When I was introduced to shadow work outside of my work as an editor or social media introspection, it was during a conversation with a woman I met through Instagram. Over drinks during our first in-person meeting, she told me about the personal transformation she underwent as a result of enrolling in a shadow work course and said that the woman I encountered that evening would have been so different had she not done such deep inner work.
I saw it as a sign to invest in myself. 2023 for me has been about being intentional with feeling more grounded in my sense of self. This looked like being consistent about my fitness journey for the physical and mental benefits, saying “yes” to cultivating new connections and friendships, establishing routines, and spending more quality time with myself. I didn’t realize it then, but I was experiencing a major life shift. Shadow work making its way to my path felt like a push in the right direction.
It would end up being exactly what I needed because days after my discovery call with my shadow work guide, Jordan Jeppe, my relationship ended. All of this growth I’ve been ushering into this new season of life, and I didn’t think about the loss that could come with it. I was sad, but I reached a point of acceptance at the end of my relationship. I was grateful for who he was and who we were together, but I realized how complacent I had become and how tired I was of the emotional labor I carried and the over-giving I had been doing.
I took it as a sign to switch my Mariposa course with Jordan from Intro to Shadow Work: Discover Your Shadow to Celibacy: A Journey to Deeper Self-Love. Although I love myself and can say that with so much conviction and confidence, there were patterns of behaviors that, even in healthier situations, seemed to pre-determine the relationships I attracted in my life, the role I played in them, and the length of time I’d decide to stay there without much thought or consideration of how I feel and what I need.
Despite being a grown woman in her early 30s, my inner child was subconsciously controlling my narrative. To break the cycle of certain patterns that presented themselves in my work, my relationships, and with myself, my internal world needed to change if I wanted to see a change in my external world.
Little did I know that investing in Jordan’s shadow work course was one of the best gifts I could ever give myself. Amid the work of old wounds, I am finally beginning to heal. Here are some of the biggest lessons I have learned so far.
There are levels to boundaries.
grace helbig beauty GIF by This Might GetGiphySocial media will have you thinking boundaries is the default card you pull when you’re faced with something, someone, a circumstance, or a request where the answer is, “Naw, I’m good.” While I’ve loved the way people have been empowered to say no whenever something is not a resounding hell yes or been able to aptly cut off and readily block people who cross a boundary, I have been relieved to learn that boundaries have levels.
Since I am aware that the way I communicate isn’t as “direct” as I sometimes like to think, I loved the idea of boundaries being a three-step process versus a “one-strike, you’re out” sort of concept it has long since been associated with in my mind.
In one of our early one-on-one coaching sessions, Jordan put me on to a color-coded system for setting boundaries, as specified in Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free:
Green Boundary: low risk, and the gentlest language. Assumes the other person wasn’t aware they were overstepping and wants to respect your limits. Your boundary language is clear, generous, and very kind. Leaves any potential consequences unsaid in the spirit of good faith. Example: "For the health of our friendship, I'd like to ask that we take a week to be no-contact. I need time to process and ask that you respect my request."
Yellow Boundary: elevated risk, and firmer language. Used as a follow-up if your green boundary isn’t respected, or if historical interactions with this person indicate the threat is higher. Yellow may also include an intended consequence, if appropriate.
Red Boundary: severe risk, and your most direct language. At this point, your health, safety, and/or relationship are in jeopardy, and your language must reflect the severity of the situation. It’s still kind, but this is their last reminder and makes it clear that you are prepared to hold your limits. State the consequence plainly here and be ready to enforce it.
Game. Changer.
There is a thin line between being emotionally available and emotionally unavailable.
Pop Tv Bb21 GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphyFor a long time, I thought just because I was a person who was open meant that I was someone who was vulnerable, and therefore since 2 plus 2 equals 4, I was also emotionally available. The answer is not quite. If you identify as a people pleaser, chances are, you are not as emotionally available as you think.
I was rudely awakened to this fact during my course that I am, in fact, emotionally unavailable. My people-pleasing shadow and my codependency shadow tell me so. But also, insecure attachment style types like fearful-avoidant (disorganized), dismissive-avoidant, and anxious tend to be emotionally unavailable to an extent as well. Where I naively believed I couldn’t possibly be codependent because I loved my alone time and independence, I realized after taking stock of what codependency can manifest as in a partnership that, it's me, I’m the problem, it’s me.
Some signs of codependency in a relationship include:
- Taking things personally
- Doing most of the emotional work in the relationship and feeling overly responsible for it
- Trying to “save” or “fix” the person you’re with
- Having a fear of or issues with abandonment
- Not being able to identify your wants or needs in the relationship
- Worrying excessively, especially about how the other person feels
- Obtaining your self-worth or self-esteem by being of service to others
- Having difficulties with setting healthy boundaries
- Internalizing someone’s upsetness or “negative” emotions as something you’ve done
- Focusing on others more than you focus on yourself
- Feeling guilty about saying “no” to others or shame about making mistakes
- Having trouble communicating your true feelings to others
- Putting yourself and your needs last
- Losing yourself
Simply put, if you’re deflecting your feelings, holding yourself back from expressing vulnerability or love, monitoring and managing the emotions and responses of your partner as a means to keep others happy over yourself, you might be emotionally unavailable. It’s impossible to be emotionally available if you are not allowing yourself to be emotionally seen and cared for in the equation of your dynamic with another person because they take up all the emotional space in your world.
Allowing my feelings to be seen has been an internal process as much as it’s been an external one, as I’ve learned to label the feelings I have, sit with them, and even acknowledge myself verbally with the statement, “I see you. I'm acknowledging you. I'm here for you.” Validating my feelings within myself has helped me in communicating them to others as well, especially when it comes to my needs getting met.
As a result of becoming more emotionally available, I have felt myself become more vulnerable. It can be a scary thing, but I now understand that I can’t have the connections in my life that I seek if I am unable to meet them as a result of not meeting myself deeply enough yet.
There is a need to affirm “This is not mine to take on” as a continued practice.
season 1 friends GIFGiphyI shed my first tears pretty early on in my one-on-one sessions with Jordan as I uncovered what it was that first led me to step into the “people pleasing” role I had given myself and had been replaying throughout relational and work dynamics in my life. It was a childhood memory that I shrugged off as it was the way it was, not realizing how much power my unintentional parentification would have on me years later.
Getting to the root of that was the first step of unlearning behaviors I picked up because I subconsciously felt like it was how I received love from other people, and it would lead me to lean on mantras like, “That’s not my job” or “This is not mine to take on” as a tool to help me navigate the discomfort I sometimes felt when detaching from other people’s thinking, their moods, or their feelings. It also showed me the subtle ways I gave my power away in work, friendships, family dynamics, and love by acting instead of being.
I am still learning how to let go of my default of overdoing, overthinking, and overanalyzing – really just absorbing anything that’s not my thoughts or my feelings. I am now practicing what it means to not anticipate responses and over-function as a means to keep myself safe. I am finding safety and security by reminding myself I don’t have to look for my sense of self in how others think and feel. I can’t control others, nor do I want to. My responsibility is me and I am safe with me.
Among the most significant lesson for me so far has been you don’t have to hide from your “shadows.” Shadow work is about understanding that in order to transcend beyond the life, expressions, and beliefs that are subconsciously playing out, you must learn them, name them, and embrace them as a means to usher in self-acceptance and, therefore, your wholeness.
Through the intentional program comprised of the steps of Awareness, Acceptance, Reprogramming, and Embodying, I’m Rihanna right now because “I feel like a brand new person.” I am still healing. And though I know healing and growth will forever be a journey, I feel like a more aware and more realized version of myself.
I feel transformed.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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