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How To Make Him Better At Oral (Without Putting Him On The Spot)
When it comes to the topic of oral sex, I can tell you, off the rip, that if there's one thing that both men and women can agree on, it's the fact that far too many people think that so long as they've got their mouth somewhere in the vicinity of their partner's genitalia, they are actually doing something. Absolutely not. Not even close.
At this point, I'm not sure I can be too "TMI" when it comes to the things that I share about my own life, including my sex life (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners"). So, when it comes to oral sex, specifically, I'll just put on out there that I actually asked my second sex partner to give me some lessons on how to do it in a way where he would be more than happy that I was "down". Personally, I was on a mission to take him to heights that were pleasurable beyond measure. He was a great teacher. I'll just leave it at that. #wink
It's because of him and all that I learned that I am a huge fan of folks not settling for less, yes, even when it comes to oral sex. So, if you happen to have a partner who is ready and willing to please, yet he's not really "hittin' on all cylinders" (if you know what I mean), I've got a few tips on how you can get him to perform cunnilingus, just the way you like it, without making him feel embarrassed, self-conscious or uncomfortable in the process.
Know What You Like
How in the world can someone please you if you don't even know what you like? And if the first thing that you want to say to me is, "I mean, so-and-so did it right", my first reply is, "Your current partner is not so-and-so" and my second is, "OK…and what does 'right' mean?". While there is so much to be said for sexual chemistry and the fact that some people just automatically gel, when that doesn't happen with the next person, that doesn't (automatically) mean they are a bad sex partner (check out "Is There REALLY Such A Thing As 'Bad Sex'?"). Sex is an ultimate form of communication, so it's important that you know what really turns you on and gets you off so that you can articulate all of that to him. Otherwise, expecting him to read your mind makes you a part of the reason why you're not getting what you want — and need. Straight up.
Play Some Music
I remember once reading that, from a scientific standpoint, R&B music has a way of putting us in a romantic mood while calming our senses at the same time. I definitely have no objections there and that's why I recommend putting on some R&B music during the act. For one thing, dead silence could potentially make you nervous while leaving your partner feeling self-conscious. Plus, when you're both listening to some of your favorite jams, that can put everyone involved at ease, making it easier to let loose and go with the flow.
Bring in Some Condiments
A couple of months ago, I wrote, "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious" for the platform. Hmm, that reminds me. Do any of y'all remember the restaurant The Cooker from back in the day? They used to sell a pie that was beyond wonderful. Anyway, if you got it to-go, all of the condiments would come on the side — stuff like chocolate syrup, whipped cream and caramel sauce. One of my favorite past sex partners, we took that back to the hotel room I was staying in and as I put some down around "her" (again, #wink), I remember he exclaimed, "Thank you. THANK YOU!" followed by, "my favorite two things in one!".
Yeah, sex condiments are dope on a few levels. They can make sex more fun and delicious (literally). If it's your partner's first time with you (or maybe first time, period), it can make them less "anxious" about entering into that space. And because — let's be honest — if things are going well, there is quite a bit of bodily fluid going on, it can make it easier for him to take it all in. For instance, you can put the condiment where you especially like to be licked and, believe you me chile, he will eat it right on up (pun intended and not intended at the same time) without hesitation.
Kiss His Lips…the Way You Want Yours Kissed
Ever been with someone who acts like they're trying to literally lick the Black off of you during oral sex? Like sir, relax. Sometimes men think that just because they want fellatio with a certain level of intensity that we are the same way when that oftentimes isn't the case at all. A way to get him to be a little more gentle is to take his face into your hands and let him know that the way you are about to kiss him up top is the way that you desire to be kissed down below. I know this is pretty effective because I've recommended it to some of my married clients and it improved things tremendously. One husband told me that it was because men like to be shown more than told what to do (sexually) a lot of the time. Makes sense. This actually brings me to my next point.
Avoid Being an “Oral Nazi”
Not too long ago, I did an interview where I was asked if I ever get triggered in counseling sessions. Chile…CHILE. You don't have the time and I don't have the writing space to get into all of that. What I will say is what tops the list is listening to someone who can dish criticisms — if not all-out berating — all day long and yet can't take it from their partner one bit. Where I am going when it comes to this particular topic is, how would you feel if "he" thought you sucked at giving head…and not in a good way? As a direct result, the entire time you were doing it, he barked directives at you? Well, you know what the Golden Rule says — a variation of it is don't dish what you can't take. Spending the entire time saying "do this" or "don't do that" is not only a little demeaning, it also doesn't make him want to continue…or return. There are other ways to get your points(s) across. One way is right below this.
Guide Him via Your Body Language
I'm pretty sure that you've heard somewhere that around 90 percent of communication is non-verbal. What a lot of experts are now saying is it's more like 55 percent of communication is body language, 38 percent is tone of voice (a lot of people underestimate that part) and seven percent are actual words.
Either way, the greatest takeaway is that body language is huge when you're trying to convey something to someone else. Pulling his head into you. Guiding his fingers. Moving your pelvis either towards him (signaling "good") or away (signaling "not so good"). Slowly gyrating when you like something and slowing significantly down when you don't. Opening yourself up with your fingers so that he can get right where you want him to be. All of these are ways to get him to do — and not do — the things that you like…each without saying a single word.
Be His “Motivation”
To this day, I don't think there's a song (or visual) by Kelly Rowland that I like more than "Motivation". And listen, if there is ever a time and place when a man doesn't mind hearing "go, go, go…GO", it's during the act of sex. While I'm not the biggest fan, overall, of egos being in the bedroom, being your partner's ultimate cheerleader while he is doing all that he can to make you happy? I am definitely all about that. If dirty talk inspires him, do it. If he's hitting the right places, let him know. If you're on the brink of climaxing, find a way, verbally, to make that abundantly clear in order to boost his confidence to bring you to completion. Far too many fellas have told me that even if cunnilingus isn't their favorite thing in the world to do, hearing their partner get super hype makes it something that they look forward to…just on sheer hype-ness alone.
Stay in the Moment
One of the biggest mistakes that people make when it comes to sex — any kind of sex — is being so caught up in the end result that they don't take out the time to just…be in the moment. While there are very few things in this life that will ever top an earth-shattering orgasm, if you are overly preoccupied with getting to one, that can tense you up which could stress the both of you out, because the less relaxed you are, the harder it is for even the best lover to please you. So, instead of taking on the mindset that you want your partner to improve in order to make you climax, think more in the lane of you wanting your partner to learn how to please you so that you can enjoy just…being with him. That way, the pressure will remove itself and pleasure unspeakable can surely have its will and its way. Wheeeeew.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Actor Jessie T. Usher reveals his secrets for maintaining his physical appearance while filming Amazon Prime's The Boys.
The series, which spans four seasons, follows vigilantes as they battle corrupt superheroes. In The Boys, Usher portrays Reggie Franklin, also known as A-Train, a superhero with incredible speed.
During a recent Men's Health magazine interview, the 32-year-old spoke about his diet and workout regimens. These routines help Usher stay in shape for the show's stunt work, which involves intense cardio to match his character's super-speed abilities.
In the discussion, he revealed his workout regimen consists of resistance training and cardio. On rest days, the Shaft star incorporates yoga and stretching into his routine.Jessie On What He Eats In a Day
Regarding his diet, Usher shared he typically eats three meals daily with minimal variations. He begins each day by hydrating and waiting an hour or two before breakfast. On production days for The Boys, Usher opts for eggs with herbs and seasonings, accompanied by fruit.
The Dangerous Lies actor keeps it light for lunch with protein-rich options like quinoa bowls or salads with lentils, chicken, and vegetables from CAVA. Dinner is his heartiest meal, featuring chicken and fish (particularly sea bass or salmon), after which he refrains from eating for the rest of the night.
Usher focuses on protein intake for all his meals rather than counting macro calories to support muscle growth. He boosts his protein with peanut butter shakes. While maintaining a disciplined diet, The Almost Christmas star allows himself occasional indulgences like Funyuns or Nutter Butters. To round out his health regimen, Usher takes daily vitamins.
Jessie On His Diet And Workout Routine For "The Boys"
When asked about adjusting his diet or workout routine for his role in The Boys, Usher explained that his health-conscious lifestyle eliminates the need for significant changes.
“Honestly, no. Because by the time I got to The Boys I was already health conscious. Very much aware of what I was putting in my body and how,” he said.
Regarding his workouts, Usher revealed he tailors his routines to include more diverse cardio exercises. This approach ensures he's physically prepared for the scenes he shoots for the show.
“A day of working out for The Boys is a little bit different. I feel like I added more variations of cardio work,” he stated. “When [you’re shooting] you just have no idea what they’re about to throw at you. I just want to be ready for all of those challenges, especially the cardio things. I just wanted to have the endurance to be able to get through whatever type of scene that I would possibly be shooting.”
Season four of The Boys is now streaming on Amazon Prime.
Everything ‘The Boys’ Star Jessie T Usher Eats In a Day | Eat Like | Men's Health
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Feature image by Phillip Faraone/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures