Women should be seen and not heard, speak only when spoken to, and mind their manners in the presence of others. A "well-bred" woman will refrain from using foul language, wear only clothing that is deemed socially acceptable, and be discreet about her sexuality.
If you were raised in the church or any old heads in the South, you know that historically, this way of thinking was dominant in the black community and pretty much the entire world. Oh, the hoops women have to jump through to be considered "ladylike"; it should be a paid position in and of itself. Luckily, we now live in a world where I can proudly say "f*ck that," wear whatever the hell I want to and know that it doesn't make me any less of a woman.
Prince prodigy and sci-fi superbabe Janelle Monae agreed with my way of thinking in a recent interview with ESSENCE. The 33-year-old star of the upcoming feature film, Ugly Dolls, told the publication that how you gauge her womanhood is not and never has been a reflection of the woman that she actually is.
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"There's always this constant idea of what's ladylike and what a woman should do. Let's stop listening to what people tell us we should do and just do what's in our hearts and what's in our spirit."
In the past, the androgynous star has been transparent about her sexuality and her refusal to conform to societal norms has made her one of the hottest entertainers in the industry. After coming out as a member of the LGBTQ+ community last year on the cover of Rolling Stone, she's made an effort to shift the narrative in the black community of what it means to be a queer, Black woman one boss move at a time. In an intimate conversation with fellow songwriter, Lizzo, she had this to say:
"With 'Dirty Computer', I made a bigger declaration to myself — that I'm not putting out an album if I can't be all of me. You're gonna take the blackness, you're gonna take the fact that I love science fiction. You're gonna take the fact that I am a free ass motherf*cker. You're gonna take that all in and because that is what you're gonna get."
She told ESSENCE that her confidence to be the pro-black, non-conformist badass that she was by learning to take the advice of others with a grain of salt. Janelle explained that she knows what it's like to have both your body and sexuality policed by people that don't even know you; even the people we love can sometimes try to push us into being someone that we're not.
The singer emphasized the importance of letting the people around you know that your body is your own, they don't own you. This is why the previously somewhat conservative artist says she's grown comfortable with showing more skin on stage:
"I've always been clear that it's important for me to remind myself and remind others that I have agency over my body. I get to decide when, where, how, and not live by anybody else's interpretation of what they thought I was. The message has always been very clear."
According to Janelle, being honest with others starts with gaining the ability to be real with yourself. Walking in your truth also means learning to love and accept your eccentricities and know that they are what makes you truly unique. She told POPSUGAR:
"We are one living, breathing organism — humanity. We depend on each other to survive. What makes us one is the many unique things about us. A puzzle piece is not the same, but when you come together, you create a beautiful puzzle that was put together and everyone can marvel at. That's what humanity represents. We each are a piece of that puzzle, and we're designed uniquely to do a specific thing."
"Self-love starts inward. If you don't love you, I don't think you could ever really love anybody else."
The Hidden Figures actress explained that after being bullied in her childhood, she had to learn that she may never be ladylike enough for other people, so she just had to be good enough for herself. Once she did, she learned:
"Once you start walking in your truth, you'll start finding your tribe of folks who are walking in their truths. And then you guys can take down the patriarchy and abusers of power."
Power to the people, Ms. Monae.
Read the full ESSENCE interview here and check out the trailer for her new film, Ugly Dolls below!
UglyDolls Trailer #1 (2019) | Movieclips Trailerswww.youtube.com
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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My advice was to reach out; not just because I’m not a fan of ghosting (I personally believe that it is hella disrespectful) but because communication brings forth clarity and, even if it is time for a particular relationship to shift, if there was ever a genuine connection present at all, I believe that it deserves the honor of both people transitioning or even walking away with a mutual understanding. It’s a good way to bring about peace.
Anyway, as I shared that with my client, she said, “I hear you. I think a part of my thing is I rarely keep a lot of friends around anyway.” To that, she’s not rare. Reportedly, most folks have somewhere between 3-6 close friends only (check out “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” and “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”). However, since my client did admit that when it comes to challenges and conflicts in her relationships, she’d rather internalize (and make assumptions) than articulate them to the people involved — I couldn’t help but wonder if her close friends are the same way. If she has been influenced to handle relationships with this type of approach.
Why would that be my conclusion? It’s because science literally states that, if you’re not careful, you can actually pick up on your friends’ habits — whether you want to or not…or believe that you are…or not.
Let’s explore how and why.
Is Peer Pressure Just a “Kid’s Thing”?
GiphyPeer pressure. Isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to children and adolescents, we totally believe that peer pressure is a real thing — and yet, somehow, when it comes to adult friendships, most of us do not? SMDH. Personally, I find that to be hilarious when the reality is that you can go onto any social media platform, stay on there for 10 minutes, and you will see a handful of people who have the same appearance, parrot the exact same thoughts and go on and on about how they want the life of some celebrity who they don’t know. Know what that is the result of? Peer pressure and y’all, if complete strangers can influence others in that manner, how much more can intimate connections do the same?
One study says that the people in your life can absolutely influence you on a significant level — at least until you reach middle age. The logic here is that, as a young(er) adult, you’re still not as good at regulating emotions, exhibiting an elevated level of self-control, and taking a stance of nonconformity; therefore, whatever your friends are doing, you will consider the same things. In fact, one part of the study revealed that if a person had a desire for a particular thing but was trying to avoid it and yet they were in the presence of friends who were doing it, younger adults were more likely to copy their friends than older adults were.
Oh, and let’s not act like the saying “keeping up with the Joneses” was for kids. If your life is consumed or hell, even motivated by getting what others have, simply because other people have it, that is another indication that you are vulnerable to peer pressure.
However, it was after I decided to dig a bit deeper into the topic of adult peer pressure that I discovered a few things that I wanted to share with each of you — just so that you can be more self-aware in your own friendships; especially your close ones.
Be Careful. Sometimes Your Friends Will Alter You Without You Even Noticing It.
GiphyBirds of a feather flock together. We’ve all heard the saying and, also according to science, when it comes to our interactions with others, there is quite a bit of truth to it — that’s because we care about what people think. Hmph, even those who say that they don’t are in a form of self-denial, because you can’t really be in an authentic relationship with someone and not care what they think. Take myself, for instance.
Do I care what most people think? Absolutely not. Do I care about who I consider to be my intimate circle and what their thoughts are? Yes. I respect their opinion, I value their input and I look to them to hold me accountable. You can’t hold people in that kind of space if their thoughts and feelings mean nothing to you. Plus, I don’t know why they would want to be in your life if that were indeed the case.
Okay, but let me stay focused. Since all of us care about at least what one individual thinks about us, this means that they have the ability to influence us. And here’s what’s a trip: when we find ourselves doing things that they do, that can reward the pleasure parts of our brain and cause us to feel good…even if what they/we are doing isn’t the best idea.
Case in point. BBC’s article, “How your friends change your habits - for better and worse,” shares that the kind of friends that you have can impact your health (and health-related) decisions as well. To prove this, two sentences in the piece literally say, “We often think that self-control comes from within, yet many of our actions depend just as much on our friends and family as ourselves. Those we surround ourselves with have the power to make us fatter, drink more alcohol, care less about the environment and be more risky with sun protection, among many things.”
It goes on to share that this isn’t simply due to surface-level peer pressure. Nah, the “scary” thing here is that this can oftentimes be an unconscious act. That’s because, whether you realize it or not, your brain picks up on the cues of other folks and that can change your behavior — even if you’re not fully aware of it transpiring at the time. And when that is the case, their influence can impact you, even when they aren’t in your physical presence.
Shoot, I can vouch for that because there are certain phrases that I now use that I know came from a close friend of mine and a girlfriend of mine says that she now reacts to negative energy in a particular way that I do as the result of hearing me talk about the approach so much (not because she intentionally planned on doing it).
Oh, and then there is something that is known as vicarious dissonance. Probably the best way to define this is it’s when you may observe a behavior of a friend that you may not agree with and yet, due to their influence in your life, it can cause you to “relax” your stance or perspective. For instance, you may be someone who rarely drinks while one of your friends is a borderline lush. And so, whenever you go out to eat with them, you find yourself ordering a drink although you don’t really do that with any of your other friends.
And don’t even get me started on co-rumination — or, what my mother used to say? Eating each other’s throw-up. It’s basically the habit of friends exchanging problems without ever really talking about solutions. Hmph. That reminds me of one of my favorite “warning” quotes: “We all look for demons that play well with our own.”
Although co-rumination can be beneficial in the sense of finding someone who sympathizes or even empathizes with you, if all you are doing is talking about challenges, trials, and issues without figuring out how to change them — you are basically influencing one another to remain in a state of negativity and that can ultimately take a toll on your mental and physical health, your self-worth, how you make decisions and yes, your other relationships too.
Example: If you and one of your closest friends are married and all you both do is get on the phone to bash your husbands — do you think that is helping your marriage? IT’S NOT.
If Your Friends Aren’t Making You Better…(You Know the Rest)
GiphyThe reason why topics like these are important to mention from time to time is sometimes we don’t like something about our life or ourselves and yet we remain frustrated because we don’t know what to do about it. From where I sit, what all of this data has revealed is it can’t hurt to do a bit of unpacking as it relates to your friendships and the role that they play. Are they healthy? Is their influence beneficial? Does their presence make things in your life easier or more challenging?
You know, something else that science says about friendship is when you have healthy friends, they can help you (better) connect to your sense of purpose, make you more self-confident, and help you to break bad habits. These are all examples of how someone’s influence can change you for the better. All I’m saying is that a lot of people have chaos around them and they never factor in the fact that the influence of their friendships may be a huge part of the reason why.
A Greek storyteller by the name of Aesop once said, “If you choose bad companions, no one will believe that you are anything but bad yourself.” Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “Keeping bad company is like being in a germ-infested area. You never know what you’ll catch.” A retired soccer player by the name of Hans Fróði Hansen once said, "People inspire you or they drain you. Pick them wisely.” All of this is wisdom.
Listen, you can be out here thinking that the people, places, things, and ideas that you’re around don’t influence or impact you; science says otherwise, though. So, if something is “off” about your world, my recommendation would be to look at your friendships. The act could be quite telling.
Quite telling, indeed.
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