Father's Day may have come and gone, but any time is the perfect time to celebrate the men in our lives who have helped us in a multitude of ways. And for some of us, fathers have played a major role in how we view wealth, manage our finances, and hustle for the best out of life. According to recent research, more than 80% of American adults believe that parents are "the most responsible" for educating their children about money,
We caught up with a couple of power women to talk about the money lessons they learned from their fathers, and the lessons they hope to pass on to their children:
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SaVonne Anderson, Founder & CEO, Aya Paper Co.
SaVonne Anderson's father, James Anderson, was an entrepreneur who graduated from Rutgers University and would later launch Anderson Aquariums. "He worked full-time in public education until 2007 when he pursued his aquarium maintenance business full time," she recalls. "I watched him successfully transition his hobby into a side gig, into a successful career that provided for our family."
Anderson got bit by the entrepreneurial bug as well, and now runs her own brand, Aya Paper Co., offering eco-friendly stationery. It's a product that reflects her passion for advocating for the environment and creating sustainability that will decrease waste.
She says one of the best pieces of advice she received from her father was when she landed her first job, working at a summer camp at 14. "My dad helped me set up my first checking and savings accounts, and the first thing he taught me was to put something in my savings all the time. It’s a simple habit that I still remind myself of to this day to make sure I’m always planning for the future," she said.
Anderson also would accompany her father to work as a child and would be tasked with handling checkbook balancing and keeping receipts. "As I got older, he helped me set up my first investment account and create a plan for how to pay student loans. Now as an adult with my own six-figure business and family to plan for, he is my No. 1 supporter from the sidelines and always reminds me that I have a lot of lessons and experience to rely on when things get hard."
She also learned a key lesson about enjoying the money you earn and the freedom it can bring. "Growing up, he worked very hard to make sure our family was always taken care of, often at the expense of doing things for himself. However, in recent years I’ve seen him slow down, and spend more time and money on things that bring him joy. He showed me that managing money doesn’t mean simply hoarding it, but using it to create a life I love."
Courtesy of Aryis T. Scales
Aryis T. Scales, President, Walker's Legacy Foundation
Aryis T. Scales spent her early years living with her father after her parents' divorce. She describes him as a "free spirit" who advocated for Black pride and power. One prolific memory she has of her father when it comes to money advice involved a real-life lesson on values that she got when she was 10 years old. "He said, ‘Never sell your soul to the devil.’ And I remember this conversation like it was yesterday," she recalled. "We were in the bathroom, and I had the hot water on and I said ‘Daddy, what if somebody offered you [money], would you place your hand under this hot water and let it burn you?’ And he said ‘Little Bit, no. And don’t you ever sell your soul to the devil.’ As soon as you start doing things that are in that nature or vein, you’re selling your soul and you don’t want to do that. As I think about my journey and relationship with money, I always strive to have a relationship that’s healthy, and a relationship that allows me to be authentic and true to who I am."
Her father passed away when she was a teen, and she is grateful for that early memory and other moments she was able to share with him. "He was a renaissance man, true and true. Just very eclectic, a non-conformist, not traditional and he was a Black nationalist," she added. "Growing up for me was my norm but it was unique compared to my friends and other kids in the neighborhood. I’d be in the house and he’d always be having these intellectual circles at the house. At any given day, it would be men and women sitting around talking about building Black economic power or Black liberation. He volunteered and had a center called the African Center where they did a lot of educational classes for people in the community."
She also remembers her father struggling to keep a job due to his free-spirited nature. "He was definitely a nonconformist. He was always in and out of work. Part of that is what also influenced me in the way that it did because I wanted to make sure that I always had financial security and stability."
Today, Scales balances her 9-to-5 as the president of a foundation whose legacy stems from hair industry pioneer Madam C.J. Walker, advocating for Black women in business. She's also become a successful entrepreneur in her own right, founding Abel Vision Enterprises, an organizational consultancy.
"I like to enjoy myself, but I just never want to be someone whose lifestyle is contingent upon me, essentially selling my soul. Always having to think about chasing money just to have a certain car, live in a certain neighborhood or to have certain clothes. I have all of that but I still do it in a way that’s below my means," she shared. "I make sure I pay myself first. Whatever I make, I don’t care if it’s from a paycheck, a contract, or a speaking engagement, 30% of that off top goes to me and goes to an investment or a savings or a new venture because I want to make sure I have security and freedom."
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That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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