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When You Are Battling Body Shame In The Bedroom, Remember This
There comes a time in every grown woman's life when she finds herself in the middle of an unexpected sex session.
Unfortunately for many of us, the sex that catches us by surprise will look more like a Saturday Night Live skit starring Maya Rudolph than a sweaty Paula Patton character returning from the gym with Michael Ealy waiting on her for some intense makeup sex. This was the topic of conversation a few happy hours ago when my girls and I discussed what to do when good sex catches you off guard.
“You dip out to the bathroom real quick ‘Whitley Gilbert’ style to get it together and hope the lights are out or he’s half asleep when you come out.”
“Try your best to hold on to her (the wig) and hope she makes it through the ride with you.”
“Getting under the covers is key. Once that happens that fool can’t tell the difference between Frederick’s and Fruit of the Loom.”
Whether your husband catches you before you can undo your twist out or you’ve decided within the first 5 minutes of your date that you'll be grabbing your ankles for the faux Boris Kodjoe sitting across from you, what's a girl and her waist trainer to do?
The last thing you want to do is ask a man to give you five minutes to pin down your lace front or pull a Houdini move getting undressed under the covers so he won't see your stretch marks.
That's not exactly "setting the mood" now is it?
Between waist trainers, lace front wigs and just general body insecurity, my friends and I were surprised to discover there's a whole lot of people who have gotten creative to avoid baring it all in front of a partner when they felt like they weren't bringing their best to the bedroom. I’m sure some women have bounced around the house in their birthday suit in front of their boyfriends without a care in the world that the “hedges aren’t trimmed” but how many of us are still hiding under the covers or bolting for the light switch when your man is unexpectedly in the mood. After having a c-section last year, my hormones were all over the place, and with my newborn, I barely found the time to shower most days, let alone do my hair. My sexual self-confidence took a hit and there were times I found myself too self-conscious to enjoy sex with my husband.
[Tweet "There comes a point where we have to accept our flaws in the flesh, literally."]
Life happens and in between pregnancy, losing and gaining weight, and embarrassing birthmarks there’s something to be said about loving the skin you’re in both in and out the bedroom. It’s easy to have high self-esteem when you’re out in the world with your waist snatched and the winged eyeliner no one knows took you a half hour to perfect, but your sexual self-confidence can take a hit when the clothes come off and you can no longer hide behind that extra help.
If worrying about your wig, your weight, and everything in between is getting in the way of your sexual self-confidence, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. He's probably more nervous than you are.
While you're sweating some unshaved legs there's a chance homeboy is worrying about his own performance and how long he can he can last too much to care about you skipping the Nair. Sex for the first few times is all about learning what gets your partner off, how high their freak flag flies and seeing how your partner reacts to you without your clothes on. But the good news is that sexual chemistry isn’t all about perfection as much as it as pure attraction.
It’s complicated.
You know how Drake said, “Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on…”? The very things you’re the most self-conscious about may be what gets him going.
2. You're probably more worried about your wig than he is.
I’ve always felt like morning sex is the absolute worst. I’m the absolute worst version of myself before ten and “sunrise” service has never quite been my thing.
I’m groggy, I need to brush my teeth and most importantly my wig is probably lying next to me which means I’m not feeling the slightest bit sexy. Nonetheless, you can’t tell my husband that I’m not workin’ a satin bonnet like Rihanna pulling a double shift at Walmart during the holidays. There’s something special that comes with any long-term relationship, and honestly, any man that’s really into you knows that you have the potential to be a 10 even if you’re feeling like a 5. If a little lace front is enough to make or break the mood, maybe he’s not the man for you.
[Tweet "Any man that’s really into you knows that you have the potential to be a 10 even if you’re feeling like a 5"]
3. He's not perfect either.
When it comes to being self-conscious in the bedroom, I think part of the reason is that we give men too much credit. Men are socialized to be more confident and usually there’s an implied message with them of the more unkempt the better. I mean, think about it. How many commercials have you seen that sell the ultimate sex symbol as a guy who’s rocking 5 o’clock shadow, with grease on his hands as he’s bent over in the summer sun sweating under the hood of a Mustang?
Exactly!
Bet you don’t see his behind running for the bathroom to get it together before he gets some. The point is men have insecurities as well and don’t always look the most polished or put together, but somehow that works to their advantage. You’re not the only one worried about everything falling apart during foreplay. Rest assured that even though homeboy may seem like he’s not phased, he secretly may worry if you’re into his dad bod, his crooked toes or his uneven hairline.
4. There's no Photoshop in Kim K's bedroom either.
Just keep in mind that no matter how mind-blowing Kim K.’s hip to waist ration is or no matter how retouched Amber Rose’s backside looks on Instagram, there is no Mayfair filter in the bedroom. When it gets down to the real deal we all have dimples in our booties, a random roadmap of stretch marks, or maybe even a c-section scar. If we all tripped on a birthmark or two shaped like Plankton from Spongebob, none of us would be getting any.
5. Good sex gets messy.
I always say if you’re not leaving the room with a loose track or two or an eyelash hanging on for dear life, you’re not doing something right. But seriously, being preoccupied with looking perfect during sex will totally distract you from what you came to do. The best sex happens when partners are focused on pleasing one another and not putting on a show.
Sex is just about as much as taking all your clothes off as it is about revealing how you feel on the inside, which means that no matter how "sexy" you may appear your confidence gets magnified in the bedroom. Sharing a moment of intimacy with someone, as difficult as it may be means revealing and dealing with your insecurities. Many of us cover or hide what we feel the most insecure about instinctively whether it means we're constantly fixing our hair or choosing positions that will downplay our "difficult" areas.
When you're preoccupied with how your boobs look without the extra lift of a push-up bra, it can prevent you from truly connecting with your partner. The battle with body shame is something you need to conquer way before the bedroom and long before the clothes come off.
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
Photo courtesy
When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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