Why This Intercultural Couple Chooses Faith As The Foundation In Their Marriage
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
For Billboard-charting hip-hop artist Call Me Ace, he met his match when he met his now-wife, attorney Roza Patterson, at his college birthday party. On this particular night, in 2011, Ace and Roza shared with each other their ambitions and their dreams after college. With both of them living in two different states, they had no idea that the strength of their connection would withstand the physical distance between them.
According to Ace, what drew him to Roza was the fact that "she loves so much. She has taught me to be less self-centered." For Roza, "it's the way he celebrates other people. He is so supportive of others." This couple maintained their long-distance love until they finally walked down the aisle in 2016.
For Roza and Ace, this month marks their five-year anniversary and they have centered their marriage in being aligned spiritually and purposefully. With combining their Jamaican and Ethiopian cultures, Ace and Roza made it their mission to build together in love and serve each other to reach the ultimate #RelationshipGoals. With Ace being an artist, his recent song "Love Goals" talks about the core principles of his marriage, and how he and Roza continue to work hard and trust in God to take them to the top.
When you love someone, having faith as your foundation helps you get through the best of times and the worst of times. Ace mentions, "Instead of thinking of these instances as negative, we took these moments as opportunities to help build together in this project called marriage." Whether you are married, engaged, or in the beginning stages of dating, a partnership is about togetherness. It highlights the importance of focusing on the journey of love and trusting that your faith will guide you to the ultimate destination.
Courtesy of Ace and Roza
In this installment of xoNecole's "Our First Year", Ace and Roza share how they kept their love alive during long-distance, how they keep God as their foundation, and truly support each other's dreams in their marriage.
Here's their story:
How They Met
Ace: I recently graduated from Columbia University and was having a birthday party on campus. A mutual friend of ours attended the party and Roza came with [the mutual friend]. My first impression of Roza was I thought she was a literal angel. I never met anyone like her. I was fresh out of college and I didn't have much. So after talking to Roza for a while, I compared what she was doing with her life versus where I was in my life. I couldn't even be her friend because I figured I was going to mess up her life (laughs). My attitude was that she was doing so great for herself, so she should just leave me or she would regret it (laughs).
Roza: I really didn't know anyone at the party. So to make myself more comfortable, I figured I would talk to the birthday boy. We basically talked all night and we exchanged social media information. Ace was definitely the most interesting person I talked to that night. When I met Ace, I thought he was a good listener. At the time, I recently got out of a relationship, so I wasn't looking to hop into another one. Even though I liked talking with him, I really didn't think anything would happen between us.
The One
Roza: When I met Ace, I had made a commitment with the Lord that I would not take action into anything unless hearing from the Lord first. A lot of people say "when you know you know" and for me I patiently waited for the Lord to tell me that Ace was my person. When the moment finally happened, it was all excitement from then on out.
Ace: Roza and I were long-distance the entire time before we got married. At a point in our relationship, Roza had a choice to choose between Columbia [my alma mater] or a school in the UK. She chose the school in London. I was mad at the situation because I took it as a sign that we weren't meant to be together.
But one day, while I was praying and writing in my journal, I heard this question, "Has Roza wronged you in any way? If so, leave. But if not, you should love her through this." I took that as a sign that if this is God's will, then so be it. So after Roza's Master's program was over, I was convinced that if we can make it through an international long-distance relationship, we can make it through anything.
"A lot of people say 'when you know you know' and for me I patiently waited for the Lord to tell me that Ace was my person. When the moment finally happened, it was all excitement from then on out."
Courtesy of Ace and Roza
The Big Day
Roza: One thing I do remember on our wedding day is that Ace actually surprised me with a song. I was completely shocked (laughs). Ace and I planned our wedding to a T. But after our first dance, I see the DJ walking over with the mic. I'm telling the DJ we don't need the mic, it's fine (laughs). But little did I know, Ace started performing his song and I was blown away. Ace told me when we were planning the wedding that he didn't want me to stress and that his job was to make me happy. He definitely did that.
Ace: One thing I remember is that when the wedding was all done, we ran into another married couple. They had this huge white old-school car and Roza and I asked if we could take a picture with them and their buggy. Then, we were slick and got them to take our picture by ourselves in front of their car (laughs). It was one of the dopest pictures ever.
Early Challenges
Roza: When Ace graduated from Columbia, he started at an unpaid internship. In my head I thought, 'Who starts an unpaid internship after college, we need to be getting jobs.' (laughs). So basically, he didn't have any money. I started to wonder if he would be able to provide for me in the future. I struggled with this and even thought about giving up on our relationship. But I am glad the Lord worked with me on that. I value security and I believe everyone does. But finances is not what I wanted to base our relationship on. In the end, he is providing for me more than I can ever imagine now. So I am glad I let go of that.
Ace: So the challenges as far as culture, what we like to eat, or different sleeping patterns hit us after we got married. But for us, it wasn't really a challenge per se. It was actually pretty fun. We have never lived together before, so it was all new for us and we were able to experience everything for the first time together. Instead of thinking of these instances as negative, we took these moments as opportunities to see how we build together in this project called marriage.
Biggest Fears
Ace: My biggest fear, and I am still working through this, I just want to be a good husband. In the beginning, I feared that our relationship would crumble because of me. The way I grew up, I didn't have a lot of role models on what a healthy black relationship looked like. All of it was new for me and even my family. So there's this pressure to not mess things up. But I submit my fears to the Lord and it is an everyday choice to trust in God and lead in loving one another.
Roza: One of my biggest fears was that we had different upbringings. I am Ethopian-American and he's Jamaican. My other siblings married other Ethiopians, so I was scared about how our different cultural backgrounds would blend together. I struggled between if my family would accept him or if I should do what my siblings did, because that's easier.
But God is so gracious, because I learned that above anything, you and your partner comes first. If I would have listened to those fears, I would have lost out on this amazing man and our beautiful marriage. When you are with someone that you know you love, don't use money, looks, culture, etc. as an excuse to break that up.
"If I would have listened to those fears, I would have lost out on this amazing man and our beautiful marriage. When you are with someone that you know you love, don't use money, looks, culture, etc. as an excuse to break that up."
Courtesy of Ace and Roza
Love Lessons
Ace: One of the scriptures in the Bible, it says love doesn't demand its own way. I think that is so powerful because in marriage, we are both individuals with our own perspectives. So it is not about living your life your own way anymore. It is about how we mend things together into one. One of the ways we keep our marriage intact is we have these relationship summits. We are working on a better name for them (laughs).
Every quarter, we travel somewhere and take a couple of days to sit and talk. Whatever are the hot topics in our marriage during that time, we have a chance to talk them through and our goals moving forward. This is really our safe space for one another to lay everything out on the table and the other person's job is to actively listen. I am really thankful for those times.
Roza: One of the lessons I have learned is that you can not treat love as a feeling. In marriage, love is action. Love translates through service. You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving. With that said, it's important to remind yourself that there are times you will show you love your partner whether you feel like it or not. I have to show up no matter what for my teammate.
"One of the lessons I have learned is that you can not treat love as a feeling. In marriage, love is action. Love translates through service."
Best Advice
Ace: A happy wife is a happy life. Period (smiles).
Roza: The only competition in your marriage is to see who can outserve each other. Marriage should not be for tit for tat. You should be serving your partner simply because that is what you are called to do.
For more of Ace and Roza, follow them on Instagram @rozapatterson and @callmeacelegit. You can also check out Ace's most recent album, Out of Office, here.
Featured image courtesy of Ace and Roza
'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
As I’m in the process of writing a follow-up to what I call my “sexual autobiography,” it’s interesting that while I’m not nearly talking about as much “sex fallout” as before (you’ve got to be having as much sex in order to do that), as I’m revisiting my past and updating readers on it, one word that just keeps on coming up is SAFE.
Honestly, it’s not just sexually where "safe" has become a real theme word for me and how I (now) choose to live. And that’s because, looking back over a significant portion of my life, “safe” was not something that was prioritized because safe wasn’t something that was (consistently) modeled or expressed to me.
And, as I oftentimes say, when you’ve been raised around dysfunction, you tend to do what’s familiar instead of what is actually right — right means what’s good for you, what’s rooted in facts and truth, what’s appropriate, what’s most favorable (beneficial) and what will keep you in solid holistic health.
For something or someone to be safe, they need to, as much as possible, be proactively intentional about keeping you from “harm, injury, danger or risk;” they need to be dependable and trustworthy; they need to (synonyms for "safe") protect you, cherish you, keep you out of danger, shield you, leave you undamaged, uninjured and unhurt. Yeah, to do safe things and be among safe people? That is more than a notion.
As far as romantic relationships, in general, go, check out “This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship” when you get a sec. Today, though, let’s talk about what safe sex is all about — because if you think that it only consists of using a condom (which, unfortunately, most folks are failing miserably at even that these days — SMDH), words cannot express how much culture and society have failed you.
Safe sex actually has billions of layers. Over the course of a few moments, I will attempt to merely scratch the surface.
Physically
GiphySo let’s address the most obvious point first: your body. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that whenever you hear the phrase “safe sex,” what immediately comes to mind is birth control, more specifically, bringing a condom into the mix. I mean, to a certain extent, that should be the case because condoms help to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STIs/STDs. And you know what? What’s sad about even this is that even though condoms continue to be one of the most reliable forms of protection,only one-third of men and one-fourth of women actually use them — and even then, not consistently so.
And y’all, you can’t tell me that this doesn’t play a role in reportedlythree million unplanned pregnancies, with half of those ending in induced terminations annually. Yes, people, unless you are in a mutually-determined, long-term committed relationship, with some other sort of birth control plan in use (unless you’re currently trying to conceive), WRAP IT UP.
However, physically safe sex also means that you need to be serious about your sexual health in general. For instance, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they got herpes from someone who either never got tested for STIs/STDs or was asymptomatic, so they didn’t test on an annual basis. Or even beyond sexually transmitted infections/diseases, they ignored side effects from oral birth control or symptoms related to urinary tract infections (UTIs), bladder infections, or tissue ruptures from vaginal and/or anal sex, which led to all sorts of unexpected (some major, some not) health-related complications up the road.
Not to mention how many folks — even grown-ass ones — still fail to acknowledge that there is no such thing as consequence-free oral sex, in the sense that you can get STIs/STDs from those, too (I have shared before that I know a guy who got an STD from receiving head not giving it). Yeah, and don’t even get me started on how sex, when you’re on your cycle, can actuallyincrease your chances of getting some type of sexually transmitted infection or disease.
Bottom line on this one, across all lines, as far as your health is concerned, sex is a BIG DEAL. Humans can be made from the act, and no other activity between two people can say the same.
So, if you’re going to engage, you need to get tested before sleeping with a new partner; you need to stay getting tested every 6-12 months (all the while making sure that your partner(s) are doing the same); you need to use condoms at all times (don’t be out here putting it on right before your partner is going to ejaculate either; pre-ejaculate can surprise you…and not always in a good way); you need to know your body so well that you will notice almost immediately if/when something is different is transpiring with your health — and honestly, you need to try and know someone well enough beforehand so that their character indicates that they wouldn’t want to hurt or harm you on the physical tip anyway.
This brings me to the next type of safe sex that needs to be tackled…
Mentally/Emotionally
GiphyI’m willing to bet my next writing paycheck that if we were to ask every person on this planet who’s had sex with at least three people in their lifetime if they’ve ever been (or at least felt like they’ve been) mentally or emotionally manipulated into copulation, they would say “yes” without hesitation — not just women, men too because the reality is that if you’re using sex as a tool to get what you want, you are being manipulative, and since manipulation is a form of control and being controlled in a relational dynamic is potentially harmful…manipulation is definitely unsafe (check out “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”).
So, what are some clear signs that someone is amaster manipulator when it comes to a sexual dynamic?
- They gaslight you (cause you to think that your facts and truth about sex aren’t real or are invalid);
- They downplay your feelings, concerns, needs, and/or wants about sex;
- They use guilt or ultimatums to get you to have sex (or a certain kind of sex);
- They make you feel unreasonable for the boundaries and/or principles that you have surrounding sex;
- They give you the silent treatment or cold shoulder if you don’t do what they want (both in and outside of the bedroom);
- They distort the facts about themselves, you, or sex, in general, in order to get their way;
- They start fights when they can’t get their way when it comes to sex.
And hell, that’s just for starters! And before some of y’all want to point your fingers solely at the fellas, let me show you how some of my female married clients manipulate sex: they’re suddenly “in the mood” for it if they did something wrong and they’re trying to find a way to not hold themselves accountable or apologize. As far as how some of my single female clients get down, when they want a particular item, they will offer up sex, hoping that will help them to get it (or get it quicker). Hey, just because these tactics are common, that absolutely does not make them right.
Another way that some people will be mentally/emotionally manipulative with sex is they will “falsely advertise” it. What I mean by that is — say that someone is ready to get engaged or married, and their partner is a bit hesitant because they’re wondering if things will change after jumping the broom. Someone who uses manipulation may offer up a ton of sex to convince their partner that marriage will be complete and utter bliss, only to ration it out after saying, “I do. Happens all of the time.
And here’s the thing about that — as unpopular as it may be to say or hear, not only are you unfaithful to your marriage vows if you promise fidelity and sleep around, you’re also unfaithful if you expect someone to be monogamous when you’re not treating sex as a responsibility in a marriage and aren’t engaging in it (if you’re physically able) on a consistent basis (hey, take it up with Scripture: I Corinthians 7:5).
Oh, I could go on (and on and on) about how much sex is manipulated in relationships. For now, I’ll just leave you with the fact that motive reveals a ton — and if you and/or your partner’s motive in sex is to try and control on some level, that is sho ‘nuf a mental/emotional example of unsafe sex.
Spiritually
GiphyOne of my all-time favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16: “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” Mysteries are revelations. Indeed, there are revelations within the act of sex that are just as profound as the physical experiences that transpire within it. That’s another message for another time, though. Anyway, if you’re not a Bible, Quran, or Torah reader, then I won’t assume you know that holy Scriptures advocate for sex within marriage; those books say that sex was designed specifically for that dynamic and union. Full stop.
However, when I speak of “spiritually safe sex,” I’m (also) coming from the angle of an article that I wrote about four years ago for the platform: “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual,' Anyway?” Even if Scripture is not your basis and blueprint for how you strive to live your life, as I said in the article, spirit oftentimes speaks to one’s soul. The Hebrew word for soul is nephesh, and that is about your life: your desires, your passions, your appetite, your emotions — the things that make you, YOU.
Listen, Scripture says that sex makes two people one (Genesis 2:24-25). Thanks to oxytocin, science says something along those lines as well (becauseit bonds you to people through sex, kissing, and cuddling). Speaking of science, although TikTok ramblers may not want to talk about it, you should definitely check out TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring” sometime (I’ll just leave that right there) — and so yes, you absolutely should factor in that sex has a way of affecting (and, if you don’t choose wisely, infecting) your spirit — your soul…YOURSELF.
So yeah, even outside of what holy books say about sex, it’s wise for all of us to factor in that our spirit is not just about what and who we desire. It’s about whether our appetite is going to throw off our emotional stability; it's about whether our passions are going to negatively impact the course of our life; it's about whether being with someone for a few moments is going to compromise ourselves in a way that is truly not beneficial for us.
And how does all of this shake out in a non-religious-yet-still-super-spiritual kind of way? One of my all-time favorite quotes immediately comes to mind:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
A spiritually safe sexual relationship will never call you to sacrifice (in a codependent way because, by definition, sometimes sacrifices are both necessary and good) your core being or who you are becoming. It will actually do the opposite by helping you to become a better person when it comes to how you handle your emotions, how you regulate your desires and appetites, and how you ultimately choose to live out your life.
Real talk, A LOT of people are in sexually unsafe relationships as far as their spiritual life goes. A part of the reason is because they don’t take the time to ponder, process, and really learn what their spirit is, what it needs, and the signs that a person, place, thing, or idea is ultimately detrimental to/for it. I hope all of what I just said sheds some light when it comes to that…for you.
Personally
GiphyThe word “personal” basically means oneself, which is yourself. Whenever the saying “come to oneself” is said, it pretty much means that someone has come to their senses, and coming to one’s senses is all about thinking rationally and reasonably; it’s about acting from a place of consciousness. It’s about not doing things that are wrong or foolish. Yeah, the word “personal” is a pretty loaded one.
As I close this out, let’s go back to “consciousness” for just a sec. To be conscious is to be self-aware. Some popular traits ofa self-aware individual:
- Being able to manage your emotions
- Actually listening to your conscience
- You don’t talk yourself out of facts and truths (meaning reality)
- You don’t do what you know will cause you or others pain
- You’re kind and empathetic
- You’re not controlling
- You don’t excuse or justify poor choices
- You break habits that no longer serve you
- You are constantly on the path of self-improvement
- You are open to trying new things — even at the cost of releasing the old
Chile, do you see how if you’re involved with someone sexually and these things HONESTLY aren’t happening to and for you, you are in a sexually unsafe situation? No matter how good someone makes you feel, they are ultimately to your detriment (if not immediately, eventually) if they are costing you your self-awareness on all fronts. It’s not worth it…HEAR ME WHEN I YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT YOU NEED TO LET IT…GO. Nothing that costs you self-awareness is safe. NOTHING.
___
Yeah, safe sex definitely has prophylactics involved yet, as you can see, it is about so much more than that. Y’all life is precious, and as the Chinese proverb goes, “It’s later than you think.” Love yourself enough to move in ways that are safe — this includes in the bedroom. Because if the sex ain’t safe, across the board, at the end of the day…it’s really not worth it.
Please don’t learn (or keep learning) this the hard way. Okay?
Y’all stay safe out here. LITERALLY.
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images