

There comes a time in every grown woman's life when she finds herself in the middle of an unexpected sex session.
Unfortunately for many of us, the sex that catches us by surprise will look more like a Saturday Night Live skit starring Maya Rudolph than a sweaty Paula Patton character returning from the gym with Michael Ealy waiting on her for some intense makeup sex. This was the topic of conversation a few happy hours ago when my girls and I discussed what to do when good sex catches you off guard.
“You dip out to the bathroom real quick ‘Whitley Gilbert’ style to get it together and hope the lights are out or he’s half asleep when you come out.”
“Try your best to hold on to her (the wig) and hope she makes it through the ride with you.”
“Getting under the covers is key. Once that happens that fool can’t tell the difference between Frederick’s and Fruit of the Loom.”
Whether your husband catches you before you can undo your twist out or you’ve decided within the first 5 minutes of your date that you'll be grabbing your ankles for the faux Boris Kodjoe sitting across from you, what's a girl and her waist trainer to do?
The last thing you want to do is ask a man to give you five minutes to pin down your lace front or pull a Houdini move getting undressed under the covers so he won't see your stretch marks.
That's not exactly "setting the mood" now is it?
Between waist trainers, lace front wigs and just general body insecurity, my friends and I were surprised to discover there's a whole lot of people who have gotten creative to avoid baring it all in front of a partner when they felt like they weren't bringing their best to the bedroom. I’m sure some women have bounced around the house in their birthday suit in front of their boyfriends without a care in the world that the “hedges aren’t trimmed” but how many of us are still hiding under the covers or bolting for the light switch when your man is unexpectedly in the mood. After having a c-section last year, my hormones were all over the place, and with my newborn, I barely found the time to shower most days, let alone do my hair. My sexual self-confidence took a hit and there were times I found myself too self-conscious to enjoy sex with my husband.
[Tweet "There comes a point where we have to accept our flaws in the flesh, literally."]
Life happens and in between pregnancy, losing and gaining weight, and embarrassing birthmarks there’s something to be said about loving the skin you’re in both in and out the bedroom. It’s easy to have high self-esteem when you’re out in the world with your waist snatched and the winged eyeliner no one knows took you a half hour to perfect, but your sexual self-confidence can take a hit when the clothes come off and you can no longer hide behind that extra help.
If worrying about your wig, your weight, and everything in between is getting in the way of your sexual self-confidence, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. He's probably more nervous than you are.
While you're sweating some unshaved legs there's a chance homeboy is worrying about his own performance and how long he can he can last too much to care about you skipping the Nair. Sex for the first few times is all about learning what gets your partner off, how high their freak flag flies and seeing how your partner reacts to you without your clothes on. But the good news is that sexual chemistry isn’t all about perfection as much as it as pure attraction.
It’s complicated.
You know how Drake said, “Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on…”? The very things you’re the most self-conscious about may be what gets him going.
2. You're probably more worried about your wig than he is.
I’ve always felt like morning sex is the absolute worst. I’m the absolute worst version of myself before ten and “sunrise” service has never quite been my thing.
I’m groggy, I need to brush my teeth and most importantly my wig is probably lying next to me which means I’m not feeling the slightest bit sexy. Nonetheless, you can’t tell my husband that I’m not workin’ a satin bonnet like Rihanna pulling a double shift at Walmart during the holidays. There’s something special that comes with any long-term relationship, and honestly, any man that’s really into you knows that you have the potential to be a 10 even if you’re feeling like a 5. If a little lace front is enough to make or break the mood, maybe he’s not the man for you.
[Tweet "Any man that’s really into you knows that you have the potential to be a 10 even if you’re feeling like a 5"]
3. He's not perfect either.
When it comes to being self-conscious in the bedroom, I think part of the reason is that we give men too much credit. Men are socialized to be more confident and usually there’s an implied message with them of the more unkempt the better. I mean, think about it. How many commercials have you seen that sell the ultimate sex symbol as a guy who’s rocking 5 o’clock shadow, with grease on his hands as he’s bent over in the summer sun sweating under the hood of a Mustang?
Exactly!
Bet you don’t see his behind running for the bathroom to get it together before he gets some. The point is men have insecurities as well and don’t always look the most polished or put together, but somehow that works to their advantage. You’re not the only one worried about everything falling apart during foreplay. Rest assured that even though homeboy may seem like he’s not phased, he secretly may worry if you’re into his dad bod, his crooked toes or his uneven hairline.
4. There's no Photoshop in Kim K's bedroom either.
Just keep in mind that no matter how mind-blowing Kim K.’s hip to waist ration is or no matter how retouched Amber Rose’s backside looks on Instagram, there is no Mayfair filter in the bedroom. When it gets down to the real deal we all have dimples in our booties, a random roadmap of stretch marks, or maybe even a c-section scar. If we all tripped on a birthmark or two shaped like Plankton from Spongebob, none of us would be getting any.
5. Good sex gets messy.
I always say if you’re not leaving the room with a loose track or two or an eyelash hanging on for dear life, you’re not doing something right. But seriously, being preoccupied with looking perfect during sex will totally distract you from what you came to do. The best sex happens when partners are focused on pleasing one another and not putting on a show.
Sex is just about as much as taking all your clothes off as it is about revealing how you feel on the inside, which means that no matter how "sexy" you may appear your confidence gets magnified in the bedroom. Sharing a moment of intimacy with someone, as difficult as it may be means revealing and dealing with your insecurities. Many of us cover or hide what we feel the most insecure about instinctively whether it means we're constantly fixing our hair or choosing positions that will downplay our "difficult" areas.
When you're preoccupied with how your boobs look without the extra lift of a push-up bra, it can prevent you from truly connecting with your partner. The battle with body shame is something you need to conquer way before the bedroom and long before the clothes come off.
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
'When You Build It, They Can’t Tell You You Can’t Sit': DJ Miss Milan, Marsai Martin & More Talk Confidence
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit wasn’t just another branded panel event—it was an inspiring, sometimes emotional, and always honest look at what it really takes to rise, thrive, and stay at the top. From Olympians to entrepreneurs, artists to execs, the room was full of powerful women sharing the real stories behind their highlight reels. I walked away moved by their vulnerability, strength, and refusal to dim their light.
Here are some of my favorite takeaways from three standout panels featuring Jordan Chiles, Marsai Martin, and Kandi Burruss.
Leveling Up Your A-Game with Jordan Chiles, Morgan Shaw Parker, Chelsea Fishman, Laura Correnti, and Tabitha Turner-Wilkins
Jordan Chiles
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
Olympic gymnast Jordan may have medals and magazine covers to her name, but her mindset is refreshingly grounded. “The day I finally feel pressure,” she said, “will be the day I know there’s still more for me to learn.” For her, joy—not pressure—is the fuel. Her confidence isn’t performative; it’s rooted in family, self-worth, and authenticity.
“Everything I’ve done in my career—tattoos, long nails, rocking my crew at the Olympics—that’s all me. It’s not because someone told me to do it. It’s because I felt confident doing it. And that’s where my ambition comes from: being my authentic self.”
For Morgan Shaw Parker, President & COO of the Atlanta Dream, the conversation around pressure went even deeper. “Legacy work” is how she described her mission—navigating male-dominated spaces, sometimes pregnant and pumping on NFL team planes. “After COVID and George Floyd,” she shared, “it became clear to me: vulnerability is power. You don’t have to show up perfect to lead.”
Chelsea Fishman, founder of Atlanta's first bar dedicated to women’s sports, Jolene Jolene, shared how the haters (especially the Reddit kind) were her confirmation: “All those comments saying it would fail—those were the signs that I was doing something right.” She’s hosted 25+ watch parties already and is building the very community they said would never come.
This panel also touched on ambition, authenticity, and owning your power—both in sneakers and in suits. One of the best mic-drop moments came when the moderator flipped the question: “What if we stopped making ‘power’ a bad word for women?” A nod-worthy reminder that we’re not here to play small.
Making Your Voice Heard with Marsai Martin, Carol Martin, Miss Milan, and Heather McMahan
Marsai Martin
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
This panel was a masterclass in staying grounded while growing up—or glamming up—on the global stage. Actress and producer Marsai talked about what it’s like to show up in high-pressure moments when your confidence is low but the world is still watching. From red carpets to long shoot days, she reminded us that even when you’re not at 100%, you still find a way to push through.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Her mom and business partner Carol Martin dropped gems about motherhood and mentorship: “It’s like teaching your kid to ride a bike over and over again. Now the bike is a movie or a brand.” That balance between guiding and letting go? Not easy—but essential when you’re raising a mogul and running a company.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Miss Milan, Grammy Award-winning DJ and Doechii’s right-hand woman, lit the crowd up with her no-nonsense energy. “I built my own table,” she said. “When you build it, they can’t tell you you can’t sit.” From journaling her dreams to manifesting Grammys, her story is one of resilience and intention—and a whole lot of faith in her own vision.
This panel didn’t shy away from hard truths either: the sadness that can come with success, the fear of fading relevance, the criticism that hits differently when it’s personal. But Marsai said it best: know your why. And let it evolve with you.
The Cost of Starting Your Own Business with Kandi Burruss and Nikki Ogunnaike
Kandi Burruss
Carol Lee Rose/ Getty Images for Marie ClaireKandi doesn’t sugarcoat the grind. From chart-topping songwriter to multi-business entrepreneur, she’s built her empire one risk—and one reinvention—at a time.
“Fear equals failure. If you don’t even try, you’ve failed automatically —and you did it to yourself. I’d rather take a risk and lose money than play it safe and never know what could’ve happened.”
She broke down the real costs of entrepreneurship: money, time, and emotional bandwidth. “You think you’re going to work less when you work for yourself?” she laughed. “You’re going to work more.” For Kandi, mommy guilt and financial setbacks are part of the package—but so is the satisfaction of seeing an idea through.
She opened up about scaling back on her clothing store and temporarily closing the original Old Lady Gang location. “It felt like failure,” she admitted, “but sometimes you have to step back to make things better.” Still, she’s not one to quit. She just pivots—with precision.
One of her most memorable reflections? How her music career hiccup led her to songwriting—ultimately writing the mega-hit “No Scrubs.” That song became the key to a new lane and legacy. “You may think you’re working on one dream,” she said, “but it could open the door to another.”
Also? Kandi wants you to stop emailing her from a Gmail. “You’re doing million-dollar business on a bootleg budget,” she joked. “Invest in yourself. Start with a domain name!”
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit was a powerful reminder that ambition, authenticity, and vulnerability aren’t separate traits—they work in tandem. Whether you’re building a bar, a brand, or a business from scratch, the key is to stay rooted in your voice, your story, and your why.
And if you need a sign to go for it? Consider this your green light.
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Feature image by Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play