

As a marriage life coach, something that my clients know will cause me to roll my eyes all the way back into my head is when they tell me that it’s been a while since they’ve had sex — and it’s all because they don’t have time. Umm, studies say that most people prefer for the literal act of sex (you know, intercourse) to last somewhere between 7-13 minutes, and if you can’t find the time to make that happen a couple of times a week? Yeah, I’ve got questions. Lots and lots of ‘em too.
A favorite quote of mine is by an author by the name of Nick Chellsen. He once said, “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to,” and because sexual intimacy is such an essential part of a long-term committed relationship, I definitely think that couples should be super intentional about prioritizing it. And if it is indeed true that it’s challenging to find — no make — time, then plans should definitely be put in place to have a sexcation…a vacation that is solely devoted to enjoying sex with your partner. And since this year’s Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday, why not make it a sexcation weekend? Just you and your bae enjoying all that copulation has to offer.
Does that sound like a great idea? If so, here are 12 things that can take things up a few more notches on the pleasure and pure ecstasy experience tip.
1. Lighting and Mirrors Are an Absolute Must
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Sex under (or around) candlelight? Does it get any sexier (and sensual and romantic) than that? Hmph, probably not — especially if the candles have an aphrodisiac scent like jasmine, vanilla, or sandalwood. Yeah, very few things are able to immediately set the mood quite like soft lighting. And while I will personally always be a big fan of (soy) candles, I also want to shout-out something that I purchased for my own bedroom: an RGB Smart Lamp. Mine is small, comes with a remote control, and has a variety of shades of different colors to choose from including blue, purple, and red. Definitely, another way to set the tone for a very sexy sexcation.
And while we’re here, don’t underestimate what mirrors can do for you too. By positioning yourself in front of one, not only can it bring out the exhibitionist in you, it can also help you to see, in real-time, the level of desire that your partner has for you because you’re able to visually experience them from other angles. Plus, if there are certain positions that you (both) prefer that make it impossible to have eye contact — that is no longer the issue if you’re having sex in front of a mirror, now is it?
Even if you purchase a full-length one from a local store, you can use it during your sexcation and then keep it in your closet…until the next time that the urge strikes.
2. Hang a Sex-Themed Piñata
I’m a big fan of incorporating a piñata into a sexual experience; so much, in fact, that I mentioned one a few years ago in the article, “I've Got REALLY HOT 15 Spring/Summer-Themed Sex Hacks To Try.” To me, it’s a cute way to bring fun into sex by filling one up with things like flavored condoms and lube, edible panties, and whatever else, sex-themed, you can think of (that will comfortably fit). In the spirit of a sexcation, hang a piñata that is in the shape of — eh hem — “him” (here) and/or “you” (here). With it, the blindfold on y’all’s faces, a bat, and all of the goodies inside, how could a sex-themed piñata not put a few smiles and even laughs on both of your faces? C’mon…
3. Create a Signature Libido-Boosting Mocktail
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Have you ever been to a wedding where the couple featured signature cocktails — or mocktails (non-alcoholic cocktails) — at their reception? Usually, not only are the drinks customized but they are named after something sweet or endearing about the twosome as well. Well, you don’t need a wedding to enjoy your own signature beverage, and the reason why I’m shouting out mocktails is you can get the hydration and health benefits of the ingredients that are in them without the downside of alcohol like hangovers. In fact, some mocktails can even give your libido a boost.
You can check out several delicious recipes via “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too” or, if you want to stick to the Valentine’s Day theme, get inspired by recipes like — Love Potion #9: Sparkling Cherry Spritzer - Valentine's Day Mocktail or Cocktail (here); Creamy Strawberry Cinnamon Mocktail (here); Valentine’s Day Aphrodisiac Mocktail (here); Sparkling Cranberry Kiss (here), or a Fig & Thyme Spritz (here). Add your own ingredients to specialize the drink and don’t forget to give masterpiece a sexy pet name to toast each other with.
4. DIY an Aphrodisiac Gift Basket
Customizing gift baskets can be a lot of fun — especially when the theme and focus is S-E-X. A local arts and crafts store is where you can find a basket and some cellophane wrap. As far as what to put in it: massage candles, edible massage gels, body paint, some (new) handcuffs, scented bath bombs, rose petals, body dust, edibles (check out “7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better” and “Want More Frequent And Intensified Orgasms? Puff, Puff, Pass.” ), sex toys, Reddi-Wip…I think you get the picture. If you fill it up to the brim, you’ll have plenty of items that will keep you (sexually) motivated all weekend long.
5. Buy Each Other…Things to Wear
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Recently, I found myself in a state between finding something comical and damn near being triggered by it when a friend of mine told me that her husband told her that 1) he felt that he basically had no flaws and 2) he certainly doesn’t have them when it comes to how he expresses his love for her. Have mercy. It’s sheer nonsense like this that makes me say, more than I should ever have to, that WE alone cannot tell someone if we are a good lover or friend to them; THEY have to tell us (and vice versa). And what does that have to do with this point?
Although some of us are, certainly more than others, pretty much everyone is visually stimulated on some level and, although we may have some idea of what our partner likes — there’s no telling what we’d have on if it was left up to them to dress us. That said, why not use a Valentine’s Day sexcation as an opportunity to be each other’s…sensual stylist? Agree, beforehand, to only share each other’s sizes and then leave it up to one another to take it from there. You both might learn a thing or two about what (else) turns the two of you on if you do.
6. Increase Your Pheromones
Two things that many folks find themselves wondering about (as far as their legitimacy goes) are aphrodisiacs and pheromones. While aphrodisiacs are somewhat of a complex topic, when it comes to pheromones, specifically, it has been scientifically proven that they are substances/chemicals that one human secretes that grasp the attention of another. And how do sex pheromones increase?
Through exercise, sleep, and foods that contain the natural pheromones androstenone and androstenol including (believe it or not) celery, truffles, parsnips, and a blend of lavender and pumpkin pie. Out of all of this, did you peep that sleep raises (sex) pheromones? All I’m gonna say about that is check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” Sex and sleep? Rinse and repeat? Does a sexcation become any more blissful than that? I highly doubt it.
7. Take an Online Sex Course
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Right around this time, about three years ago, BuzzFeed published an article entitled, “These 22 Black Sex Educators Are Changing The Way We Think And Talk About Sex.” When it comes to this article, what it got me to thinking about is how beneficial it could be to take an online sex course while you and your man are relaxing (and sexing) at home. A married couple whose site is simply called Vanessa and Xander Marin has several courses here. There are also other options that you can find by going to your favorite search engine and putting “online sex courses” in the search field.
8. Play “Sex Truth or Dare”
Listen, if you want to have a potentially stress-filled Valentine’s Day, play “Never Have I Ever” with your partner (chile…that reminds me of the skit “Tiny P? Loose V” by Jade the Fade is startlingly hilarious). On the other hand, if you want to learn more about each other while also having a lot of fun, play a sexual version of the old favorite “Truth or Dare.” If your man chooses “truth,” you can ask things like “What’s your favorite sexual position?,” “Do you prefer oral or intercourse more?” or “What would you like to do that we’ve never attempted before?” — you know, things that will get him to open up to you in some different ways.
As far as dares go? Well, I’ll let you come up with some of those, although my next point can help to inspire you a bit (or you can purchase a Kinky Truth or Dare canister that already has some ideas prepared for you here ).
9. Alternate Sex Fantasies
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Probably the easiest way to explain a fantasy: it’s an idea or concept that is birthed out of your imagination. And here’s the thing — when it comes to executing some of your sexual fantasies, so long as you and your bae are mutually willing to try them out, it can make your sex life more spontaneous, more creative and so much more exciting. That said, in honor of the Valentine’s Day theme of your sexcation, why not start the time together off by agreeing that you each will share a fantasy and that you both will give what’s been said a shot?
Again, it’s got to be something that both feel safe and comfortable with; however, because a lot of couples fall into the rut of just “doing what works,” oftentimes they fail to bring deep desires to the forefront. A sexcation is the perfect time to change that. (By the way, some of the current most popular fantasies include BDSM, having sex in an unusual location, and taking oral sex to another level, so check out “9 Oral Sex Hacks To Make 2025 Your Most Satisfying Year Yet” when it comes to that last one).
10. Be Offline. THE ENTIRE TIME.
Unless you have young children (or sick parents), I don’t know why you need to be reachable during your sexcation. I also don’t know why it’s important to read news, scroll Instagram, or text folks for hours at a time. Hell, you can do all of that stuff when you get back to the real world. For now, enjoy the idea of focusing on no one and nothing else but you and your man. Besides, there is research to support the fact that intentional unplugging helps to reduce stress and stay in the moment which, interestingly enough, can increase your chances of having orgasms too. And speaking of orgasms…
11. Fill Up an “Orgasm Jar”
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Oh, the sex jar. If there is one thing that I wish that I had actually invented for my clients, it’s that. If you’ve never heard of one before, I once wrote about it: “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar”. Long story short, whenever a couple has sex, they should put money in a jar and agree to not take any out until 6-12 months later — then they spend it on something to do together. Whether it’s a movie or an international vacation, it’s totally up to them.
Well, something that I did just make up is an orgasm jar. While you’re on your sexcation, whether it’s from oral sex, intercourse, mutual masturbation, or whatever else, put money into a jar, each and every time one of you climaxes. At the end of the sexcation, go on a date. Again, the kind of date depends on how intentional both of you were (if you know what I mean). #wink
12. Stay Naked (As Much As Possible)
Clothes on…FOR WHAT? With the exception of the sexy fashion show that I referenced earlier, make the mutual decision to rock your birthday suits for the entire Valentine’s Day weekend. Being naked helps to boost your (sexual) self-confidence, keeps your vagina happy, increases male fertility (if baby-making is on the menu), decreases stress and it definitely promotes intimacy. And all of those are ingredients for having an exceptional sexcation.
BONUS: Rent a Vacation House
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The reason why I addressed having a sexcation from the comfort and convenience of your own home is because, if money is tight, that doesn’t mean that you have to skimp out on some mind-blowing sex — not at all. However, I did recently pen a piece about the fact that something as simple as changing the scenery of where you “engage” can also take your sexual experiences up a few notches (check out “How To Level Up Intimacy And Make 2025 Your Hottest Sex Year Yet”). So, if you’ve got a few extra bucks, splurge on a vacation house rental — then “Cupid” each and every room!
Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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The millennial in me is nostalgic at best...and at worst, deeply, deeply yearning. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the past.
In the days of old, community was never hard to find. It was a knock on the door from a neighborhood friend who needed no invitation. It was trading jokes over lunch and lingering strolls after the final bell. It was choir practice on Saturdays and giggling in the pews on Sundays.
The love was free and plentiful, and my cup runneth over.
But there was a certain rhythm to the ’90s and early 2000s. People were ever-present in the most ordinary ways, and fortunately, this followed me well into adulthood. The door knocks have since turned into tequila shots, and brunch on Sundays became my new sanctuary, but you know...same thing!
However, life has changed drastically, and with it, so have we. Sometimes by force (2020..no other words needed, amirite), and other times by the natural, inevitable flow of growing up.
As we age, our identities become more defined. And while the people we’ve always loved still matter deeply, we start to crave new connections and experiences that reflect who we’re becoming.
When COVID reared its ugly head, not only did it disrupt the lives we knew, it pushed us to reevaluate the lives we want… and the people we want in them. For many, it exposed a loneliness that had already been there beneath the surface. It made space for questions we hadn’t slowed down to ask: What do I truly enjoy? Who do I feel most myself around?
After months of quarantine and isolation, we were left craving connection in a deeper, more intentional way. This sparked a renewed interest in “the third space.”
Coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg, the term refers to those places beyond home (first space) and work (second space) where people gather, build relationships, and foster community. Think coffee shops, libraries, dance studios, run clubs, and other environments that offer connection outside of our daily obligations.
My own desire to find like-minded folks has only intensified over the past few years. And as a self-proclaimed medicine woman and wellness enthusiast, I went looking for spaces that felt good, and found more than a few.
So if you're in NYC and searching for places that feed your spirit (and tend to your interests), consider this your starter guide. Whether it's a wellness club, a run group, or a kickball league, these third spaces might just feel like home.
A Safe Space Mentor
My Shaylaaa.
What started out as a simple offering from founder Teya Knapp has grown into one of the most intentional, heartfelt communities I’ve had the privilege to be part of. Together with COO Jasmine Dayze, they have cultivated more than a collective—it’s a movement rooted in community care, softness, and restoration.
A nonprofit centered on mental health advocacy and equity, A Safe Space Mentor has redefined the possibilities of communal healing. With over 22 fully funded retreats to date (yes, free), monthly programs ranging from support groups and hikes to pottery classes, free therapy, and now a physical home at A Safe Place Studios, they’ve built an ecosystem where people can show up fully and be accepted just as they are.
I came across them by chance, but as fate would have it, it allowed me to bloom in ways I never saw coming, surrounded by women who affirm and love me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I’m serious, ya’ll. Even at the risk of sounding dramatic: expect to be changed, to find friends, possibly even family, and maybe a group chat, too.
Beyond their no-cost offerings, they also host weekly yoga and meditation classes, massages, and more. Learn more about this beautiful space here, and keep an eye out for their upcoming Juneteenth gathering.
NARC
Who needs Hinge when there’s a run club? (Kidding... kind of.)
NARC, short for Not a Run Club, is technically a run club but with a twist. Co-founded by Omari Ross and Noah Hutchins, NARC takes a holistic approach to fitness and community. Picture track workouts, dynamic circuits, core finishers, followed by a post-workout brunch with the crew. Sure, the occasional match may be made, but at its core, NARC is about connection, movement, and showing up for yourself and others.
It’s the kind of space where most people arrive solo but rarely leave without a new friend or a new perspective. And personally? I never tire of seeing Black men love on one another out loud.
If you’re looking for a solid sweat (not gonna lie, it gives Olympic training at times), laughs, and folks that show up rain or shine, they’ve got you. Beyond the track, they also host boxing classes, hot yoga sessions, social mixers, and a number of other events. NARC meets every Saturday at McCarren Park at 10 a.m. unless otherwise noted. Learn more here.
The Music Nerds
My favorite part about The Music Nerds? The DJ. Scene Serene, a former music journalist turned vibe curator, created this club out of pure love for music and the Black people who create it. And that love is felt in every detail.
Past functions have celebrated Kendrick Lamar, Black women in music, and Virginia legends, each thoughtfully crafted to tell a story through sound. Here, you’re not just dancing, you’re feeling, remembering, and reflecting, too. Additionally, she kicks off each event with icebreaker quote cards to spark conversation, because the vibe isn’t just in the music; it’s also in the people.
That sense of connection comes full circle in her choice of venues, which are always Black-owned spaces that feel safe and inclusive for all Black folk. After all, if we don’t support each other, who will?
This isn’t just a party. It’s a celebration of culture, connection, and Black joy…and yes, it’s free! She’s cooking up some magic for the summer, so follow her here to stay in the loop.
SociaLight Social Club
For the anti-social socialite or the extrovert who wants a little more intimate play, the SociaLight Club might be your sweet spot.
Nayah, the founder, is all about curating intimate, low-pressure gatherings that bring people together through random yet delightful activities, all while supporting Black-owned businesses in the process.
From coworking days to supper clubs and nights building LEGOs, it’s the kind of space where you can show up as you are and end up discovering new people and new passions. It’s chill, it’s intentional, and very much a vibe. Keep up with her events here.
Recess Kickball League
Black folks deserve to frolic, dilly-dally, and straight-up play. And that’s the spirit behind Recess Kickball League. Though kickball is the anchor, it’s really about reclaiming joy through movement and connection.
Founded by five friends during the lockdowns of 2020 (Emmanuel Maduakolam, Christopher Thomas, Cris Jones, Daemon “Tubbs” Krueger, and Ermias Tessema), the club started as a way to get outside and let loose, and now it’s blossomed into a thriving community with leagues in both LA and Brooklyn.
If you’ve been looking for field day vibes and opportunities to love on your inner child, keep up with them here.
The Free Black Women’s Library
Tucked in the heart of Bed-Stuy, The Free Black Women’s Library is a cozy nook that centers Black women and holds space for book lovers, creatives, and community-builders alike.
Founded by OlaRonke Akinmowo, it functions as more than a library but a cultural hub. While every book is written by a Black woman or non-binary author, she also hosts grief workshops, writing circles, and curated events that honor both healing and imagination, too. Their monthly calendar is packed with offerings that meet you where you are, celebrating who we are and who we’re becoming.
And the best part? You don’t have to buy a book, you can swap one. Bring something you’ve read, and leave with something new. Keep up with them here.
Peak & Pace
This one’s for the runners and the lovers. If you’re looking to meet your future bae who’s into fitness and a good Sunday reset, Peak & Pace might just be your new favorite link.
Founded by London native Owen Akhibi after relocating to NYC, the club was born out of something a lot of us know too well: feeling a little lonely in a big city. So he created a space that brings people together who just so happen to run.
Every meetup ends with a social, and some runs come with fun themes like wearing flags repping your country to wristbands signaling your relationship status (lovers tap in!). Off the track, they host yoga, comedy nights, parties, and other events to build real connections. They meet every Saturday at Prospect Park at 10 a.m. Tap in with them here.
Free Peace Meditation Club
Free Peace Meditation Club offers a rare pause in the middle of NYC’s bustling Lower East Side, encouraging folks to be still in the midst of chaos while finding beauty in it, too. What began as a simple conversation between Kenji Summers and Angelo Baque has blossomed into a welcoming sanctuary where New Yorkers gather to unplug, recenter, and recharge.
Hosted monthly at the artfully decorated Awake NY, this community-driven experience invites participants to reconnect through guided reflection, mindful breathwork, and thoughtfully curated music that features the rich sounds of New York’s rap, R&B, and jazz artists. FPANYMC stands as a powerful affirmation that stillness is not a luxury but an essential practice. Keep up with them here.
Knot Okay Club
This one’s for the soft girls, the creatives, and anyone who’s ever needed to crochet their stress away.
Knot Okay Club brings Black women and non-binary folks together through fiber arts. It’s about slowing down, making something with your hands, and feeling held while you do it. The work might be small and intentional, but the connection? That’s the magic. Learn more about them here.
Girls That Gather
Lauren Franco started Girls That Gather after moving to NYC and realizing just how hard it can be to find genuine connections as an adult.
What began as a way to bring women together has grown into a go-to space for meaningful conversation and real friendship. From curated dinner parties to small, cozy events, everything is designed to feel easy and intentional. No awkward networking energy, just good vibes and even better people. Learn more about them here.
Adanne Bookshop
Adanne is one of those places that makes you want to linger.
Tucked away in Brooklyn and owned by educator Darlene Okpo, this Black woman-owned bookshop is as intentional as it is inviting. The books are curated with care, the energy is warm, and the events, from author talks to community gatherings to incense-making, always leave you a little more full than when you walked in.
It’s not just a bookstore; it’s a cultural anchor. Check out their events here.
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