I'll never forget when a woman called to talk to me about a man she was in love with who she was considering marrying. "There's just one thing, though," she said with a pause. "He doesn't like oral and he prefers to only have sex in the missionary position." What was my response? "Sooo…you're okay with sex being like that for the rest of your life?" to which she replied, "Do you really think that something like this should be a deal-breaker?" Short answer, y'all? YES.
"Yes" in the sense that, if there is something that you really want, even to the point of needing it sexually, and your partner is firm and steadfast on NOT giving it to you then, I don't see how you're going to be truly happy or even at peace in the relationship; especially long-term. But that's just me.
Okay, but what if either you can find tons of other reasons to push your sexual needs aside (which I am totally impressed with if you can, by the way) or you are already married to someone; someone who, you had no idea was as sexually conservative as they have proven themselves out to be? If that is the case, what should you do then?
Other than prayer for patience and strength on the daily, I've got a few ideas that could make things more bearable for you and also easier for them to consider leaning a little more into the direction of your blessed freakiness.
Figure Out Why They Are the Way They Are
There are a billion and one (and then some) reasons why people are the way they are when it comes to what they will and won't do in the bedroom. I know some folks who think oral sex is a sin because either church or their culture taught them so. People have told me that they think sex should only be in certain positions because acts like doggy style hinder intimacy. Some women have said that they think that sperm on their bodies is degrading.
One woman told me that it took her a good year into her marriage to feel comfortable with her husband buying her lingerie because her parents taught her that was what "fast girls" wear (I know, right?). Like I said, I could go on and on, but the main point I'm trying to make is, if you've got a partner who is more conservative than you are, the first thing that you should do is figure out why. More times than not, it's not because they are inherently selfish or not interested in pleasing you; it's more due to what they've been taught or told.
Pretty much any reputable relationship counselor, therapist or life coach is going to vouch for the fact that sex is a lot more satisfying when two people have their guards totally down while being mentally and emotionally in sync with one another. By providing a safe space for your partner to share with you why they are the way that they are, that can build trust. It can also make them more open to trying new things. Maybe not immediately but…eventually.
Clearly Express WHY You’ve Got the Needs That You Do
Everyone is an adult here, right? A man I know, who is bisexual, once told me that before he got married, he told his wife that fellatio was super important to him. A part of the reason why is because that is when he felt the most aroused by women. Prior to marrying him, his partner stated that it was something that she absolutely loved to do. Years into their marriage, though, he ended up being able to count on one hand, just how many times he was on the receiving end of oral sex. All kinds of drama—a sexless marriage which led to an affair which led to distrust on both sides—ensued. Say what you want to say about what his request/need was; the point is his wife knew about his sexuality and what his needs were beforehand. She signed up for both and then—I don't know how else to put it—she "false advertised" and then…reneged.
Some people need oral sex in order to orgasm. Some people have fetishes because that is what sexually stimulates them most. Some people constantly like to try new things because it keeps them from getting bored when they are in an exclusive relationship. If you've got a certain "thing" that you like to do that your partner can very easily go without, share with them why it's so important to you. Chances are, even if they aren't totally down for what you're into, the two of you will be able to negotiate and find a place of compromise (which is probably better than where you were before you said anything at all).
Find Ways to Turn Your “Freakiness” into an Emotional Connection
Those of us with high libidos (check out "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.") and a BIG IMAGINATION sometimes overlook a very valid reason for why we might potentially intimidate our partners. Unless we came into the relationship as virgins, we had a sexual past. And based on how secure (or insecure) our partners are with the relationship and within themselves (not necessarily in that order, by the way), what they might struggle with is not so much what we're into but…who we used to be into the same things with before they came onto the scene.
The past is the past. There's nothing any of us can do to change it. Yet an effective way to ease your partner into what you like to do is to take what gets you off beyond physical pleasure. Be intentional about creating an emotional bond as well. Whatever it is that you're into, by making sure they know that there is no one else you'd rather do "it" with, that can take the act from being seen as nothing more than "live porn" or a walk down your sexual memory's lane into something that is truly special between the two of you.
Cultivate Creative Approaches
Like sex toys? Have their favorite Spotify playlist turned up in the background. Into bondage? Let them tie you up first. Want to record everything? Ask them to tape you doing a strip tease on their phone (first). Are you a huge dirty talker? Do some sexting throughout the day. Ask them "sexy/naughty" questions during the act. Want to try a new position? Start off with a ton of foreplay (so that they'll be too turned on to say "no"). Like to have sex anywhere but your bedroom? Meet them at the door naked and ready so they'll forget where your bedroom even is. Prefer to have oral sex (on the receiving end) to last longer? Invest in some flavored lube (one that tastes like their favorite fruit or chocolate). You get where I'm going with all of this.
Even if your partner is more on the conservative side, if you are able to approach him in a way that makes him feel more comfortable and more aroused at the same time, the sky is pretty much the limit in what you can actually convince them to do (or do more often).
Seduce. Don’t Push.
The art of the seduction. It's something that a lot of people sleep on. That's unfortunate too because, when it comes to having some really good, totally out-of-the-box, intensely gratifying sex, seduction is one of the best ways to take you there. An author by the name of Camille Paglia once said, "Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle." Just like we like to feel wanted and desired, so does our partner.
Seduction helps to relax a person. Seduction keeps them from thinking too hard. Seduction makes someone feel like they are the most lusted person on the planet.
When trying to get your more conservative partner to take a walk on the wild side, don't nag, push or bruise his ego. Just be your natural sexy self while letting him know that even the things that he's never tried before can be more than he ever thought they would be because he is partaking in them with you. Now, how can he refuse that? Exactly.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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