What?! Only 35 Percent Of Men Go Down? Say It Ain’t So.
Songs are amazin', man. While I was reading an article on Cosmo's site—one that we are gonna get all up into in just a second—it's crazy what came to mind. OK, so here's my music trivia question for the day. How many of y'all remember Novel from back in the day? If you don't, let me trigger your memory a bit. Here's the chorus to his song, "Peach":
I can eat a peach for hours
Especially when it's sweet not sour
I love it when it's juicy; it's doin' something to me
I can eat a peach for hours
Maybe we can talk for hours
Maybe take a raindrop shower
You can be my queen; I can be yo' king
I can eat a peach for hours
I don't know. Chalk it up to being a really lucky gal, I guess, but back in my sexually-active days, these were the kind of men I knew; not figuratively. Personally. Also, most of the sex I had was in my 20s with men who are also in their 20s. That's why it kinda threw me off when, according to a survey that was conducted by the condom manufacturer Skyn—brace yourselves now—only 35 percent of heterosexual millennial men perform oral sex. Then, to add further insult to injury, according to an exclusive poll that was conducted by Skyn and Cosmo, "Fourteen percent of 18 to 22-year-olds said they 'don't think it's necessary.' And nearly 50 percent of 18 to 27-year-olds are more comfortable having sex than they are giving oral (compared to 32 percent of 28 to 32-year-olds)." What in the world is goin' on?
I read all of Cosmo's article and it had some good content in it. But whenever I hear stuff like this, the natural journalist—and Black woman; not necessarily in that order—in me usually likes to do my own investigating.
Why Men Literally NEED to Have Oral Sex
First, the technical stuff. Going down can trigger the production of oxytocin and DHEA in both partners; this can protect them from heart disease and while calming them down so that they can get a good night's rest. I've been knowing for a while now that vaginal fluid is the ultimate probiotic because it contains between 100,000 to 100 million Lactobacillus cells (depending on the woman). This is a good thing because probiotics are what support our digestive tract. Probiotics also build up our immune system, can help us to lose belly fat, decreases allergy and eczema-related symptoms and can even reduce depression, stress and anxiety. So, strictly from a health standpoint, 65 percent of men are truly missing out when they don't "eat the peach".
Then there's a strong relational point. According to scientific research, a woman is less likely to cheat if her man is a cunnilingus partaker (I feel led to add here, a "good cunnilingus partaker". It's one thing to do it; it's another matter entirely to do it well).
Oh, and for any guy who may be reading this, doesn't do "it" and says that a woman is shallow if not getting oral is what will make her step out, to that, I say this—on the surface, you would be correct, sir. But look deeper. First, how would you feel if your partner (especially if you happen to be in a serious relationship) didn't want to go down on you? And secondly, I don't think that not being on the oral sex receiving end is so much the issue as the selfishness—and, from where I'm sitting, immaturity—is.
Just recently, I wrote about sexual deal-breakers. And, you know what? When it comes to this particular sexual issue, if you and your partner start off the relationship with the understanding that oral sex is not your thing—either of y'all's thing—while that personally baffles me (LOL), I respect that. To each their own. But if you're out here thinking that fellatio should be a given, but cunnilingus isn't on the table—or, as the guys in the poll put it "isn't necessary"—that's a whole and entire problem. You not being an oral sex reciprocator means that you care more about your pleasure than your partner's. And that, dear sir, is what could possibly cause a woman to cheat. Hey, I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying I can very easily connect the dots on that.
Still, I'm not gonna be out here patronizing the fellas by assuming that at least some of them are aware of the information I just shared. Especially since I do happen to know a few guys who feel like since they are "packin'", their woman is fully satisfied without cunnilingus (uh, they might want to ask her). That's why, aside from what I just shared, I decided to ask some guys in my world what they thought about the study. The names are changed (because you can be private and freaky, right?) but their responses are verbatim.
Do Guys Like Going Down on Women? 7 Men Have the Answer
*The names have been changed for anonymity
*Perry (35, Married)
"It doesn't surprise me that guys in their 20s and early 30s struggle with giving oral sex. There are so many dumb decisions that are made during that time, including not really getting to know our sexual partners. For a lot of young men, it's not even about fully experiencing sex. They're just out here trying to get a nut. It wasn't until I really started to feel for a woman that I wanted to see all that sex had to offer. I will say this to the guy bucks—you don't know what you're missin'. There is nothing like pleasing a woman. You realize you never really know pleasure until you do."
*Maxwell (24, Single)
"35 percent? That's hilarious, man. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but I was out here, 'peach eatin' as you call it, before I even got head for the first time. If I'm gonna be really real about it, I did that before I had sex. Maybe it was all of the porn I saw. Maybe because the first girl I did that to had never experienced it before. I've never really thought about it. I just know one time was all I needed. A brotha is definitely hooked!"
*Damon (40, Engaged)
"I'll be real with you. A lot of us perform oral sex on a trial-by-trial basis. Some women we're into enough to do it and some we're not. Some ladies might be upset but, some have the right hygiene, some don't. Some landscape in a way that's appealing, some don't. Some, we don't even see as someone we want to get that close to or with. I think the number is higher than 35. I just think that 35 may be the amount of men who do it all of the time. A lot of us are way pickier."
*Allen (29, Single)
"I know we've got a lot going on when we ejaculate, but unless a woman has been with a woman in that way, they don't get that they have a lot going on down there too. Some of us just need to ease into all of that. My first time story is I always thought I would never go down on a girl. But one time, the head that I got was so f—kin' good that I was like, 'I'm a punk ass nigga if I don't try and make her feel the same way.' I haven't looked back since. Damn, where's her phone number?"
*Keith (32, Single)
"I think that if a man likes to kiss, he likes to kiss everywhere. That's all I got to say about it."
*Rashad (45, Married)
"Don't let these lames fool you. If a guy doesn't go down, it's more about him than you. On the emotional tip, it's a vulnerable act. We've got a lot of ego too, so it's scary to think that we might do it and our partner won't be pleased. A lot of men try and project that not going down is about the woman, but it's all about him. Don't @ me on that."
*Shawn (30, Single)
"I don't think you can fully know a woman until you have consumed ever part; her p—y included. I don't just mean the woman you're with at the time. I mean, you have a lot to learn about all women until you do. The smell. The sounds that she makes. The way she touches you when it happens. Even the way that she cums—it's all just…different. It's like she's letting you in on a side to her that is classified information. That alone makes it a hell of a turn on. Hell, addicting. Men do it. Men like it. Those who don't should categorize themselves with the rest of us."
Welp. There you have it. It's not like I didn't try and find "one of the 35 percent". Thankfully, the men I know find oral sex—whether they are giving or receiving it—to be very, very necessary. Not to "cunnilingus shame" those who don't but, maybe this lil' write-up will at least give you something else/more to think about.
After all, in the wise words of some man who I'm sure goes down on a regular basis—"Don't knock it until you've tried it." Peach-eatin' will richly bless you in more ways than one. If you don't believe me, read this all over again. And again...and again (while listening to Novel to totally gas you up!).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Everything You Want In Life Is On The Other Side Of A Venusian Upgrade
If you're an Astro girly to even the slightest degree, you probably know that Venus is the planet of love. But that's not all it is! Venus is also the planet of beauty, pleasure, and harmony. Now, what if I told you there's a way to harness that energy to live your best life, level up, and then some? The process is referred to as a "Venusian upgrade," a term coined by celebrity Astrologer Jade last summer.
And, while it will lead to sugar, spice, and all things nice – the main ingredient in this "upgrade" cocktail is hurt, pain, and upset (whatever it is that you call it when you get burnt). It's the equivalent of when that old flame dogs you out, makes a fool out of you, and you turn your tears into a healthy gym habit to flex on them.
However, according to Jade, the difference lies in the motivation – though we all seek revenge, this outcome is not and won't be for the gaze of those who hurt you – instead of being motivated by revenge, you're essentially motivated by abundance.
What Is a Venusian Upgrade?
"When I created 'A Venusian Upgrade,' I had the intention that I would put all vengeful and negative feelings into a positive transformation for myself. I've seen so many people struggle with transmuting energy – people who don't know how precious their life force is. Giving negative energy to others is taking away potential positive energy from yourself, and nothing ever really comes from it," she explained.
And, when I think about my personal experience with getting a better body in the name of making an ex pay for hurting me, she's absolutely right in that nothing positive comes of it; the attention mostly always leads to a toxic reconnection, interactions that cheapen and devalue you and your time, such as ex-sex.
Alternatively, when you commit to upgrading your Venus, it can lead to upgrades regarding "all things Venus," including relationships (platonic and romantic), finances, and appearance. All things that notably shifted for Jade since beginning this journey.
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus. Put all of your negative feelings into something positive for Venus. Let the ugliness of pain turn you into something even more beautiful. Venus is directly tied to the metamorphic process in Astrology. It is a very natural thing to upgrade via looks, money, and relationships after a Venusian Upgrade."
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus."
Jade speaks about her personal experience with upgrading Venus. She speaks about not being stifled by fear, which is not the same as being unafraid. After all, fear and even doubt are healthy – indicators you have a little sense. But, that doesn't mean you bow out. Seeing it through despite the fear is the faith the universe is waiting to reward.
Since undergoing her Venusian upgrade, Jade says she's "seen 10 times a return on investment through the inspiration" she's gained and the people she's met – inspiration and connections that unlocked her new life.
Much like anything else, you will need to invest in yourself – and this doesn't always necessitate a financial investment so much as a time investment or knowledge (i.e., taking the time to read this article on upgrading your Venus). "The main thing is time. Nobody likes delayed gratification. But, according to Venus, this is the best form of [gratification]! Taurus, a Venus-ruled sign, is the sign of the slow and steady. It represents patience. The best parts of Venus come through a patient process."
Jade reminds us that in traditional Astrology, "Venus represents a woman and a wife. Your Venus is like that; she's like the wife who requires your dedication, and in return, she graces your life with ease and beauty."
In any case of the "happy wife, happy life" mantra, "the happy wife" requires consistency. When the husband or opposite partner throws money at them once every blue moon to compensate for their distance or lack of consistency, it rarely makes the wife happy. According to Jade, it's the same in this scenario.
"Venus is the planet of 1:1 commitments, including to one's self," she continues. "You have to commit to the upgrades you want your Venus to have. You want better romance and friendships? You have to commit to investing in and improving those things. You want your income to improve? You have to commit to a trial and error process that lets you find out what's gonna provide your Venus with the sweetest return. This process takes time and dedication."
According to Jade, upgrading your Venus can look like a combination of any of the following:
- Elevate your every day. Dress like you’ve got somewhere to be every day instead of saving clothes for “special.” occasions. Think, Carrie Bradshaw but less obnoxious. Or, any one of the ladies on Girlfriends. Ditch the sweatpants and athleisure wear.
- Stop spinning the block on your ex. Get comfortable with leaving stagnant energy behind. This is one form of clutter but Jade recommends removing all clutter.
- Figure out your aesthetic, and correct color palettes – invest in those things. Perfect them.
- Don’t skimp on your beauty investments!
Curiously, I wondered about the way our own Venus placement shows up when seeking out a Venusian upgrade. Because in the same way we have a sun sign and moon sign, we also have a sign that accounts for every other planet – including Venus. But, no need to worry or delay your work by getting bogged down. Ultimately, the process is the same as "Venus is naturally connected to the transformation process, so it will hold this ability to upgrade and transmute no matter what sign it's in."
However, I imagine that knowing what sign your Venus is in will tell you the way you enjoy Venusian qualities. For this knowledge, Jade recommends looking into Astrology further by "learning about the house, then the sign, and then Venus as a planet." She adds, "Once you're done, you put it all together and reflect on how these things have played out in [your] life."
lambada/Getty Images
Giving your life a Venusian upgrade is not a concept you hear of frequently; it's only been recently, through Jade's work, that I've heard of it. Since its inception, there have been a few people who have felt inspired to echo Jade's work. What's more, is that the timing of Jade's discovery seems to be perfectly aligned with the recent transit of Pluto moving into the sign of Aquarius – where it will stay for the next 20 years.
But, wait, what do Venus and Pluto have to do with one another? That's what I wondered, myself.
"In Astrology, we know that the 4th house is the anchor of the chart. It's the house (area of life) that holds everything together at the bottom. During Pluto in Aquarius, the sign of Taurus (ruled by Venus) will act as this anchor. We can see this through the lens of derivative Astrology, but that's a whole other convo. Taurus being the anchor means that all things related to Venus come into play."
In turn, the things that Venus stands for also become anchors – beauty, relationships, and harmony.
Etsy
"Money becomes an anchor more than ever. Beauty becomes a stronger anchor. One-on-one relationships, and how harmonious they are, become paramount. These are the things that will hold us down at the bottom of it all during Pluto in Aquarius."
She further explains that this transit will highlight the "haves and the have-nots" in ways that make upgrading our Venus essential to not only surviving but thriving through this transit. Holding no pouches, Jade points out that in the absence of an upgraded Venus during this time, "you'll experience the other side of what I mentioned. Broke, ugly, and lonely. We don't want that."
One thing I know is that being bombarded with this information can be a lot, but I implore everyone to take a deep dive into Jade's social handles. All of this information is readily available. By her own admission, she's provided a step-by-step guide on the Venusian upgrade process before you ever pay a penny for her e-course.
I don't know about you, but the concept of the Venusian upgrade really excites me because, unlike the broader approach of manifesting, this feels more familiar and attainable. From a young age, my mom always told me she was motivated by people telling her she wouldn't be successful, and I've always adopted that mindset. Thus, I've been motivated to create the life I want for myself by tapping into people's projections or fears.
I've always thought this way on some level. Breakup? Cool, watch me show you what you're missing. And I go hard until I forget the initial purpose and remember myself. So, when I say it feels more attainable, I'm aware that I haven't been doing it completely correctly. Still, it's rather simple to reframe the mindset from being motivated by vengeance to being motivated by self-actualization.
From where I’m sitting, the Venusian upgrade is the only love spell (not literally) you’ll ever need.
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