”) isn’t so much to get you out of what you want; it’s to encourage you to make the most of your time…in the meantime.
Besides, since V-Day is supposed to be about celebrating love, wouldn’t it make all the sense in the world to honor who you should love above all else — whether you’re in a relationship or not? YOU.
Yeah…my point exactly. So, instead of trying to act like February 14 doesn’t exist this year, decide that this is the year when you’re going to indulge yourself by doing at least a few of the following 15 suggestions. Because since you are totally in love with yourself…why not acknowledge it?
1. Revisit the Definitions of “Single”’
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Probably until I fade out into the sunset as far as this platform is concerned, whenever the topic of singleness comes up, I’m probably always going to mention the article, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'.” That’s because, although most folks only think of “not married” (the original definition which means A LOT of people are relationally single; some of y’all will catch that later) or not boo’d up to be what “single” means, it’s so much more than that.
A single person is unique. A single person is exclusive. A single person is rare. And everything about those words is beyond wonderful and fantastic. So, this year, instead of focusing so much on not having anyone (single), think about how bomb you are by being such an exceptional woman (another word for “single”).
2. Make Time for Unconditional Love Meditation
If days like Valentine’s Day tend to ramp up your stress and anxiety levels, use it as a time to do some meditation. Meditation can definitely help to calm you down. In fact, I actually stumbled upon a site that features tracks that help you to do what is known as “unconditional love meditation” which, at the end of the day, basically means that you will hone in on self-love while removing your ego and increasing your compassion levels; including self-compassion (check out “What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like” and “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day”).
You can see more of what the site has to offer in this realm here. Oh, and if meditation isn’t something you do often, it’s a fairly simple practice. You can learn how to do it, even at work, by reading this article here.
3. Speak Your Love Language to Yourself
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Words of affirmation. Physical touch. Quality time. Acts of service. Gifts. Whatever your top two primary love languages are, the fact that they are how you like love to be expressed to you (most) means that you don’t have to wait for someone to do them for you.
Write down some adjectives that describe what you like most about yourself (words of affirmation). Give yourself a head or foot massage (physical touch). Turn off your devices and read a book or take your own self out to eat (quality time). Ask someone to help you with something that has been stressing you out to take the load off (acts of service). Hit the mall and buy yourself something — just because (gifts).
So many people are down on themselves on Valentine’s Day because they think that everyone else BUT them should show themselves love. And that’s a damn shame because, so long as you love you and express it well, any day can be amazin’. V-Day included.
4. Set Some “Self-Love Goals” for the Rest of the Year
Even though it is kinda wild that, already, March isn’t too far away from us, you’ve still got plenty of time to put some solid plans into place for the rest of the calendar year. And what better way to make 2024 your best year yet than by setting some self-love goals? Plan a spa trip in another city. Buy yourself a self-affirmations journal (and actually write in it). Consider getting into some therapy or seeing a life coach. Take a solo trip to another country. Something that I’ve been doing lately is going on dates alone — and they have been nothing short of fabulous!
It might sound corny or cliché yet that doesn’t make it any less true: the more that you love yourself, the easier it is to discern the people who also love you…personally and professionally…romantically and platonically.
5. Take Advantage of Valentine’s Day Deals and Discounts
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Something that A LOT of people tend to overlook on Valentine’s Day is all of the deals and discounts that are out here when it comes to restaurants, candy, flowers, and lingerie. And while I get that it would be awesome if someone else was making the purchases for you, why wouldn’t you take this opportunity to get a steak for a cheaper amount or some new panties while they’re on sale? Parade has a list for this year that’s fairly extensive. You can see it for yourself here.
6. Eat a Salad
For the record, I think that if there’s any day when you should feel guilt-free about eating whatever the hell you want, V-Day would be it. The only reason why I’m suggesting a salad (even if it’s simply an appetizer) is because dark leafy greens are full of magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that actually helps to keep you calm and relaxed. So, even if you’re not interested in having one for your Valentine’s Day dinner, how about for lunch while you’re at work?
7. Buy Yourself Some Flowers
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Although flowers on Valentine’s Day are typically associated with romance, there are other reasons why they are hella beneficial. Research reveals that flowers put us in a better mood and automatically make us feel more excited about life. And guess what? If you opt for something non-traditional like lavender, hibiscus, or pansies, you can steep the petals and turn them into a tea that is good for your overall health and well-being on several different levels. You can read about all of that here.
8. Rub Rose of Sharon Essential Oil on Your Pressure Points
At the end of the day, pressure points are simply parts of the body that are connected to other parts. When you “apply pressure” to them, they can reduce physical discomfort and bring the kind of relief that makes it easier to relax, boost energy levels (and your libido) and even give you a better night’s rest. That said, I’m a huge fan of essential oils and one that isn’t brought up often (in mainstream media) is the Rose of Sharon.
I like it because, one of the things that it symbolizes is, the beauty of the beloved. Beloved means “greatly loved,” so why not invest in a bottle of this particular one and “anoint yourself” with lots of love on various pressure points this Valentine’s Day?
9. Get Something That’s Red or Pink
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On V-Day, red and pink aren’t just limited to women in relationships. C’mon now. And besides, if there is one hue that pretty much every Black sistah looks absolutely amazing in, it’s red. So, get yourself something that is red or pink. Red symbolizes things like passion, love, and energy. Pink is all about femininity, compassion, and having a nurturing nature. You know, there is plenty of research out here to support the fact that color actually has a significant amount of influence on our mindset. So, if you want to feel more energized on Valentine’s Day, wear something red. More feminine? Wear something pink.
10. Invest in a Pearl
In the other “single on Valentine’s Day” article that I referenced earlier, I mentioned that one of my favorite Scriptures is Matthew 7:6; it’s a verse where Christ speaks against casting pearls before swine. On the heels of that, another Scripture that I like is Matthew 13:45-46 where it references a merchant selling everything that he had for one precious pearl. Since I’m a June baby and the pearl is one of my birthstones, I automatically have an affection towards it. That’s why I revisit the breakdown of how a pearl is formed at least a couple of times a year.
If you’ve never heard the story before (you can read the gist of it here), a lot happens for a pearl to come about. Why not get yourself a pair of pearl earrings or even just one freshwater or saltwater pearl to symbolize all that you’ve survived and how beautiful you are now as a direct result?
11. Treat Yourself to a New Pair of Shoes
I’m a sneakerhead myself although I’ve got plenty of friends who are shoe fanatics. I mean, they are so caught up in them that I just had to do some research into why footwear is such a phenomenon for women (did you know that there is a documentary on the topic? It’s calledGod Save My Shoes and you can currently watch it on Tubi). From what I’ve read, a lot of women like shoes because they are a confidence booster, they make them feel sexy and the shift of a shoe can totally change the look of any outfit.
And when the shoes are high heels, they can elongate your legs, give you the appearance of great posture, and take your femininity levels up a few notches. Hmph. Seems to me that while ladies who are in a relationship are out getting lingerie, single gals should treat themselves to a pair of new shoes. ‘Cause…why the heck not?
12. Do a Lil’ Forest Bathing
Shinrin-yoku is the Japanese word for forest bathing. If you’ve never heard of this type of meditation before, it’s basically going into the forest (or someplace where there is more than one tree) and doing some deep breathing there. You know, one of my all-time favorite books isThe Celestine Prophecy and, even though it’s fictional, it talks about how you can get messages from nature if you’re willing to turn off your devices and get really still and quiet.
Science cosigns on this because there are studies to support that being in nature can reduce stress as well as decrease depression and anxiety-related symptoms. So, if this Valentine’s Day has you a little stressed out, why not go to a park or take a hike? It could be just what your heart needs.
13. Soak in a Dark Chocolate Bath
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Last fall, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe” and if there are two things that have Valentine’s Day written all over them, it’s red roses and chocolate. As far as chocolate goes, have you ever wondered how it became the signature candy for that particular day? From what I’ve read and researched, when the Victorian era was at its peak, Cadbury came up with a chocolate candy heart (hmph, kind of reminds me of how the origin story of De Beers’s going broke and coming up with “a diamond is forever” to get folks into buying diamond engagement rings — it’s all about capitalism at the end of the day, y’all).
Anyway, just like dark chocolate is good for your health, it’s also good for your skin because it contains properties that moisturize your skin, reduce inflammation, and decrease stress. So, if a bath is on the top of your to-do list on Valentine’s Day, take a dark chocolate one. There are a few recipes to help you take one correctly here.
14. Create Your Own Signature Cocktail
If you’ve been to more than just a few weddings before, you may have noticed that at least one bride and groom had a signature cocktail at their reception. I really like those because it’s cool to concoct your own cocktail (or mocktail) based on your favorite drink ingredients. Even though couples made this popular, they don’t have a lock on it. Use this V-Day to come up with your own signature cocktail and then keep the recipe in mind in order to toast yourself regularly (because you’re constantly doing something that is super bomb…right? Why not celebrate it with your own invented drink?).
15. Dance Before Turning In
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Question: When was the last time you danced? I don’t mean to go out dancing; I mean, you turned on some of your favorite songs and danced in your living room for at least a good 30 minutes. This Valentine’s Day, consider doing just that because not only is dancing good for your heart (pun intended), but it also helps to build your core, makes you more flexible, increases your self-esteem, reduces your stress levels, and is great for your mental health overall.
BONUS: Go Out with a Guy Friend
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A few years back, I wrote, “Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be 'Just Friends'” because I can personally attest to the fact that they indeed can. Personally, I have several male friends who I enjoy talking to, hanging out with, and catching a meal with. So, as we close this out, even with all that I just said, if you really want to be in the company of a man for V-Day, ask one of your single male friends if they would like to go to lunch or dinner.
Trust me, a lot of them have women who come out of the woodwork on Valentine’s Day, so they would jump at the chance of hanging out with a woman who comes with your pressure or potential drama. LOL. Why not let her be you? Happy Valentine’s Day, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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Feature image by FotosbyFola
'ACross Generations With Tiffany Cross' Highlight Career Hardships With Melba Moore And Amari Marshall
ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross, the thought-provoking podcast featuring intergenerational discussions returns with a new episode exploring the realities of the entertainment industry.
This installment brings together host Tiffany Cross, Tony Award-winning actress and Grammy-nominated singer Melba Moore, and dancer extraordinaire Amari "Monster" Marshall. The dynamic trio engages in a compelling conversation, delving into the artists' financial struggles, the impact of social media, and the importance of mentorship in the industry.
A standout moment in the discussion came when Moore, who has been in the entertainment industry for over 50 years, shared how losing everything ultimately helped her conquer career-related fears.
“I think losing my whole life, losing my daughter, losing my family, losing my career, [and] being homeless,” she said.
To provide context for her past hardships, Moore recounted living in Central Park South in New York, an area described as unsafe at night due to crimes like mugging and assault.
“That’s where I used to live,” she added. “That’s when I realized I have to get a suitcase with wheels.”
When Cross inquired about how Moore, a successful Broadway actress and singer, ended up in such dire circumstances, the 78-year-old shared a shocking revelation. Moore explained that her husband, who also served as her manager, had forged her signature to transfer all their assets to himself.
“My manager/husband, behind my back, forged my name on divorce documents,” she said. “Divorced me. Signed all of our business and marital assets to himself.”
Moore revealed she discovered her ex-husband's actions through his family. Fearing for her safety and reputation, she decided to go public with her story. She explained that she wanted the press to be aware of her situation if something happened to her, ensuring her legacy wouldn't be tainted by false headlines.
Eventually, Moore regained her footing after starring in Michael Matthews' gospel Broadway productions, which led to other roles. Since then, Moore disclosed that despite the hardships caused by her ex-husband's actions, her family is now healing.
Following Moore's admission, Cross expressed disbelief at the actress's experience but noted that many people are going through similar situations and using social media to expose them.
“There’s so many incidents like this and now with Instagram, you see the mess,” she stated.
Further into the discussion, Marshall opened up about the struggles she faced as a dancer early in her career. She revealed a particularly challenging situation where an employer took most of her earnings, leaving her to survive on only $100 a month.
“Me and my mom lived in every part of Los Angeles before we were able to get our own studio apartment,” she shared. “It was a family of six. I’m traveling the world nonstop. Nobody would have known that I was still making $100 a month.”
Marshall explained that she didn't openly discuss her financial hardships, leading people to make assumptions. Because she worked with stars like Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Janet Jackson, and Beyoncé and toured the world, many believed that Marshall was earning a substantial amount of money.
Following that experience, Marshall learned the importance of navigating the business and budgeting effectively. Toward the end of the conversation, the star reflected on how challenging times can ultimately benefit one's life.
“If you don’t have those bad times, you’re not really learning,” she said.
The full episode of ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross, featuring this discussion and other compelling topics, is now streaming on the show's official YouTube channel.
Celebrating the Impact of Black Women in Arts with Melba Moore and Amari Marshall
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