Author Stephen Covey once said something that I think is especially relevant to today’s topic: “Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.” Because if there is one thing that I hear far too many married couples (and if I’m gonna be real, it’s mostly the wives) say is their reason for not making intimacy a priority, it’s that they don’t have enough time.
I think we all can attest to the fact that a part of what comes with adulting is time management — and that includes prioritizing our time wisely. And that’s what brings the quote full circle because, although life does indeed have a way of life-ing, it’s essential — crucial even — to remember that, no matter what may come up that may seem “urgent,” intimacy with your spouse is always going to be important.
And that’s why I (catch the pun) made the time to come up with 10 ways to give you more time to have sex with your man, even if it seems like you don’t exactly have it.
1. Scale Down Your Social Media
GiphyWhenever one of my clients tells me that the reason her sex life with her husband is suffering is because she doesn’t have the time for it, one of the first three questions that I ask her is how much time she spends on social media. If I get “crickets,” I’m automatically rolling my eyes to where she can see it.
Why? Because I am well aware of the fact that most people, on average, spend 2.5 hours A DAY scrolling on social media platforms. And since most people are fine with intercourse lasting anywhere between 7-13 minutes (Google it) — let’s just be real: when it comes to the sex lives that are on life support, it’s not that most of those folks don’t have time, it’s that they don’t make it….and that means they don’t prioritize sex in their relationship. And that is a problem that will only get bigger over time if it’s not addressed — quick, fast, and in a hurry.
If you feel seen, it’s time to power that phone down and ramp up your sex life. Social media will always be there; it’s important that you be proactive about making sure your marriage remains healthy and intact.
2. Shower Together
GiphyI think we all know that if your objective is to get clean(er), you need to take a shower instead of hopping into the bath (because clean water coming out of a showerhead is better than floating dirt in bathwater). So, what’s the plus of bathing? If you want to soothe achy muscles, reduce stress levels, and/or exfoliate your skin, having a bath soak can be a good look. However, since the chance of that being your focus first thing in the morning is slim, why not get “dirty” and clean with your partner in the morning before heading off to work?
Since, reportedly, the average shower lasts eight minutes, and we just discussed that sex tends to be between 7-13 minutes, you could be in there with your man for around 15 minutes and come out with an orgasm and being squeaky clean. Now, what could be better than that, sis?
3. Stop Underestimating Quickies
GiphyI was recently talking to a male friend of mine about how his fiancée would rather have no sex at all instead of a quickie: “That s-it makes absolutely no sense to me because we both are able to get ours whether it’s an hour or 15 minutes.”
Listen, it’s not like I don’t see both sides of the coin on this. As far as she goes, sometimes long foreplay, a ton of romance (check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”), and going multiple rounds are very much needed. At the same time, though, a quickie can give you all of the health benefits that longer sessions do, plus the climax.
Ever heard of the saying, “You’re cutting off your nose, just to spite your face?” If you’re turning down quickies just because the sex sessions aren’t as long as what you’re used to (or would prefer), you are a walking definition of the saying. Just because quickies are a compromise, that doesn’t mean that you’re settling (check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”). Not. At. All.
4. Eat Other Things than Lunch (Metaphorically Speaking)
GiphyI recently read that close to 50 percent of people skip lunch at least once a week. Chile, why? You’ve earned it, and so you should have it. And if you need more motivation to take what I just said seriously, even if you’re not hungry during lunchtime, use that as an opportunity to enjoy your partner. By law, most lunch breaks are either 30 minutes or an hour, and that’s certainly enough minutes to “get the job done” — even if that means having a standing appointment at a hotel that isn’t too far from where the two of you work. Middle-of-the-day sex is top-tier. If you don’t know, ask some of your girlfriends who probably do.
5. Remember: Oral Sex Counts
GiphyBack when I used to be a teen mom mentor for the local chapter of a national organization, it used to trip me out how much some of the students would try and trick themselves into thinking that oral sex isn’t “real sex.” Nevermind the fact that sex is literally in the term — genitalia is penetrating a body part, you can get STIs/STDs from the act, and, let me tell it, it’s even more intimate.
Anyway, my point here is, even if there doesn’t seem to be enough time for total disrobing (for whatever reason), a satisfying workaround is some cunnilingus and fellatio — believe that. You’ll still get an orgasm. You’ll still feel connected to your partner. And you’ll still get a helluva stress release. Yes, oral sex IS sex — and that needs to be said far more often than it tends to be.
6. Turn Date Night into Sex Dates
GiphyDid you know that 52 percent of couples rarely, if ever, have a date night? That’s super unfortunate, considering date nights are all about being intentional about spending quality time with your partner. That said, if you happen to fall into that percentile, take this as a super loud PSA to start prioritizing dates with your bae. By the way, if you are someone who is pretty good about getting out with your man, at least once a month, try and shoot for twice a month and turn one of those into a sex date — time that is set aside to do nothing more than copulate with your partner (check out “When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?”). It increases anticipation, and that can intensify the sexual experience on a whole ‘nother level.
7. Get Up Earlier and/or Go to Bed Later
GiphyAgain, we’ve already discussed that you can get what you need (you know, for the most part) in about 13 minutes (give or take 15 minutes of foreplay first) so, at least once a week, why not set your alarm clock to wake up earlier for some morning sex or commit to staying up a bit later for some late-night coitus? Since only 60 percent of couples currently go to bed together at night, this tip could inspire you both to get more pillow talk and cuddling in, too, which are all forms of quality time that pretty much every husband and wife need on some level.
8. Stop Running (So Many) Errands When the Kids Aren’t at Home
GiphyMy goddaughters are 12 and 4, and they’ve got just as much, if not more, of a busy schedule than their parents do. Something that I tend to notice, though, is when they are in their dance, volleyball, acting, or whatever other class they’ve got going on, their parents automatically use that as an opportunity to run all kinds of errands. And while that might be a practical use of time — how smart is it if intimacy with your partner is far and few between?
My two cents? If your kids have activities after school 2-3 times a week, make sure that one of those days is set aside for nothing else but sex. I promise you that no matter how important grocery shopping or eyebrow waxing is, if you’re not making time for your spouse, whether immediately or eventually, that will start to create an avalanche of issues that will make anything else pale in comparison. I see it happen on an almost daily basis.
9. Make the Kids’ “Fun Time” Your Fun Time Too
Sexy Jessica Alba GIFGiphyWhen your kids are watching a movie, you could be having sex. When your kids are playing a video game, you could be having sex. When your kids are entertaining themselves in their room, you could be having sex. When your kids are outside with some friends (kids still do that, right?), you could be having sex. When your kids (who are old enough) are making a snack, you could be having sex.
Once children hit a certain age, it’s important to not “helicopter parent” them by feeling that you need to hover over them 24 hours a day. Once they have become self-sufficient enough to do certain things on their own, announce that mommy and daddy will be in the bedroom if they need anything and take advantage of that half-hour or two hours that you’ve got. You’d be amazed how much they’d appreciate you not being on top of them all of the time anyway. #justsayin’
10. Schedule Sex
GiphyAny time someone tells me that they don’t want to schedule sex because it won’t be as good that way, I’m always on some — does scheduling dinner at your favorite restaurant make the meal less appetizing? Does scheduling time with your friends make it less fun? Does scheduling a mani/pedi make it less pampering? Please, let’s just stop. When you schedule something, that means that you’re prioritizing it, and sending a message to your partner that you want nothing more than to spend time with him, intimately, is sexy — plain and simple.
Listen, even though we all get 24 hours in a day, sometimes our to-do lists are so jam-packed that it’s both responsible to get your sex life “on the books.”
_____
You know, when it comes to “having time” quotes, someone once said, “People make time for who they want to make time for. They text, call, and reply to people they want to talk to. Never believe someone who says they’re too busy; If they wanted to be around you, they would.” Do I think this resolve is black and white? No. Sometimes, folks have to wait before you can get back to them.
What I will say, however, is when you signed up to be married, you signed up to have your spouse take precedence over just about everyone and everything else. I will also say that a part of what comes with the marital agreement is sexual activity. Put those two things together, and yes — it’s important to never be too busy to find time, sexually, for your spouse. Besides, if the sex is good, how can it ever not be time well spent, chile? C’mon now.
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Featured image by Giphy
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
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And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023