The Era Of Social Distancing Has Made Social Media A Lifeline For Connection
I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I keep my social dealings pretty basic—Facebook for family, Instagram for friends, WhatsApp for travel. I had an extremely brief run on Snapchat until Instagram Stories became a thing and I was able to rid myself of one less app on my phone. Now under the current circumstances we're in (*enter* coronavirus), social media has become a lifeline to the rest of the world, and I'm being bombarded with multiple requests from everyone I know to join apps to connect.
While I'm grateful for a network of folks that want to make sure they see my face and hear from me, it's also overwhelming, not to mention it's taking a toll on my phone's storage. I've never TikTok'd or Marco Polo'd but now I feel the pressure is strong to keep up. My social anxiety doesn't translate well on social media either. Sharing updates on what I'm eating, where I'm going, and who I'm with kind of seems like something my mom would have begged for when I was 15, and at nearly 30, I prefer a good ole phone call or text over anything else. But quarantine life is different, because now I don't see anyone's face, ever, except for my mom who finally got her wish and knows exactly what I'm eating (whatever's in the kitchen), where I'm going (to the living room), and who I'm with (her).
As someone who has always streamlined their social media, but also wants to stay in touch, here's my take on navigating these quarantine-popular apps.
Zoom
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I was vaguely familiar with the video conferencing platform Zoom because prior to the world ending I was interviewing for jobs and this was the form of communication most companies preferred. It cut out having to travel to various offices around New York City and only required me to wear a blouse, most of the time paired with sweats. These meetings were usually setup by some HR executive who probably had a certification in Zoom practices, because using Zoom with friends is way trickier.
The main reason being that Zoom requires planning, therefore taking away any spontaneity out of your virtual linkup. Setting up a Zoom chat went something like this…
I sent a text asking, "Hey, who's free Thursday at 8pm for a girl's night in on Zoom?" Everyone was free as I suspected because, hello, quarantine. I texted meeting info with a note for everyone to look cute for each other. Thursday at 8:08pm no one including myself was on the call, because even in quarantine I'm running late. I texted asking if everyone is hopping on and one person replied. I logged on looking about as cute as one possibly could in an oversized tee, but luckily my pal had on the same "outfit" ignoring my previous request. We chit-chatted trying to save the tea for when our missing friend arrived, but she never did. She didn't respond until the next day because she fell asleep, probably of boredom. We rescheduled for a Zoom brunch at 2pm that Saturday. I was five episodes deep into Netflix's Tiger King trying to solve a murder when I realized it's 2:02pm. I looked at my phone, no one texted. I continued my investigation on the couch until both my friends backed out because of [insert excuse here] and I finally took a well-deserved nap after all my hard detective work. I woke up two hours later to a text from another friend I invited to join the "brunch" in a separate text thread asking what happened.
The takeaway? HR executive with Zoom certification is not in my future. Despite all the kinks I hit, I'll still be re-scheduling our linkup via Zoom. I appreciate that there's no messaging or posts to keep up with on Zoom so you can use when you want and forget about it after.
Marco Polo
Speaking of keeping up, Marco Polo is an app that's kind of like leaving video voicemails for one person or a group. My church friend convinced me to download this when quarantine rules went into effect as a way to keep up with the other outreach team members. I was into it that week recording a greeting to the other eight members, checking in during the Sunday service live-stream and seeing my church friend's play-by-play as she watched The Handmaid's Tale for the first time, in the separate chat we started. It was all fun and games, and Jesus until a week later when I was 70 unwatched messages deep and my church pal was searching for me in our one-on-one thread. Oops!
Never-ending group chats were always a turn off for me, and essentially that's what Marco Polo becomes when it's a bunch of people. I might put off watching one message which eventually piles up into many until I feel SO guilty that I decide to put off watching any altogether. My social anxiety manifests differently and in this instance although I felt completely comfortable with my friend who initially invited me into the group, I didn't have personal relationships with the others. It just felt strange giving updates on my life to those who weren't a part of it, especially during these uncertain times when my updates aren't always cheery. I say leave the Marco Polo chats for close friends and family and if you want to continue a conversation, pick up a phone.
Houseparty
Houseparty is probably my favorite quarantine-trendy app for face-to-face time. I'm a 90s kid at heart and HP gives me all the AIM feels just with video. It follows the same format of letting people know when you're logged on, or in HP's case "in the house". It even takes it one step further by showing friends who log on if you're already videoing with someone which is a little invasive for me, but not so invasive if you're curious to see who is talking to who because what better way to pass the time than by cyber-stalking? You can lock your chat room if you want, but there's no fun in that.
I enjoy Houseparty mostly because of the games—trivia, Heads Up, Quick Draw and something called Chips and Guac that I have yet to try. It's much more enjoyable than just staring at someone's face if you're all talked out. I had a game night with a friend which consisted of us sipping drinks in our respective homes, he DJ'd, and we played games till I woke up on my living room floor at 3am covered in Oreo crumbs.
I should mention that at some point I snuck away from game night to munch on Oreos because that's what I do after a night out and that was the closest experience I've had to "going out" in weeks. Houseparty and tequila combined will pop any social media introvert's cherry, just save the shenanigans for a Friday night.
The Verdict:
A phone call is still my preferred method of communication unless you think I might want to see your face (aka you're my Grandma, my BFF or trying to be my husband), but we're only a month into this quarantine thing so that might change. There's still plenty of time for me to become a Zoom certified HR exec (I'm pretty sure I made that up), to watch those 70 Marco Polo videos and reply with "LOL", and I may or may not have a secret TikTok account that will go public my next tequila-filled Houseparty chat. Or not.
Social media your own way, not because you feel it's some sort of quarantine-mandated rule. The ones that matter most will find a way to reach you.
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Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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